Need to Vent - Central Falls,RI

I think he's looking for an excuse and is grasping at straws. He is not interested in being a father. He is just looking for ways to punish you. He wants you to feel responsible when he disappears from his son's life. Tell him it is up to him if he opts out of his visitation, but that you will continue to expect prompt payment of child support.

If the court found that he should only have supervised visitation for 2 hours a day, then that is what he should have. There is no reason you need to let him stay in your house, overnight besides.

When my husband's kids were moved out of state by his ex, we were told "visitation is hard and expensive, get over it". And we paid for plane tickets once a month so we could see his kids. When my stepson came to live with us at 14 because his mother and stepfather were beating and abusing him, we actually tried to make his mother see him. We gave up after months of trying.

You can't make a parent see their child. Accept that it is his responsibility to make visitation happen, yours only to allow what has been ordered to happen. If he wants more, he can go back to court and prove his ability to parent his child.

In my opinion, 350 miles is a long trip. Maybe, to encourage him to see your child, you could be willing to meet him half way, which would mean only a 2 1/2 hour trip for both of you.

I think under the circumstances, it is a long way to drive twice a month. These are hard, emotional, difficult times. I am not saying you don't have compassion, but I am saying that encouraging a relationship with your son and his father will serve your little boy well. I understand you not wanting him in your home (for now) but try to make this work. In the long run, your little one will win.

Copy and paste this to a file and continue to document all conversations between the 2 of you.

It sounds as though you tried to be helpful.

He sounds like he is still on drugs and not thinking straight. He could also be depressed. Again not your problem, it will be up to him to find the help he needs. Depression makes people unmotivated and unfocused.
You cannot change him, he is who he is.

In the future he will either get his life together and take responsibility for his part of this relationship, or he will not seek help and continue to make excuses and place blame on others.

Always be "age appropriate honest" with your children about their father. Do not include your feelings. "Dad is tired from working." " Dad is not feeling well."

Let them grow up and figure out that mom was a great mom, but dad had his own problems. Resentment will only happen if you bad mouth their addicted dad or he says things about you that they know for a fact is not true..

Some solutions or middle ground? See if ex can call, skype, write letters.. Same on your side.. Offer to have the kids available for calls, skype or let them draw pics and write notes to dad.. 350 miles is a very long distance.. If it were me, I would be there on time to see my children and be very thankful to you for being so gracious letting me stay at your home..

Men are proud, they do not think like women.. All he can think about is how unfair all of this to HIM.. not thinking about the kids first. He is not going to change, he will not listen to you, he is still the teenager he was when he started using drugs and drinking.. Do not waste your time and energy on him.. Use all of your energy on yourself and your children.

I am sending you strength and patience.

Sounds like you did the right thing in divorcing and moving away from Geo.

This is HIS choice..NOT YOURS...he is manipulating you to get his way...follow the court order...if he doesn't like it - then it's up to him to change it..NOT YOURS...

If he doesn't want to see his son - that's HIS choice and you are NOT the bad guy....you can let your son know that daddy has been very busy and it's very hard for him to come see you...

DO NOT tell him that he doesn't want to travel or anything else...do not talk bad about your ex to your son (I know you know this but I also know how easy it is to let it slip! Thank God I only did it once! and I didn't like myself for a while after that either..it didn't help anything)

You are being VERY FAIR and CIVIL - you opened your home to your ex husband - he couldn't be bothered to make the date...like you - I counted the minutes until I could see my daughter again...when I got to pick her up from her dad!!

You've done all you can to make this right. The only other thing you need to do is to keep good written records of each of these conversations...date, time and what was said, in case he tried to take you back to court to get this made easier on him. Also keep a record of when he is supposed to come and doesn't.

Having a man under the influende of drugs/alcohol in your house isn't a good idea. You're making good decisions. Trust your instincts.

