Advice on Friend

Unfortunately a friendship cannot be one sided. It is like a bank account that has to get deposits in order to withdraw otherwise it is overdrawn. A friendship has to benefit both parties and each party has to put the other person first otherwise it will never last. I say if she isn't going to change you will have to let go and find a true friend.

Hi E.,

I resemble your friend! My own best friend since pre kindergarten days ended our friendship when we were 37 and 38 years old. She suddenly stopped returning my phone calls. (we didn't talk often, maybe twice a year). It killed me because I didn't know why. I ran into her with her parents one day and just seeing them all made me feel as if I'd been punched in the stomach. These people were surrogate family to me and were no longer in my life. Ouch! Anyway, I emailed her to tell her how much I missed her and our friendship and she responded that she felt we'd just grown too much apart and had nothing in common any more. I was angry, and still am to a degree. I always felt our relationship was two way but maybe she didn't see it that way. Guess I'll never know. I do know that I have wonderful friends now that love and support me and and honest with me. I have moved on for the most part. Maybe you do have to completely cut ties with her regardless if you feel wrong or not. Either way, boundaries need to be set because you are being used, either purposely or inadvertently. I feel badly for you because I can only imagine the pain you have been going through for years that has finally led you to this point to feel like you have to make a huge decision about her. You've gotten some good advice from a lot of wise women, now here's my two cents. I believe that when you allow someone to use you to deny or ignore her own personal responsibility, that person is not able to fully grow and develop as God has intended. Maybe the time is right to let her go. Worst case scenario is she'll be angry and bitter. Best case scenario is she'll do some soul searching, find other friends and potentially realize what a boob she has been. Don't let people tell you that it can't happen because it can. I'm a much better friend now that people having either lovingly expressed their frustrations with me or have let me go. I've grown and I hope she can too.

Best of luck! I'm praying for you.

A.

Friendships change. If you are one of a few friends this person has that should be a wake up call for her. If this person is bringing you down and it is all about her, is this really a friendship? Any relationship takes two people.

If it was me, I would not answer the phone when she calls, nor return calls, emails etc. This may give her a wake up call. But life is about being happy and giving and she is not that kind of person.

It is tough to break long ties with people, but she is bringing you down. None of us need to be around people like that. Sounds like you have done all that you could. Feel good about your life and let her deal with what she has to deal with.

M.

Sometimes God puts people in our lives for a season, and we tend to try to hold on to them for a lifetime. When God puts a person in your life evaluate the relationship and aks God how can you be a blessing to that person. It sounds like your season is up. For you to feel the way you feel about your best fried, it's obvious that you need to back up. Don't allow your expectations to cause you to bad mouth them or tell their business. Just pray that God will give them wisdom and how to be good stewards with their finances. Oftentimes we see people with money, and a poverty mentality so they spend as if it is no tomorrow. You just have to pray for them and not allow them to upset you. We can not change people, but we can pray that God will develop their character.

E.,

I too have a dear friend like you are describing that whenever I talk to her I get an earful of her problems about her ex, current beau and problems with her kids. We are neighbors and became friends soon after I moved into the neighborhood. I think of her as my best friend also but because of her unknowing habit of focusing on herself constantly I do not call or see her as much as I used too. When I do see her it's usually a full hour of catching up on HER life crises. When she does ask me how things are going she won't finish through listening to me like I have just listened to her. This is a very selfish trait that I don't think these people are aware they have. They are just so starved for someone to listen to them because they have very unhappy lives and no one else to vent to. Obviously you can't hep her with her financial problems, she doesn't want your opinion and more or less told you so. She just wants your ear, which is driving you to frustration. I don't think you have to end the relationship but try putting some distanct between you and her. When you do talk to her and the converstion comes around to these problems you can just listen quietly and not comment at all or choose that time to end the conversation altogether. I once read that a good friend is someone who you haven't seen in many years but can pick up right where you left off. So even if you distance yourself from her a little bit you don't have to end the relationship. Then catching up might be more general and not so personal as a close relationship tends to become.

Good luck,
S.

Hi E.,

You just might be the only sounding board this "friend" has left. Yes, I would certainly taper my time I spend with her, but leave the door open. Never shut it completely. I've used this philosophy throughout life and I'm so glad I did.

