Need Help with Dealing Out My Expection of My 13 Yr Old Step-daughter

My boys are 10, 9, 4, 3. I started my older ones on chores 5 years ago. Simple ones and then built from there. Today they have daily and weekly chores. I still remind them (don't forget to unload the dishwasher I say as I leave for work) daily or it doesn't get done. I am ok with the reminder as long as they get them done. Over the weekend we had a lot of family coming over and I looked at them and gave them a room and told them they needed to clean it up and vacum - I was very impressed with the results. I think it is a training thing. My husband wasn't on board with the whole 'chore' thing because they were "too young" and "my mom did it all for me". I introduced him to the memory of my 19 year old niece who won't even pick up after herself because my sister always did it. That changed his mind. Well that and the pride you could see in the boys when the job was done and we praised them. I also give them a small allowance ($5.00/week that goes directly into their savings). Could you do that for her?

These are just things that I have encountered. I personally do not think you are asking too much of her, but 13 is a difficult age. Good luck!

I think you need to sit down with him and have a heart to heart talk about everything. I think at the age of 13, she should be responsible for her chores, and if she doesn't do them, there needs to be consequences. But both of you should talk about what the chores are, and the consequences. If he wants to use the excuse she is only 13, then he is setting her up for failure. One thing you could do to help her though, if write out her chores on paper, and place on the fridge so she can look at it daily and there i no forgetting them.

My step son is 8, and he is responsible for his laundry, helping with the dishes and table, picking up toys, and cleaning the bathroom(on weekends he is here). We remind him as needed of the chores he has, and when he doesn't do them, he is in trouble. We normally add something extra that he has to do, or at times he has gone to bed early. my husband kept telling me that he was too young to do things around the house, but i persistent and he does chores. I remember being 6 and having chores in my house. Plus my 2 year old has things she has to do. mainly just cleaning toys up.

You can tell the dad, that you aren't asking him to chose at all, you want to teach the 13 year old that life isn't always fun and games and that there are things that need to get done, but once those things are done, you can have your fun. And then things done get done, there are consequences. If you want even pull her into the conversation after you and he have talked and let her have a say as to her chores and consequences.

It sounds as if you are married to the dad. the one thing I have told my husband is that he chose to marry me, knowing who I was. I told hiim that I am his wife, and i am to be number 1, not his son, or our daughter. Because kids will move out and won't be there, but I will ALWAYS be there. As the wife, you should be more important than the daughter, but you should also be able to all work as a family. Chosing sides, shouldn't be an option in a family at all. I would tell him that you would never force him to chose, and if he is bringing it up, ask him why he feels that he needs to make a choice.

I don't know why something like chores has to be a "me or her" kind of thing. And of course he's going to choose his daughter. She's his DAUGHTER. That might sound mean, but that's what we do as parents. If, God forbid, I had to make the choice between my girls or my husband, I'd pick my kids every single time. My husband would make the same choice.
That said, I grew up with a stepmom that made my dad choose. He picked her. It sucked. I was 5 at the time. I never had a relationship with my father which lead to a LOT of psychological problems on my part and LOT of guilt on his part. It was an awful situation. My dad almost drank himself to death over his decision. So please don't put your husband, or his daughter in that position.
Plus, she's 13. I mean, I know a lot 13 year olds and they are LAZY! They have hormones raging and an attitude miles long. I think it comes with the territory. That doesn't excuse her from doing chores though. If she needs to be reminded, then remind her. It's not that big of a deal, IMO. Like someone else suggested, make a list of her chores and then she can't say "Oh I forgot!" And you and your husband (but especially your husband) need to come up with a reward for her doing her chores. If she doesn't get an allowance, maybe that would help to get her to do her chores. No chores=no money.
Good luck to you! I have two girls and am NOT looking forward to the teenage years.

Type up her chores on a piece of paper and either laminate them or put them in a plastic sleeve. She can use a dry-erase marker to check off what she's done. Post it on the fridge with the marker.

Discuss with your husband what's an appropriate discipline if she doesn't do them (no tv or computer - limit friends, etc). If he feels she's doing too much, he needs to say so and you both need to agree. Do not make him choose or if he's going to go there - tell him that is not what this is about.

