Need Advise - Austin,TX

Find time to workout. Youwill feel sexier and more energetic and you will want to show off the new body. It works, promise.

It's normal. I went through that at same age and after my son was born. I just gave it some time... but meanwhile I would buy sexy night clothes and tried my best. I even bought lubrication because I was so not in the mood I needed the help. Exercising helps a lot and feeling pretty and sexy too.

Lets review for a second. You are young, working full time and have two babies. Good grief, I would be tired too! You have two full time jobs. Looks like you had your two babies pretty close together. That could be part of the issue. Maybe you are afraid you will get pregnant again. My husband and I went through this. He traveled alot (75 to 80% gone)! So I had two little ones, worked full time, didn't have any family to help. I was exhausted and pissed! Not exactly a recipe for wild monkey sex! My point is this isn't just your problem to fix, its a "we" problem to fix. Does he help out with the kids or household chores? You stated that you want to make him happier, well does he try to make you happier? For most women, sex is emotional for men its physical. He needs to woo you so you get in the woohoo mood! He needs to work on this as much as you do.

First of all your attitude is great. The fact you want to make your guy happy is a perfect place to start. Are you on the pill? I was and my sex drive went from hot to not pretty quickly. I hated it because it was like as much as I love my man I could not get my body to respond to him. So if you are I would do some research on that, I was blown away when I got off it to try and conceive and found the fires burning once again. I never want to take it again!! If not, definitely talk to your doctor about it, it could definitely be hormonal. Let you man know you are going to do whatever you need to to figure out what is up and that it not about him, he is super HOT!! The male ego is a delicate thing:) Best wishes I really hope you get it resolved soon:)

At 24, while your sex drive may not match your husband's, but you should have some sex drive. Are you tired from the day? It is hard to feel like sex when you are exhausted. You work and have 2 young girls. Does your hubby help with the children and the house, or are you doing it all on your own? Also, are you on the pill? One form of the pill totally killed my sex drive. After I stopped taking it, my sex drive came back up. My other question would be, how were you before children?

You may want to talk to a doctor if you can't find any other solutions. Good luck.

Don't feel bad. My husband and I are having the same problem for the past 6 yrs.!!! I'm 43 and my husband is 46.

Men, just don't understand all the physical and hormonal changes, that we go through during and after pregnancy.

Our hormones change, and we don't have the desire or need for sex. Men, on the other hand, get very defensive and don't understand what we are going through. They start to blame themselves, and want to know what they are doing wrong.

We have been seeing a therapist, and it seems to be working. But, we have had a set back. This is normal. Once I feel the desire, it may not come back for quite some time. I can go months without having any sex, and it doesn't bother me. I can live without it.

Try seeking help and advice from a sex therapist. You might want to have some blood work done to check your hormone levels.

Good Luck.

To fix this, you have to change your attitude. It is not an easy thing to do. Sometimes, I can fall back into that rut and I have to rebuke myself. You will have to begin by looking at it as a love service to him. You do it for him even when you're not in the mood and you don't complain about it either or hold it against him later on about how much you sacrifice for him, etc. Then, you will also begin to enjoy it more and more and even crave it (but rarely more than him). It will get easier in time in general, there are always those minor exceptions. But, overall you both will be happier. Don't wait for when you're in the mood. Sometimes, I know I have no desire and so it's a little hard to fake and so I don't want to "initiate", but I will then wear something sexy underneath my daily clothes and he will find out eventually (or just go to sleep naked) and that will be all it takes with very little effort on your part. I do this when I know he will need it, I'm willing but not wanting it, and it does help the process along when I'm in a rut. You have small children, you're tired and dirty and don't feel sexy, by the time you have time, it is the farthest thing from your mind, etc. But you still need each other emotionally and physically. This helps on those harder weeks.

