Need Advice - Saint Charles,IL

Dear V., brace yourself, for what i'm about to tell you!!! There is something terribly wrong!! Your baby girl is deeply afraid of someone or something. You are her mother and it's your job to protect her at all cost, repeat at all cost!!!! When my baby girl was about your baby girl's age. My husband and i had a similar problem with our baby. We didn't know what was going on. Until she ended up with a terrible rash. She had just begun to really start to talk. Her daddy started to change her diaper and she was red, very red. Her dad immediately called me and asked what was wrong with her and i didn't know because she had been playing with her brother's in their room. When her daddy asked her who touched her there to our horror she said her brother. I took my baby immediately to the dr. They called dcfs on me. I thought they were going to take my baby away from me. Come to find out that my 8 yr old had been touching her and his younger brother as well. To the point that one night as i was putting them to bed my youngest son being to cry uncontrolably and said that he didn't want to sleep in his room anymore for fear of what his brother was going to do to him. My heart was broken into a thousand pieces. Dcfs said that if i wanted to be allowed to keep my babies. I could not allow a predator to be living in the home, so i had to choose. I managed to keep all my children, but had to go through some very trying situations. Right now the one who was hurting the others is 15 and i don't trust him at all, he's always in trouble. So, don't be like me living in fear. Always wondering and worrying!! Protect her at all cost and don't worry about what you might lose.

Be safe and keep her safe! A loving mother who almost lost everything!

Hi V.,

I've been reading a book on behavior and discipline called 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas Phelan PhD. The title is a little cheesy but I've really found the program to be helpful with my daughter. My brother is using the program too, and its working for his daughter as well. Neither one of our kids had serious behavior issues, just the normal annoying stuff, like you've described. It's a very sensible, no-nonsense approach to all kinds of behavior issues and really recommend it. It's a good read for any parent.

Like the other moms, I can't help with your five-year-old; sorry! But we have just gone through this with our 17-month-old. Turns out the problem was both eye teeth coming in on top. Could that be it? Good luck.

Hi V.-
Have an immediate consequence for your 5 yr old. If you ask her to do something and she ignores you, or refuses.... immediately put her in her time out "chair" or take away what ever she is playing with at the time. If you are in the grocery store start with telling her if she listens to you the whole time you are in there she can get a "gum ball" when you are leaving. If she doesn't listen one time immediately let her know she has lost her reward. I have learned after raising one that would describe a lot like your little girl that is about not giving them the chance to "make their own choices" as far as what they are told by adults. When she is in her "time out chair" and has done her time before she gets up just remind her that she is to respect authority figures that tell her to do something and that it is the same as an adult you still have to listen to your superiors/elders. Believe me after a while (a month) of IMMEDIATE consequences she will realize you mean business and it will sink in :o) As far as your 18 month old....it will pass. Separation anxiety is VERY common about that age. Hang in there!! GOOD LUCK!!! P.S. I agree 123 MAgic is a GREAT book!! K.

I'd love to help with your 5 year old, but I can't since I am in the same boat! I was hoping to read some advice here. I have 5 y/o twins (will be 6 in Nov). My daughter is far worse with the 'attitude', not listening, etc than my son. It is driving me batty.
I am sure they are just developing thier independence more & testing the boundaries.

Your little one is probably trying to establish some control too. I had a crib tent for my youngest at about 18 mos & honestly, I had to just let her cry it out(yes in the middle of the night, yuck). After the first few times when I would go in there & realized there was nothing really wrong, I had to do it for my sanity.....even though the crying was not fun. She got over it & started sleeping just fine again. I know CIO is not for everyone, but that helped here.

SAHM to 5y/o twins & a 3 y/o

In my humble opinion the five year old thinks she is the boss and has no respect for you. She is five and can't be reasoned with. No amount of talking is going to convince her that you are the mom and know what's best. James Dobson has a good book on the Strong Willed Child. I strongly recommend it...before it is too late.

The little one is going through a phase and if you just keep laying her back in her bed she will eventually just sleep. It may take awhile, but she will learn to sleep again. She may be cutting a tooth or going through a growth spurt that is making her achey. It will pass.

