I have a friend that is unpredictable. Our daytime friendship is generally great. We talk sometimes during the day on the phone. We go shopping, to garage sales, thrift shops. We babysit each other children at times. We have dyed each other hair. We know "a Lot" about each others personal life. She is in my house every morning before the bus gets her to pick the kids up. We go for bike rides. We spend time together with and without the kids. I would consider her one of my best friends, but here is the problem. She leaves me out of her social life. We have lived across the street from each other for three years. Whenever I have people over, she has always been included, right from the first week I met her.
My cousin came for lunch last year, who I did not see often. I asked my friend to join us. When I meet a long time friend of mine at the mall. I ask her to come. A few months ago I had some girls over to watch Twilight in the afternoon and she was one of then. A few weeks after that, she had a friend over to watch a movie and hang out at her house-no invite here... We go to a lot of garage sales together on Friday mornings. Out of the blue one day, she asks someone else to go with her and did not mention it to me or ask me. I asked her what she was doing that day and that is how I found out. I told her nicely I felt left out, she apologized and said come, I declined, but I did let it go. Her husband and mine have a great time when they are together, but it seems, they invite other people to their house often, but rarely us, and when they do it, is always in a group setting, not just our two families. We have had them at our house for dinner. On a few ocassions our families went out to eat togther-maybe twice in 2 years. My family has an annual Halloween party. This year she was very vague and standoffish when I talked about it, and customes etc... As it got closer, I found out she did not "tell" her husband about our party and he planned their own. She did not come to ours, but her husband did show up twice with some of his friends. The most recent situation was this past weekend. During the previous week she told us about a party she was planning for her husband's birthday. On Friday my husband talked to her about it. She said that her husband did not want a party, so she would call to let us know if it was a go. Well she never called, and they had the party. I saw the pictures on facebook. What do I do? What do I say? Do I say anything? I said something once before and no change.
Wow! thanks so much everyone for your input. It is just what I needed. It is so great to get advise and opinions from people outside my circle of friends. This advise will definately help me deal with the situation, and has shed some light.. Thanks again ! Best to you all, and enjoy the holiday!
Sounds like she only wants to hang out with you when she dosn't have anything better to do...ditch her.
If it were me in my situation I'd ask her how come she didn't invite you to her husband's party. not, did you have the party, but straight into why. whatever her answer is at least you put it out there, and then let it go. a friend like that is not worth the hassle. I totally agree with the poster who said she seems to be around or wanting to do stuff when she doesn't have anything or anybody else willing to do it. So I would not continue with her as friends.
I think we are walkiing in the same shoes at the same time. I have just gone through this same experience with someone who I thought was my best friend.
Long story short, I have changed my stance in this relationship. I no longer spend as much time with her or on the phone with her or any of the things we used to do together. I was feeling sad because of the perceived friendship lost but when I think more realistically about the situation I have to admit to myself, this isn't what I want or need in a best friend. So I'm moving right along. I have made time to begin to develop some more friendships while developing the art of just enjoying time to myself alone with the kids.
I'm learning so much about myself, my needs, my desires and how to read people better. I need to just take more time when fostering new friendships to really get to know the other person better before letting them completely into my home and my heart. Good luck to you with your situation.
That is incredibly odd and hurtful- you really need to deal with it directly and consistently with her. There is no such things as "letting it go" when it comes to these kinds of things. These are the kinds of conflicts that will make or break a friendship, drive it deeper or further apart. And that's okay- it's a normal course of any relationship. It's important to go the distance and stick this through with her, being honest about your hurt feelings and asking her for honesty about how she would like to define the parameters of the friendship. There isn't anything wrong with her having other friends and friendship circles that don't include you- especially being that you are neighbors I think it's a good idea and moreover that you should get out more on your own and make other friends and friendship circles also. However, it's definitely overboard not to have invited you guys to her husband's birthday party- last minute or not it would've been the right thing to do. It seems like there is definitely some hang-up she has, whether it's something personal about you that she has stuffed and not dealt with directly with you (be open and be humble to hear it) or it's not personal at all but kicks up fears for her (afraid to be "best friends" with a neighbor cause of nightmare stories, maybe she's afraid to really be intimate with any friends b/c of her own life story or some high school nightmare she never got over, etc. etc.). But speculating wil only lead you to assuming, it best to set aside time, ask her to have coffee, etc and if you guys can talk for 5- 10 minutes, tell her you're hurt and why, tell her you're not stating your feelings as an attack or accusation but because as a friends you want to both express your hurt and try to understand her better. If you can manage to say that and feel that before she interrupts, it should lower her defenses enough for her to start getting honest with herself and you. And don't be afraid, you really aren't in High School anymore where you go from best friends to worst enemies, you can both be mature in working through the conflict and re-defining your relationship in accordance with what you learn about one another. It's an important life skill that you will need to guide your children with some day. -N.
