Need Help with 16 Year Old Son

Okay 2nd time writing response. Try tough love with a threat of emancipation. Sit down with him and draw up a legal and binding contract about the rules of the house. Get him to a psychologist and have them tell you what he needs. He might also need ant-depressants. Have his doctor do a D3 test on him as low levels can result in depression. More important if he holds you responsible for all his wrong doings I think a contract that is legal and binding would be a great idea, that way you can all come up with the rules and all be held accountable. He might wake up then knowing that he could have severe consequences to his actions. You could take the door to his room away and tell him that when he starts to shape up he gets certain priveleges back such as his door, computer, anything else. Good Luck.

Been there (am there). Don't have the answers. Just wondering if he really does have friends. My son has a lot of "friends" at school, but none whose last name or address he could name. No one here he feels comfortable inviting over. That's hard on a kid, too.

LOL- your son sounds like my three friends teenagers :) I don't think this is uncommon. My one friend's son and I got a long great and then BAM! He was a jerk :) He has few friends, and the same with the tv and computer. Perhaps you can ask him if he would be interested in becoming a mentor to a younger child...it sounds strange, but my friend had a baby, and since then, he son has REALLY done a 90 ;) he still is crappy around her and some close friends, but he is GREAT with the baby. Perhaps he just needs someone to have a positive affect on. I know when I am feeling like I am a waste of space and no one cares that I live or die, it always helps to know that 'we' are making a positive for someone else. See if he would be interested in volunteering at a zoo or at a humane society. You would be surprised how teenagers, when given 'responsibility' will turn around. Good Luck

What would happen if you took all the TV's and computers out of the house?

Believe me, I know what a pain in the butt that would be for you and your husband, but I might be tempted to try it (can't believe I'm saying this because I'm addicted to my netbook).

Seriously, though, what would he do then? At least he'd have to read, or get up and go do something somewhere else.

Feel for you . . . hang in there.

So even Counseling did not help?
Its not Depression?
Any peer problems or Bullying?
What does his Teacher say/think?

Does he have friends? Even if a few...
What are they like?

How is your relationship, with him?
Is there a relationship?
Or just acting in reaction to him kind of thing?

FIND another Counselor. Or a Therapist.
Or maybe it is a chemical imbalance....
Take him to the Doctor... or speak to the Doctor.

He seems so apathetic.
Was Depression ever considered?

How is his self-esteem?
Why only with adults, is he this way?
Does he feel judged?
Not perfect enough?
Lacking an Identity?
Lacking age appropriate social skills?
Developmental problems?

Was he always this way or only now?

I would seek another, Counselor or Therapist.
Not all are alike, nor will 'click' with a child.

Oh wow, you must be so tired! First of all you should give yourself a pat on the back. There are so many parents who would have just looked the other way at this point and the fact that you've tried so many different things and not given up on your kid is a testament to your parenting; you should be proud of yourself.

It's always difficult to figure teens out. Do you just have a late bloomer (I mean on a maturity/emotional level) or is it something else? I know, if you knew this would be so much easier! You said you had him in counseling. Was it a psychiatrist or a therapist? He sounds like he could be suffering from clinical depression or some other issue, I would follow up with another psychiatrist if he's already been to one. Some of this just sounds like normal teenage boy stuff. Lot's of teens don't want to talk to their families and are defiant. How are the friends he does have? Are they rebels? Bad relationships with their families? He may be emulating to have common ground with them. Is he bullied in school? He may be rude as a defense.

I wish I had more advice, but it sounds like you are doing everything you can and eventually he will realize that he has a family that loves him and cares for him. Maybe see about summer camps focusing on computers or something else he really likes? Again, I would have him re-evaluated for depression. Keep up the great work momma, keeping a good thought for you!

I don't have an answer to your question but did want to say that my BIL (when he was young) went to military school (trying to correct bad behavior)... and it got him into things MUCH worse that what he was doing before. So if it does ever become an option - please be cautious and REALLY do your research.

Re-visit depression OFFICIALLY - the sentence "He doesn't have many friends, he doesn't go out, play sports nor is he in any extra curricular activities. ... yet he still just stays at home and stares at the computer, tv or sleeps." basically describes what happens when you are depressed.

Good luck!

