Need Advice About Godparents from Other Moms with Several Kids

It is hard to expect grandparents, depending on their age to take on raising a child for 15-20 years - I understand! And while my husband and I have some fantastic siblings, that really are wonderful, they do not always value the same things we do, and we don't think that our children would be raised exactly/(or even close to) the way we would raise them, although we know they would be loved. We chose my college roommate and her husband because they have same thoughts on many important issues, and we know they will push our children to succceed in life and have the happy loving home we would want for them.

And the most important thing when having that discussion and planning that with someone is to make sure of 2 things - that you have adequate insurance, and that your wishes are in writing. I don't think any state gives the children to the godparents above family unless specifically drawn out and signed and witnessed.

It may be expensive, but is worth sitting down with a professional lawyer to make sure your will says exactly what you want - down to insurance being put into trust for the child, and the name of the executor, etc. You wouldn't want the godparents to get the children, and someone else get the insurance!

By making sure you have adequate life insurance, you help ease the burder (although it would be a labor of love) on the new family, by helping to make sure that day to day expenses are met, as well as perhaps creating a nest egg for college!

Make sure you and your husband are completely on the same page, and then reach out to the person/persons who you feel are best capable of raising your children in a loving environment with as close to the same values as yourselves. Let them know specifically why you think they are a good match, and let them know that you are doing your best to provide financially in such a situation, so that they do not have to make a decision with a 200lb weight of worry about "how could we ever afford that".

And remember, you can always change that information. If 5 years from now someone more suitable comes along, or your original choice ends up not being as suitable, you can change it!

The most important thing, above all, is that your children are raised in a loving, warm home, and given what they need to be successful functioning adults. Hurt feelings aside, which isn't easy, do what is best for them, and there is nothing wrong with keeping the arrangement between you and the other person, as long as it is clearly recorded, and you have a copy, as does the other person.

This is a huge and tough decision (I know because my husband & I also struggled with the issue!). We narrowed it down to 2 choices and then asked our choices how they felt about it). I think you absolutely need to involve the potential caregivers in your decision...and it just might make your choice easier! If you have a single girlfriend that you think might be the best choice, ask her if she would want your kids if anything happened to you. I know that even if I wasn't married, I'd want my best friend's kids no matter what...I would make it work!
Another thing to keep in mind is that it's a good idea to have a different person managing any insurance policy or inheritance money that is left to your children. If there isn't someone in your family that's appropriate, use a financial advisor and spell out how you want your money allocated to the children.
When there are children and money involved in an estate, things tend to get ugly so go into GREAT detail (in a will) on how you want things done if anything should happen to you!!!

Hi Rebecca,

Why don't you want family to care for your children?

Those issues need to be resolved before you make your decision. These children are flesh and blood of your family. It sounds like there is broken relationships in your family. How can you be instrumental in healing the brokeness of your family, if that is an issue? Children really can be the way to do that.

On your side or your husband's side of the family there is no one that is adequate?

I would suggest that FAMILT MEDIATION be attempted. Mediation will help the family work through the family issues if that is an issue. Children need their extended family members. Children need all the love they can get. There is so much brokeness in the world today. Be part of the healing in a small way.s

Since I don't know your situation, I can only advise you from an objective point of view. Issues with family members really need to be resolved so that the children can benefit from the extended family. It is all about the children.

Good luck. Hope this helps. D.

My husband and I decided to have his sister and her husband to be our kids' Godparents. I didn't want my mom to get her hands on them, she wasn't great with me and my husband's mom is not in the best of health and his Dad has always been "hands off" with his kids. He loves the grand kids, but I don't think he would want to go through the parenting thing again. We are military and there are no friends we would feel comfortable with raising our kids. My Sis in law has a son already but she and her husband were very honored to have us select them as the kids God parents. Try searching out side of the box a little and look at maybe an aunt or someone you are close to at church (if you attend). Or suggest to your family that you are looking and maybe hold interviews. We chose who we did b/c we think it would be the best for our kids to stay with someone who has a child so they aren't all alone and my SIL just adores my kids.

You've already gotten a lot of good advice here, which I won't repeat.

Our children each have different godparents, but we asked my brother and his wife to serve as guardian after our first was born. Now that they have 3 kids of their own, and we have two, we're considering changing that in our will (after the appropriate conversations) to a different couple (not sure of who yet.) We think it is more important that the potential guardians will raise the children the way we would have AND keep them in touch with our families than that the guardians need to be family themselves. I understand how choosing a family member can be problematic - especially if you don't want your kids raised the way you see them raising theirs (or how you were raised), and there's nothing wrong with choosing close friends, as long as they understand & agree that part of their job as guardian is to keep the kids involved (to whatever extent you are) with your families.