This happens more than you think. I have come to turns that there is only a few true friends. You be suprised that sometimes that person maybe jeolous for some reason or another. It sounds like she doesn't appreciate your friendship and is avoiding inviting you to any of her parties or gathering. Why bother? What do you gain by having this friend? Does she appreciate your friendship or she only comes around when she's bore? Use Motivation interview by describing your feelings and what would like to see happen. Then make a point for ex: "I feel when you do ______It makes me feel_______I need you to stop doing _______because when you do you hurt my feelings."(described exactly how you feel by using I. Please don't use You first because she will become defensive). Listen to her responsed and based on what she has to said and then determine whether or not this can be resolved. Remember that you are only responsible how are you going to address this issue but not responsible on how she may react. I hope this help!
It actually sounds like you have a good friendship with this woman, but perhaps you want more from it than she is willing to give. If you can, enjoy the time you have together, and then don't expect more, as it doesn't seem like she can give more. If it hurts you too much, then you might have to "give less" of yourself to the friendship, so you might be able to maintain the friendship at a level where you are comfortable. Friendships have to be two ways, and if she is not able to give as much as you are expecting, then it is you that must adjust your expectations.
Not every friend can be all that you want....different friends give differently and add different things to your life..
A good friend respects their friends privacy and right to have other friends...even if it means you aren't included.
Let this situation be and just appreciate this friend for the quality time you do have with her...
It will be far better for all if you accept your friend for who she is. If it turns out the friendship is fizzling out that is OK. Not every friend is meant to last for life but for a season. Don't have hard feelings, just love her anyways. I understand feeling sad about it but don't dwell there. If you leave the door open rather then get clingy she may come back.
Maybe start making plans w/some other friends as well. We run into that quite a bit with some of our friends/neighbors. The thing that ticks me off the most is that we're good enough to watch other people's children, but not good enough to invite over for their social gatherings. People are definitely strange and I would absolutely without a doubt say something directly to her and her husband. Good luck!
First i admit that i probably wore the unpredicatable friend award too. Let me explain. I believe that 'absence does make the heart grow fonder'. Many times we grow tire from things that become readily available to us too easily. Many of my closest friends became closer after we moved farther away from each other. In essence, i really could not explain why i always seemed to be in & out of my circle of friends. Then i realized that my adulthood resembled my childhood relationships too. We moved every 8-10 years. Therefore, i didn't find much sense in making attachments to people when i knew that one day they/i would just pack up and leave our friendship in most cases behind. One day i received an e-mail and it answered your question better than i have... 'reason, season or lifetime. Some people enter into your life for a reason then they just up and disapper. Others may enter your life for a season. As if they were an answer to a prayer. Then for no reason at all they too up and disappear. Then others appear in our lives for a lifetime. These persons presence are irreplacable. They leave footprints in our hearts. And, regardless of whether they are near or far we can recall our time spent with them by smiling or laughing. I end by saying this. 'if someone can walk themselves out of your life--let them. This leaves room for one and others who need/want to be in the honor of your presence.
I don't think you need to be invited to everything...it's okay to have more than one friend. I would have hurt feelings too, but I would follow her lead. Maybe she is trying to distance herself or maybe she is just trying to be more social...who knows. Don't ever do anything in life with an expectation attatched to it...just because you give a gift doesn't mean that person "owes" you one. I myself would say something...cause that's just me. I would ask if there was a reason..if you hurt her or embaraased her in someway that she felt she didn't want to include you and your family, but with this comes a risk...she's your neighbor and if it gets ugly it could be really uncomfortable for a long time...the whole lack of party invitations leads me to think that she might like you, but not your kids/husband...and she doesn't want to say that...I don't know..and you won't either unless you ask. A real friend will understand and try to fix the problem(or at least address it) but if she's not truly your friend she may just get mad and end all association...you have to choose what suits you best...and discuss it with your husband because it coulod affect his social life too. Goodluck, I hope you have a real friend.
