What Chores Do You Expect from Your 10 Year Old and What Discipline Do You Use

I will let you know that it is better to teach them now the imprortants of being neat now. My nephew is 8 (I have custody) and I already have him with his daily routine. He knows that if he makes a mess he is to clean it up. After he eats anything he knows he is to clean up his mess off the table. There are some times that I ask him to clean off the table so we can eat dinner or I will ask him if he wants to set the table I noticed that when I ask him to help he is more willing to do it compared to when I tell him to. I try to teach him that it is always good to help. It was hard @ first because he would always give me the question of WHY do I have to do anything? I would tell him that he is now old enough to start having responsiblitiy. It is now time for him to prove to me that I can trust him with little things like this and eventually we can move on to bigger and better things like walking to school (we live 2 houses away), having a pet, going to the store with someone else (Im over protective), and eventually I can trust him to go over to a friends house for the day and when he is there he will do the same things because people dont want kids that are not there making a mess in there house. The would love to see a kid visit and have good manners and good cleaning habits. Now he had made all his clean a habit instead of a chore and when he does go over to even his cousins house they will bring him back and say that he was so helpfull. And to a parents ears it just brings so much joy. Well good luck to you and like I said it is hard @ first but will pay off in the long run.
T.

This will pass eventually. In the meantime, this is what I did with my 4 (now grown). I used a poster board to make a chart listing all of the chores that were expected to be done. Under each chore, I fashioned a pocket. In the pockets, I would put a certain amount of money appropriate to the difficulty of the daily chores. Whoever completed the chore to satisfaction was allowed to "collect" on that chore. There was no discipline regarding chores. There was only reward or consequence. Since this was in lieu of a weekly allowance, it was the only way for them to earn money for whatever activities they wanted to do. No chores = no movies, etc.

I have an 11 yr old daughter and almost 8 yr. son. They are to keep their rooms clean (vaccum, make beds, dust etc...), clean table after eating, empty dish washer, feed fish. My daughter helps fold laundry and put away her own clothes. She also keeps their bathroom tidy. I use to give them $5/wk but stopped that because I have to constantly remind them of what their suppose to do. So...they aren't getting allowance until they can start doing them without everyday constant reminders. But I think ALL teenage have to be reminded whether 10 or 17. Usual punishment no tv, video games, friends over or fun outings. I don't like to use reading or homework as punishment.

I have a 9 yr old strong willed son:
He has to make his bed, pick up his clothes, turn off his nightlight, pick up his things, hang up his backpack afterschool, practice the piano. These are posted.
We have a list of rules, ie no lying, no yelling, no back talk etc. They are posted.
He earns points for following the rules and doing his expectations. He uses these points to be able to watch TV, go to his friend's house, play computer or video games.

To earn money (which he is motivated to do to buy pokemon cards, webkinz and gameboy games)
He can sweep the kitchen floor, wash the kitchen floor, put the laundry in the washer and dryer, fold the laundry, put his laundry away, unempty the dish washer, bring in the groceries and put them away.
If he breaks a big rule, he gets community service, which is something like picking up the dog poop in the backyard, putting away his brother and sister's clothes, or something he does not care to do. If he refuses he can sit in his room. He knows his points are frozen until he does the community service so he can not play any of games or watch TV. He can just sit.
He shaped up pretty well after a few months of this.
Good Luck.

Yes, this is normal. Congratulations! You have a tween. Right now it's a power struggle with the chores; but before long it will be over other things. When my daughter was 10, she started doing the same thing. Stay strong and consistent. Soon enough she'll realize you mean business and will start helping out again. Just remember...this is only a phase and this too shall pass.

In my home, when my daughter was 10, she was supposed to keep her room and bathroom clean, give the dogs food and water, setting and clearning the dinner table, and alternating with me on dusting and vacuuming. She was pretty good about doing everything except for her room and bathroom. She just couldn't understand why it was important. Anyhow, at first I cleaned her room and bathroom but deducted money from her allowence so I could be paid for my time. That only worked for a short time. When she didn't give me her dirty clothes because she couldn't find them all when I asked for them, I started making her do her own laundry. That backfired! She LOVES to do her own laundry. She's been doing her laundry ever since. Occassionally we'll combine our clothes if neither of us have a full load; but she wants to wash them. I eventually stopped harping on her; but when she wanted to have a friend over or go somewhere my answer was no followed by an explaination of "remember, you didn't do your chores this week. Perhaps next week you'll remember to do them so you can go". That approach worked until just recently. This year she's 12 and has now added attitude and talking back to her newly found lack of interest in chores. We did the chore chart because she said I was nagging her. We also tried putting all of the chores in a hat and made it a random lottery so chores didn't become too routine. Finally, I just approached her and said "I'm really sorry I've been overloading you with chores afterschool. You apprently are so tired from your long day and have so much homework that you just don't have time for chores and family time. How about if you get up 1 hour before your regular wake up time to do some chores that way it's something you don't have to worry about when you get home." She was nodding her head yes like I finally saw her point of view. She started getting up at 5:30 the next morning to do her chores. She complained the first day that she was tired; but she did the chores and went to sleep earlier that night. The next day she was up before I was! On the way to school she commented that she thought it was a hair brained idea; but she likes doing her chores in the morning instead of after school. We haven't had any issues with chores and my house has stayed clean longer. We've been doing this since January. Getting up early may or may not work for you. I have faith that you'll find what motivates your daughter and you'll be able to come to a resolution.

Good luck! Let us know how you resolved the battle of the chores!

Hi G.!
I have read this book by Dr. Kevin Leman titled "Have a New Kid by Friday". It gives great advice on how to handle situations like this. He calls it reality discipline. If you give your daughter set responsibilities and she doesnt do them then you hit her with reality. For instance, if she doesnt clean her room as she is responsible for and then later that evening she wants you to take her to a friends, you simply tell her, "Im sorry but your not going." It might start a fight, but remain in control. Dr. Leman gives an example of his son. His son was suppose to mow the lawn and one day he decided he didnt want to do it, he was asked to mow the lawn, but to no evail. So Dr. Leman asked the neighbor to mow it and payed him out of his son's allowance. When it was time for his son to get his allowance much to his suprise he didnt get the full amount and when he questioned it, Dr. Leman told him since he didnt mow the lawn like expected he payed someone else to do it and it came out of his allowance. If you do this enough times, she will get the picture. I totaly recommend his books! In this book I am speaking of it gives you a alphabetical list of "issues" and then tells you were in the book to find the solutions to them. I also recommend "Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours." His website is: www.lemanbooksandvideos.com/store/. I hope this helps, it has me! Have a blessed day!
H.