Your approach to this sounds really sane -- you aren't blaming him, and you're willing to do what you can to change yourself. Have a look at the book (or even better, the tapes) Hot Monogamy -- I found them really helpful, but unfortunately I got to them too late to salvage the situation -- my husband shut down completely and hasn't initiated sex in years. So you are wise to be working on this early in the relationship -- Hot Monogamy has a lot of really good ideas and approaches. If he would be willing to read of listen to it with you, that would be REALLY great because it has excellent ideas for both the "high sex drive" and "lower sex drive" partner.

Good luck!
M.

congrats on your five years of marriage! you know what your doing, you recognized that there is a problem and you are going to fix it. sex for women is an emotional thing. having arguements about it truly sticks in the back of your mind and makes sex a negative thing. i dont know how often you have sex or what the average amount of sex is. if its truly a problem and you have a low libito ( sp ). then it could be diet, exercise, or medication your taking. if the problem presists you should go to a counciler. sex drive can have conflicts with stress at work, family, friends. theres tons of stresses that can effect your sex life. get to the real root of the problem. in the mean time be extra affictioiet towards your husband. lack of sex can feel like rejection. do you feel self concious? is he romancing, forplay, enough? good luck. dont give up.

You're right--you're really young to be having this problem. You need to discuss it frankly with your gynecologist. He/she can give you some hormones to "jump-start" your libido.

It could be, too, that you are really tired after taking care of your children all day. Perhaps you should look into getting a babysitter or a family member to watch them so that you can have some quality alone-time with your husband. Remember, the security of your family depends on keeping the love relationship alive between you and your husband.

You don't mention whether this is a new problem or if you've felt this way all along. If you had a healthy sex drive to begin with and have lost it, you can definitely get it back. Do what you need to--not only will your husband be happy, but you will, too.

I am in this same position except our children are much older and we have been together for 17 yrs, but it has been this way for some time. I am looking forward to seeing the advice others give. Hope someone can help us!

Hello N.....I think many of us go through this at one or another point in our lives....but if you want to do this only to make him happy...you might be having the wrong approach.
Sex is and should be a very important part of a healthy relationship. Keep in mind, it is a great way of relaxation and you burn plenty of calories too ....lol....ok I am trying to make it appealing to you. I have been through pretty similar situation where it was like oh no please....then I learned that this is more important than worrying about cleaning the house or any other chores...when we are happy together, our children benefit too. And believe me if you both are unhappy sexually, sooner or later the signs start to show outside the bedroom.
My suggestion, make it your priority. Get in the mood. Take a shower or bath (may be together :)) read a book, light erotica perhaps. Set the mood, prepare your room, wear something that makes you feel sexy. And talk to him openly. If you are enjoying while doing it, then the task will not appear to be task.
Having good sex is a lot better then buying a fancy pair of shoes...lol...and you will definitely enjoy the benefits.

Have you talked with your OB or primary dr? You very well could be missing that sex drive (hormone that gives you that) I would chat with the dr. And see if they can give you something to help. Don't let this go! Marriage is worth more.

My best advice is to find a sitter for a weekend and go someplace alone with your husband.You will not be tired from housework,kids etc. Relax and have fun with each other. Or you can find a family member who will take them for the weekend and you stay home and relax. Start with the back rub with lotion and go from there.

Hi N.,

Your story is very familiar. I had the same problem after my kids were born. I asked my dr. about it and he said with all the changes that the body goes thru with pregnancy for 9 months it takes about that many months for longer for you body to get back to normal. Your kids are very close in age so it may take you a little while longer. I am not saying not to take advice of the others but remember there is nothing wrong with you. Also at your husbands age they are in the peak time of there life. I realize you are only in your 20's but the womens body goes thru much more than a man's ever thinks about. And they say that a womans peak time is in her later 30's early 40's. Don't be discourage about that at all but it is true. I hope your husband understands how much of a change you have gone thru and with having 2 small children and working and running a house it is very exhausting. Hope this helps, and good luck!