Nowadays, the courts will give the children to the family member they think can best care for them (or that steps up to claim them) UNLESS you put it in writing in a will. I strongly recommend that you and your husband have wills drawn up that by a lawyer to specify who will be guardian of the children and that they are to have the proceeds of your life insurance (you *both* have insurance, right?, my job has no benefits, so I have a stand-alone life insurance policy with a separate company) and assets, like house/cars/collections/etc. We put ours in trust for the kids - to cover their expenses, and any balance remaining they would get after they turn 25 (when they have the wit/experience to spend it wisely and might put it to buying a house or some such.)

While you're at it, you should also put in with your will a 'living will' document that spells out to what extents you are willing to be treated in the event of an accident leaving you alive, but vegetative (like that poor woman in Florida.) You should also have this conversation with your spouse and at least mention it, if not having a specific conversation about it, to each of your parents. This conversation should include your thoughts about organ donation as well, since in many situations there is no time to be looking for paper documents, so it's better if the people who will have to make that decision know how you feel about it.

These are all tough conversations to have, because none of us likes to really think about our mortality and the 'what if' factor, but kudos to you and your husband for stepping in the right direction. Now - get'r done! = )

Good luck!

After seeing all the other responses, I feel like I'm coming out of left field with my situation. The childrens' father and I are both remarried, so our kids have two sets of parents. We each have made individual and joint decisions as to where the kids will go in the event one or both of us should go. He has specified in his will that if something should happen to him, he would like the kids to be with me (his beast of a mother would definitely fight me for my own children) just so there's no room for anyone to try to lay claim. Even though he's about to be divorced (smart woman!), in the event something should happen to me, I've decided I would like the children to be with his wife (even before I would want them with him because he's not capable on his own and he has too many issues to ever maintain a proper relationship with someone who could help him). Perhaps I'm not typical, but I've never felt threatened or competitive with her. When she stepped into the picture, I welcomed her as part of our larger blended family. To me, she is first and foremost my kids' "other mom". She loves them and holds the same values I do, even if their father doesn't. If she's unable to take care of the children, for whatever reason, the next person in line is my best friend, who doesn't have any children nor does she want any of her own, but has already stated that she would take mine if it came down to it. She knows me best in this world and I can trust her to finish raising the kids the way I would want them raised. I know both these women would always make sure my kids know who their family is and teach them the values I want instilled in them. After these two, my parents are next in line. They don't make the top of the list simply because they are getting older and their health is slowly deteriorating. It's too much of a burden. However, my ex husband and I agree they are the best choice should both of us go and the first choices are unable. Absolutely no one in his family is a consideration. He has been left scarred for life from the dysfunction in his family and neither of us wants to subject our children to that. Aside from my parents, I'm not close to anyone in my family. Anyhow, it may sound a little out of the box, but these are the best choices we can make for our children.

Hi, Rebecca. The person you choose to be your children's care takers in case something happens to you guys does not have to be the Godparent. The Godparents of my children are actually not the same people whom we have chosen to be their Guardians. Also, make sure that you ask whomever you are considering and make sure that they are willing (and able) to take on the task. Don't just choose on set -- you will need a back up in case something happens to the couple you choose (i.e., divorce, death, financial problems, etc.). Make sure you have a will stating your wishes. If nothing is legal, anybody can step up and claim your kids (i.e., the grandparents, brothers, sisters,) and fight for custody rights in court.

Hi Rebecca...

First I applaud you for thinking about this, sadly not many people do. My husband and I are in the process of creating our will. Who your children will go to should the unthinkable happens is definitely not something to take lightly. When my oldest was born I always said he would go to my older brother, who happens to be one of his Godfathers. Life of course has changed and my thoughts and opinions have changed also. The one person in the whole world that I know would care for my kids the best is my "aunt" who helped raise me. (She is in no way blood related to me but I feel closer to her than I do my own mother.) The problem is she has some very major health issues and even though I know she would take them in a heartbeat I wouldn't want to burden her with raising 2 kids. She also lives half way across the country which I guess when it comes down to it that really wouldn't make much of a difference. If she were not able to our next choice would be my youngest son's Godparents who are in no way related to us. They are very, very close friends of ours who have very much the same beliefs we have and I know they would bring our kids into their family without hesitation. They have 3 girls, the 2 older ones are the same age as our boys. You have to think long and hard. Don't pick someone because you feel obligated or would feel bad. These are your children and it's definitely not a decision that should be made without deep thought and prayer. Good luck to you and God bless.