We started when our son was around 5-6 years old getting our son to clean his room and every 6 months to a year, we added more duties, one by one. Now at 10 he does his own landry, collects trash on trash nights, helps bring out the trash, clears dishes off the table after a meal, washes off the dishes prior to placing them in the dishwasher, picks up toys around the house, cleans his room, feeds the dog, and gets the mail. He sometimes forgets some of his duties (like feeding the dog and getting the mail) but we just have to remind him. We do not give an allowance. Early on we told him that every member of the household has to do his part to make the family work. We do pay him for extra big things like helping to clean out the garage but as parents we don't get paid for doing what is necessary to make the house work so neither will he get paid. I think the key for us was starting him doing chores around 5 or 6 and setting the expectation that every body has jobs to do. He also is not allowed to go over to someone's house or do things he enjoys like play video games until his chores are done. The longer he waits to do his chores, the longer he goes without starting to have fun. Actions and consequences. It has worked for us.

When did you start assigning chores to her? My children start with chores as babies, when they're big enough to understand putting their toys away. They also see us doing chores. (My 19-year-old used to try to sweep the floor before he turned 2 years old! He always wanted things put away. If he saw a pari of shoes out, he woudl search for the bare feet and promptly deliver those shoes!) My point is that it was taught as part of oru routine at home.

At this point, you might create an enjoyable environment and have a conversation with her to explain that she hasn't been allowed to be a big girl (or whatever you have to say) and things are gonna be different from now on. Then, give her some options--dishes, laundry.... Let her start with her own laundry or keeping her own room clean. Let her know that these chores are tied into her privileges, including television and phone time. It will be met with resistence, but your consistency should straighten it out. Don't expect her to do it with a smile--we don't tend to enjoy chores. (Maybe she can fold clothes and watch TV together.) She has to learn that she's got to do it, anyway. That way she learns responsibility and how to suffer through tasks that she doesn't necessarily like.

Hope this helps.

We have 5 kids, 18, 12, 10, 9 and 8. My 10 year is a girl.

She (and her sister) have to clean their room, make their beds, vacuum their bedroom and the game room, clean the game room, put away their folded laundry (not just stuff it in their drawers either) and there was even a time when they had to do their own laundry. I also have them rotate cleaning the bathrooms with their 2 younger brothers. It probably sounds like a lot, but it is far less than I had to do at the same age, and also takes little time per day if they keep it up.

As for discipline - I have taken all their clothes away and left my girls with 3 outfits (because they were not putting their folded clothes away properly but just dumping them in drawers. I spend a lot of time washing and folding, the least they can do is put them where they belong.) If they fuss about the other chores, they lose a dollar each time. They each get $5 per week for allowance - if they do their chores without griping. If they gripe, they lose a dollar for each time they gripe, simple as that. It means I am not yelling, they know the consequences if they choose to whine.

It takes consistency on your part, and determination to not give in. We have explained to our kids that they are part of a family and all families have to work, and they have to do their share too. If they refuse, then they do not get to do the fun things that the rest of the family does. It is hard, but there have been times I have stayed home with a kid who gave us an attitude about something, while my husband has taken the others somewhere.

As far as I am concerned, there is no choice when it comes to chores. And the attitude needs to change, and you know best how to speak to that in your daughter's life - removing something that is precious to her, until she begins to do the chores without whining. You definitely owe it to her to train her now - there is nothing worse than meeting a person (in college say) who is a slob and has no idea how to clean because mom and dad wanted to be a pal, and hated seeing their kid upset. My children know their chores are not optional, and neither is a negative attitude. And they love getting their money on Fridays. They can even earn a little extra if they do things like help me with the yard work, or in the kitchen. They know their work pays off.

Sometimes with kids this age, they feel like they can start making lots of decision. And maybe sometimes they are asked to make decisions on their own, but then we still treat them as kids at other times. The challenge to us as parents is to find that happy medium. I would suggest having a chore chart. What is it that you know she can help you with, what do you expect her to help you with, what does she want to help you with, how much do you want her to help you with? All these questions should be answered together as a family. Once you come to a concencus, put it on a chart that is visible to the entire family. Keep track of it and have that tracking chart visible as well. What rewards to you want to offer: special time with dad or mom with out brother, or sleep over with friends, a pedicure time with mom, movie night where she gets to pick out the movie and dinner menu, a new outfit or if you want to go the money route that's up to you and your family. The point is that the decision is made involving her and that the rules of the game does not change until a desonated time like a new school year. Maybe in her mind she feels like, when you are stressed you ask her to do more things and when you are tired you just don't even want to deal with it. We've all been there, you know your tone of voice changes with your mood. But the board that shows the desonated chores does not change bc its is posted and everyone knows what is expected and if its done or not and when its is suppose to be done.

Good luck.

We give our kids of list of expected chores for their allowance ($5/week): making bed every day, keeping their rooms and bathroom cleaned, keeping the kids' retreat/playroom cleaned, washing/drying/folding one load of laundry each week, etc. If they fail to perform, they loose a set amount for each infraction. YES, there **is** the possibility that they will owe you money each week if they don't do the minimum. (That's the incentive to do it all.)

Then there are chores that, if they do, will earn them "additional" money. So if my daughter looses $1 because she left her room a mess, she could potentially earn it back by taking the trash cans out and putting them back on trash day.

This requires you to check up on them daily, but this worked like a CHARM for my 10 year old. :-)

... my 14 year old is in debted to me... :-(

GOOD LUCK!!!

Hi G.,

Offer her some extra "mom" time that day. Or a special day to go get your nails done together or a movie or a board game. Allowance does not usually work at her age for long, its the one on one that makes the difference. And teaching her to help around is a great thing, its part of growing up, which she may be struggling with since you have two smaller ones and she still wants to be considered young. I think if you offer her the extra "mom" time she will appreciate you and her chore more. I hope this helps. K.

I have a 16, 14 & 11 year old. I have one discipline method that really REALLY works with them. If I asked them to do something in the past, I dealt with the same response as you. I got smart one day. They gave me that old sour face and smug response. I didn't respond at all. I acted as if I didn't even notice. Boy did they like that. We'd get to some store and they'd put their choice of purchase in that basket. I took it right out at the counter. When they questioned me, I responded...I didn't ask you why you chose not to do the dishes. I didn't bother you when you ignored me asking you to put the clothes into the dryer. You don't hear me...I don't hear you. After a few of those (especially when it interfered with a party they wanted me to move, using my gas to drop them off). They see we need each other.

