First of all, thanks to any who can give some solid advice on this. I have 3 sisters and a mom who are all pretty close to one another. I would be considered the "black sheep", although my sisters would argue that is of "my own doing". I have a great family, husband, 4 kids, and am pregnant with my 5th. My sisters are very catty and unsupportive of me. They spend an unimaginable amt of time gossipping about me, and anyone else they mutually know. They manage to spin it though, to make it seem like the gossip is "out of concern" for me, my choices, etc. The are passive aggressive in nature, which allows them most of the time to deny their meanness, by being able to act like their actions were "misread". The latest was when I announced I was pregnant, we waited 14 wks to tell them (or anyone) because we just wanted to savor the excitement, knew they would'nt be excited, and would accuse me of trying to be the "center of attention" (b/c isn't that totally why anyone would get pregnant and choose to take on the lifelong responsibility of raising a child? Duh...) So, their reactions were as expected...they all met for lunch and talked about how sneaky I am for not telling them, and then one of them called me and proceeded to tell me that "This is why we're not close. You hide things from us and are sneaky about things." Never mind congratulations, or any of them supporting that we have the right to make it thru the 1st trimester before announcing. They made it all about them, and how I am so terrible a sister for not calling them the minute I peed on a stick. Mind you, I've waited 3 months with EACH baby before telling. This is nothing new. This is who I am.
Fast forward to where I need the advice. Back in October, they all decided to go on vacation together again. They have all vacationed together 3 times before this, without us. The first was 1 week after I had my 3rd baby, the second was a last minute spring break trip where we had already booked Disney for 8 weeks later, and the 3rd was scheduled for 9 days after the birth of my 4th baby. Not exactly ideal times to travel 14 hours in a car. This time, they planned to go back to the same place...a beach house on a secluded island, where you swim, and there is NOTHING else to do. Our family of 6 just isn't beach goers. We all have very pale skin, need a little more stimulation than just a beach, and frankly, neither my husband nor I could imagine a house with 23 people in it for a week. So, we told them, that the drive is too long, and it was an expensive trip for us to go on when its not where we would chose to vacation. We told them we were open to other spots to go to, and even suggested several that were closer to home, and had more things to do. We got told that it was already decided that they were going back to where they loved, and we could choose to go or not. So we politely said no.
We have now decided that we WOULD like to take a vacation this year, and maybe even go to the beach, just not there. I'd like to plan a trip that is about the same distance away, but much more for us and the kids to do. My problem is that I'm not sure how to tell them that we are going on vacation too, just not with them. They will act offended, but really, it is just going to give them fodder for their gossip, and continue to drive a wedge between us. But I shouldn't have to skip a vacation just because of their reaction, right? And we have a right to get a say in where we spend our vacation dollars, and they weren't willing to give us that option, right? I can't cut these people out of my life. We all live close to one another, and they all like to give this very public impression that we are all the best of friends, and how great it is that we are all sisters. But it is not great, and they make me feel bad about myself, and ignored every time I spend time with them. Its not healthy for me.
What should I tell them, if anything, and how should I approach the conversation?
you don't need to be so close to them. you only think you do. get some space from them. I would not be so "close" any more. life is short.
It might be helpful to read about "enmeshment."
I would seek out counseling from someone who could help me deal with issues stemming from families of origin.
You sound way too enmeshed still . . . JMO.
You did tell them that you wanted to do a vacation, just not there. So it shouldn't be too much of a surprise when they learn that you are going on a vacation, just not there. I wouldn't really go out of my way to say anything more to them. Like another poster said, just contact one of them before you leave so they'll know you're not "missing" and have a great time.
Hon, you are an adult. You can do whatever you want and vacation wherever your want and with whomever you want without your sisters' approval.
Personally, having been through a couple of rough patches in my relationship with my sis: sometimes it is best to take a step back. You know how they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder? I have found that goes for siblings as well.
It doesn't sound like your sisters and you have a great relationship in the first place, maybe it's time to stay away from them for a while and stop letting them mess with your self esteem.
Good luck.
Just plan your own trip with just your family. Don't worry about what they think. Sounds like they will talk no matter what you do. So book your trip and enjoy time with your family. Why even tell them you are going away? Just go. And if they ask why you didn't go with them, say that you were not interested in where they were going. End of story.
Well, it doesn't sound as though there's any communication between all of you regarding where the "family" vacation should take place or when it should occur. I say plan your own vacation with your husband and kids and do what will make it feel like a vacation to you. To be honest, I don't even know your family and the thought of spending days on an island with 23 people would be enough to drive me over the edge. That's no vacation for you... talk about stressful.