In today's culture, I've heard a lot of people say things like, "I'm done with you!" or "as far as I'm concerned you are out of my life".

These are searing statements meant to sever relationships, but certainly not very mature, or Christlike in any way. As far as friends go, the Bible tells us "a friend loveth at all times" Prov. 17:17. That's true friendship.

Obviously, your friendship has lasted many years, or you wouldn't care at all about her. So, it does mean something to you.

As hard as it is to do, you do need to tactfully be honest with her on issues you disagree with strongly. Don't allow her to think you agree with all she does. There is a verse I love that is very profound, "speaking the truth, in love..." in Eph 4:15. We should stand up for truth, but it is very important that we remember that second part, "in love".

As some have said, and as you have said yourself, it sounds like there is a major crisis going on in her life right now. Her financial world is crumbling all around her. That's rough for anyone to go through. This same thing has happened to us, and too many of our close friends in this depressed economy we're in right now. Yes, they've made wrong financial choices, most of us have at one time or another. She'll see that too, if not now, but one day.

By all means advise them to get some good debt couseling. InCharge Debt Soulutions is free & very helpful.

The bottom line is, she needs a friend, or friends who will be there as she goes through this, encouraging, offering hope, prayers, advice, and most of all, a listening ear.

Should you offer any financial help or other lifeline? Absolutely not, she needs to do that herself. It's all part of her growing process.

I hope this helps...

Wow you've been friends since you where 5 and put up with her for 39 years and now you want to end the friendship.... I think there is more to the story personally. Even though she is not making the right choices, are you envious of what she has or the life style that she leads? I'm just playing devils advocate here. I have a friend who is very similar to your description and she has annoyed me over the years and in adult hood I have been very envious of her lifestyle. But I really had to work at looking at my own life and concentrating on it and not her. Now I am happy for whatever she has, wherever she goes, etc... But I am very happy with my own life. I noticed along the friendship road that I put in most of the effort, calling,making dates to get together, doing all of the inviting. I got tired of it so I out and out told her and let her know it was going to stop. Which it did. I told her if she wanted to continue the friendship the ball was in her court now. So I basically go on with my life and have contact with her when she initiates it. It's worked out well. She obviously cares about the friendship because she is making the effort. So I suggest that you do the same. Talk to your friend and tell her point blank how you feel and then step back, let her work on the friendship and see if she puts any effort forth in regards to what you told her, if not just stay stepped back and if the friendship fizzles it fizzles, but I wouldn't shut the door on a friendship of 39 years. I just got back a friend who I haven't talked to in 10 years.
We still disagree on what happened 10 years ago, but it's nice to have left the door open and to have her back in my life.
Good Luck,
J. in Macomb :)

E.,
Either you find reasons for avoiding her or you level with her. But be compassionate. You value her friendship but lately she's a downer and it brings you down. And ask, maybe, wby she needs to use you as a sounding board all the time, not listen to possible solutions, but go on and on about herself. Did she even ask how you're doing, or how's the family? I mean she should at least do that.

You could always fake falling asleep when she goes on and on. Maybe subtle hints would say something.

Or put a time limit on her tirades. Get together over a very strong coffee, tell her she has 10 minutes to get it off her chest, after that either it's your turn or leave. If you opt for having equal time, pose this very question to her in a hypothetical way. "I have a friend who goes on and on, doesn't listen, isn't as bad off as it sounds, and I'm wondering what to do" then see what she'd advise you. So next time she talks your ear off, take her advice and say that you're following her advice.
HELLO! wake up call!

Ahhh yes, I have one of those friends and ultimatley the decision has to be yours. You have to decide weather the friendship is stronger than the trials. If there are more bad times than good, and if you dont geel she would do the same for you then I would cut my losses. If it periodic and shed be there for you tough times I may deal with it... weigh you options and good luck.