Don't feel bad, my 15 yr. old son won't do what he is suppose to do also. And he has simple things like picking up his room and taking out the trash. Though we have learned that if he does not do what we ask over a period of time, we just take things away from him that he really enjoys. Like his computer, cell phone, reg. house phone. Until he starts doing the little things we ask, and realizes it is not that bad of a thing, he does not get his personal things back. After awhile they will get bored not having those things in front of them so they will take on the resposibilities that you ask. Now if he would just realize that this would be one of the reasons I won't let him get his learners driving permit. If they can't take care of small responsibilites at home, why should we trust them with a drivers permit or behind the wheel of a car? Hope this gives you some ideas.

Hi G.,

Well I have four kids...10,9,5,3. The two oldest ones do dishes everynight( unless extreme homework ). They also help with trash, bathrooms, vacuum, feed & water the dogs, and occ folding of laundry. Everybody puts there our clothes away...even the two young ones. I even make the two youngest round up the dirty clothes. We are a newly blended family...so it was me and my 9 y/o daughter for 8 years. I was doing just about everything at home. She would give me such attitude if I asked her to do anything other than her room. Since we have a bigger family now she sees that everybody pitches in and doesn't give me any grief. THANK GOD!!!!!!! I wish I had miracle advice for you...but the best thing to do is be consistant. Stand your ground. We have family rules now...everybody has to follow or consequences kick in. My daughter understands this and follows(most of the time).

Good Luck,
R.

Dear G., I suggest you use a contract system which you and your daughter construct. On it you list the chores and consequences for not doing them as well as incentives for doing them to your satisfaction. Make "respect for herself and others" one of your requirements. In case she hasn't gotten to the talking back, door slamming, smart alecky behavior it will be a good preventive. Self respect includes eating healthy, getting some type of exercise and plenty of sleep. (you too, G.!) Post it on the back of her bedroom door after you have both signed the agreement. As for chores, anything that needs to be done on a regular basis was included in our home. I taught each of our 4 kids to make a sandwich with the veggies, cook oatmeal-not micro, scramble eggs,grilled cheese sandwich, do laundry from pretreat to fold by the time they were 6 yrs old. I wanted them to know they were self sufficient. It is more work to walk them through each chore until they can do it unassisted, but worth it in the end. I started when they were little, gathering/sorting laundry, peeling veggies, setting the table, emptying the wastebaskets. When each of the 4 went to college they couldn't believe how many kids didn't know how to do those things. I was not a drill sarge and things didn't always run smoothly, but when the bunch wanted to go swimming or something fun, they cooperated and got it done. Many hands make quick work. Be well, C.

Hi G., I also have a soon to be 10 year old. She acts just as you say your daughter does, maybe worse. She is the baby of 5 and 14 years between the last 2 so she is spoiled. Spoiled is okay with no additude. So lately i've started with taking her favorite possesion (laptop) first time was one day second time 2 days. Now i have her attention-I really don't ask alot she has to set the table, help clear the table. Her room is to be picked up daily. Week ends is a little extra on one day either help with laundry putting it away or helping in the yard. So far this is working. I've told her every b-day that goes by more will be exspected of her she is growing up and one day will have to do it all on her own so she needs to know how to do these things.I do not give allowence, but she is rewarded with things she wants if she does well. ( in reality that is life and how it works) good luck i'm sure you will find what is best for you and your daughter. V.

I have an 8 yr old and a 5 yr old. they both have chores and consequences when they are not done. I expect them to do to the best of their own ability to do the things that involve taking care of themselves and also emphasize team work. Example: they both have to empty the dishwasher together, she can reach the high ones and he does the lower ones, etc.. they both have to clean their rooms, put their dirty clothes in the proper places ( we take the middle man out and separate them as we change.)
we have a chore chart that has everything on it from being polite to each other, washing hands before meals, brushing teeth, making beds, and so on.
for every 2 "x" they earn a nickle, but...If I have to do the chore as in pick up clothes toys or they are disrespectful to me or any one else they get "O" and for every 1 "O",I take a nickle away. It took the first two weeks to get going on it but after they saw that I wasn't forgetting to mark things down and that they got real money, they are jumping to do chores.
When they are "Paid" they have to put some in the piggy bank and they have the choice of saving all of it or spending part of it. So they are also learning money management.
Good luck, what you teach them today will last them their entire lives!

Well G., Looks like you got several good ideas. Mine are close to a few of these. I have a 7 and 9 year old daughters, each year they get older they get more chores added to their list. I plan to give allowance, but as I have told them, not until I don't have to tell them each day to do what is on their list. Both clean their own rooms every Saturday morning after breakfast, they can not go anywhere or plan until that is done. Some times it takes them all day (cause they kinda play as they clean) , but I have learned that's ok, they still can't get out of the room and they don't like that. They are realizing now after several years its funnier to clean fast then do what they want to do. They take turns setting the table, they each rinse and clear their dishes from the breakfast and dinner table, my youngest is learning laundry and does a load or two a week, while my oldest unloads and reloads the dishwasher. She at times does laundry as well. My oldest enjoys helping me cook, this is not a chore but it shows her how much gets dirty that will have to be cleaned. We have a chore chart and getting ready to put up a conscience chart just so they know in advance what's to come if they do something wrong. My youngest believes she can change my mind (which never works) on anything I say, so since I've had enough of that the chart is going up for mostly her. Most discipline we use is take things away, sent to room, and pops at times. Hope things work out soon for you. Realize it wont smooth for at least a few weeks or more, till they realize this is permanent.

LMAO!!!! My 10 yo daughter told me "Chores are for parents and servants"...I immediately set her straight!!!

My 10 yo is expected to do the following chores and she is paid an allowance for them...If they are not done properly or not done at all every day they are listed on the calender for her to do, then her allowance is deducted a predetermined amount. (we do this on a coin system using poker chips) Extra chores and to get her to do certain things we want her to do can earn her more "coins" which can be traded for rewards such as computer time, a movie, a pizza night, etc...