You don't have to cut them our of your life... (although you might want to if it gets more toxic). Just do what's right for your family and let them do their thing. Let go of their reaction. One of my favorite saying is "you can't control what people do, think or say." It doesn't mean that you don't give a hoot about others, just that people are people and you have to be clear in your own intention without worrying about what others will say. (Besides, I have a feeling that they would talk no mater what you did.)
Honestly, I 100% agree with 8kidsdad. Your post sounds as catty as you are accusing your family of being. You're not beach people, so you can't go with your family, but then you want to go to the beach without your family. Perhaps they are catty to you because of the way YOU act? I don't know... and I'm not trying to sound judgy... it's just.... look at the common denominatory among them. It's you. Are you sure this is all their fault?
It sounds like you are the one that doesn't want to be close to your mom and sisters. You couldn't be part of their beach vacation because you aren't "beach people". NOW you are contemplating going to the beach on your vacation. I can almost guarentee you that the beach is the same this year as it was last year and your skin will be just as sensitive now as it was then. BTW, SPF 50 sunscreen works the same this year as it did last year.
If you want to be part of the family and want your kids to know your mom and their aunts, then YOU need to CHANGE your attitude. Yes, you have the right to shun your family and your mom, but you shouldn't. You should swallow your pride and get over it.
SUGGESTION: Communicate with your mom and siblings and tell/inform them you want to take a family vacation this year, but don't want to go within 5 weeks of your due date. Then tell them you are sorry you have not vacationed with them in the past, but you are over your issues.(I know that will be hard to do. Swallow your pride and put your big girl pants on.) Tell them you want to know if they want to take a joint family vacation this year. Tell them some of the things you want to be able to do on your vacation, and you want to know if any of them want to plan it together. Then wait for them to pick themselves off the floor where they fainted in shock over a friendly gesture from you.
OR, invite them to a place that serves good food that you all like and bring along 4 notebooks and pens. When you have all sat down, tell them what I mentioned in the above paragraph. Hand each of them a note book where the first page is a written apology and then tell them what you want to do and ask them what they would like to do. Tell them the notebooks so ALL of you can write down what you want to do and can take notes on what the others want to do.
FAMILIES ARE FOREVER, but you can cut yourself off from a wonderful opportunity to have a close loving family. Your kids should learn what it is like to have loving grandparents and aunts and uncles. They should grow close to their cousins. My grandkids are very close to their cousins and my kids and their spouses are very close to each other. They have remarked on more than one occasion how lucky they were to have married into such a very nice and close family.
One last thing, your kids will learn from you how they should treat you when you get old by how you treat your mom and dad. If you want them to see you often, then see your parents often and have a loving relationship with them. Then they will probably have a loving relationship with you. If you want them to love one another and treat each other well, then treat your siblings the same way. You are the example. If you want your children to have a good marriage, then treat your husband like you have a good marriage.
My kids saw that I was always loving to my wife and gave her much respect and was always kind to her. We were married on the 28th of July. 6 of my 8 kids got married on the 28th of the month and all of them have a kind loving relationship with their spouses. 5 of my 8 SIL and DIL have come up to me in private and thanked me for the way I raised their spouses.
Good luck to you and yours.
I'm trying to decide why you still talk to them and why they would have any knowledge of you going on vacation, let alone where you're going on vacation. They want you to be someone that you're not. You will NEVER be that person they want you to be, so why are you worrying about how they feel about it? It's like if it makes somebody mad that you're standing there breathing, would they be more or less mad if you breathed through your mouth instead of your nose, and why do you care?
Take your vacation. Have a wonderful time. See less of these people and spend less time with them. It might make the time that you ARE together less horribly unpleasant.
They are toxic. Do not waste your time on them. Do not tell them, you owe them nothing. Blood does not equal family. Love and respect do. You do not have to justify your FAMILY vacation with them. Be comfortable in your skin and with your life. Screw them.
Oh boy, can I relate to this. I have been struggling to resolve issues with my sibs for a few years now. There are 4 of us, and we used to be really close, and I thought we always would be. Then as each of us got married, it got tougher. Two of them moved out of state, and none of the in-laws get along, so it's made things tough. I had to let go of the relationships I thought we'd have, and even grieve a little for that hope lost. And then I had to realize that I do still love them, they are my siblings, but we just won't be as close as I thought. And that's ok. Like you, too much time with them became hurtful.
So you don't have to justify anything to them. You suggested another vacation and THEY said no. So you can go anywhere you'd like. However, I will say that you may need to budge a little. For example, I hate to travel, don't like back east, etc. So I was always making up reasons not to visit my sisters back east. I could justify it, it really is hard for me to make that trip. However, I realized I needed to sometimes just go. Not for them, but for me. So that I could visit them and be in 'control' of my relationship with them. If a future trip to this beach house comes up, you could say yes. Knowing you must bring lots of things to keep your kiddos busy, and bringing lots of umbrellas and sunscreen. You sound to me like you are creating such a protective bubble around your family (which is justified and necessary), that you aren't reaching out a little bit to let them know you do care and do want a relationship.
