Need Advice About One of My Friends

I was swaying back and forth reading this. On the one hand she is not obligated to say or do anything for your birthday. Since it's something you have both acknowledged in the past I wonder. Did she not put a reminder on the calendar or is she mad? Do you want to keep this relationship or can you do without it? If you keep ignoring her and are okay with it maybe it's time to move on. Friends come and go. If the pros outweight the cons then forgive and forget. It might be a good idea to lay things out just so you get it off your chest but you might make her defensive. Yea, the whole complaining about BF is something I don't get. You can only handle so much before you just want to have space. It sounds like you have been hurt and she doesn't even realize it. Maybe she's hurt too. Have a heart to heart and let her know how important you value her friendship if you desire to maintain the friendship. Oh, she only works twice a week and she doesn't have time? I will soon be home FT and I'm not sure if I'll know how to spend my days with my kids. I guess each person is different, but I work M-F 8 hours a day, we have our three year old in three evening classes, and put on my bible study class and I feel like I don't have time.

I would be completely upfront with her. Explain that she forgot your birthday and how it upset you. Another option is to talk about your birthday and maybe she will show remorse on her own.

To me, she may not be the most caring friend. You may want to keep looking for a friend that meets your needs. Birthdays are very important and she should "want" to celebrate with you and your family.

As far as the breastfeeding...she may want to keep doing it because she knows how healthy it is...and she may be tired of doing it. If you are sick of hearing her complain, then change the subject when she talks about it.

A friend is someone who is supportive and who loves you. She doesn't sound like a friend to me. If she's important enough to you, than you should try talking to her. But you should also ask yourself if this friendship is a mutual give and take between the two of you, or if it is all you giving and her taking.

I had a "friend" who doesn't have kids, but once I had them, she quit inviting me places, calling me, or really talking to me at all. But we are friends from high school so I've known her over 20 years so I figured I should try. The final straw was when I met her and another friend for happy hour to celebrate her birthday a couple of years ago and the two of them spent the entire time talking about the party they were going to later... a party I was never invited to. There was even an awkward moment with my other friend realized what they were doing and tried to extend a half-ass invite to the party.

You can only try so hard before you have to realize it just isn't worth it. In reality, I'd rather spend time with my kids than go to any happy hour or party anyway.

So you have to decide if you're just mad and being over-reactive over the birthday episode, or if this is actually a response to many incidences where your "friend" hasn't been much of a friend. Only you know the answer to that.

Life is too short to waste any of it on people who don't deserve it.

How strange we have a similar situation! My very best friend missed my 30th birthday- no call, no card- nothing. Then, she called the next day and I'm thinking- "oh gee, I was so offended and she simply spaced it off" during the phone call, she proceded to not only NOT wish me a happy birthday, but rather tell me about the birthday party she was planning for her boyfriend and the video camera she was getting him! It really hurt my feelings at the time. I know I didn't do much for her 30th birthday (which was 3 months before mine)- but money was tight and I couldn't afford much- but I did make her a double batch of my best chocolate chunk cookies and arranged them in the really nice gift box. Anyway, now she is engaged and rarely calls, and if she does, the call is all about her and what she is doing etc. etc.
So, here's what I have chosen to do for the time being:
She is my best friend and any time I've ever really needed her (e.g. miscarriage, death of family) she is always there. Right now, I'm very wrapped up in being a Mom and she is very wrapped up in being in love and planning a wedding. I know that back in high school when I met my boyfriend (now husband) she had to put up with a lot of me choosing him over her. And I guess it's just my turn to take the back burner. I really have to work to see where she is coming from and I'd be lying if I didn't admit it still gets under my skin some days. But I know in my heart, she is not trying to be hurtful, she is just very excited that she finally has the life she's always wanted and eager to share those details with me. And I'm very happy for her. Our friendship has changed and gone to a different level, it's not better or worse- it is what it is and I know she will always be there when I really need her and vice versa.
As for your friend's complaining- is she really asking for your advice or is she just venting her frustrations to you? If she is just venting, as a friend, I feel it is my place to sit there and let her vent because she would do the same for me. Now, if you don't feel she reciprocates, then, maybe you two should talk about it. As for the not being honest with why she doesn't show up to parties, I would ask myself- am I ready for her to be truthful with me? If so, then let her know that you'd rather hear the truth than for her to make up an excuse. And you have to be honest with her when something hurts your feelings. If over time, you feel she is hurting you more than helping, then you might want to re-evaluate your friendship. Having kids changes everything and some people can juggle that easier than others- maybe you both are focusing your efforts on something else and your friendship can't be what it used to be. I would attempt to let it grow and evolve before walking away from it.
Good luck!