The regular chores are:

*her own laundry (only 2 loads) 1x per week
*unload dishwasher and put dishes in each night and however often it is run on weekends
*wash stairs (ours are wood) 1x per week
*clean room every day
*make bed every morning
*take out kitchen garbage each day
*take out bathroom trashes (there are 3) 1x per week
*clean her bathroom 1x per week
*keep her bathroom straightened up daily

It is not unreasonable to expect your 10 yo to help out around the house. Make sure she has a list showing her week mapped out with AM and PM chores if you have to to keep them clear for her. Sit down and let her have input on which chores she is willing to do (maybe she would rather fold and put away laundry than clean the toilets??) also keep in mind any allergies she might have, I don't have mine dust because of her asthma...Give her some way to earn some type of reward or allowance for completing all of her chores... Also make sure your expectations of a 10 yo doing said chore is reasonable...I do not expect hospital corners on my 10 yo's bed, if she misses a couple of spots in the toilet or on the mirror in the bathroom I point it out and ask her to try and do better next time, but I don't make any bigger fuss than that.

That's my two cents...Good luck ;-)

This one's easy....but you have to be constant. Sit her down and explain to her how at her age she is no longer a baby and should now begin to carry her own load as part of this family...give her two choices, and each with consequences....good or not good.....since your're the cook, grocery buyer, driver, etc., tell her that if she wants food, she needs to: e.g. clean up her plate, wash it or put it in the dishwasher....her clothes: if she want clean ones, she needs to put in hamper, fold them when they're clean, or hang them, etc...if she wants something, tell her that she has to earn the money for it by: (you decide)....get the picture? Then you be tough and carry on through...my 12-yr even threatened to run away...so, I asked her what happens when she needs to go to the bathroom, wants water, food, and where is she going to sleep? out in the dark? Mosquitos?, etc....and, if she did run away, I'd call the police...even threatened to put her in a military school so she'd notice the difference....on and on....she grew up and no more trouble.....hope this helps a little...if there're fireworks, send her to her room, no tv (she didn't buy it), no phone, etc............B.

I homeschool 3 children ages 16,11 and 8. All three are expected to do chores ,outside of these chores there's an opportunity to make some cash. I've set up index cards with jobs listed on them and amount I'm paying like wash and vacuum mom's car $8.00 so guess what? sometimes they need money for things they want and so they have to earn it. They get a monthly allowance to help them learn about money again for things they want but not needs. I've used physical discipline before and with the right attitude and letting them know that wrong actions casue pain I've not had to do use it on my 16 YO since she was about 6. My son took to like getting spanked every week but now that he's 11 it's been 4 years since he's needed it. My 8YO is still learning but does not like to get into trouble so she restrains herself. This may or may not work with your 10YO but it sounds like that she feels she does not have to contribute to the family system. Don't give in, it's our responsibility to teach our children that obidience is expected of them without arguing or disrespecting. Let her know how much you love her and that you don't wish for her to become dependant on others to do what she's capable of doing herself. Stick to a set of rules your family to agree on and treat her everyonce in a while for her obidience. It can be something as simple as a special time together like getting manicures or a mom and daughter date doing something that she picks.I get many compliments on how well my children behave and how nice their manners are but people don't realize that these things were taught daily sometimes reminded at every chance, the kids left to their ownselves would never behave or use their manners because it wouldn't be expected of them. Rule breaking is not allowed in this household without the consequences, yes they make mistakes but don't confuse it with disobidience, rebellion is another thing altogether and breaking that hot spirit takes alot of love and patience. At times when something is very important to them and it seems like a spanking won't do, their favorite past time, a video game or the tv diet, cell phone punishment, seems to just do better so find what will work for your family. Mind you-- my children have never been bruised, God put extra fat on a particular part of the body to be used for cushion! physical correction is never to beat, intimidate or put fear in a child, done in the correct form the results are long lasting. Always pray before trying it, never never is it done in anger.

Your daughter sounds like my 7 year old son :)

This is what I have tried that works:

I write out a schedule for the day (usually in parts, makes it easier) and he has to get through the mandatory parts before he can have choices. Here is an example for the time after school and before dinner:
Hang up backpack
Show Mom your folder
Snack
Read 15 minutes minimum
Feed dog (or whatever chore you want her to do)
1 choice chore
FREE CHOICE until _______

I use check boxes. He checks things off as he finishes them. The discipline is natural consequences... if he does not get done, he has no "free choice" activity.

This works for us for two major reasons. I do not have to argue with him. All I have to say is "Check the schedule." It really really helps.

The other reason it really works is there is a reward for getting right to the chores.... it is the FREE CHOICE at the end.... the faster you get to it, the more time you have doing what you want.

In the summer, it is trickier because I have to designate FREE CHOICE with FREE Non-Electronic Choice, to limit the amount of tv-computer-video game time.

Sometimes my schedules have options as to the order in which he does things, but the point is, he has to get the mandatories done before he gets his choice.

For example, over the summer it might be:

1.Play outside 30 minutes (at least)
2. Read 15 minutes (at least)
3. Clean Room
4. 1 chore choice

THEN:
Free Choice until lunch

So he can choose if he wants to read first then play outside, but he still has to do all 4 before his free choice.

It has made a world of difference in our home life.

We have also used brainstorming sessions where we divide things up into Have to and Want to. I include myself on the schedule. It really helps because sometimes I HAVE TO make dinner... so when the kids are whining for me to come do this or that with them, I can say, sorry, making dinner is on my Have To schedule... and they understand.

We do a schedule in the morning before school, but this schedule never changes. I actually used some fun pictures with it and have it laminated. I love it. I do not have to keep reminding him (which he HATES) and now if I even try to help he tells me he can do it himself.... with the help of his schedule.

For the mornings before school (our biggest trouble spot!) we also have a 3 point system in place. A three is the highest. If he is on track, we say, Great job, you are on a three! If things start to go sour, we say, "Down to a 2." He can go up and down the whole morning. As he leaves for school, we give him his score and he gets that many dots on a chart.... working towards a goal we have set up as a family.

The thing I really like about this system is that it focuses on independence and individual responsibility. Adults too depend on schedules and there are positive and negative consequences that go along with them. Natural consequences.

Good luck!

One more thing: I have a 9 year old with autism. His chores are:

Daily:
Empty dishwasher and put dishes away (with assistance)
Set table
Clear table
Pick up toys and put them away

Weekly (as needed)
Clean room
Put laundry in washer and dryer
Put clothes away
Take out recycling
Empty trash can in room and bathroom

It's time for you to sit your daughter down for a good chat, about what her role is, according to family life and what responsibilities the female shoulders in a lifetime.

