Need Advice - I Just Want to Do What Is Best for My Daughter!

I agree that you should ask your daughter how she feels. She is old enough that I think she should have some say in the situation.

If you decide to not say anything to her, and keep her sisters out of her life to spare her pain...what if when she is older she finds out you kept her sisters away on purpose? She might be angry at you.

Either way, definately do not friend this woman. She will have access to alot of your personal info and pictures. Maybe just exchange e-mail addresses? No matter what you decide, I wish you and your daughter much luck :)

This is a TOUGH situation! I went through this as a child myself, although there werent other siblings involved. And sadly you may never know the right answers. Is he still with the mother of his other girls? First I would communicate with her for awhile and feel her out. How committed to this is she? I would strongly let her know that you are going to consider this, BUT you as a loving mother do not want to see your childs heartbroken, and emotions messed with. Its cruel and unfair. And as another mother, she should feel the same way. These are kids, not pawns! I think I would first continue to communicate with her, get an idea of her true intentions and kind of person she is. Dont share too much info about your daughter. Could she be "working" with your ex to get info on your daughter or to see her? Be cautious! If after "talking" with her for AWHILE you feel her intentions are pure, and that you're on the same page, THEN consider it. You are doing an excellent job protectiong your little girl, and keep doing so. Dont let someone guilt or strong arm you into something that could hurt her in the end. Go with your instincts mom, and dont rush into anything. Best of luck to you :)

I am not really sure how old your daughter is but maybe you should ask her what she thinks! Tell her your not sure what will happen but ask if she would like to see her sisters! I would contact the mother first talk to her more. Explain the situation and tell her you don't want your daughter hurt anymore. She should understand and talk to you about it. If it were me I would contact the mother again explain how I fell adn see what she says, if it sounds good on that end talk to my daughter and see if she wants to see her sisters. I however would try to explain to my daughter that this might not be a permant situation so she didn't get her hopes up, but thats just me! Good luck!

Call the other mom so you can talk this all out with her and make it clear that you like the idea but need to be sure the visits would be a regular thing so your daughter does not get hurt again. Maybe you could set up a standing date, like lunch at a local park once a month (or more or less depending on what you two moms agree upon).

My opinion is that I would just say something like: "I am interested in getting to know you and figuring out if we can be friends and have a long term relationship between the girls that will benefit all of them. That said, I am going to take this sort of conservatively with you, because I feel like her dad yanked her chain a lot in her life by coming and going, and I want to make sure that I really feel comfortable that she's not going to end up disappointed and feeling even less connected to family in the end if you and I can't make a friendship work. I appreciate your patience and understanding. Let's get to know each other a little better, you and I. (Transition into asking some questions and sharing some things about you.)"

And, of course, I would want to be there any time the girls are together to make sure nothing goes on with dad showing up or something. Those sorts of things.

But in terms of your statement that she didn't like you, a lot of ex wives don't like the idea of the next wife/girlfriend, because they're still hurting and jealous and frustrated and hating the idea of them, rather than knowing them personally at all. Often they haven't really given this actual person any sort of chance. It's possible she's finally healed enough from being left herself, that she realizes that your ex was the responsible party, and he screwed everyone equally in the end. Friendships have been founded on less than having someone who will sympathize a great deal about the ways he was a bozo. Her request may well be genuine. And in either case getting to know her better yourself will probably tell you more about whether you're okay with more relationship with the girls.

The one thing you want to be aware of is that with "friending" her on FB she will have access to more than just pictures - she will be able to read an comments made by you or any of your FB "friends". if she wants to share pictures why not either create a special FB page that only you her have access to or just e-mail pictures and comments (being very careful about what you say since you can't re-track e-mails).

good luck in your decision

I do not think you should facebook friend this woman. That is too personal for you. This is more about your daughter and her sisters. I would tell this woman your concerns, but that you do not want your daughter to miss out on knowing her sisters and you appreciate her overture. I believe this is the truth. Then, tell her you are happy she is open and hope she will understand that you need a little time to think about this.........because I believe you do.

Mull this over for a few weeks. If you would like to have a one time session with a counselor you could do that too. I think you want your daughter to know her sisters but you need a plan that you can live with. Obviously you can't control what will happen with this other woman, but you can have a plan so that you know how to present this to your daughter and how to react in certain situations. You can also take this time to figure out the limits you want to impose on this relationship/friendship. You can be very upfront with this other woman. Once you create a plan you feel good about you can move forward with less anxiety.

You have a tough situation and I applaud you for doing your best to protect your daughter while also wanting to offer her all she is due.

Best of Luck moving forward.
P.