You are right, your friend is unbearable. I am very like you...I am easy-going and laid back, I can be friends with almost anyone, becasue I am not a demanding person. Several years ago I had an awakening (and awakenings are almost always a dramatic/painful thing)--I felt used and angry at those people around me who had treated our relationships so poorly--me so poorly!
I realized that I had ALLOWED them to use me that way. yes they were wrong to be so self-centered...BUT I had LET them stay self-centered. I had not demanded the respect I deserved. I was too worried about their feelings, their problems. I was too dependeant on their insane acceptance.
I should have been honest."what you are doing is not fair/respectful/is affecting me negatively...so unless it changes I can't handle your behaviour in my life"--I didn't have to judge these people as "bad" so set boundaries for a good life for me. But I couldn't control their response to me suddenly decideing to get heathier emotionally. I had to accept that if I decided to care more about what what good for me/my family, that it wouild be ok if they in turn felt it was better for them/their family if things changed relatinship-wise.
If that rings a chord, hope it's helpful. if not, good luck!

That's a toughy! You can have a relationship with her, but maintain your distance.

My Dh and I just don't talk money with my dad anymore because all he does is complain about it.....

We say, we've given you advice when you've asked, but don't follow it - and continue to complain about it/your choices - so we just say "Sorry to hear that - that must be tough" and quickly move off topic or end the phone call or whatever feels right in the situation.

If all your friend can talk about with you is her money issues, then I'd say end the friendship. However, if you find that you have other things to talk about, then I'd continue the friendship. You've got two boys and a life outside that to live - if she wants to be a part of it, then great.

If all she wants to do is talk about is her money problems, refer her to a financial counselor or therapist. Everyone has a breaking point and these people are trained and paid to deal with people's problems.

I've moved on from several relationships that felt like a drain on me - relationships have to give back, and if all she's doing is taking from you (by griping and complaining), then you're not getting anything out of the relationship anymore. Her problems shouldn't become "your" problem. I think relationships just sometimes run their course - maybe you had a good friendship for awhile, and now its time to move on. Good luck!

As we go thru life our friendships mature along with us. Our expectations and desires change.
Do I think you should cut all contact? No... Just let her be the one to reach out to you. And stop coddling her. If she starts talking about something that upsets you (money mishandling) just tell her that EVERYONE HAS MONEY PROBLEMS, NOW LETS TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. :-) Stop being her dump. Just bluntly say you don't want to talk about that subject and go on...
I have friends that I've had since I was in elementary school but i found that we ebb and flow. When your life situations are similar you WANT to talk... When there are vast differences you may touch base but you don't call weekly... Things like getting married, having kids, working, not working, pets issues, life dramas all can affect friendships.
She is used to using your ear as a dump for her dumpster. When she hangs up she feels better and you feel weighted down or mad because she did this to herself yet she's complaining about it like shes the victim.
My mom always tells us when we are starting to get into a pity me attitude that" YOUR decisions in YOUR life brought this about. NOW, its up to YOU to figure out a way to BETTER YOURSELF thru it. " And she says that as a response to EVERY SENTENCE... Lets just say the topic gets dropped pretty quick. :-)
Reality is hard for some to accept... But they must at some point...

Hi E. - maybe you should consider writing your friend a heartfelt letter and let her know how you feel. Let her know that friendship is a 2 way street and that you are not getting anything from the relationship. True friends can tell each other things be it good or bad and still remain friends. I have but a few people in my life like this. I hope this is helpful.

Hello,

If you are that close of a friend, you should be able to be honest with her. Sometimes the truth hurts. She is not being a very good friend to you if all she does is whine and talk about herself, but then again you put up with it for a long time. If she complains about money issues, suggest she read a book about budgeting. I had a few friends comeplain about money and I suggested they read the Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. At first they were a bit offended, most of them bought the book and are understanding they need to live on less then they make. Money problems are 90% choice and 10% money.
Have you ever confronted her about her selfishness? Have you ever thought it may be a low self esteem issue? Sounds like she has to prove to others she is worthy - materialistic things make her feel important? She needs to out do you because she feels you have a better life? Just a thought.
If you don't want to rock the boat and keep her as a friend, I guess keep doing what you are doing. If you want to distance yourself from her, you could let her make the contact. Or, you could be a real friend and be honest with her. I think she needs you.

Well, that's what friends do - listen. Is it a two way street? Does she listen to you too?

If not, you need to kindly say to her that you understand she has problems, but you really need to have her hear you as well. If she can't do that, move on. People come in to our lives for a reason and for a season. We are called to love them, but you don't have to be there all of the time for her.

Good luck.

S.