Hi A.
Is it possiable your friend is suffering from depression? Is she haveing a hard time being a new mom. She may feel like you are a better mom because your daughter sleeps well and her son doesn't. It sounds to me like you still want to be friends or you would not ask for advice.I would call her and just ask some questions like how do you like being at home? or maybe you could say something like I am really struggling with ___ this as a mom what do you think. this will give you a good idea about wether she is depressed or not. If you think she is not depressed then you should just have a good heart to heart with her. If you think she may be depressed then you may want to have talk with her about getting some help with that she can be the best person she can be. Good Luck :) T.

Dear A.,
Fusturated? "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold." Forget for a moment about her not being such a good friend lately and remember what a good friend you are! Reach out to her, but take baby steps. If the two of you havent been talking ~everyday~ like you have in the past, I would suggest keeping your phone conversations short. Call her and say "Hey, I cant talk for very long because I'm in the middle of fixing lunch, but I wanted to check in and say hi and see how you are doing." That way, if she starts complaining about something that annoys you, you can politly inturrupt her and end the conversation by stating that "Well, hey hang in there, I said I couldnt talk very long and I have to get back to fixing lunch but, I'm glad to know your okay." I do it to my friends ALL the time! Events that happen in a person's life often changes the relationship of friendship and by you recognizing and accepting that, you will be better equipt to keep your friendship rolling through the changes. Eventually, she will come around and you will be happy that you handled things tactfully. Never give up on a friendship. In the future, when planning birthday parties and such where you expect her to participate, learn to expect less. Hopefully your feelings wont be so hurt if your already expecting her to make an excuse for an early departure based, on her past actions. Although it is upsetting, not pressing the issue would be the best way to handle it. Be the best friend that YOU can be... Sound's like she is still adjusting to becoming a new parent and those short but sweet phone calls to let her know your thinking of her probably mean more to her then you know.
C. M.

Friend mean till the end that is why it is spelled that way, maybe you should tell her what is bothering you about your friendship or just write it off as a phase she is going thur.

Just be honest with her. Maybe she is having a hard time being a first time mother and she needs your support but doesn't know how to ask. Maybe her complaining is really a way to ask for help. Or maybe she just isn't a good friend at all and you should let her know that. Its not always easy to do but its better than never speaking to someone again over a bunch of little things that will turn out to be big things if you let them.

I too am going through the same thing with my "best friend". I did tell her how I felt about it and she was very defensive. We don't talk much now and I like it better that way. I was getting to irritated with her when we would talk. I do miss her but I don't miss feeling bad every time I talked to her. I think we are just at different points in our lives and maybe in a few years we will come back together and be friends again. I am trying to accept her for who she is (judgemental and a know it all) and hope she accepts me for who I am. That's all I can do. I know it's hard, but you may have to "write her off" for now, for the well being of you and your daughter.

I think you have 3 choices. 1, put some distance between you and she because it sounds like you are just growing apart anyway. It may just be the natural transition of growing older. 2, You could accept her phone calls and discuss the differences you two are having in your relationship, and see where things go. Or 3, you could accept her phone calls and pick up as if nothing ever happened, of which I think there is too much baggage there to just forgive and forget easily.

So, I'd go with 1 or 2. If you choose option 1, just let things go a bit and accept her as the type of friend she is now and stop looking for the person she used to be. People change, and sometimes, not for the better. It's ok if people grow apart. And as far as the Godparent role she has, it's just one of those things. I haven't seen my Godparents since I was like 2 and I don't think it affected me negatively.

If you choose Option 2, be prepared for an arguement or the possible breakdown of the relationship because if you're harboring ill feelings for her, chances are, she's harboring some ill feelings for you too, which may explain her taking small shots at you when she can...like the breastfeeding thing, etc. If you go into it with true sincerity, you might be able to have a discussion to open up the path of communication.

Either way, I think you have to do something about it. Everytime she calls, or you think about her, you're hurting yourself because all of those negative feelings rush back. Get rid of the negativity somehow, even if it means distancing yourself a bit.

Good luck.