I raised 3 sons, after divorcing an abusive alcoholic at the age of 29. I worked full time and sold Avon on the side.
I gave my boys a 'mommy lecture' when we moved out. They boys were ages 5,8 and 10. We were all a part of that family, and everyone would be expected to share certain responsibilities. Such as: Having the house in a decent condition in case company dropped in. Learning how to fix simple foods for them selves in case I had to work overtime. Learning to keep the toilet swabbed. Shaking rugs. Learning to use the vacume cleaner. Learning how to wash dishes. Helping me to do a once over with housework on my day off so that it didn't take me all day, so we still had time to do something special if I had the money on my days off. Of course the 5 years was given chores that were a bit easier and was not expected to use a vacume cleaner, but he was able to straighten the stack of magazines, shake throw rugs, dust furniture and as time went on, there were no chores in my house that I knew how to do, that any one of my boys could not do. Each child was expected to help clear the table, learned to store leftover food in the refrigerator, rinse the dishes so that food would not stick and have to be SCRUBBED.

My children were then and are now my 'friends'. We have very close relations ships, but during that little 'mommy lecture', I also told them that they were the next generation of grownups, and in order to be successful in all their futures, they were going to learn everything that I knew how to teach them, that adults are expected to do on a daily routine. Your responsibility as a mother is to guide them into adulthood with all the tools they will need to live through any situation. By age 10, your daughter should be accepting that her part as a family member includes her willingness to learn how to be an adult. Most youngsters are very willing to 'grow up' but part of growing up is accepting 'grown up' responsibilities.

Make a list of everything that you have to do, from the time you get home from work until her bedtime. TELL her, that everyday, from now until she leaves for college, that her part of being part of the family coorperation, that she must choose 3 different chores, according to her capabilities from the list daily, so that she learns how to be a grownup. The chores are endless that she should already know how to do and she should be beginning to sit down with you to watch you balance the bank statement, pressing her own jeans, making sure that her own bathroom stays neat and clean, polishing mirrors, learning to sort clothes for the laundry and operate the machine, keeping her clothes coordinated in her closet, making sure that her drawers are organized etc.
Think family emergency. If you happened to land in the hospital for 2 weeks, could she warm up a can of soup,pick up her things, keep the kitchen cleaned up, get her own clothes ready for school tomorrow, find her school bag, have a list of phone numbers she could call if she needed help? Children are tomorrows adults and you are her teacher. Prepare her for tomorrow. Believe me, she will still be your friend, and if you compliment her on each achievement, she will be proud that she is learning grown up things and thank you 15 years down the road, when she herself is a responsible mother, able to handle anything that comes along as a homemaker. Use an 'I'm the mother, you're the child, I'm the teacher, you're the student' stance with her, and tell her she is not allowed to protest while you teach her how to grow up. M. Krause

Hi G.
Firstly you should know that adolescence begins at 11 years of age and you may notice quite a lot of changes in your previously co-operative child from now on. After this period, the teenage years. It's going to be a time of turmoil.
Sit your daughter down and explain what she's going to go through emotionally - mood swings she cannot explain - tiredness for no reason, etc. and assure her that you will be there for her in the background always.
Having said that, you have to keep up with your boundaries all the way through and this becomes more difficult as you will be "tested" to see how much she can get away with in order to try to control the situations she finds herself in more and more (a type of breaking away process).
So you will need to be very firm. Tell her what exactly you expect her to do (even if you have to write it out and pin it to her door) and what the rules are. Explain that these things are non-negotiable - that everyone has to do things they may be reluctant to do, but must do and that's how life will always be. This is her training ground. Never give up!

Do you 'order' her to do it or ask her to help you? The way you approach it makes a huge difference. For instance "sweetie, I have my hands full, can you please help me with this, I'd sure appreciate it?" Then thank her for helping. This is as opposed to "I need you to do the dishes" or "you need to clean your room, take out the trash, do the dishes, etc." 'Assigning' chores will only get you resistance but if you come across as just needing a helping hand, that can make all the difference. It may be tough now since she'll automatically think you're making her do it but if you do things TOGETHER that can definitly make a difference too. For instance, I didn't mind helping w/the dishes if my Mom was sharing the chore. She'd say "hey sweetie, would you mind rinsing for me so we can get the dishes done faster?" She'd ask in a kind way, that she needed my help & didn't mind doing it with me rather than "you need to do the dishes" which is a negative manner & would achieve nothing but resistance from me since I felt she was just being lazy & didn't wanna do it herself which, in turn, made me feel like a servant. You can also explain to her that you're just trying to help HER out by teaching her things she will need to know once she's grown & on her own because you won't be there to do it FOR her & she'll HAVE to do these things. That it takes time to learn all she needs to know by the time she graduates. So by THAT time she should be ready for the world. Hope this bit of advice helps & good luck.

I found that it always helps if you provide them with a list of choices and let them choose which chores they would be willing to do ( at first). This way they dont feel pressured so much and its easy to remind them its what THEY chose. At 10 my son was feeding and watering the dog, trying to keep his room picked up and helping with dishes,laundry and yardwork and taking out the trash,etc... be sure they know exactly how to perform the chore they opt for...hard to enforce it if they dont know exactly what is expected of them.

My son is 10 and has gotten quite an attitude lately when it comes...well, nearly everything!

On Sunday, I saw that this room was a complete disaster. I told him he needed to clean it. On Monday morning when I went to wake him for school it still wasn't done. I told him he's grounded till it's done. It still isn't done, and he's grounded. He hasn't had TV privileges for nearly three months because of his attitude toward his sisters, and me, and he had his PSP taken away shortly after Christmas and hasn't gotten it back.

That's our punishments...we take away items, then we ground. If that doesn't work (the bad behavior continues) or he gets in trouble for something else, then he (and my middle two who are within 1 1/2 years of him) starts getting chores from the other children.

I hope you're able to figure this out. I'm told it will get better...but I still remember that age and it got better around age 19 for me, lol!

Good luck!

G.:

You didn't say how your daughter was "uncooperative"- yelling, rolling of the eyes, loud sighs, only half doing chores,etc so I am not 100% sure what might work best.

