Niece Not Allowed to See Grandpa

I think for the sake of EVERYONE....you ALL need to sit down and work this out. What if something happens to him? Or the child? Why is she making the child suffer for her differences?? Use a legal mediator if you have to. What kinds of things are you teaching the children? The adult doesn't seem to be thinking about this. Is THAT the way they want them to learn to handle differences?? NOT a good idea!

I wasn't going to respond until I read the advice given you. I also see both sides, but disagree with Cheryl, I think that being around people that have different morals can be good for kids. It teaches them that even though we may disagree with a persons actions, we can still love them because they ARE family. I had to be openminded because my oldest sons biological father finally decided he wanted to be a father when my son was 6-he had visitation rights, so what could I do-and his morals were definitely different from mine.

The world is made up of people who don't think the way I do, and I feel it would be a terrible disservice to my children to teach them that if someone does something I don't like, I can just pretend they don't exist! That's not even reality! I hope there aren't any grocery store trips planned, because that store is sure to be full of people who MAY have different morals.

I do agree with cheryl about not forcing my kids come in physical contact with people they don't want to, but to me that's completely different.

Very long-winded, and not really even advice!
I guess all I can say is this:continue to invite them both, it is their decision to come or not. If your sister comes and starts making a big deal, then lay down the whole my house/my rules thing (it is YOUR house, not sisters after all.) My favorite house rule is: 'if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all'--it just may work :)

Wow, you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. It sounds like you're doing the right thing. Continue to invite them both. If one or the other chooses not to show up, that's on them. If they both plan on attending, tell both of them that you expect them to behave like adults. If they cause a scene, they will be asked to leave. I know, easier said than done. I don't know that it's necessary to go into detail about the situation to any of your kids. You could just tell them that aunt X and grandpa don't always get along. Sometimes people don't always get along. It's just the way things are. They may not even notice. I wish you the best of luck. It's so hard to be caught in the middle of family drama.

Sounds like you are handling it well. Continue to invite all and the ones who do not come will hopefully find another time to visit. Give neutral answers to questions from your kids- like "I don't know, maybe you can ask her the next time you see her". Then your sister will have to explain to your children why she wasn't there. She may change her mind later.

Have your family get-togethers.
Invite your father.
If your sister etc. does not want to come that is her choice.
It sounds as though she is already distancing herself and her family from the rest of the family.
I would be polite to her on the occasions when you do see her and not make a big deal out of her decisions.
The children involved do NOT need to see or hear any "scenes".
Just tell them that Aunt and Uncle etc. cannot come.
You do not have to explain why.

Your sister sounds like she is younger than you and needs to mature a little. Your father has his own life and she needs to respect that. You and your siblings don't run everything by him nor should you have too. In the end the only one she is hurting is your neice and as hard as it is just let her be. What goes around comes around and not to sound harsh but its not your place. It is hard to watch someone you care about get hurt just be there with your children for him and she will realize what she's doing; eventually. Don't feel bad if she doesn't show for parties you sound like a good mother and your children will have fun with or w/o them there. My mother remarried when I was 9 and to this day if someone doesn't show (which they all learned I wouldn't pick & choose)that's to bad. I have a family of my own and they are my life, all I can do is hope for the best. S. - mother of 3 (& 1 on the way)

A.,

I can empathize with you on this situation. I was in a similar situation but it was me as the Grammy and living with
a man until we got married a year ago. My oldest daughter wouldnt come around..buttt...she didnt keep her kids from me. I would go to her house or meet her somewhere without my boyfriend. That lasted about a year, then she came to terms and the day before we got married she and her family came to the dinner we invited immediate family to. Since that day, it has been wonderful. Maybe in a round about way you could suggest this to your sister, meeting with grandpa away from his or her house... for dinner...playground time..etc. That could open the door to communication and she could get her feelings out to him and him to her. Not saying you should get involved..but just a suggestion to her. My now husband...his daughter had issues with us also. That lasted about 6 months...and now she comes over almost every other weekend. So everything has turned out to be unbelievably great. Your sister just has to remember...dad is dad and your sister is who she is. But dont stop inviting both sides to your events. I know its heart rendering to see and try to understand. Keep the faith and things will work out.

Sometimes family members can be real stinkers!! I've gone through the same situation somewhat. Here's my advice and hopefully it will finally bring some peace to you.

