D Is Outcast and Now Believes She Is Freak

If she believes she is a freak, she needs better counseling, not less.

Forget about grades. Her As dropped to Bs? No big deal unless she herself is all upset about it. Then you have to figure out why she is so upset about that. Fear of failure? Is that why she reacts to being told she did something wrong?

Being an introvert is fine. Being afraid of the world and others is not. Isolating herself in her room can be a telltale sign of depression. When she's at school, are you checking her room to see if there's anything harmful going on?

If she loves to draw and likes coding, perhaps she could pursue ONE of those things in a very small, quiet group. Maybe a local museum has classes? You could let the instructor know that she reacts poorly to criticism right now. Or, perhaps an in-home tutor for one of those things, dedicated just to her. That might help her build confidence.

I think counseling and a life coach (or a combination) are in order. She's 16. She cannot go out into the world like this, and she can't function in her current world like this. I know she doesn't want to talk about it - but that doesn't mean she shouldn't. Maybe she needs a different counselor. And maybe someone designated as a "life coach" would be more palatable to her.

She needs a backbone, and it's up to you to find someone to help her develop that. By the way, staying in a bad marriage isn't good for kids. They know there's something wrong, whether you've told them or not. It can work the opposite way of what you intend, showing them that people should wallow in their misery - which is exactly what she is doing. It shows that people aren't willing to do something difficult to make their lives better - which is exactly what she is doing. It can burden them by making them feel responsible for their parents' unhappiness. They may misread their parents' frustrations and angers at being directed at the kid, rather than the other parent. Think that over and get some serious counseling for yourself and your husband about this.

I'm so sorry. This is so hard. I would definitely try a different therapist. From our experience they are all so different...different personalities...etc. If you find someone who is the right fit then she will really bond with your kid. We found this one therapist for our son who was amazing. She was really into teens (she was very youthful herself with some piercings, etc). she spent the first 3 months mostly bonding, talking video games, talking about whatever our son was into. He loved her and grew to look forward to going. I think that it is perfectly ok to be an introvert and sensitive and shy and into art and coding...all those things are cool. But the self esteem/lack of confidence issues really mean she should see a good therapist for a while to help her. Plus a great therapist will teach her all these ways to manage her sensitivity...how to cope...how to deal with issues that arise in a healthy way. My husband and I are both scientists and we live in a science-y town...there are many many awesome shy, coding introverts here. I hope she can find her tribe in life.

How long did you try counseling? It may take awhile for her to open up and talk. If you've given it a generous try, and it's not working, find another therapist. One therapist can be so different from the next, and you just have to keep searching until you find the right match, someone your daughter will connect and cooperate with. Don't let her quit counseling altogether for not talking. Let her see that this behavior isn't going to get her out of going.

I agree that for a number of people, irritability and anger are symptoms of depression. My 16 year old acts that way when her depression goes up. I remind myself that anger is a secondary emotion. Still, you have to draw boundaries when you happen to be the target.

I wouldn't worry about the grades going from A's to B's. I would keep her in an activity or two so she has opportunity for connection with peers who share her interests. What about a part time job, or volunteering? A gym membership? Connect her to doing things with relatives, and plan things as a family. Friendships may be hard for her right now, but at least you can make sure she is somewhat busy and engaged.

Sometimes my daughter gets irritated with me when I more closely supervise her when she's been acting depressed, and then sometimes I will let let her know matter of factly that based on her demeanor, I will be close by, and checking on her more often (for safety). She doesn't get to be all dark and sad and be left totally alone or go off by herself. When her mood is better, I give her more freedom and space.

Anger can be a form of depression - and kids often take out their hurt on their parent (often mom) when they get home from school, after keeping it in all day.

Have you had counseling? I was told to not take it. To have personal boundaries with this kid. I will listen (if it's not an attack) for so long but then I have limits.

My kid is an introvert, so needs down time. Nothing wrong with drawing or coding. Is your child an introvert? Some kids need that time to themselves.

As for not keeping friends and not dealing well with criticism - some kids tend to be rather inflexible. If your child is too sensitive and feels 'attacked' - then she may end friendships because she is not able to handle the give and take of them. Sometimes that's a defense mechanism. It's easier than being vulnerable.