That it more something to consider as you re-evaluate your relationship with them. For now, know that you have made this decision and are allowed to do so. And know that their cattiness has more to do with them than with you. For whatever reason, you make them insecure. Maybe they are jealous, maybe they envy your family. Whatever it is, it is about them. Sometimes knowing that softens the blow of comments. Again, I struggle with this a lot and know it's not easy. I am just dipping my toe in the waters of a new relationship with my sibs, and sometimes I need to pull my toe out, but I always try again and know it will get easier. I hope the same for you. Good luck!
I think that you shouldn't tell them anything unless they ask. Or, if you're feeling strong enough, mention it casually in conversation and be prepared for whatever they toss at you. You really don't want to go on vacation with them, anyway, do you? Even if you get to choose the spot, how much would you enjoy it with them for a week or more? I think that you give them more ammo when you offer your input, so you should just vote yea or nay to their suggestions and move right along.
I see no reason to even tell them. I would schedule your vacation make no plans to tell them. If they find out, just say that you didn't think any of them would care to know the info considering they were doing something different. Wait scratch that....does it really matter what you tell them?
I wouldn't write them off, but you definitely don't have to force a relationship. I would keep your contact to a need to know basis and leave it at that.
Put your own family first and try not to stress over what 'others' think or do. I doubt it would matter what you do or don't do or how you do it or don't do it. You don't have to cut these people out of your life but you can choose to smile and live your own life.
ps. do any of them read this? lol
Why does anything they think or say bother you?
They are a catty, cliquish bunch.
I can't imagine why you'd want to hang out with them in the first place.
It's just who they are and there's no changing it.
Go your own way and don't apologize for it.
You don't have to cut them out, but you can create some distance / breathing room from them.
You do not have to share every bit of news with them.
Send them a post card from time to time but don't go out of your way for them or expect much from them.
Be happy in your life in spite of what every they think, feel or say.
They can create what ever happy little fantasy they want about inner family relationships while you are out there being genuinely happy.
Don't talk to them about your beach plans, vacation plans, or other plans. Where you go on vacation and what you do on vacation is your business. That's the answer to your question. I don't know why you feel that you have to talk to them about this.
Wouldn't you just be miserable and the "outcast" if you went with them anyway?
Sometimes you have to just leave these people's drama behind you and go off and have fun on your own. You don't owe your sisters the fodder for their gossip.
Btw, many women wait until 12 weeks to announce a pregnancy in case their is a miscarriage. It sounds like they would have found something else to say even if you'd told them earlier.
Dawn
Your family is toxic. They do nothing but talk bad about other people, especially you. No matter what you do or say, it's always, going to be spinned in a bad light. It's not healthy like you said. So why put yourself through it?
You live close and that really is awful, but you can still live your own life, and be happy without them. They dont want to be close, and all with you. They must be miserable if all they do is gossip, and have nothing better to do than make you feel bad about yourself. You CAN cut them out, or at least cut the communication out, even if for awhile.
Dont give them anything to talk about. You said no to their vacation because you didnt want to go and your family has different needs than them so dont feel badly. Plan your vacation with your family and make a point to have tons of fun while you are together. Take pictures, laugh and just relax and have a good time. To hell with them! If they cant be nice, and civil like family SHOULD be then you are better off without them.
You dont have to tell them, or figure out a way to nicely tell them about your vacation. Just DO IT! Like I said, no matter if you were to tell them nicely, or bluntly they are going to say hateful things. Sometimes you just have to tell yourself it's not worth it. Not worth walking on egg shells and trying to make them happy. They dont want to be. They just want to be hateful. So just do you, and do whats best for your family!
Big congrats on the pregnancy!! :)
I have 4 sisters and I am the black sheep but we all get along and yes, my sisters do gossip about eachother.
Go on the vacation with your family and enjoy yourself. It seems to me that they planned all these other trips at times when you weren't able to go. I think they did it on purpose. just tell them and if they gossip, big deal, let them. You deserve to be happy. I also think your sisters and mom love drama and if theres is none, they will create it. Just ignore and enjoy your life and stop letting it get to you.
Ouch. Stings to be in this family of yours, I can feel it. Seems that nothing you do is ever good enough. Do you really need to announce your vacation at all? (Please don't ever skip a vacation because of what anyone would say about it). I'd probably mention it to your mom right before you go (so she doesn't think you're missing), then leave. Sounds like they're going to talk no matter what you do, so just go on w/ your life.