I would really take some time to mull this over before communicating with this woman any further. That's just my opinion.
And, I wouldn't say anything about it to your daughter at all for right now either. If you are certain she will say she wants to see her sisters, definitely don't say anything to her about it just yet. Sometimes what kids want isn't always the best thing for them. Or even possible.
How long has it been since your daughter saw the other girls?
Is the woman still with your daughter's father or has he disappeared on them as well?
Could the woman possibly have motives beyond the girls all seeing each other?
Is your daughter prepared for the inevitable wondering how it came to be that she has sisters who have another mom but share a father who has never really been in her life? Kids are kids and sometimes they don't really care about any of that stuff, but it seems with all your daughter has already gone through, people popping in and out of her life without it affecting her in some way would take a lot of inner strength on her part. And a lot of work on yours. At 9, is she prepared for the worst case scenario, meaning that she may see them a couple times and not again for who knows how long?

You don't have to do anything or make any decisions right this minute.
Just think about what is truly the best thing.
My daughter was abused by her father during court ordered visitation. There was proof. He was only allowed supervised visits with her. Then, her grandparents got a hold of her and wanted her to say she lied, made it up, etc.
Anyway, I was contacted by my former sister-in-law who I knew had cancer and she said she just wanted to bring the kids to see my daughter and she had missed me and just wanted to visit.
I wasn't sure I could really trust her, but I thought that since she was so very ill, she really did just want to have some time with me and my daughter and for the cousins to see each other. She and I had been closer than my own sister and I at one time.
They came over to my house, of course my baby son was there too. We had a wonderful time. I served foods and the kids played the piano for us and we visited. She hugged me and told me how much she'd always loved me. I'd known her oldest kids since they were babies and it was so nice to see them again. We promised to stay in touch and invited than back anytime.
A month later, I was served papers wanting custody of my daughter.
My daughter's aunt and her cousins reported that they had been in my home and the entire time, my daughter BEGGED them to get her taken away from me.
It was all a set up. They preyed on my generous spirit and my not wanting the kids to grow up without being close. And, my actually believing that this woman who had cancer wanted to extend an olive branch.
The betrayal I felt was nothing compared to what my daughter felt. She was 11 and old enough to understand. Her love for any of them went right out the window. She never trusted them again. Not only didn't she ever say what they said, she felt used. One more time, that family, trying to prove that her dad never hurt her and looking her in the face and telling her they loved her while they did it.
My point in bringing this up is that some wounds don't heal. Looking back, I would have put my daughter through far less with me just being accused of not wanting her to have a relationship with her cousins if I had just said NO.

It took years of court dates and therapy to undo what happened after one time of me letting my guard down.

Just think very carefully. What are the pros and the cons of this for your daughter at this point?
My daughter is an adult and she has limited contact with her cousins. They've discussed the whole ugliness of the situation and they know it wasn't right and they know they hurt her. They've dealt with it as adults. She loves them from afar I guess you could say.

In order for your daughter to have a relationship with her sisters, you will have to have a relationship with their mother and you have to decide how much drama or how much benefit will come from it. You need to determine how much you know about this woman and whether or not you can trust her to have your daughter's best interests in mind.

How does your husband feel about it? You have a lot of things to consider before moving forward if at all.
Like I said, you don't have to do anything right this minute.

I hope you get some great responses and I wish you the best.

I understand your reluctance in this situation, but I agree, let your daughter know the way it's been and how it could be and then let her choose. I would see if you can find the sisters on facebook as well. If so, they can start talking to each other there and see how it goes. If the woman wants to try, you can always be her friend and block her on facebook later if you need too.

Don't deny your daughter something she may want and need because a person is being selfish. She is 9 and although that is young, she needs to know that things don't always turn out the way we want, for now, but that doesn't mean it has to be that way forever.

I agree if you decline the offer, and your daughter finds out someday, she may resent you for the time she lost, even though she may not get to see them anyway. At least she knows that you respected her enough to tell her what was going on and loved her enough to try if that is what she wants.

Good luck to you all. Take care.

Sigh, I'm so sorry you are going through this. The only thing I have to say is she's YOUR baby, go with YOUR gut........I'm sorry it's such icky stuff, eventually she will grow up strong and healthy and form her own opinions, for now it's up to you Mom, my thoughts are with you and her.....

I would say no to accepting her friendship, I wouldn't even message her or have contact with her since it will only bring up bad emotions. I think that it would be harder on your daughter to have these girls brought back into her life and then taken away than for her to just continue on with you and your current husband as normal. I know it is hard whatever you choose, but kids cannot understand why people choose to not be in their lives and it's up to us as mothers to protect their feelings. I will be praying for you as you make the decision to have her see those other 3 girls but I pray that you just realize the more hurt and pain it could cause your daughter to have people she loves disappear from her life again. We were in a similar situation with my husbands parents and finally decided that if they were going to not make an effort or show up then we couldn't have our daughter hurt from their lack of devotion. It was hard at first but as time goes by our daughter doesn't even know she is missing a set of grandparents since my parents make up the difference. Best wishes!!!