K. - sahm of 2 boys, 5 and 2

I am also 27. After the birth of our first daughter, who is now almost 3, my husband and I made a will. Here is what we did as far as who would care for our children if something were to happen.

1. My parents

2. If they were unable or something then it goes to my husband's brother and his wife. we are closer to them then anyone in the family, theya re very close to our age. They are good Christian people and have been married for almost 8 years. At the time they did not have kids but are now expecting a girl in Sept! Jeff (my husband's brother) is in the Army. Whne we put them as caretakers I made sure to include that, if something were to happen to Jeff, then Shannon would not be responsible because I don't want to put that pressure/burden on her, plus we figgured that they would eventually ahve kids and with them Army and traveling, if something happened to us, for example and my parents were unable and Shannon got a call tot ake the girls and then later she found out something happeend to JEff I just think that would be a lot on Shannon by herself to deal wiht so that is why we made that specification

3. My deaarest friend Becky and her husband MAtt. They ahve 2 girls almost the exact same age as ours and they love each other to pieces. Now, they are in the army as well, but I did not make specifications wihtt hem the way I did wiht Jeff and Shannon becasue theya re dear frinds and if that happened I know that if Becky couldn't handle it she would figure out the right thing to do because we know each other so well. I LOVE my sister-in-law Shanoon to pieces, and she would do the right thing as well, I just don't want to put sucha huge possible burden on my family, if that makes sense. I know it owuld be a big burden to BEcky if it happened as well, but she is used to many things changing and life happeneing WITH kids, and Shannon is just starting out as a mom. Anyway,m that probably makes no sense but I just basically did not want to put the burden on a family member like that, especially and in-law. I am an in-law ion that side as well, but I can just see a very dear frined understading diffeently. Anyway, I have prrobably totally confused you but that is what we did.

Also remember that although it is your will there are cases where the guardian you appointed may not want that position and they don't abosolutley have to take it, that legally is up to the court,. Your will is absically who you would like the courts to consider. Usually of course the person you appointed will get sutody but our lawyer made sure to let us know that specifically because I guess maybe some people don't know that. I know I didn't.

Hi Rebecca

I too chose a family member but I only had one son. This person was very young and not married, but I also appointed another person as an "overseer" if you wish. I didn't fully trust my family to be the sole caretaker of my son. Now, thankfully, 25 years later, I don't need to worry about this.

I personally knew of a young couple that had not made plans to have someone take care of their three children and when sadly both parents died instantly in a car crash, these three children become orphans. It was decided among family members that the three children would live with their respective godparents, which all three were different. I must say that it was really hard on the children because not only did they lose their parents, they "lost" their siblings. It was arranged that the kids would spend every Sunday together. I know this was not a very easy decision on the part of the persons taking care of the children, but for them, that was what seemed to be the only solution.

All this to say that talking to others about what it is you would like to do might have people come up and say that they would be happy to take care of your four daughters. It might just surprise you to see who would be interested and who would not. I would also express my wishes of what I as a mother, would like to see for my daughters in way of eductions, values, etc. This will give you some perspective on the values and goals of the other person. As for them not being married, as with today's statistics, even if they were married today, they may not be tomorrow.

I hope this has been helpful to you. Good luck

C. C.
Life Coach

out of all the candidates who is most like you and your husband. what i mean is who do you think will raise them the way you want them raised. if you go to church do they? if you want the kids in sports will they put them in sports because thy probably wont unless they also like the sport or realize how important it is to you. who do your kids like the most and get along with. decide who to totlly take off the list with questions like this and then talk it over with the candidates either with or without them knowing your ultirior motives. see if they are even for taking on the responsibility. ask if they would indeed do the things you want done with your children. remember they may not be telling the truth eve if not on purpose sense who's to know for sure what they will do as parents if they arent even parents. good luck in yourdecision and i pray you wont even need it.

You do have a very tough decision to make. Please keep in mind that from a legal standpoint, a godparent does not get custody of your children unless additional LEGAL documentation is arranged even if that was your intent. A godparents role is as a spiritual one.

In my family, "godparents" was taken to mean the person or couple who would raise your child if the need arose but that does not have to be the case. You can pick a true godparent and then pick someone completely different to be your daughters' guardians if necessary.

My son's godparents are my sister and her husband while my daughter's godparents are my other sister and one of my husband's brothers (they are very much NOT a couple).