Good luck and sleep fast whenever you can. I've been there (have a five month old so I know) Yawn!!!

hi my girls are pretty close in age to yours and i have dealt with the same issues. my 5 year old has been testing me lately and with all that you have going on it is so frustrating. i am consistent with my discipline i give them rewards for good behavior that seems to help. try to catch her doing something you like and make a big deal about it. i do think they need consequences too. find something to take away a favorite toy, tv time, outdoor time and stay consistent with it. it wont take long if you are consistent and not emotional. you also need to remember (as do i) that she is still little and wants mom time that she may be missing due to the younger sibling. try to carve out some big girl time with the two of you. when the little one is napping or whenever you can. i hope that helps because there are days around here that i think if she is like this now what am i going to do when she is a teenager!
as for the little one could she be getting molars? even before they break they are painful and mine had a hard time sleeping and then we saw that was why. maybe tylenol will help? good luck.

Hi V.....I can't help with the 5 year old as I am not there yet. But daughter is 19 months and went through that exact thing about a month ago. Not sure what caused it...but it took a couple nights of rocking her for a while before she went to down. I even layed down with her when she woke up in the middle of the night. It was hard and frustrating (esp since I was 7 months pregnant)...but it did pass. Now I make sure we cuddle for at least 15 min before she goes to bed and now goes down with no problems.

not knowing what is actually happening in your house, my first guess is that your 5yr old knows you're not consistant with your follow through disapline and knows she'll eventually get what she wants so instead of going through the hassle of arguing or begging or whatever. She's decided that there will be no punishment so why not do what she wants from the start.
Is your little one cutting teeth?

Time for some tough love. You really need to find out what her currency is and be prepared to take it away when she acts out (a toy, tv time, playing outside with friends). If she has a tantrum, set her in her timeout area, then you walk away, ignore her and don't respond to her at all until she calms down and apologizes for actions. Everytime she gets out of timeout, put her back and say "When you apologize, you can come out and then you can do something to earn your toy back". If she runs up to you and starts hitting or screaming, just gently carry her back, sit her down say "now you need to apologize for hitting me" and go about your business. No eye contact, nothing until she is settled down. Don't even say calm down, just ignore her. If she starts to throw things, bend down to her level, gently grab both arms, look her in the eye and sternly say "We don't throw things", and set her back into time out. When and only when she is calm, walk up to her to see if she'll apologize. If not walk away. When and only when she apologizes nicely, give her a hug and have her do something to earn her "currency" back--clean up any mess she made during her tantrum, clean her toys up, windex windows, clean toilets, etc. If she says she wants it now, say "when you do ..., you can have your toy back" and keep repeating those words and say nothing else everytime she says she wants it back until the chore is done. Don't let her do anything else until she does what you want her to. If she doesn't, then keep sitting her in timeout. It is going to take alot of strenth and willpower on your part, so don't start until a day you don't have anything going so you don't feel compelled to give in when it's time to leave. And in public, NEVER respond to a tantrum. Pick her up and leave or just keep shopping and forget about what other people might think. Both of my sons had 3 public tantrum between them. I ignored them the whole time and went about my shopping. They learned it didn't get them anywhere so they stopped trying it. Now that they are a little older (5 & 8) and they start to challenge me I ask them "Has arguing ever worked for you?" Usually that stops it right there. I also tend to say "Don't start a fight with me, because if you do, I promise you will lose. If you want something, tell me why you deserve it and then we will talk about it." Then they come up with why the deserve whatever and I typically tell them that they should do certain things to earn it.

Too often parents try to negotiate and too easily give in. It's going to be tough at first, but you have to stand up to her or she will continue to walk all over you. They do what they do to get attention, if it is completely ignored they stop. The most important thing to remember is to NEVER start a battle unless you are sure you have the strength to win it. Dig in your heels and be tough!

Try empoweringparents.com for some other great advice!

Good luck!

I cannot control whether someone shows me respect or not. What I am in control of is how much respect I show others and it naturally follows the respect shown to me comes back in proportion to what I offer. A cheap imitation of respect can sometimes be coerced through punishment but the real thing only happens in the context of mutual respect and trust.