When I was growing up I had a father who didn't really take an interest in my life or my siblings. We saw him every other weekend because he paid child support. He would drop us off at our Aunt's on Friday night and then pick us up Sunday morning. He wasn't a very nice man especially when he was mad or drunk. As we turned into adult's he began to see the error of his ways. He tried everything he could possibly do to make up for it. It was hard for the first few years to forgive the things he had done when we were children. Then he met someone on the computer. He left his wife of 15 years and his entire family to be with this woman he met online. My younger brother decided he wasn't going to give him the time of day. After 9 months of moving to a different state he came home for Christmas and never went back to the woman he secretly married 2 weeks after leaving his life to be with her. My brother was still so upset with him for leaving that he distanced himself from the family when my father was around. He kept his son away from my father and if he showed up somewhere my dad was he just turned around and left. It was like that for almost a year. Then we found out the reason my father came home. He was diagnosed with a brain tumor and wanted to be with his family for whatever time he had left. By the time he let anyone know how bad things were he was already in the hospital. He lived for almost five months and then slipped into a coma for the remaining 2 he was on this earth. My brother still has a hard time living with the fact that a year was wasted with our father because of the decisions he made to distance himself and it will be going on 5 years this July that we lost my father.

So my advice to you would be to try to explain that your father isn't perfect. But then again who is? We all have our faults but they are our faults to have and not be judged. You should not have to feel like you owe it to either you sister or your father to take sides. Life is short and when someone is gone you'll never be able to say I'm sorry for the way I was. I miss my father everyday and I am so grateful he asked for a second chance. He became my best friend and I wouldn't have traded that for anything else in the world.

I hope by sharing my story you get something helpful out of it. Good luck on your journey through this tough time and maybe your sister will come around and for give your father for not being perfect.

I actually have a very similar situation. I have three siblings and divorced parents. One of my brothers will not associate with our dad and my sister will not associate with our mother. I am still in contact with all my siblings and both my parents. I explained to my brothers and sister that I will continue to invite all of them to holidays and family events and it is their choice to attend or not. I have also told them all how much it hurts me and my children that they cannot put aside their differences for one day. It has managed to work out over the last three years. I hold a sibling dinner at my house for Christmas the week before the holiday and then see my parents on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
Don't give up hope. I talked to my brother yesterday and he told me that he saw my dad over the weekend and they exchanged phone numbers so that they can meet up and talk. Family will always return home. Best of luck to you.

Been there, done that. Hi...I have 4 sisters and we grew up with a father who sounds very similar to your own. As of 6 months ago, he is on wife number 3....and all of th "wives" have taken precendense in his life over us. But he tries in his own way to be a part of his grandkids lives....

I am the oldest...and I have seen each sister (including myself wrestle with anger and go through periods of not speaking to my dad). If I were you...I would support your sisters decision....by just listening and allowing her to make what decisions she feels most comfortable with. Invite who you want to the b-day parties and make sure they understand that you would love to see them both....but that you understand if they choose to not be in each others presence....I have been able to keep the peace for the most part over the years....but to be honest my relationships with my sisters are more important to me .....we got each other through very tough times....and that kind of loyalty and friendship you cant buy.

Good luck

I am not in the same situation, but kind of similar. My husband's mother and father were pretty bad to him growing up. They were abusive and neglectful. As an adult he has really tried to get them involved in his life, forget the past. And especially since our 4 1/2 month old son was born. They seemed to really care when I was pregnant, but they have only seen him twice since he was born. They only live 2 hours away and neither have been working since he was born. He told me the other day that he was over it and not to send them pictures of our son anymore since they dont' seem to care at all. But I don't want to have any guilt that they were involved because of anything I did or didn't do. If they aren't going to be around the weight of that will be on their shoulders, not mine. I guess what I'm saying is your sister is making a choice to not be around your dad and later down the road she will have to deal with that. Once your dad is gone you will not want the guilt that you didn't try to keep him involved. And your sister needs to, no offense, grow up and realize this isn't about her. This is about your kids. That's part of being a parent. You set aside your feelings to do what's best for your child. I'd love to tell my husband's parents to take a flying leap, but my son deserves his grandparents. He deserves to believe they're wonderful, even if they aren't. You need to do whatever is best for your kids and your conscience. Whatever you do decide don't let anyone give you any grief. Good luck.

I'm sure this is frustrating, but at the same time you don't have to let it be frustrating to you. You are doing your part to invite and be a part of your families' lives. It's sad, but sometimes you have to know when to simply back off and let other people (family or not)deal with their own issues. Those who do not want to be a part of what you plan-it's their loss not yours. You only get one shot at this-enjoy your life. Step outside the box and look at this situation: You cannot fix everything. Don't make this your problem.