Good luck and let us know what happens.

Well first remember she is only a child who needs both of you. Don't make him choose between you and his child thats not fair. Its not fair for her her birth mom isnt in the picture or isnt fair her parents are no longer together.
One of my mother in law friends many years ago married a divorced man and she gave him a choice either her or his child. He picked his new wife. He didn't care to his own child for over 12+ years. Its not the childs fault. This child grew up with out any connection from her dad and she thought her dad didn't love her....didn't care.
Look even in the best circumstances teenagers can be diffucult. She is venerable she is testing you probably to see if you in it for the long ride. She could be nicer but look so far things have not been exactly easy with her parents not being togehter. Just be consistent. Be loving. Be there for her. She might be suspicious at first but be consistent. I think with your patience she will come around. Don't ever bring up for your husband to choose between his child and you. Its not fair he loves both of you but his child is dependent on him. Don't make it a tug of war. Be at peace. Do something nice for yourself.

You actually have a ton of issues all wrapped around this one situation:

- "Choosing" a child over a spouse
- Age appropriate / expectations
- Disciplining a child
- Spousal Communication
- United Front

To know; I would choose my son over my husband (his bio dad), whom I love dearly... in a heartbeat. No contention. It has nothing to do with blood... it has to do with responsibility and love. This is my SON... if a choice had to be made (for whatever reason)... it would be him. I am his mother, which is more important than a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g. Including my own happiness. If i'd lay my life down for him, you can durn well bet everything else is on the table as well. And I'd hope to god my DH felt that way as well. Because if he was the kind of person who would put ANYTHING OR ANYONE above his own child, ugh. Gross. So never let that enter the equation. As soon as you make it a competition or choice between you and a child, you've either lost... or *should* have.

But I don't even see why something as normal as negotiating responsibility would be a "me or her" kind of thing. I mean, even if it was his daughter holding a knife on you... the RIGHT parenting thing to do (getting her help) is also the RIGHT spousal thing to do. So why would chores be an ultimatum?

Honestly, I don't think he's "choosing" her, he's just disagreeing with you. No competition between you and DSD... just a disagreement on parenting between parents. He sees nothing wrong with daily reminders, you do.

Personally, I'm 31 and I don't remember to do all of my chores, much less complete the without reminders. Neither does my 7yo (who has about 2x as many chores as your DSD). So we have checklists. We may not remember all of our chores, but we CAN remember to check the durn list. Well, I can. Kiddo remembers about 1/2 the time and I remind him the other half.

No. At 13, reminders should only be occasionally NOT DAILY!! That's keeping her dependent on the two of you. Part of the responsibility of parents is to teach their children to be responsible, independent, and well able to function on their own. (That's why there are so many adult children living w/ parents - they aren't mature and responsible enough to function on their own.) Many times parents ENABLE their children vs. really helping them.

How about making a list/chart or whatever of these chores. She can have a dry erase board and check them off if need, be, use magnets, etc. Would be a good idea to let HER help figure out a system, rather than come up w/ it on your own. Then, it's HER responsiblity to look a the chart, if she has to. Honestly, if these are daily chores, there is NO reason she should have to be reminded constantly. DON'T enable her, rather help her to become responsible. Parents need to stop making excuses for their kids bad choices, irresponsible behavior and poor judgement.

NOT singling you out, rather that I notice more and more of this all the time. It all adds up. HELP HER become responsbile WITHOUT having to be reminded. When she goes to college, moves out, etc., you won't be there to remind her constantly.

You need to figure out which battles are worth fighting. How important is it that she does every chore, each time? I know I totally drop the ball on some chores I need to do every day .... cuz sometimes life gets in the way.

Accept that fact that he's not going to back you, and it's not an issue of her over you ... it's an issue of to him it's not a big deal. So accept that on the matter of chores you are the disciplinarian.

Lastly, communicate with her on whatever level works .... so if that means she's become a cell phone/texting addict, txt with her. Might not seem like your thing, but could very well work for her.

Good luck ... keep us posted