I would suggest talking to your husband so you can each "weed out" those that you would NOT be comfortable with as the guardians of your girls. Then speak to those that you deem acceptable. Tell them what you are trying to decide, some of your concerns and important values, and then see IF they would be willing to consider. That should help you narrow your options. Best case, you find more than one. Worst case, you find out who not to count on.

we made a tough decision and chose to leave our son in the care of our friends in the event of our death. the couple we picked has a very different parenting style than us but i know for sure they would welcome my son into their home as a member of their family. we are a family with one child and they have four. we are not religious and they are very active in their church. their children are homeschooled and ours is not. these are huge differences that in the end don't matter. if my baby loses both his mother and his father what he needs is a kind, nuturing and warm family to embrace him in warmth. i chose this over anything else.

We have three children and stayed with family and my childhood best friend for the first two sets of godparents. Our oldest is a special needs child on a strict diet and biomedical regiment. As I began thinking along the same lines, it occurred to me that family was not going to cut it. Especially since we live out of town.

I wanted my children raised as they are now, where they are now, and with people will put my oldest child's need above all else. We have chosen my two closets friends who live near us. My girlfriend is married with three kids of her own. My buddy is single, plans to stay that way,and will retain physical custody of the children. They are also our youngest godparents and both are in the education field. My parents aren't to happy about it, but my children must come first and we can't see anyone else doing the job like we do.

Hope this helps,
S.

Well you dont have to have any Godparents. My siblings and I didnt, and neither do my kids, nor did my husband and his siblings. THe only person in the world I would let take my kids is my mom. She most certainly would have her hands full w/ all 3 of them, but its something that would have to be done. She probably wouldnt have it any other way either. We do not have any friends close enough, and his family is not close to the kids so they do not know them very well.
I know you hate to think of them as wards of the state so you might have to consider the option of them having to split up if you are sure no one would take all 4. You could stipulate 2 and 2. I know that would be difficult but it might be worth considering. You can ask a single person as well, they do not have to be married unless that was a pre-requisite of your own. And you musnt worry about the future spouse agreeing to it. If your single friend agrees to it it is their responsibility to share the information w/ any future spouse and its between the two of them to agree. I highly doubt your single friend would chose the future potential spouse over your children. If they do then they werent truly honorable enough to be Godparents. YOu would have to discuss this w/ them and bring it to their attention so that if they cannot commit to taking the children then they need to decline the honor.
God forbid anything happen to my mother and then to my husband and I because I do not know what would become of my children. It truly does scare me to death, so I try not to think of it and just leave it in Gods hands.
Good luck w/ your decision and if you think of something brilliant please share w/ us.

Rebecca,

I suggest that you decide who would beable to financially and emotionally take care of your girls. It takes special people to raise someone elses children. Make sure whomever you and you husband decide that they will keep the girls together. People who will love them and give them comfort in there time of grief and insecurity.

I decided to make my brother and sister in law all of my kids (2 boys, 1 girl) godparents and guardians. Although my youngest will have 2 godmothers( my best friend). I know that my brother and sister in law are more financially stable to care for them in the event something happens to me.

We did not choose family. We chose other parents we thought were great parents. We have only 2 kids, but they are little.

I think you do need to approach anyone you are considering and ask them if they would be willing to step in should the need arise.

You do need to put this in a will because a court would probably pick someone in the family in the absence of your written wishes to the contrary.

We haven't asked, but we pretty much know who our daughter would have to go to, but we aren't thrilled with the conclusion. They are they people we chose as her godparents. We wanted family and we wanted people with kids young enough that they could relate to our daughter, should the need arise.

If you pick someone other than family, expect it to be challenged in court, if someone in your family feels strongly about it. Further, if the kids were adopted by the non-family members, they would not be heirs to their grandparents, etc. You could be cutting them off.

While we chose my sister and her husband, I completely understand and I don't think it needs to be your family. Just because you're related to them doesn't mean they are who you want raising your children. I have several friends who have asked me if I would take their children if something were to happen to them, and it's formally and legally in their wills now (that way grandparents or whoever can't easily step in and cause problems). Take your time and think about who you know and consider all of your options, then ask. Just make sure you put everything in writing!

Rebecca - a Godparent will not automatically become a child's guardian if something should happen to both you and your husband. Just to let you know that the law and religion are different and (God forbid) something should happen to the two of you, the courts will not automatically hand your kids to Godparents. With that said, a Godparent is someone to provide spiritual guidance only. A guardian is someone you choose for your children to go to if something should happen. To be safe, this must be in writing and signed off by all interested parties to avoid any issues down the road (parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, etc). Just something to keep in mind if you are asking someone to be a Godparent, you are not asking them to care for your children in the event you and your husband are not able to. Be clear with your intentions to avoid unnecessary heartache for your children. I'm only saying this because you and your husband are doing the right thing and I would hate to see all of your good intentions be for naught.