Advice on Ex and Visitation

just a few things i was wondering about first why can't you daughter go in his truck, many parents have trucks and take their kids in them, she would need a car seat like any otehr vehicle but i don't believe it is against the law in any state to drive a small child in a truck, though i understand if you don't like it but at the same time it isn't a chioce you can make. obviously yu are worried about the court issue be it now or later and you have to look at it from a courts standpoint, they will not take away visitation based on the fact that he lives with roomates or the fact that you don't know them are are uncomfortable with them, i played that game with my ex and it was hell and i wasted a lot of time and money. you would have to prove drug use, illegal drug use tot eh court in the presence of yur daughter in order to accomplish anything and that is tough to do, you can ask him not to smoke but short of a medical condition that makes it a greater risk to her a judge will not rule that he is not aloud to smoke around her or drink for that matter within the confines of the laws that is, so while you may dislike the situation legally there is little you can do to control it if it does end up in court, imo it would be best to see what he wanted to do as far as visitation and go from there, maybe he'd ratehr stop by the house and see her with you there or just get her and take her out somewhere and bring her home, he's not a very active fatehr so who knows, talk to him and see and if for some strange reason he wantes her say every other weekend express your concerns and see what happens, maybe he has it all figured out or maybe he's thinking he can finally bail and not worry about it yu won't know untill you ask him. good luck

M.,

Fist of all were you married? If not then you have EVERY RIGHT to Forbid her to go to his home for visitation. However, you should not worry I don't think (from the sounds of it) that he even wants visitation. He probably will drop off the face of the earth and you will NEVER have to deal with him again!

Keep Your Child SAFE. Do not allow this man to take the child as you have written he does not show that he cares about her.
Some men are just not the daddy or husband/boyfriend type. Be more selective next time. Your worth having someone LOVE You and Your Child, and be a Real Husband/Father.

LADIES-FYI If you ask a man to MOVE OUT and he does NOT call the POLICE, they will make him--Unless he is the only one on the lease! Or you move out! Do not wait for him!

OK with that said, next step is visiation. He may play the game--I will take the child. But what you do is tell him, You may come here to visit from (example) 2-4pm on Sat OR Sun you must call me by Wednesday to confirm this appt. (or you can hang around the house in hopes of him showing up!) But I would NOT tell your child DADDY IS COMING! BECAUSE IT BREAKS THEIR HEART OVER AND OVER WHEN HE DOES NOT SHOW UP. ----UNLESS YOU WANT THE CHILD TO REMEMBER HE DOES NOT CARE, BUT, HIM NEVER BEING AROUND WILL PROVE THAT.

You must move on with your life! Do NOT worry about this man whom has NOT cared about you or the child and does not display any desire to be a part of your lives.

Even if he does show up for a few visits believe me (past experience with my ex!) It is only a show that will not last.
My Ex fought in court for Shared Parenting. NO WAY! I told the Judge, I will take the kids and Hit the Under Ground before I ever put them in harms way! I wanted Supervised Visitation. Unfortunatly, I had to supervise them myself with my Ex. I NEVER let him take them anywhere and he only visited twice! He is not a part of their lives(for the Best) and I remarried a few years ago, he is a wonderful husband and father.

Get a good attorney who will work with you.
See my other messages for a good one! Or check around your local area for one their consultation is usually FREE.
I wish you the best of luck.
Great job of being your own Detective! Smart GIRL!
C.

Let him take you to court!!!! The judge will NOT let her stay w/o a room of her own and he will NOT let him take her w/o a proper vehicle. I think it would actually benefit you to go to court and you will get child support payments from him so he will have to help. That is the only advice I have to offer, but I will add this in, a very good friend of mine works for the juvenile court (where you would go since there is a child involved) and that is where my info comes from. Also it doesn't seem like he wants to see much of her anyways and this way you will have it court ordered if he ever decided he does want to spend time with her. Best of Luck!

I had a similair problem except I was married. If there is a possibility that he is using drugs - you can ask for a guardian ad litem if he takes you to court and they will drug test both of you to allow for visitation. This is something that at least with my ex - he did not want to worry about and he simply quit coming to court. Let me know if you have any questions.

Child support and visitation are two seperate issues. He has NO Rights at all except the court gives him the absolute right to pay support and that has nothing to do with visitation. He would have to go to court to get granted visitation. Just bec he is paying support does NOT give him any rights ever to get your child unless you grant him permission.

Please remember CHILD SUPPORT DOES NOT GRANT VISITITION.

You're main focus is to protect your daughter. Let your motherly instinct guide you. I wouldn't bring it up unless he asks. Don't worry about him taking you to court...better that than put your child in an unsafe situation and have something REALLY bad happen. Good Luck in whatever you choose.

Take him to court for child support and suggest supervised visitation at a place of your choice. Ask for background checks of the people he is living with.. I don't know if you will get that.. but I would certainly ask. Get their names.. you would be amazed at the things you can find on someone just by googling them. I would also ask for back support.

This is a tough one. First you need to go to court to set up child support and visitation. Then he will know what the restrictions are. Without a court order he doesn't have to pay or do anything and you will suffer. I go through the same with my ex because we are in process of divorce and have nothing court ordered. Therefore he thinks he can pay and see his son what and when he wants. Protect yourself and your daughter.

Megan, think about it, he wasn't concerned with spending time
with the child while he was living in the home so it is very doubtful that he will want to after he moves. I went through this with my childrens dead beat dad and it was very nerve racking at the time. He never came to see them, wouldn't call, and never paid his child support. It tore me apart because i felt that it was painful on my children, this bothered me more than not receiving any monitery support even though i struggled financially as a single parent. I raised my kids with my morals and values about life. Once their father was older and more settled he decided he wanted to be a part of their lives again. At the time the kids were in their early teens. This is when it dawned on me they had my morrals not his, thank god he wasn't an influence on them until they were established

Hi M.!