I do hear you, N. - I'm married to one of those high-libido men. Lots of good comments from all who responded to you. I just want to add that it's hard to realize how important sex is to our guys. I think it helps them feel more human and connected to us. It even seems to make my husband more willing to pitch in on chores. ;0j

For women (or at least for me), enjoyable sex requires the right mindset - fantasy and imagination help! Also, I've had to have some frank talks with my husband, to let him know my needs are different from his - and that he's my honey.

The mis-matched sex drives can be hard. A few months ago, I was seriously worried about my marriage - I just felt like my husband was constantly hounding me; he felt like I was constantly rejecting him. We really had to talk through it - he had to back down a little, and I had to step it up a bit.

You are wise to pay attention to the need for good sex in a good marriage. It's just a beautiful part of life. I wish you the best!

I hear ya!

One of the best things for MY libido is my husband taking on some of my chores. It relieves my load and makes him appreciate all that I do. I am not so tired that I have time and desire.

Try sexy books and movies. Don't underestimate that! NOT PORN, but something good and steamy.

You can also go to your dr. to see if your hormones are out of whack. They can also give you some testosterone to increase libido.

Good Luck!

As you can see you are no alone in this situation. You have a very full life with two children, keeping a house, working etc. and this can certainly lead to you being tired and not wanting sex. Sex is a vital part of any marriage but it also takes compassion and understanding on your husband's part. It is not just "the man" has to have it or else. The husband needs to also understand the loads on the wife as well and there will be those days when just a quick kiss or a pat on the back means more than anything at that moment. You and your husband need to see if there is anyway you can set aside a date night. It would be nice once a week but it could also be twice a month or once a month and just the two of you get away for awhile to enjoy each others company and put some passion back in your life. I do remember when I was young and had two children and I was in the same situation as you, working and doing it all. By the time night time came around I was just to darn exhausted and sex was the last thing on my mind. Thank goodness I had a very understanding husband however I also remember many years later when I had to have a hysterectomy and sex was never better. Why? Because I no longer had the fear of getting pregnant again as we had the number of children we wanted. I do strongly suggest that you do talk to your doctor though. I know it is a hard thing to talk about but believe me, once you mention it to your doctor you will find that he or she has talked to many woman about this same subject and sometimes it can be physical or mental issue that you may need help with. There is nothing wrong with that and it will not be forever. You may also find you are just flat run down. I would first make sure there is nothing wrong with your body and then work from there. We seem to always blame things on being tired or bored or something and it could be something so simple that a medication can take care of it or even a little counseling. You and your husband can work through this as long as you are both understanding of each other. Arguing will get you nowhere but maybe divorce court and is not good for either of you or your children. Sit your husband down and explain to him how you feel and tell him you are going to work on getting to the bottom of the problem. If he is any kind of husband he will understand and be proud of you for recognizing there is a problem and wanting to find out how to resolve it. Good Luck to you and just remember you are not alone. This happens to many woman. A lot will talk about it and a lot won't admit it. Hang in there. It will all work out for you but again as long as the two of you work on it together. If you have a husband who is angry over it or wants a divorce over it then I am sorry, you don't need someone like that who is self centered and only thinks of themself. I have heard husband who have left their wives because they didn't get any sex. Again marriage is so much more than just sex and if that is all they wanted then they shouldn't have married in the first place. Life is hard and taxing on everyone and each of us handle it in our our way and do the best we can. Just hold your head up, don't argue about it anymore and please seek help from your doctor. I am praying for you and just know all will turn out fine.

Hi N.,
I think it might be just a little normal with two young children......share this with your dr. and he can help you get over this temporary issue.
good luck and blessings

Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

Get past the first couple chapters and it will change your life. I was mad and offended until I got through the first 2!

Age old problem of married couples with kids.

Get a sitter - a friend, a family member, etc - and go out with each other. Your date night can be plain, simple and inexpensive or involved and expensive - just get out with each other.

Same scenario with regards to a sitter - and see if you can escape for a weekend here or there. Stay at a friend's beach house, take advantage of inexpensive hotel stays, etc.

Getting away with each other - without dealing with kids - can be a way of awakening the sexual desire you once felt.