However,what works for my daughter- although she is 7 so it is a little different- is to first be consistant. Tuesday is trash day so on Tuesdays, her trash can is to be emptied outside for the garbage pick up. At the end of the day, any recycle stuff left in the recyle box in the kitchen- from normal cooking and eating that day- is to be taken out to the big recycle bin. Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays are her days to empty the dishwasher. And on it goes. So she knows, what needs to be done on those particular days. Sunday is day of rest day and so no chores other than put up markers or something if she left anything on the table when we sit down to eat. (and oh yes, we emphasize that "see, you don't have to do this every day hurray!)
When she does complain that there is a lot of work, I agree with her and explain that we are all a family and so we work together. I also point out, in a nice way, not overbearing or condescending that Daddy and I have chores too and would she rather cook dinner for everyone, vacuum, buy all the groceries, do all the laundry, clean the stove, wash windows, be in meetings at work for 10 hours, mow the lawn etc? And then I point out that God has blessed us with so much, we need to take care of the things he has given us and be responsible stewards. (she also has Ecl. 9:10 memorized "when your hands find something to do, do it with all your might.") This is extremely helpful when she wants to do something half heartedly or not completely.

We also help solidify in her mind that
1. It is God expecting it of her, not just her parents
2.We all work together
3. We all have responsibilities
4. It's hard, but if God had not blessed Daddy with such a great job, we wouldn't have toys, house, food etc. so in a way, chores are a blessing

We also call them "responsibilities" not chores. It's just a minor wording thing, but sometimes it brings a different conotation to it and can work differently on attitudes.

Hope it helps! Hang in there!

Okay I have a five year old who also has chores. TEh are very simple like making sure the dog has water and food, picking up her toys before bed, and making sure her dirty clothes make it to the hamper. She does have an allowance of $5 a week. What we do is she has until 730 pm to have her chores done,bedtime is 830pm. Whatever chore she has not done and I have to do she has to pay me 50 cents to do it for her.It works great. The first two weeks when she ended up in the hole in her allowance she did not like it because she is saving her money for a new computer game. After that every once in awhile I will have to do a chore for her but not very often.She even tells her cousins that come over I have to do my chores before we go to bed or else I have to pay my mommy and I am not doing that.HTH
FYI she does know how to tell time so that is helpful, and before she could tell time I would just remind her every half hour or so what time it was.

Stong willed! Mine, too! My daughter is responsible for making sure the dogs bowls are filled (everyday), her room is cleaned (at least once a week), and emptying the dishwasher (every other day). My daughter gripes a bit, but she does it, and if she doesn't do it right them I make her fix it until it is done right. In the beginning, I gave her another chore if she complained about doing the things I asked. It took a bit, but she figured out that she was wasting more of her time by complaining and doing it wrong, so now I usually have no problems. Just make sure your not asking for too much, 15 minutes at a time seems resonable. I wouldn't expect more than that at one time.

Have you thought of gearing your daughter's chores to things that affect her more directly. Cleaning up kitchen after a meal, but not alone, with help.

Teach her how to do her own laundry - I started at age 10 with all 4 of my kids and did not do laundry for them again. It gave me more time to attend to other things.

Clean own room/bathroom: this was a major chore for my kids. I had to go in with them, teach them how to organize and clean and change sheets (let them wash their own linens as well as clothes) and then later I would sit in their room and put things on hangers and visit with them until their room was clean. As the kids each got older, they didn't want so much personal time with me IN THEIR ROOMS, so they started to do their chores faster and often without me. At first it was very time consuming, but as time passed I had more free time of my own. The side benefit is that they left/are leaving home with the knowledge of how to do those important chores for themselves. I hope they will lead cleaner and healthier lives for it.

My amusement is how they each liked to leave their laundry until they had nothing clean to wear, and then it was a mad rush at night to get a load washed, dried and ready for the next day.

I guess the most effective discipline is to be with them and teach them until they can do it themselves. Also, little chores like helping unload groceries (well then, they can shop for themselves and fix their own meals) other small chores (no, you can't have guests over for the night because you haven't helped with...gets them every time...The response is usually: Well, what do I have to do in order to be able to have her come over? and the same for going anywhere.)

Start now, because as they get into their teens, it gets more difficult. Be firm and don't allow her to get your goat. One of my daughters was especially good at that and at pitting me against her dad. Always ask nicely for her to do something, and emphasize how much you would appreciate it if she would do it quickly, correctly and with a good attitude. Reinforcement of good behaviour by pouring on the gratitude is always much better than escalating fights and harsh criticisms.

One of my children does not like to be given a verbal list of chores...I have to tell her one thing and when it is done, another. It works better for both of us if I give her a written list and if I have any priorities to note that this task is a priority. Otherwise, I let her complete them in her manner and time - but I do give her a deadline for the chores to be completed.

I too have a 10 year old. A year ago she enjoyed doing her chores, it was fun. Now, she has become quite lazy about it and tries to hurry threw them so she can play with her games, watch t.v., computer, dolls, etc. The one thing she hates is for me to take away the things she loves. I have her to bring me all of her favorite things. Then I tell her that when she is done with her chores, she can have them back. If it is something we have discussed over and over, then she has to earn it back. I give her one favorite thing, and as I see that she's following directions, not being resistant, she earns another back, and so on and so on. I find that this practice really works for me and it helps her to become more responsible and it teaches her accountability.

G. - I am chuckling right now at your request. Oh I know this well!!!

First - have confidence in yourself G. - know that you are the parent and you are reasonable. What you are asking is reasonable. Remember kids constantly test us parents and if we start doubting ourselves, they will get what they think they want - but they don't want anything other than a parent who sticks to their guns (within reason). Don't give in to her and let her know that she means so much to you that you will not give in -she is far too important!

First -talk with her - ask her if she honestly feels that she should do nothing around and not be responsible for anything - not her stuff, and not to the family. Ask her if that is reasonable and if it should apply to all in the family. Once you get this clear then you can also remind her or explain to her that along with the new freedoms she desires, comes more responsibility. If she shows she is responsible with her own stuff and chores, then she shows that she can handle new freedoms. This is her way to prove herself to her family as being trustworthy, responsible, accountable, etc..

What has worked best in our home is "the List". Have HER do this on the computer - part of her owning it all. Then she is responsible for the chores on the list. Let her do it however she wants - detailed or not, whatever will allow her to do the best at her jobs. Then it needs to be on her door or someplace where she will SEE it. She then needs to check things off daily, bi-weekly or whatever is expected with her chore load.

She does the work - all you do then is go and look at the list every night and make sure she has her checks - if not then just refer to her List. It is all you have to say and she will easier do this - it keeps the focus clear. But you need to follow up on this regularly.

Now, she may start doing crappy jobs and that is when you make the comment that she must not want to do "x" this weekend with her friends, because her work is showing a lack of care, responsibility, etc...