Your son sounds better off without him. If he doesn't want to see him and he continues to miss visits I believe after a certain point you can file abandonment and have his rights terminated. I wish I had done it when my ex didn't bother with us until our child was 3 he uses him to control me which is what it sounds like your ex is trying to do. He is using him as away to get to you not realizing the only person he's hurting is his own son. I would have never allowed him to stay in my home a person can say they will stay clean for that time period but it doesn't mean he will and it doesn't mean that he won't piss off a drug dealer or owe them money and track him to your house do really want to risk your sons safety.

As important as I think a father is to a child, I dont think a person like that is good for your son. It is not your responsibility to give him a place to stay. He should move heaven and earth to see his little boy, and if he doesnt, then he shouldnt get the privilege to spend time with him. I would just leave it the way it is. Especially if he is on drugs. That is not the kind of figure you want around your child anyway. If he says its too much to see him that often and find his own place to stay, then let him figure it out and see him less. Find other strong deserving men in your life (brother, father) to show him what real man should look like. Do you have other men in your family that you look at as good role models? If so, ask them to give your son some time if they can.

I completely agree with Rosebud. You will feel more hurt by cutting this man out of your lives than your son will. If there's a way to have him give up legal rights, I'd be tempted to do that as he sounds like he is a danger to his son (drugs, etc.) as well. I've said it before - blood does NOT make a parent, love and responsibility do. If you can be near your family and have that extra support, and if they have some good male role models, do what you can to be there. When your son gets old enough, find BigBrothers/BigSisters for him so he can have more GOOD male role models.

You caught me at the wrong (or right) time for this question.

In my opinion and experience, most men are self-centered and weak, and you can't force them to see beyond their pathetic little selves.

I am so sorry you and your poor son have to go through this. My oldest son's father dumped him and me when my son was your son's age, and my ex only saw his son about once a year until he was a teen.

In my opinion, having gone through this, if your son's father is going to be like this, it is far better that your son almost never sees him, that way he grows up with no expectations of his father, and he doesn't have to think of him in his daily life and get hurt by him all the time.

Judging from a male who can decide that he doesn't want to see his son anymore, I think it is best that you cut this jerk out of your son's life, so your son doesn't have to be continually traumatized.

I know all too well how much it hurts.

Time to cut your losses with that guy now. And when you find another guy, date for a LONG TIME, and do not marry him unless he demonstrates that he loves and attends to your son like a real father.

And I stopped having my son call his father "daddy" when he was 3. We started calling him by his first name. He wasn't a daddy. I think having your son pine for a "daddy" who isn't there makes it hurt too much. Maybe this idiot shouldn't be "daddy" any more.

If he's still clean and sober, I'd let him stay. It seems like you're trying to punish him by restricting access to your son, but your son is getting shortchanged too. I understand why you're angry though- I'm sure I would be too if I were in your shoes.
Best wishes =o)

If this is the way he is going to be then it is probably better for your son to do it now. He will survive and it is very sad for him. I would much rather have them NOT be in the childs life then coming and going and keeping everyone up in the air as to when the visit will or if it will take place. You did it with an infant if he really wanted to see him then he would do it. Myself if I were the non custodial parent I would drive as long as I had to for even a few minute visit. You are divorced for a reason it sounds like due to drugs and alcohol I wouldn't give in and let him stay since you never know what might happen due to the drugs and I am sure you don't want your child exposed to that kind of thing/behavior. You tried to be generous and he blew you did what you could the rest is up to him.

I think you were very nice to give him more than he was "allowed" and to host him every other weekend. That was above and beyond, and frankly, not your job. I also think that of course he'll prefer it if you make it easy on him. But fatherhood isn't easy. It's not your job to house him while he sees his son. One day visits may change to him having the boy overnight and he'll have to do the driving and have a room and food and clothes for the child. If he can't even see the kid every other week now without you facilitating it above and beyond...I think he's lashing out and while it's a sad thing, it's also his choice. I would not badmouth the father. If the child asks, you can honestly say you don't know why he doesn't want to make the trip but it's nothing the child has or hasn't done. You are not keeping him from his son. He's doing that.

