Friends and Gossip

Well, it doesn't seem like she is able to keep a confidence. You know this know. I would not share anything with her that I would care if anyone else knew.

It is simple -
never tell anyone anything that you do not want the whole world to know.
No matter who you are talking to.
People over share, over emote, and speak without thinking.
Not always with malicious intent - but just by putting tongue before brain.

Friends talk about their other friends with each other. They worry about them, they care about them, they want to know if something is going on with them, so they ask their other friends if they've seen something odd going on or other stuff like that.

It's not all malicious gossip per say. It's more about figuring out how to help each other and find out what you can do for each other.

Well, like Dr. Phil says, if they do it with you, they'll do it to you. I don't know about things you've said in the past to her, but I sure wouldn't share anything new.

If a friend is gossiping with you, then they're also gossiping about you.

She's a gossip and cannot be trusted. My guess is that she has nothing interesting to say and/or is insecure, so she resorts to talking about others. It's very childish and ugly. Friends DO NOT and should not repeat things you said in confidence, ever, even if it wasn't specifically implied that it shouldn't be repeated. If someone wants to know my business, I should be the only one to them, end of story. This is not a quality that I would want in a friend, so I would probably distance myself from her.

And, yes, she is 110% positively, absolutely, repeating your "secrets" to everyone else.

Do not ask around about her. It will make you look like a gossip and that you're bad mouthing her. Assume that she's spreading your business and move on from her.

This is what I would have done:
I would have THEN told her directly.... "So, are you telling other people what I tell you in private???? Because you just told me something private from someone else and told me not to tell."
C'mon....
Just tell her.
IF she is a friend, you can tell her this.
I would.
I don't beat around the bush.

And you NOW know... she has a big mouth... and she cannot keep confidences.

She may be one of those friends who actually CAN keep a confidence, IF she is asked. If she is not asked, she may feel free to share.

I have a friend who told her circle of friends that she filed for divorce. We had been waiting for a long time to hear, and going through all the mess of her divorce and all its ugliness, even seeing her husband at their house when we'd go over for get togethers. (Yeah, they lived under the same roof until the divorce was finalized.) She was upset later when she was asked about it by someone outside of the circle. She assumed no one would talk about it, even though she had not asked us to keep it quiet. Well, I'm sorry, but that was HER fault.

Now, if she is blabbing anything and everything, then you are VERY right to worry. If I were you, I'd gently tell her that you hope that she understands that the past conversations you two have had about your private life are supposed to be between you two.

If you feel that she has trouble with this, please don't tell her your life secrets anymore. It could be that it's too much temptation for her. You can also tell her that it bothers you to hear others' secrets because it makes your stomach hurt.

Just realize that from now on whatever you tell her she may or may not keep to herself, because what's done is done, and keep your private business to yourself.
If she starts telling you something about someone else you really don't want to know just SAY so! I have done that in the past, said you know, I really don't want to talk about this, and then changed the subject.
You will find these gossipy types only stay around as long they have someone to give and take information from. If she's a real friend she'll remain a friend, but if you find that once you are no longer a "source" for her gossip habit and she moves on to someone else, then well, she never was a good friend to begin with.

I have one of those friends. I've stopped sharing with her. Some people don't understand privacy, some people just are gossips.

i wouldn't say anything to anyone else (that's just joining in the game). Instead, just keep in mind that anything you say to your friend may be repeated elsewhere.

good for you for realizing that what she does to them, she will surely do to you. i would not then follow in her footsteps by trying to get your mutual friends to 'out' her. just be more discreet in the future with this particular friend.
it's something everyone has to revisit from time to time. we need close friends with whom to share private stuff, and we don't always pick just the right ones at all times in our lives.
different boundaries for different friends.
khairete
S.

I would not ask around. I would have said to my friend, "Gina might not be comfortable with us having that conversation about her in her absence." I might also even ask her if she's shared any of my info with the other girls. I wouldn't have to plan any huge sit-down...just maybe "I know that I won't be talking to anybody else about what you just told me about Gina, but I hope that you can have that same confidence in whomever you choose to confide in about the personal stuff that I've said to you."

Be thankful that you know, and be careful what you share with her. That's really a good rule of thumb, anyway. Keep in mind that when you share info about your marriage, you're not just telling your business, but you're also sharing that of your husband. I don't think that you've done anything wrong. Just...now you know.

How funny it would be if you were to say to her, "Oh, my, I'm gonna ask her about that next time I talk to her!" If she tries to stop you, tell her that you didn't realize that she would be saying something that you couldn't repeat. Maybe that will give her pause when she looks for her next sharing moment.