Oh, sweetie --

I can't offer you any more wisdom, any additional tips or tricks. What I CAN offer is perspective. My second daughter was like your son, only with more drama. Ours is a (*ahem* clears throat) complex family situation. She was a mess for years. After years on the rollercoaster, there was a huge blow-up, she left to live with her "mother". I thought for sure we lost her. But things change, kids grow up and parents still love them. She's come a long way. So have we.

Two months ago we went together to choose her wedding dress. It was such a wonderful, wonderful day. And 12 years ago I never would have guessed we could get there.

I hope the same for you and for your family. One day, you will find yourself out the other side with your son. And you'll cry with happiness at how far you've all come.

Hang in.

So what does the Counselor say is the problem? If they have not figured it out, then I think you need to find a therapist and have them decide what is problems are.. Also you need to make sure you go as a family as well.

He sounds like a depressed teen to me, but also like a boy teen. They can be much in turmoil and not able to discuss it, because they do not always understand how to put into words what is going on.

I have known my husband since we were 13.. We talked A LOT as teens.
I know my husband used to just shut down when asked why, why, why? "Why don't you get your home work turned in? Why don't you stick with this activity? Why don't you ask for help. Why don't you do it like this? Why can't you remember these simple things"

He felt like a failure for not being able to answer these questions.. It had a lot to do with him feeling like no matter what he did, he was never going to "do it right" and live up to others expectations, so he was completely overwhelmed. He did not know where to even begin.. He could not break down tasks.

He has ADHD and still has these things going on. He will never be able to comprehend times and dates.. It has to be written down on a calendar. entered into his phone and I still have to remind him a million times about events.. Thank goodness we had a child, so I did not loose my mind.. I could turn to her and ask, "Did mommy tell dad about the Wedding this weekend?" Daughter, yes you told him 3 times. 1st at brunch with grandma, then in the car on the way to the library and then you told him on Monday to be ready to go to the Wedding this weekend." Me "Ok, I am not mad at dad, I just needed to make sure I was not losing my mind."

I know here in Austin the public school offers an alternative school, for the kids that are better at going at their own pace. Some of them can complete a school year worth of work in months and others can take a little longer.. It is an awesome way for these students to take the time THEY need to focus on their work. They do not let them willy nilly attend school, but once they are there.. if they want to work on 1 subject at a time to complete all that has not been completed they can do this. They make an individual plan that the student is a part of.. Then they guide them there on campus to complete it.

I didn't know my son moved out and moved in with you! We also did everything we could think of, however, we did get our son in band. He is a drummer so when high school came around he had a nich. When he pulled the "victim" with me, I told him "I had to provide a roof, didn't say it had to be a house, could be a tent. I told him I had to provide food, didn't say I had to provide steak, I told him I had to provide clothing, didn't say it had to be Polo and that we would go to good will." He is now 18 and about to graduate high school with a 3.0 average. He is looking at universities and joined the Army National Guard.

Your son sounds depressed. Go to a different therapist and have him checked. Good luck!

I think it is pretty safe to say your son is depressed. Sounds pretty clear-cut to me. Have you tried a different counselor? A psychiatrist? Have you tried medication?

I have a 16 year old that was similar, she was either playing video games or on her laptop. I just let her be. She was 14-15 at the time, and I only diciplined her when grades were bad. Come to find out her being grouchy all the time was that she was resenting me for being hateful to her boyfriend (her first serious one, and she and he claim to be last) and didnt want to talk to me. We got in a huge fight, she told me exactly how she felt, and I continued to be hateful for a while. i am trying to be nicer, and shes nicer to be around now too. Still plays her video games 24/7 but her grades are great and shes less grouchy

What I am trying to say, is is there something that maybe youre doing to discourage and upset him? maybe ask him nicely if their is?

Also, I let her get a cat (she found a Siamese rescue, Siam is now Thialanf, and her boyfriends name is Ty so she thought it would be cute, named him Captain Jack though) and she loves to come home to him and cuddle, he'l sit on her lap while shes playing and follow her around. She'll talk to him,
"Howre you, Captain?" "Want some catnip?" and he'll meow up at her (found out that Siamese are very vocal)

Maybe try a pet that is solely his?

My one friend's son and I got a long great and then BAM! He was a jerk :)
HAHAHA Life with teens. Claire you cracked me up.