Instead of focusing on how to get your daughter to show more respect, ask yourself "how can I show more respect for my daughter?" Showing respect can mean seeing her in a positive light/giving the benefit of the doubt, looking for the needs underlying her behavior, give positive direction instead of what not to do, treating her in ways you'd like to be treated (for example, when your husband or someone asks you to do something for them, how do you like to be asked? And do you appreciate it when whatever activity you're currently engaged in is acknowledged and you can agree to do it later if it's not urgent?). It's amazing how many parents feel their children aren't deserving of these basic relational courtesies.

You've gotten plenty of advice on how to "control" your "manipulative" child. Choose to see your daughter as a fellow human being trying to learn how to be in the world and doing the best she can at all times. Tell a beautiful story about her and your relationship with her, make lists of her positive aspects and your positive intentions for your relationship. Seek and model Joy, Respect, Trust and Peace in your interactions with her and I guarantee she will reflect those right back to you.

You are right that you must get ahold of your 5 year old now or it will only get worse. There are many ways of aproaching the issue. Since you know your daughter best, I will just make some suggestions. A key is to not get pulled into a power struggle. Just make the reward or punishment known and then stick to your guns.

For instance, I was having trouble with my 4 year old arguing me. I put ten mini-m&m's in a cup at the begining of the day. i told her that when she started argueing I would say "stop your words". If she say another word (other than "that makes me feel..") I would take one m&m away. After dinner she could have any m&m's that were left. This would work for different behaviors too. Just make sure you pick one specific behavior that you want to work on and focus on that one thing for about a week.

Another thing is the punishment side. I have used both spanking and time outs. However, I make sure to administer the spanking when I am calm enough, and explain why first, and then go through her saying she's sorry and me forgiving her.

For time outs, it is important that it is long enoug to matter. At times it was way more than the 1 minute for every year rule. Also make sure there is not a power struggle through the time out. If she won't sit in the time out, get a high chair or car seat to buckle her in, a pack and play worked well for this when they were younger. Having her in a different room often works best. After time out I always have my kids say "I'm sorry, will you please forgive me". If they won't say it, they are not really sorry and need to be in time out longer. So it might look like this... 5-10 minute time out, ask for an apology, they say no, I leave the room again for 3-10 minutes, ask for apology, they say no, I leave for 5-10 minutes, etc. You are not pleading for an apology, don't let this become a power struggle.

Other things are grounding toys, taking priveledges away, adding more schedule to your day, etc, There is a book called "Creative Disipline". It's for a bit older kids, and I don't recommend all the aproaches, but it might give you some good ideas.

I've gotta run, but if you'd like to talk more, just email me.

C.

Be firm, but loving with your 5 year old. You are raising your child to eventually live in the real world with lots of other adults (teachers, bosses, etc.) who are going to expect her to do as she is told without the lip. They're not going to put up with it and it will be reflected in her grades, job performance, etc. It is your responsibility to help her learn how to do this now, rather than later. If you don't, you will cause her greater problems down the road--school, employment, etc. Remember this when you are tempted to think this isn't a big deal and she's only five.

Be consistent with discipline. IF you say it, DO IT! Don't warn or threaten. To use a sports metaphor, when she misbehaves, blow the whistle and through the flag immediately and then enforce the penalty. Don't listen to excuses or explanations. Don't debate the penalty. Just DO IT! Whenever or whatever it is, don't back down.

Kids will live up or down to your expectations. SO, raise your expectations. Tell her she can behave like a loving and respectful child should and then require her to live that way. You will be doing her a great service in the long run.

Get a book called Love and Logic, by Jim Faye. It will change your entire family for the better. As for you 18 month old, she is in need of mommy comfort. Don't do the Thurber method, he he has come out against it. We are the only nation in the world who thinks it is okay for our babies to cry themselves to sleep. Good luck.

I also can't really help with the issue with the 5 year old since I've never experienced that, but I have heard that separation anxiety is very common around 18 months. My best friend said her daughter never had any issues sleeping through the night when she was a baby, but once she was around that age, she started waking during the night. It will pass and she'll be sleeping again soon enough.