some use facebook as being a buisness/social tool but others go to far so please don't accept her friend request unless you don't care about what she see's or reads on face book.I would let your daughter make the decision maybe start a letter add a school picture and keep that going for a while but don't tell your daughter that she shouldn't expect letters all the time till some time passes I dopn't know how not to crush her heart but just talking to her.As for her dad I wouldn't let him come see her not at all he can send $$$ cards letters pictures but somewhere along the line the yo-yo has to be stopped.He has 3 other daughters where you an affair or these 3 were after the two of you split that can make a huge difference in why he may come and go.Best of Luck in whatever you choose for your daughter

My step daughter stopped having anything to do with her dad and stepped out of her sibs lives when they were infants. She is now 19 and in college and her sibs are 6 and 7, and we keep in touch and she comes around when she can. I have decided it is more important to have some contact since they are older. They understand busy lives, they don't get to see all of their siblings every day even b/c the high schoolers and their activities are so time consuming. So every 6 months or so we try to have a family meal (with out the dad) or we go bowling or to the zoo. It gives them a good memory of their time together and it makes it feel better when they are apart. They don't even remember when she wasn't in their lives, b/c the good memories drown the absent ones out.

Your 9 year old will have had lots of experiences learning about other family lives through her friends. Let her get in contact but if she says she isn't interested don't bring it up again until she does. I would keep in touch with the other mother though maybe not on facebook. Email would be plenty.

Good luck and I wish for you a good experience.

You better follow your gut instinct. If you do befriend this woman make it a contract. Ask her how often your daughter can see her sisters, and how long she hopes for them to be friends.Talk to an attorney to see what you should say. It could be harmless or not. Some of the things in the contract should be how often she gets to see her sisters. If she agrees in writing (through Facebook messages, for example), you have legal evidence. You can file or just threaten to take her to court for breach of contract.

My husband only met his biological father twice in his life. He does not know if he has siblings. He just wants to know that side of his family, but does not even know how to contact them.

I would talk to my daughter and check and see what she wants. If she wants to see her sisters again, knowing that there is a good chance that it will be another yo-yo, let her. She is old enough now that she can remember what happened, and she can anticipate what might happen. Ask her what she thinks. I think that no matter what decision you make as a family, she needs to be involved and be heard. And as hard as it is on you, it will be harder on her. The question is, are you trying to help her avoid a potential heartbreak or are you trying to help avoid having to see her heart broken?

Well i have a similar situation with my 16 yr old daughter. She has 2 older brothers from her dad and his first girlfriend. Anyway, i tried by inviting her and the kids to my daughters birthday parties etc..etc.. (this is when me and the dad were no longer together as well) At first she was all for it and then backed out. So needless to say after trying a few times, i stopped trying. At that time my daughter was only 5-6 yrs old. So she at that point did not understand. As she got older, she knew she had brothers and wanted to get in touch with them. So around the age of 13/14 i began the search for them since i had learned they moved. I eventually found them in conneticut. The mom still didnt want them to have any contact because she said my daughter is their past and will stay that way (she was a very ignorant woman, and their dad never had contact with them, so she didnt want them to have contact with my daughter either). But anyway, the boys were old enough to make their own decisions they were 15 and 16 now. So they have been in contact via myspace and texting, but thats it and it has been very minimal. Their dad died when my daughter was 4 yrs old. I believe the reason they dont really talk now is because they never had any contact when they were younger. If your daughter wants to see them i would be-friend this woman and begin talking about what the arrangement is going to be. Make it known that you are worried etc..etc.. But i would not stop her from seeing her sisters JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE A *&^%$ FOR A DAD!! It is not their fault. I know you want to protect your daughter from being hurt, but was it them that hurt her before?? And if you decide to not allow it, than when your daughter gets older she is going to know that you didn't allow them to see each other and she is going to ask WHY?? Why didn't you at least try? Again, i would be-friend her, talk with her, meet with her and see where things go. At least you can say you tried. You's can start by getting together once a week, together, at a park or something. Or for lunch etc..etc.. And then as time progresses and things are going good, then you can do sleepovers etc.. Let these girls have a chance at being sisters, it is the best bond besides a mother/daughter bond! Good luck!!