I wouldn't mistake that with being shy (I'm shy). I have confidence and am very social. I just don't go up to people at parties and introduce myself for example. I gab with people I know and am happy to meet new people - I'm just not that outgoing. There's a difference.

If she's not confident and doesn't trust other teenagers - then she may be insecure and/or depressed. I would keep her in counseling - maybe find a new one. Sounds like she hasn't connected with the one she has. Go together.

I wouldn't stay in an unhappy marriage just for her sake. You can both support her even if you're not together.

Keep up with the counseling - it takes time and it might help eventually.
Besides counseling for your daughter I hope you and your husband are also participating in some family counseling,

Not sure what is going on with your marriage but if it's over and needs to end postponing it due to your daughters difficulties is not a good reason to keep the marriage going.
It places too much pressure on your daughter who starts to feel responsible for keeping you guys together.
She's a kid - you and her father are adults.
Adults need to be responsible for handling the adult stuff - so you and hubby go handle it.

I think many kids go through periods when they feel they are outcast and freaks.
Whether it takes place in middle school, high school or for some even in college - it can take awhile to find themselves and figure out where they fit in.
As far as grades go - a B average is not the end of the world.
You know she can do better - but B is not dropping out of school - so cut her just a little slack on that.

She has interests.
That's great! and that's the key to her widening her circle of friends.
She likes to draw - get her into an after school art class.
Getting to know more about art, drawing, maybe painting will help her meet other artists.
She likes to code and write programs - get her into a programming class.
While there are several programs online - for her socializing purposes it would be better if there was some class she could go to where she could meet other programmers.
Talk to her guidance counselor at school and get some ideas about classes, clubs, activities that are available for your daughter.

Oh - and a great movie that you and your daughter might enjoy.
Bedazzled (2000 film) with Brendan Fraser and Elizabeth Hurley.

"If you want to be somebody else - change your mind".
Great advice for any kid (or anyone) who's looking for their niche.

Seems like you are treating your Daughter like a victim and she’s acting like one. Get to volunteer and actually help others so she is not so self absorbed..

I suggest that postponing separation could be a part of her depression. She knows you're at odds with each other and feels the tension.

I agree with those that recommended
more activites. When she meets more people there is more of an opportunity to find a friend. I suggest you might start by the two of you find activities to do together. I would replace some of her alone time with activity. It could be helping at home. Does she have chores for which she's responsible? Provide activity at home in which she can be successful could help her build self esteem.

I was shy and introverted as a teen. Two girls invited me to hang out with them at one of their houses. I had nothing in common with them. Actually my only activity was reading. After school activities were focused on sports.
Even at the time I thought they did this because they liked me and were able to include me.

Perhaps you could go to PTA meetings. The one I joined had fund raising activities. The kids helped set up the room for selling books, a fund raiser for a Spanish Club dinner, yearly bazaar with booths for individual sellers. Talk to the school to get a phone number of a PTA officer to ask about this.

I also suggest talking with the school counselor. Tell her about your daughter and ask for advice. You can also learn about the clubs. I suspect your daughter hasn't considered while looking at a list.

There are part time jobs for teens. In Oregon one has to be 16 to work around electric equipment. The school or regular counselor may know of jobs suitable for her

I also agree that she should be in counseling. My daughter and granddaughter were in counseling because I insisted.and drove them. Sometimes children just have to do what parents say.

Today I"m an extrovert in part, because my mother pushed me to get out and do things she coached me on how to talk/act in new situations. As an adult I thought of killing myself and started counseling. I learned I had been depressed many years. I "lost," many years in which I could've had fun

i'm sorry your daughter is suffering, and glad you are trying to help.

i'm not at all sure that postponing ending a marriage that is over is a good thing. you can both support her without continuing to live a pretense. probably better.

you shouldn't really know what she's doing in counseling. but if this counselor doesn't work, try another one. and try for a while. you don't see good results in just a few weeks, not typically.

are you in counseling too?

she might need the bright light of your worry to relax a bit too. i'd definitely look into volunteering opportunities for her. getting the focus off her and her worries and onto something outside of her would be a great thing for everybody.

good luck!
khairete
S.