I know you already wrote a "what happened" story, but I had to make a comment! I completely and totally agree with Julie. I work at an psychology office, which specialize in divorce and custody issues.

And I might add, this guy seems like he wants nothing to do with his child; not paying, not helping, making no attempts to be able to have his child visit, and transport her. Why are you so bent on him being in her life? I know it's important to have the father in a child's life, but honestly, will it benefit her to have a father who wants nothing to do with her and keeps making decisions that harm her, not benefit her? Have you thought about asking him to give up his parental rights? No offense, but this guy sounds like a real jerk. Will he make a good fatherly role model?

I grew up with an alcoholic father, who cheated on my mother numerous times, and yet she never left him. He finally gave up the drinking, but not the drinking personality, made decisions that benefitted him, not his family, and ended upleaving us when I was in middle school. I can't help but think how much better off I might have been emotionally and mentally if he was not in my life growing up. Just a thought...

Hi M.,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation with your daughter's father. It's not easy for anyone.

You should talk to a lawyer and arrange for her father to begin child support and also set up visiting arrangements so it is on record through the courts. Since he hasn't had much interaction with her you should ask for supervised visits until he proves he knows how to take care of her.

From what you've written, it sounds like he's not been interested and probably won't be now that he's moved away. If he is it would probably be to irratate you, especially if you go for the child support (which you should).

DO NOT allow him to take her anywhere since he's not had much interaction with her. You don't know how he would respond should she start crying and he was alone with her. If he insists on visits it should be @ your place with you present & perhaps someone else (friend or family), until there are some set arrangements through the courts.

Don't push him to visit her. Sometimes it's better for everyone in the long run. I was in your situation with my 1st husband, so I've been there!

I wish you the best with you & your daughter!

Hello M.. I think you should try to take her over to his house so he can visit her. I say this for very good reasons. A) you can scope out the place and see what kind of activity is going on, B) it will look favorably on you in Court if you make the effort for an easy transition, C) he won't be transporting her, D) it will be an easier transition for her. Pluss, if you take her over there on a Sat or Sun, take a camera. While you are scoping the place out (like trying to find the bathroom) you can take a pic of any illegal activity. You could also get to know his room-mates (they might have kids too) and see if they are shady char. If you do go to Court you will have their names and convictions are public records; your layer will be able to run a background check on them. I know this probably goes against other mom's opinions, but I think that is what I would do; and your child will bennifit in the future if you and her dad can get along at least on the surface. Best Wishes!

Wow. Hi megan. I am a mother of four children. Unfortunately I have alittle expierience in this issue as i went through a similar situation. My advice would be to really think about your options. Chances are if he is that uninvolved already he may just disappear eventually if you say and do nothing and try to get by with other people helping you. Or you could ask him point blank and see if he is even willing to pay for an attorney to get visitation. As of right now since you are not married you have full custody of you child and he has nothing , unless you permit it. If you seek child support , depending how you go about getting it, he may get some visitation. If you do go to court, they should issue a Gaurdian Ad- Lietum.(Spelling could be wrong) She will come and check out both living situations , Interview you and him and your child. Pretty simple. Then she will decided what kind of visits she thinks is appropriate. If there is any issues on living situations she will recomend changes. If they see no effort on his part then chances are he wont get very much,or what you are willing to give and on your terms.In my case the "dad" was to sorry to show up to court and his mother ended up with grandparents visits. 2 saturdays a month for 4 hours each. There were stipulations and if they werent met she didnt go that day. After a year the dad still had not gotten visitation and the grandmother grew tired of dealing with it. Its been almost a year since then and they pretty much fell of the face of the earth. My daughter was sad a while but through some love and a stepdad that has been throught it all with us she is ok with it and knows its not her fault. Shes almost seven and her step dad has been here since she was 2. That is her father. Maybe that could be a route for you to try. Just because he was around for the making doesnt mean he deserves to be around for the rest.So, I would let it ride . Pretend he doesnt exist. If he shows interest, i mean geuine interest, wonderful. If not , pray he falls of the face of the earth and move on. And is is possible to get child support with out visitation being set up. Go to the Child Support Office. They will set it up and he will have to pay . If he ask about wisits they will tell him he needs to get an attorney and that they do not handle that there. Good Luck. Stay strong. It will all get better eventually. If you need any thing email me. I am pretty familiar with the courts and all the proceedings. ____@____.com

I've never been in this situation, but it seems to me that if he wants visitation, it's his responsibility to ask. But you should definitely get a court order for child support. If he's not helping you now, what would be his incentive to do it after he's gone? Good luck in starting your new life. And that's what this is. A chance for you and your baby girl to start a new life with a fresh chance to be happy.

....L

Let him go!!!! My daughter is 9 and we've been through total hell with her dad and visitation!! When she was 18 months, he took me to court because I was, like you, concerned for her safety and I was telling him restrictions! he took me to court to get me back and he got 50-50 visitation! The court systems suck and they did not take into consideration my daughters well being or safety! The judge just gave him what he wanted because he asked! We have been in and out of court for 9 years and counting! i honestly think that if i would have just turned the other check and not pushed him, he would have left and never been seen again!!! i don't want to scare you but I am tryign to get our story out so people are aware that there is no justice for our kids in the court system!! so my advice to you - Let him go and pray he never looks back!! Your daughter will be fine if you are fine!!

I am not experienced or an expert, but I would make the burden of visitation be on him...he has to have transportation suitable to legally transport her, he needs to have a safe environment for her to go to, and he needs to request the visitations. I think you should make your concerns known to your lawyer.

I think I would push for supervised visitation at least, because your daughter could be in danger in a house full of selfish bachelors.