Hi J.,
I know it is hard but I say let her go. She is what I call a fair weather friend. Someone who is only there when there is nothing else better to do. It sounds like you and your husband are the only one's committed to this friendship. I have had it happen to me as well. Just a thought maybe all of those things that you say you know about each other on her end are not necessarily accurate . Therefore she needs you to keep you at a distance so she won't be found out. I know that sounds cynical but I have been hurt many times by people because I have gotten too close. When you are a trusting, giving person and it sounds like you are sometimes you set yourself up and bring people like this into your life. Anyway, who knows what her deal is all you should know is you were a good friend and she wasn't so shame on her. Move on and learn from it. I certainly did. I bet when you reflect back on your friendship over the years there were so many things that probably set up red flags but you ignored. I have found that to be true in all relationships go with your gut. I am sure you are hurt but you have a great husband and family so enjoy the holidays!!!!
I think you're investing too much into the friendship, J.. You seem to be thinking of her as your BFF and she doesn't see you as her closest of friends. If you're a SAHM it's great to have other moms to spend time with and there's nothing wrong with continuing to do it. I wouldn't tell her you feel left out if she makes plans with another friend during the day, she isn't required to do everything with you. She has other friends. You can continue to see her, but have other friends too.
As for the parties and things - if you're inviting her when your family comes and she doesn't ever invite you to gatherings at her house, then you are looking at this as a closer friendship than she is. It is also possible that these holiday and birthday parties she is having include one group of friends, like their college pals or something like that, and if so, she may feel it is awkward to invite someone who is not part of "the group." Do you know whether other neighborhool friends were invited?
I wouldn't keep saying things. She is not required to invite you to the things you would like to be invited to. I would suggest redefining YOUR ideas about this friendship. It sounds like the friend is trying to let you know that she enjoys spending girl time with you, but that's the extent of the friendship she wants. Just as you are trying to tell her something, she is trying to tell you something as well, but you don't seem to be accepting it.
It's great that you get along with your neighbor, but I think that is just how you should look at it!!! She is your neighbor not your best friend. It's good that you can hang out but I think what your "friend" is trying to tell you and you are not getting the hint is that she wishes to keep some aspects of her life separate. Not that she doesn't like you but she would like to keep the neiborly love separate from the friendship( yes its a a thin line) but you should consider doing the same. You really don't need to invite your neighbor to sit with you while a family member visits.
Hi J.,
Sorry you are in this situation. It must be so disappointing. If it were me, based on everything you've said, I'd just let the friendship go because you're a much better friend than she is. If you've talked to her, she knows how you feel and there's no change, and you're not invited to events that a close friend would and should be invited to, this isn't someone who's worth a lot of your time and energy. She sounds like a fair weathered friend who is only around on her terms when she doesn't have anything she'd rather be doing. You can't change other people, you can only change how you act in the situation. You deserve better!
I want to give you an honest response that may be hard to hear. I think you need to give her some space. She may still be a great, special friend, but your relationship with her may be stifling. You seem to be treating it more like a marriage, where she is cheating on you (i.e., having friends over without you present), than a friendship. If I had a friend who did that, I would probably start pulling away from her. I have wonderful, best friends, but don't invite them everytime I do something with someone else. Sometimes, people want to socialize with others and have a new experience. Maybe if you are always together when you do this, she may not get to know the other person as well. And they may not always want her other friend tagging along when they had made plans just the two of them. The party she had was for her husband, so it is only for HIS friends, not hers. Your husband and hers may get along, but he probably wanted his best friends there. I don't know, but consider if you had gone to her husband's party, would you have been by her side the entire night, making it harder to visit on an intimate level with their other guests?
So, say nothing. Continue with the friendship, and the special things that you do together. But do things on your own, without her, and allow her to do so, also.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh - it comes from a place of caring, and hoping for some balance and peace for you.