I have several perspectives on this. First I agree with Bonnie S, she M. very well blame you later if she can't see her half siblings. Also if you handle this right you and she will have a whole other way to connect, speaking about her feelings when she encounter's this other family. Remember these are her relatives too, she M. feel something is wrong with her if she's unable to see them, if you let her see them and something happens, she will only appreciate you more and see for herself why she M. not need to see them. Just make sure she's safe.
I have two daughters with extended family situations like this, my oldest granddaughter was in this same situation with her dad (she's 9) her dad came into her life two years ago as far as she can remember, she knew her half siblings, her dad just never bothered with her. My daughter has always made sure that her half siblings were in her life, in fact she is pretty good friends with the mother's of all her kids half siblings (My daughter has a very long story herself), the kids have sleep overs, go to birthday's, etc. My other daughter is raising her step-daughter's and they are beginning to see that the other family is not so desirable, on their own they have decided this, yes I'm sure this has hurt them, but they go to their step-mom and see that she has only done what is right. They have been allowed to come to this decision on their own without any bad talk about their other family.
Within the past 5 years my family has reconnected with a lost branch of our family. Someone was doing a Tree and found that after my grandmothers dad divorced her mother he moved and had 12 other kids!! We knew he had another family, but not the extent, we also found that the other kid's didn't know he had ever married before. It was sad for all of us that my grandmother didn't reconnect with her dad or know any of these lovely people that we've met. They now come to our family reunions and try to fill us in on some of their stories. I'd hate to think that any of my kids would miss out on some of the relationships they could have.
My advice is to get in touch, by email, not Facebook and share pictures by posting them to a site like Walmart or Walgreens, you can make a site that each of you know the login information and both sides can post pictures and any good ones they can order themselves. I hope you make the right decision for you daughter, good luck.

Updated

I have several perspectives on this. First I agree with Bonnie S, she M. very well blame you later if she can't see her half siblings. Also if you handle this right you and she will have a whole other way to connect, speaking about her feelings when she encounter's this other family. Remember these are her relatives too, she M. feel something is wrong with her if she's unable to see them, if you let her see them and something happens, she will only appreciate you more and see for herself why she M. not need to see them. Just make sure she's safe.
I have two daughters with extended family situations like this, my oldest granddaughter was in this same situation with her dad (she's 9) her dad came into her life two years ago as far as she can remember, she knew her half siblings, her dad just never bothered with her. My daughter has always made sure that her half siblings were in her life, in fact she is pretty good friends with the mother's of all her kids half siblings (My daughter has a very long story herself), the kids have sleep overs, go to birthday's, etc. My other daughter is raising her step-daughter's and they are beginning to see that the other family is not so desirable, on their own they have decided this, yes I'm sure this has hurt them, but they go to their step-mom and see that she has only done what is right. They have been allowed to come to this decision on their own without any bad talk about their other family.
Within the past 5 years my family has reconnected with a lost branch of our family. Someone was doing a Tree and found that after my grandmothers dad divorced her mother he moved and had 12 other kids!! We knew he had another family, but not the extent, we also found that the other kid's didn't know he had ever married before. It was sad for all of us that my grandmother didn't reconnect with her dad or know any of these lovely people that we've met. They now come to our family reunions and try to fill us in on some of their stories. I'd hate to think that any of my kids would miss out on some of the relationships they could have.
My advice is to get in touch, by email, not Facebook and share pictures by posting them to a site like Walmart or Walgreens, you can make a site that each of you know the login information and both sides can post pictures and any good ones they can order themselves. I hope you make the right decision for you daughter, good luck.

I agree with Ashley. Speak with your daughter. You know your daughter best. If you think she can understand the situation and the possibilities good or bad, than she needs to have a say in this.

Theses are her relatives. Eventually whether she has them in her life now or later, it will always be a possibility that this will come up over and over. At this age, at least you will be there to guide her and help facilitate the situation or to comfort her if it does not work out.

I know our daughter was very mature at 9. When I would speak with her about important adult subjects, she was very attentive and very thoughtful about her considerations.

Follow your mommy heart and brain. It will help guide you.
FYI, I would not "friend this women, but continue contact through just messaging using facebook.

Do not accept! She might have other intentions (like someone else pointed out, she'll have more than just access to your pictures) and in order for you to accept her she's using the "sisters card" Not Cool! If you knew she didn't like you, then that would be a flag for me. Spare your daughter of anymore confusion and emotional pain. Let her live her childhood with happiness and when she's around 16-18 see if she mentions even wanting to be in contact with her sisters. I really wanted to say go for it, but if the dad was such a creep the outcome is never good. Follow your heart and gut and you will make the best decision!

I would not accept her on facebook as she can see all your info. then I would exchange e-mail addresses instead and be in contact that way.

We have a similar situation with our grand daughter, and my great niece grew up like this. It is worse to keep your daughter from her sisters and her father. She will grow up and turn on you, believing you are the reason she did not have them in her life. As hurtful as it is, this is the life that has been handed to her, and they are her family. Be there to comfort her when it is needed, but in the mean time, allow her to find out for herself, who is the real "flake". It is much better for her now and in the long run. Before she is much older, she will decide for herself that she has had enough, and will put a stop to her father, though she may always want her sisters. They are just as innocent in this as she is.
Not too comfortable with the Facebook thing. There are other ways to share pictures and get the kids together. Like telephone, and the US mail.