It is her job to communicate to you when she cannot get a job done - due to homework, etc... and then you work that out. If she does not do this, she does not get to do what she wants - or you take away her . . . Ipod, phone, games, TV time, phone time, whatever privileges are important to her.

this covers all the bases and you stay out of the engaging and power struggles. Keep it simple - this is the hard part for parents. And, don't forget to talk her up every day on something she did great. We can get too negative with our kids. They need positives.

Good luck!
Alli

My 10 yr old sets and clears the table every night (pending homework status). She is also responsible for cleaning up any messes she makes. Also, she can dust the furniture, clean the mirrors and help feed the cats, but she is not required to do them. I give her an allowance and the more she does the more she gets a week. I usually give her between $3 and $5 a week since she loves to shop for toys, jewelry. It usually works out well.
My sis has a strong willed son so I kinda know what you may be going through. Can you somehow convince her it is in her interest as well. Try to find an incentive for your child. Does she want to go bowling, shopping, wants to save money?
Let her think she has control over the type of incentive acceptable, which chores, and how she can "cash in" on the rewards may get her to voluntarily do some work around the house. Good luck!!!

Hi there G....

Well what can I say about strong willed girls... It's a great thing. I am a single mom of a 9 yr old girl who is also very strong willed and very independent which I am very thankful for. When it comes to chores, she is expected to put her dirty dishes in the dishwasher and after I run the dishwasher, she puts all the dishes away. She is also expected to put away all of her clothes after I wash, dry and fold them. She also has to keep her room/bathroom clean, I don't use that bathroom, guests do, therefore it's her responsibiity to keep it clean. She helps with the cooking and taking care of our dog and bird.

The way I get her to do these things without a fuss, is simply she would not be allowed television, computer, Nintendo or extracurricular activity privileges if she doesn't help. I have explained to her that it is just the two of us and in order to be able to do fun things then chores have to be done first and if we do it as a team then there will be more time to do the fun stuff. I also have a "fast food" night, one evening every week during the week if she has been good about chores and school with no fussing.

You must stick to your guns if you take privileges away. I hope this helps. Good luck.

M..

Hi G.,
G. at 10 they are big enough to pick -up after there self take out the trash ,help clear the table after meals.Discipline is not the answer you need reward is get a poster board make a chart and put a mark by it every time she does her chores ,then reward her ,maybe an allance ,or something she wants to do.If she does nothing for the week ,then ground her to her room for a week ,but ask her daily if she'd like to do her chores before she returns to her room ,so she want have to be there next week .when she does her chores anytime praise is always welcome on a daily bases .Hope this is helpful to you good luck.
L. TX

I also have a ten yr old and she has had chores given to her since she was 8 years old. However, this year I have given her more responsibilty. I think it helps them in their teen and young adult years.
I have often gotten some reponses from her that she does not want to do her chores, but all I have to do is threaten her with taking away privileges and she changes her tune.
I think it's normal G. that our children will resent what we ask of them, but as mentioned it gives them great skills later on in life.

Hi G.! I am also a mother of an 11 year old who is exactly like yours. We have a great relationship until it comes time to clean up his room or help around the house. I have a younger daughter (8) who loves to help me with the chores. I think there is always a point where they don't want to help around the house. I try to make them tidy up their rooms everyday and on weekends they help out around the house. But it is hard to get my 11 year old to help out, he has an attitude and grunts while he is doing it. I have tried talking to him telling him to understand I work all week and need their help. I also reward them with an icecream or something they like, if they help out. That almost always works. If one of them does not help out what I do is take away their, DS, PLAYSTATION or their computer time for that day. That also helps. Even if you are SAHM kids need to learn that there are chores and things they need to help out in the house. It's a way of teaching them responsibility.
I hope this helps a little your situation. Best of luck!

Well as far as choirs our four boys make most of the mess so they clean the mess. They have an assigned area as per their age and thats what the do. We have a 11,8,7, & 5 year old.

I created a chart of "How to make money" and "how to lose Money." Each chore has an amount assigned to it. To keep track of what has been done, I use a day planner and write each chore down. I stress that it is the responsibility of my kids that THEY write down what they do. Payday is weekly. How to lose money comes from not doing things or being asked to do something ie not turning off a light or being asked to pick up their room.

Loss of privelages comes next - no friends over, no going somewhere, no tv, etc - until the jobs get done.

I have also refused to cook dinner / feed said kiddos until their chores are done. I explain that it is a chore for me to cook for them so if they do not feel like doing their chores, there is no reason why I should feel like doing mine. I have found that hunger is a great motivator!!

good luck!!

a 10 yr old should be expected to keep her own room p/u, and to keep common areas (living rm, bathroom, etc.) clear of her clutter (not leaving shoes or backpack on living room floor or kitchen table.) she is old enough to help with cleaning(dusting, vacuuming, sweeping) and could help sort her own laundry. i provide divided laundry hampers for each bedroom so they sort it as they take it off and put it in the hamper. she could also help fold and put away laundry.
you could have a list of things for her to do when she get home in the afternoon, (they must be completed before watching tv, getting on the computer or phone.) or you could give her time to unwind, but the chores have to be done before dinner. at that age, taking away things ususlly works. if my kids don't want to help out then they don't get computer time, or tv time, or can't go to a friend's house or b-day party. being part of a family means everyone has to help do their part around the house.

Hi G. -

I'm glad that your daughter is at least fun and sweet until it's time for the chores! Not all parents are that lucky... and I'm sure you don't consider yourself lucky in this area...but trust me... it is worse for some! :-)

Have you read "Setting Limits With Your Strong Willed Child? By Dr. Robert Mckenzie? It is a GREAT book that I recommend to all parents with Strong Willed children. It really, really helps as well as reassures you that you are not the only one going through this.

Best of luck!