I would invite them both to the party and explain to your sister that although you understand her negative feelings and you respect them, he is still your father and you wouldn't feel right not inviting him. Explain that if she does come, your only request of her would be to put aside her anger for the sake of the children and be civil toward your father. That day should be about the kids, not the grown ups.

A., I see both sides to this, but I agree with your sister. As a parent I simply can't condone being around people whose values are not of my own. It's the same thinking that some people do not like unmarried couples sleeping together in there house. My house/family my rules. It is hard to explain to a child that just because he is grandpa we are around something we normally might not be. Forcing a relationship on a child is the first step to teaching them that you disregard the rules because they are family/adults whatever. An oversimplified example I like is making my girls kiss their uncle/grandma/family whoever goodbye. I don't make them do it. It teaches them to ignore their natural reaction and proves that personal space is ok to violate in the name of family/adulthood whatever. Nope. Sorry, I just agree with her based on your info.

We are in a similar situation with my family, but it is me that doesn't agree with what is going on. It is hard to say whether it is a moral issue or just anger for your sister, we are not her. For me it is a moral issue. I do let my son see his grandmother, but we explain to him that her way of living is not right and the man she is with is not his grandfather. The best thing oyu can do is invite them and if they both come, explain to your sister that this is your child's birthday and ask her to please respect that. And growing up there was lots of things that went on that myself or siblings didn't know about. If everyone can be pleasant at the parties there is no reason for oyur children to know, it will only add stress to thier lives.

First of all, if you invite them both to the party and your sister chooses not to come, it is not you who is choosing between them. It is her choice. If there was an issue with one of my parents that caused us to keep our distance, then my children would not see them during that time. I agree with your sister's choice in that, although I don't necessarily think that not talking to your father because she disapproves of a decision he has made is serving any purpose. I hope that your sister changes her mind and makes a more mature choice, but I don't think that there is anything within your power to change this. It is a boundary issue that really has nothing to do with you. It isn't your job to fix it. It is her job.

It's difficult when family members are not forgiving of childhood hurts. Your sister is hurt because your Dad was not an active part of your childhood and does not seem to care about how his present living condition will affect his grandchildren. If we lived in a perfect world, all grandparents would be the best role models possible for their children, however, many try to rectify the mistakes they made with their own children through their grandchildren. Prayerfully, you can set up a family meeting with all the adults involved to express what has caused such unforgiving actions. If this is not a feasible solution, you will have to have separate celebrations for "grandpa" than the rest of the family. This will give your children a "special" connection with him and eleviate any hostility with the rest of the family. Believe me, it can be done. I am praying for the situation to have a happy ending.

A concerned Grandparent

I am in a similar situation, although I would be in the position of your sister. The way my sister and I have dealt with the issue of certain family members that I would prefer my children not be around is this:

My sister respects my feelings and lets me know when she has invited this person to family functions so that I can make a decision of whether or not to attend (I have thus far chosen not to attend). I tell her how much I appreciate her letting me know, and in return respect her right to invite whomever she wishes to family functions at her home.

Since this issue is between your sister and your father, trying to make them be at the same function will only bring trouble onto you. While it sounds like you would like to see them reconciled, the best way to help them toward this goal is to start with trying to understand both sides without forming any judgments. It sounds very much like your sister is not willing to allow her daughter to be exposed to an adulterous situation, which is commendable as we tolerate far too much nowadays. As long as you explain who you've invited, let her know that you would also like her to attend but that you respect her decisions on raising her daughter and ask that if she chooses to attend that she respect your other guests by not making a big deal, your part is done. You are not responsible for either your father's behavior or your sister's, merely how you respond to each of them.

Hope this helps!

I would invite them both. If your sister chooses not to be involved with your father, then it is her decision, and you should respect that. If the children ask, you can say you aren't sure why your neice isn't there. Just like you want your kids to know their grandfather and make their own decision, you should do that with your sister as well. I understand not wanting to get in the middle. But, you have a choice as well even if you don't agree with your sister.

When we've come up against this, I have said, please don't put me/us in the middle. I would be honest with your sister when she asks if he'll be there and just leave it at that. Don't try to explain to anyone FOR your sister....or you father for that matter. Just say, you'll have to ask him/her.

Hope this helps. ANd, have a great party!

I think I'd probably make it clear to both parties that I expect adult behaviour at the birthday party and that, if each is incapable of doing so, they are welcome to stay home.

just continue to invite them both. it sounds like your sister has some issues to work out with your dad and i would stay out of it, that's between them. you'll just stress yourself out if you try to get involved in a situation you have no control over. it's a shame your niece can't see her grandpa over petty things but your sister has made that decision and there is nothing to be done until they work it out.