My 3 Years Boy

Listen to Peg, below.

And my advice is to stop spending so much time worrying about disciplining him and have more fun with him. Instead of spending 30 minutes trying to put him in time out, spend 30 minutes coloring, or doing a board game, or going for a walk with him. Or doing any other fun thing you can think of.

You are bigger than he is.
I think he needs to learn not to hit you
before you can attempt to enforce sitting in a time-out.
It's good that you can keep your voice calm;
I'm sure I wouldn't be able to.

Is he old enough to have a conversation with
at a time when no one is upset,
when you're not attempting to discipline him?

Can you explain to him what the rules are
and why you need him to obey the rules?
Before you can do this, you'll need
to decide for yourself what the rules are.
For example, from now on there will be no hitting.

I think I'll stop here and see what some other moms say.

Every child is different, and time-outs just don't work for some kids. When used, the ideal is not to punish, but to give the child a chance to reset his emotions if he's upset and acting out, or to consider why certain behavior isn't acceptable.

With that in mind, some parents and child psychologists believe that there's nothing to be gained, and a great deal to lose, by a "punitive" approach. Especially if it turns into an extended struggle, with the child repeatedly escaping and the parent repeatedly dragging the child back to the time-out spot and starting the clock again. This becomes terribly hard on both the child and the parent, and since the idea is to help the child understand self-control and find calming alternatives to his behavior, what's the point? Both parties end up furious, upset, and often raging or crying – about the punishment, and the original misbehavior is completely forgotten.

Once the whole affair becomes a battle of wills, the parent, understandably, thinks she MUST win, and the only way to accomplish that is emotional and physical force. A child who's just beginning to understand himself as a separate being with separate desires and motives is understandably confused and frustrated by a setup that seems to set his parents against his most basic needs. One very legitimate need is respect for the child's autonomy. The same thing can happen when we start taking away toys or privileges if the child does not see a connection between the punishment and the misdemeanor. The resulting antagonistic relationship is sad, confusing for both parties, and unnecessary.

A child does not come equipped to understand his own feelings and needs, and benefits from parents modeling positive ways to get these basic needs met. This means communication, consisting of a clear expression of the parents' feelings, and clear acknowledgement of the child's perceived needs, and a respectful attempt to find acceptable alternatives.

Consider this: kids have the same kinds of feelings as adults, only magnified. If a grownup were punished by her boss through force, or shaming, or scolding, or isolation for doing something that seemed like the most normal thing to do under the circumstances (or failing to do something that was still outside her range of experience and choice), she would rightfully feel outraged at worst, or at least confused, hurt and confounded. It would work better for everyone if the boss explained clearly what he expected, and ideally showed how it was done. With a child, it's necessary to be consistent and show the alternative again and again, because little kids just won't learn it the first dozen times. That doesn't mean that they can't learn, or don't want to learn, or would prefer to disobey. Cooperation is a gradually-learned skill. And kids do learn it, possibly even faster when their parents do their best to cooperate with the child's needs.

Many parents require the child to apologize after a misdemeanor. I personally think this is teaching the child to tell a convenient lie so he can get back to his play. It is fine, however, to model, early and often, the civilized art of apology. Just as with any other courtesy, children learn best by seeing, hearing, and receiving those courtesies.

Here are two related approaches many young families I know find to be sane, compassionate, encouraging and positive. For younger children, I'm impressed by the approach used by Dr. Harvey Karp in The Happiest Toddler on the Block. You can find a whole set of videos and interviews on this in youtube if you'd like to see this alternative in action. Here's one for starters; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ1428uYs2g&NR=1&a.... .

For more verbal kids, I can't recommend strongly enough the wonderful book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, in a clear, easy-to-read cartoon format. Though it's non-punitive (in the forceful sense), this is not parent-as-pushover stuff. You'll be glad you tried this approach!

Dear E.:

Three year old boys can still be in the stage where they are testing the limits of approved behavior. I am not sure why you want to put him in "time out" but it is always preferable to avoid the need for punishment rather than trying to deal with the punishment itself. Children do not actually learn much from punishment.

As to his hitting you. He should not be hitting. I am assuming that you are bigger and stronger than he is so it is easy for you to take his hands and hold them and tell him that "We do not hit people in our family" "no hitting" "Use your words if you are trying to tell me something" positive communication is better than a lot of "no's"

The reaction to bad behavior should be related to the actual behavior. If he throws a toy or makes a mess he should have those items removed from his sight and not be available for future outbursts. There should be a place in the house where he cannot actually retrieve those toys or other desired objects for a certain time period.

The purpose of time out is to get the child to calm down and interrupt the behavior and have a chance to think about it. The time should be one minute for the age of the child, so his time outs should only be 3 minutes. Time outs should not be overdone. They don't work well if they keep reoccurring.

Your son wants to do the right thing and to have his parents approve of him and love him and want to be around him. You can tell him that hitting hurts and you don't like it. He needs help in having the correct words so you can suggest what he might say instead of engaging in inappropriate behavior..

Be creative and positive and loving and you will get through this stage as long as you help your son to be the good boy he wants to be..Blessings and good luck to you both!!

N.

Be firm. Be consistent. He sounds like he's pushing boundaries to see what he can get away with. If he keeps getting up from time-out, firmly put him back (and keep doing so) until he stays for how long you want him to. He will eventually get that you mean business, but it may take awhile.