I had the same problem with my daughter at that age and in my opinion she is trying to exert herself.
The chores I assigned my daughter were folding the laundry and putting them away. Dusting the house, and cleaning up her room including making her bed.
What I did was take privilages away from her, until she started doing her chores. If she got out of hand, then
I would send her to her room/sit on a chair to think about
her actions.
Depending on the child, she will grow out of this phase of her life.
Ka

Well G. I started my daughters first with their room I went in there and showed them how I wanted the rooms to look, then expected them to use my example of what a girls room should look like, My 10 year old I started her slowly on dishes and cleaning the upstairs bath room. Her room is to be kept clean every day no matter what, then the bath room once a week from top to bottom. Then I started her on just the week-ends to do the dishes and did inform her that when she does not do the kitchen as is expected she will have consequences. Well she put me to the test 2 weeks ago, and she had an extra week I didn't care how sleepy she was, she was exspected to do her part, well I am getting ready to get her started every other week when school end. Now I have added all these chores as I saw needed to keep her learning that she must help. She will be 11 soon.
With every day life you must contribute something and just let her know that she must do her share now, let her know that she is needed and you can't do it with out her, when it come to house work, don't prize her on house work, I am not a beliver of allowances but let her know that when she does what you want, then she can have what she want, with in seasonable reach, and even when it hurt you keep your ground, she will understand later, just keep working on her but stand strong, girl have a power thing when it come to getting what they want. I have 4 girls and they were all different when it came to house work or any work in general :), always a power struggle, like I was the child and they were the adult, but I hung in there and they got what I wanted from them just be consistant and strong. Stand firm on what you say to her.

Your friend M.

Two websites that can help alot: www.flylady.com and www.HouseFairy.com. They give you info like the following:
Week one can be the detail clean of the dresser, Week two can be the closet, Week three can be the bed zone and Week four can be the floor zone. When making these zones-be specific. Many times they just don't know where to start and get frustrated.
This is a transition time for her and you could make a deal if she keeps her room clean for so long, you can shop/decorate her room like a teenager now instead of a little girl!! This incentive worked great with my 16 yr old!! She loves her new leopard bedspread and maked the bed so she can see it!! LOL Just be prepared to decorate with their theme (within reason).
If you don't start her now, she will not know how to clean her own home/apartment.

I am the mother of four adult children, so I may be alittle outdated, but I think the problem here is the word "ask". You are a working mother, she is old enough to have given duties/responsibilities to keep the household going. Her room is her primary responsibility, and it should be kept in order as well as other areas of the house. She is also old enough to do weekly bathroom clean-up. She should also be helping with meals, such as setting the table and loading/unloading the dishwasher. You do not ASK her to do these, you TELL her that as a member of the family it is her responsibility and if she doesn't comply then privileges will be taken away. Stick to your guns and after awhile she'll learn that your are in control and not her. As long as you allow her to run you, she will....she's a normal kid, they all try it. By the way, where is your husband in all this?

Girl!! My son is 8yrs old and has had chores since he was he was 6yrs old. Even my girls, especially my girls, have had to do around the house since they were 5yrs. If they know how to ask for stuff and things they want, they are old enough to do things around the house. There is no leeway at my house!!! Believe me,,grounding them and keeping them in their room w/nothing to do and taking away their most valuable things, it hurts more than spankings. My daughters are 14y.o. and 11y.o and it works perfectly w/no problems and I get the respond I want from them QUICKLY w/no attitude or smart remarks. They know better!! You have to be strong and put your foot down. It hurts you but believe me, it works wonders! I'm a single parent raising 3 on my own for the past 8yrs and I've been told that my kids are well behave for not having their father around! My kids were 7, 4, and 6months old when my husband left us. Being strong and putting my foot down has worked for me, myself, and I!!!LOL You just need to be strong and a little slapping here and there will straighten her out quick,,,ask my 14y.o.!! Believe me, she trys but before she finishes her sentence w/attitude/smart remarks,,my hand is all up on her face w/a quickness!! And because of my disciplinary actions towards my kids, they are doing great and many people compliment me on my kids behavior. Don't be scared to punish the disobedient!! If I can do it by myself, you can too! Remember, you have a complete family, I don't!!!

Chores I did when I was 10-
folded my laundery and put it away
folded towels, put them away
cleaned my bathroom
unloaded the dishwasher and helped loading
vacuumed the house

Now, you don't want her to do ALL of it in one day, but maybe two chores a day. IF I didn't do my chores, I couldn't watch tv, play video games, or play with my friends. So ultimately it was my choice to do the chores, but I quickly learned that my life was pretty miserable if I didn't do my chores. And they stacked up. If it had been three days since I did chores then I had quite a list of things that had to be done before I could have fun.

S., mom to four girls

my children aren't quite 10 yet but my oldest is 8. They have their chores that they are expected to do daily. Clean their room, and take out the trash. As they get older the more they are responsible for. If these chores are not done daily after their homework they get no T.V. or video games and they sure don't get to go out side and play. (That one hurts them the most)On weekends they are expected to gather all of their school uniforms and put them in the laundry room and ontop of their other chores they have to make sure their bathroom is clean. I don't think that it is too much to ask the children to help. After all you gave them life and a home and food and just about everything else they want. I grew up in a home where the were 5 of us and everyone had their own chores that were to be done daily. Because I was raised that way I now know how to wash dishes and clothes! You don't want your daughter growing up not knowing how to do anything! Most people cant afford maids so she needs to know how to keep her home clean. If she were a boy then my answer will be the same. Boys need to know how to fend for themselves as well!

G., I have felt your pain. :) My husband came up with a really neat idea, and so far has worked wonders. (We've had the plan in action about 4-5 months now) First off, he came up with the chores for each child, and in a family meeting we discussed who would be doing what and on what days. (later, I printed a list for every day of the week and listed the chores for each person, so there would be no mis-understanding- or just plain excuse) Then, we have a dry-erase board.. and any time a chore is not completed or I have to do it or it was done only half-way (meaning the chore wasn't done) then that person receives an 'X' next to their name. They can received up to 4 'X's. With an X next to their name, they are not able to go and do anything or have anyone over. If they get 4 X's, they are grounded for 1 week. The only way to get an X off, is if there is something extra for them to do. (Ex: cleaning baseboards, washing walls, picking up the poop in the yard... something that is not an everyday chore and that will be difficult to do) It took a while of getting into the swing of things and was a little tuff at first with all the whining and crying, but what I liked about this, is the rules were layed out and the chores are written out... so if they don't do them, it is them that is punishing themselves. It is obvious if the chore isn't done, so they get an X.... it's not my word against theres or a different punishment each time. It's consistent, and they are able to see if they have any X's on the board, so they know whether or not they are allowed to do anything. I love it! And on the chores, they do have quite a few chores, but we are a large family... my 3 yr old has to keep her bedroom and the living room picked up daily (my 5yr old is to help her), my 5 yr old has those chores plus feeding the cat and dog and wiping the table down after all meals, my 7 yr old does the dinner dishes and sweeps daily, she has trash and vacuuming on different days, my 17 yr old has quite a few more chores. There are special occasions that they don't have to do there chores... such as late games for school, or church nites that are late. But they have learned to hurry up and get their stuff done so that they have time to be with their friends.