Mine also was very good as the church sunday school teacher's helper in the 2 yo room. He loved "his kids" and was very protective and gentle with them. He did that for three years from 15-almost 18.
He also really loved the youth group at church. They went on some missions trips that set him right for a few weeks after he got home, Hey I took what I could get .
We eventually gave him an ultimatum, out of the house at graduation, or join the miitary, he's now in the Navy and doing very well.

It sounds like this behavior has been on going and honestly, 2 years of counseling is not enough! Hopefully you can find a good therapist who can work with him and your family. He is almost 18 and it will soon be harder to be involved in counseling with him given that he is an "adult". A really good therapist will be able to work with him and give you honest answers about what you can do and maybe what you have been doing that enables this behavior as well. I don't understand why you don't take the computer and tv away from him though---especially if he is disrespectful and irresponsible. These are privileges remember, not rights!

Hi CH,
I have a 14 year old son who is also a "victim" at times when he is not getting his way. And his way is to live in front of the PS3 or computer and have me do everything for him. Needless to say, I refuse. So we but heads sometimes

He is also doing poorly in school - some because he wanted to try 9th grade without the ADD meds (he is voluntarily starting those again) and some because he just doesn't do the classwork.

He has set chores to do. If he doesn't do his laundry he wears dirty clothes, and if he doesn't do the other chores I take away the PS3 and computer. Period. Oh, he acts like he does not care - but it drives him crazy - at this age they act like nothing matters to them.....but it does - it all matters WAY too much.

I have a couple of thoughts for you.
1. Sit down with your son and calmly discuss his responsibilities - set them down in writing and write down the consequences for failure to adhere to them. Make him become an active participant in this. This gives him the feeling of having some control which I think Teens need.

3. Computer, tv or sleeps - Ha, you are describing my son! I have set limits on the amount of time he can watch TV, PS3 or computer. When time is if he doesn't shut it down I just turn it off. But, we used #1 above to work out the time plan. To ensure that he does other things, I take him to do things and I encourage him to invite friends over to build that social interaction.

2. School - I have been very straight forward with my son that if he fails he will repeat the grade. I will not allow him to go to summer school to make it up. I ask if he has homework, offer to help, everything, but it is ultimately up to him if he fails and he knows it. I put the ball in his court.

3. Counseling - I have done that with my son when he was 13. We had a great therapist that he clicked with, but who was also very honest in telling me that boys his age just sometimes were not ready to do the work required. At 16, your son may be more able to handle the emotional work than he was at 14. If the therapist you are/were seeing id not working out - find another - find one that specializes in teens if you have not already done so. You would not continue to go a pediatrician who never "cured" him - don't continue to go to a therapist that is not helping. ALSO - do family counseling if you are not already. Get everyone in the room together - it worked wonders for my son and I to learn how to communicate.

4. Depression - he may well be. Please have that checked out again. Mine did Zoloft for a few months - it helped enormously and got him back on track.

Teens are hard to deal with and it is just horrible when are kids are not living up to their potential.BUT, don't give up on him and don't ship him off to school. That will make him feel unwanted. Do keep trying to talk to him but avoid "you" statement. E.G., You are lazy". Use "I" or "We" statement - "We need to find a way to communicate better" "I am concerned ....".

Everyone tells me that they become human again. I just hold on to that thought.

PM me if you want to - I really do know what you are going through - as mine had some real issues that manifested the same a couple of years ago.

There is most definitely something wrong when a 16 year old doesn't leave the house, doesn't enjoy any activities, and is failing school...what a horribly unsuccessful, boring life he is living. My guess is that you're wrong about depression or his mental health in general. How can he not be. I'm depressed for him. He needs your help and he needs it fast. You need to find a counselor that will work with your son and the family that can turn this situation around. It is your job as a parent to get him the help he needs.

He sounds like me as a 16 year old. It was a living hell for me, and definately for my poor parents. No one thought to give it a name then. They all just said I was "moody". Now my 16 year old nephew is going threw that same horrible experience. Take him to see a psychiatrist. I was absolutely amazed at the difference I felt 2 days after starting on an anti depressant at the age of 49. I felt normal for the first time in my life! God I wish I had know about them 29 years ago. Please do it for his sake.

God bless you. You must be feeling so drained and helpless. Don't give up.

W.