I have a group of mutual friends, and we all share info about each other and can later go to each other about whatever we might have been told. "Hey, Sheila told me that John was standing in the backyard wearing your pantyhose. Are you okay? What happened?"

It's been my experience that when someone tells you about someone else, they have told that someone else about you....
From here on out, I wouldn't tell the friend anything you fear may be retold to someone else..
As for confronting the person.. Not sure I would... reason being, people end up doing what they want to do and I honestly don't think it's gonna help.. Then again, I could be wrong.. I suppose I am in the mode of just leaving well enough alone and just being careful what I share with people..
I had a former good friend for whom I shared different things. Turns out, she was repeating everything I said.. All the way down to when I was pregnant and didn't want anyone to know just yet.. She turned around and told my former boss before I had the chance..... so yeah.. I now watch EVERYTHING I say ... even to supposed close friends..

I think there is a degree of bragging involved in gossip. "I was told this and you weren't". There is also valuable insight into the person telling you this gossip- She lied when she agreed not to share it further. Expect that she has already blabbed anything you told her that she found gossip-worthy. I would not question the others because it's just going to stir everything up. Like one of the other posts who quoted Dr. Phil, "If they are going to do it with you, they're going to do it to you".

Save the uber-personal stuff for someone distanced from the group- your mom, a sister, pastor, therapist, doctor.

I don't know, some things are "open secrets". How close are you to the girl who is dating the married man? Is this something she's doing out in the open or is it a secret she's trying to keep private? Sometimes people share things like this because they're concerned about their friends behavior. If I had a friend who was sleeping with a married man and another who was allowing her husband to cheat I would be upset and hope that they would make better decisions. Maybe she's just worried about them and needed to confide in someone about it. Don't judge her when you don't understand the whole back story.

Friends don't break confidence with your personal problems. I think you should just assume that she is blabbing to other people, and cut her off from your confidence.

The next time she starts to gossip about another friend, cut her off right away and say something like, "Jenny, if Sally wanted me to know this, don't you think she'd tell me herself? This is private information and not yours to be sharing. Let's change the subject." I hate gossip and frequently tell people that what they are trying to tell me is not for my ears.

ETA: The only person I spill my guts to is my sister. I know that she is a vault, with the exception of her husband, who I know she will probably tell if she is trying to help me discern something and needs input. That's fine with me because we both know that when we tell each other something, we are telling our husbands as well.

"Friends" sharing.....are not friends. If she talks about everyone else, she talks about you. You asking someone else, makes you no different than she. Cut this "friend" loose.

"Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people."

If she passes the time talking to you about others, stop confiding in her because she is most certainly using your confidences as conversation fodder with others.

I would just not trust her anymore to talk to her if you're concerned. Talk to other friends about things if you have any doubts.

I suggest that you talk directly with this friend. Tell her your concerns. Let her know you're uncomfortable hearing about mutual friends from her. Suggest it's gossip and hurtful. Ask her to stop doing this. Tell her you assume she's done the same with your information. Tell her that you're thinking it's best for you to no longer share personal stuff. Then, depending on her reaction, continue to be friends but don't talk about anything you don't wish others to know. She's proven to be unreliable.

I would assume she's shared what you've told her since she's sharing what two other friends have told her. Don't set her up to lie by asking if she has. Be calm, concerned, and not accusatory. State what you know to have happened and how you feel about it.

It's always best to go directly to the person with whom you have doubts. Don't put another friend on the spot by putting her in the middle.

After reading Gamma G's post I wonder if it's possible that she's sharing this with you because you are good friends and she's sharing her concern. I do have a couple of specific friends with whom I share my concerns about other friends in a concerned and caring way. We give each other ideas of how to help. Or we support each other in our concern.

Mostly, I'm sharing about friends that these friends only superficially know. They don't see them and so don't feel uncomfortable knowing things. I find talking about my concerns helpful for me. Doing so is a part of my support system.

And I don't add a do not tell caviat to my words. It would be OK for them to mention it to the person about whom I'm talking. And it's understood that I'm not gossiping. I'm asking for support.

I discovered this myself and was very devistated that my good friend would do that to me!! When I needed her most she turned her back on me!! When you go through something major in your life you sure find out who your friends are. I discovered that she caused a lot of my problems between my boyfriend and I and we broke up because of it. I was going to her with my issues and she was complaining behind my back and saying the opposite of what she was telling me. She was my only friend that I trusted and to find out that she betrayed me was very upsetting. One of the things that I had to learn is-if someone will gossip about other people then they will gossip about you! She might not be doing it intentionally but there are lessens to learn from that. I'm sorry to hear that this is happening to you. This will be the time that you will find your true friends.

I say let her find out that you've been asking around. Maybe she'll think twice about what she talks about in the presence of others.