It sounds like you are needing to learn to be more creative than having a 'time out' for your son. It may not sound like I'm suggesting anything different, but sometimes a different title for the same thing gets better results. For instance, you probably want him to take a little time to sit quietly and reflect on whatever it is he's done that is not appropriate. So what you do is take him by the hand and lead him to a chair, or wherever you want him to sit. As you do so, tell him calmly that he needs to take a little time to calm down and as soon as he's calm and ready, you'll discuss with him the thing he did wrong. Try to put it on him to let you know when he's ready... and do NOT get involved with something else while you're waiting for him. You may appear to be doing something else, but be sure your real attention is on him and how he's calming down. As soon as he says he's ready to talk, go over with him why you had him sit out, and how he might deal with the same situation in the future so as to avoid having to sit out again.
Above all, don't get the mistaken idea that you can do this routine once or twice during a day and the boy will have learned. At the age of three, you can expect to have to go through a similar routine several times a day... up to at least once an hour! There is just so much that they are needing to learn, and it's almost overwhelming for them. Time out shouldn't be punishment, but rather should be a learning experience. It may be a learning experience as much for you as it is for him. There are a few words we need to eliminate from our vocabulary in order to help us deal with small children. "Time-out" is one. "Nap" is another. Instead, use the idea that a child needs to sit and calm down... and for "nap" use a word such as "rest" (the difference being that "rest" doesn't necessarily suggest sleep, but "nap" does.)
And definitely eliminate the idea that your son can hit you. Do hold onto his hands preventing him from hitting you while you tel lhim that is definitely NOT allowed. Be firm but, as much as possible, without anger when you tell him that. You might even say something to the effect that you aren't allowed to hit him and he isn't allowed to hit you either.

You CANNOT allow a child to hit you, and you cannot reason with a three year old. Next time he won't do as you ask, tell him that he will have to go to his room until he is ready to do what he is told. Then take him by the arm, or the shoulder, or pick him up and carry him, if necessary, into his room. Close the door firmly, and tell him when he is ready to do what he is told, he can ask you for permission to come out. Don't engage in talking and reasoning and arguing and pleading. Lock his door, if necessary, and if he wants to have a tantrum, let him. Don't check on him, or call to him, to ask him if he is ready to do as he is told yet. Just wait until he is ready to do what you asked him. Then let him out, and let him do as you asked --- and don't "follow up" by lecturing him or scolding him. Just go on about your day, and try to have a pleasant time with him.

Hi E.
I have a three year old boy as well so I know what you are talking about.
Strict and strong.Firm but fair.Loving and Kind.Fun but be the boss.Lots of praise.Follow routine. These are some of the things I try to be with my son.I think at this age they need to know who is the boss.It's YOU and not him.My son would rule our house with "an iron fist"LOL if he had his way.
I try to be very relaxed and happy with my son but there is lines he cannot cross and I am on him if he still continues after one warning.
I use time out where he goes into the hall way for 3mins. I hold the door shut and will not let him back in. At times he will try to kick the door and scream etc but I do not give into him under any circumstances.
I let him there for three minutes,get him to come in to say sorry.If he refuses or tries to hit me(has happened on many occasions) then he is back out for another three minutes. This continues until he apologies.
When we first started this it was a battle but because I didnt give in , mostly now all I have to do is to threaten time out and this seems to be enough.
Talking and explaining to him is also good.Tell him -"under no circumstances" will you accept him hitting you or anyone else.If you don't nip this in the bud it could lead to you getting phonecalls from his school etc.for him hitting and bullying other children.
I know we all want to be loving ,kind parents,which I am the majority of the time but I think children need boundaries.If you give them this they will respect you in the long run.Now is the time to sort this as it's not a nice atmosphere in the house with a "brat"running around.
Wishing you all the best with this.
From one Mom to another
B.

E., I have to say as the mother of 5, that it always amazes me when a parent lets the child be incharge! He is only 3 and is not able to be rational becasue you have not taught him the skills.
I have had a Day Care for several years and see parents that come in an dthe child changes personality and is a brat- I will count to 3 and then they stop in thier tracks-Why? becaseu tey have learned here that I am in charge not them and that if I say something I mean it. What if he was doing something harmful? Well hitting you is totally unacceptable and harmful. I can say that I am fortunet as I have found ways to do things with out spanking but it sounds like your child needs a swat on the bottom and then when you have gotten his attention then without any negotiation put him in time out.
We have 2 ways to do it here-- I count to 3 never any higher and the children will generally say 4-5 or why can't you count more but I only do to 3 and then its time out but the countig is enough of a warning to say I am not pleased. I have a stair case the more introuble you are the higher one has to sit on the stairs. As a rule the don't have to go up to very high but they do know that it is serious. If its not a serous matter then we have a special chair that has a built in lamp and odd things on it and they have to sit there. Since I have 5 of my own and then have had as many as 9 young children I have learned to make the rules and they have to stick with them. Again parents are often surprised when their child misbeaves at pick up and all I do is start counting and they stop and say sorry. Be the tough guy with a loving hand and remember that you are the parent not him-- if the future if you don't have it undercontrol as a teen you will have a major problem. Good Luck