If he stops paying CS, get CS enforcement to find him. Visitation and CS are different things.

You are divorced. You should allow a child to visit his father, but you do not need to be bullied into hosting him. One day you may get remarried and then what? Or if he gets an SO and wants to bring her? Or maybe her and her kids? Where does it end? Now.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry he drinks and does drugs. I'm sorry it didn't work out between the two of you. I'm mostly sorry that you live so dang far apart. I hate it when I see parents doing that. And yet, if it were me I'd be rejoicing that he's gone. If he can't get his act together then your son is better off. The courts force moms all the time to let the worst characters be involved. The 350 miles is too much for either one of you. If he was recovering and doing well I'd say that you owe it to your son to move closer and that the 2 of you need to grow up and do what's right for your son. You could both choose a city and cooperate and do the right thing. BUT... so many people never change. So count your blessings and hope he stays away.

Do not let someone who is abusing drugs stay with your children. It is not safe, not an appropriate environment. That is too bad that his dad is like that, really stinks. But he needs to change his life. You can't do it for him.

it is not up to you to make him be a parent to his son....yes, this is a very sad situation for your son and my heart would be breaking as well!!!! You were giving and kind and let him stay in your home, gave him more than the court ordered for his visits.....if he is so selfish and his drugs are so important then that is HIS CHOICE!!!! i wish i had advice on what to say to your son but i dont. i would just make sure to not bad mouth his dad in front of him simply because it can backfire in the end when your son is older. maybe your ex will come around some day, sober up and get his life together and start to be a father...only God knows....stick to your guns, do not let him stay in your house and make him stick to the court ordered visitation schedule...i'm so sorry!!!

I understand. It really isn't fair to you or your son. I go through this too. Here's the thing. This is your sons dad. His only dad. The dad you chose for him. It's easy for women that don't look into your sons eyes and see them light up when dad comes in the room to say - forget him. It's more complicated when you're the mom and those are your babys eyes. Unless you are going to strip his rights and legally be done with him forever, you will need to find a way to make it work. That's not fair either. But that's the way it works. Moms often make all the scarifices and all the concessions because men are selfish and they compartmentalize. We could never walk away from out kids, but they can. Knowing that, we have to do what we have to do to make sure our children have a relationshp with htier father. Kids need thier fathers, no matter how weak and pathetic they are. I would not let this man stay in your house. However, I also would not say, well, since you messed up, now you can drive 350 miles to see him for 2 hours. You said that in anger, and he reacted in anger. You aren't together anymore. You can't punish him anymore. You two need to compromise. Offer to meet half way at Mcdonalds. Don't let him stay in your house. That's crossing all kinds of boundaries.

How awful for your little one. It's heartbreaking. If his useless father can't be bothered now to see him, he may change his mind in the future. Be a kin-keeper for your son. Send his father photos and updates. Suggest to his father that he keep in touch with cards, letters, phone calls, Skype etc. That way as your child grows, he may feel that out there there is a father who cares for him. What a piece of work Geo is.

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First, stop expecting Geo to act like a woman. He won't. 350 miles IS a long way for a 2 hour visit one day and a 2 hour visit the next day. Does he have the financial ability to stay at a hotel? Does he have friends in the area? In a perfect world Geo and every other parent male or female would put their children first. We don't live in a perfect world. If the only reason you don't want him staying with you is to punish him for not having shown up per the count order, you may want to rethink that based on the questions I asked. You are the one who changed the rules because you are angry. . While you said would arrive to visit him and he was intoxicated you didn't mention is he ever broke your rule about being clean and sober in your house. If he didn't, maybe that shows he is trying to have a relationship with your son. I would ask your lawyer what the issues that having him stay or allowing him more than two hours per day could cause and come back and ask the question after that.