My soon to be mother in law was incharge of my children while my fiance and I were involved in moving. We have been having problems with her with respect to our up coming wedding. She has been a major problem for me but I never thought for a moment she would attack my children.
Heres what happened, my son is special needs, very high functioning but at 7 years old he has a condition that causes him to leak from his bowel. This does not happen everyday, but at times of great anxiety such as this move it can occur without warning.
She decided that instead of cleaning him up she was going to let him sit in his mess all day. When he finally was sick of sitting in it he removed his underwear in her basement and left his other clothing on.
She does not seem to understand that this treatment is wrong. In fact she came over to our new home while my mom was watching the children and demanded to speak to my son and tell him that he had to respect her,. She found his dirty underwear in her basement and was mad that he didnt try to hide it from her. (don't know why that would make someone mad but it did).
At this point I have ceased all contact with her and she acts astonished by this.
What should I do, does anyone have experience with this?
So this is what we have decided to do. My FH and I are going to counseling to figure out the best way to deal with this situation. I want you all to know that my FH is an amazing father to both of my children as far as they are concerned, he is their dad. He is just as upset at his mothers behavior as I am. He is worried about our son and how he was treated.
I will let everyone know how conseling goes and will update any solution that may help another mom in the same postion.
Thank you to everyone for all of your concern and great ideas and tips.
This is a great way to get so many different opinions.
Hey- First of all tell your fiance if his mother keeps on mistreating your child, you will not get married. Imagine years from now after the wedding, your and your husband go to work and your mother in law stays with the child and mistreates him. think about your son before yourself.
That is just terrible.
Definitely work through your fiance. He needs to make it clear to her that what she did is like making a sick child sit in their vomit-covered clothes all day. Or leaving an incontinent, immobile adult in their poopy Depends all day. Cruel and wrong.
The fact that she came over and demanded that he treat HER with respect tells me she's not likely to see it that way.
I guess I would want to be there to see for myself whether she understood/agreed or whether she was still defensive over it. If she's still defensive, I don't think I'd let her be alone with him. Ever again. You can tell her that it's clear that his special needs demand more than she can give, whatever you want to in order to keep the peace (which it does seem is part of the problem).
Oh WOW! I just felt sick to my stomach reading this! She made him keep his underwear on as punishment? That is absolutely horrible! I would NEVER allow anyone to treat my kids like that especially since he has that condition (my niece does also). You have the power and control to decide whether or not she will be alone with your child again! Have your fiancé talk with her and set her straight!
He hid his underwear from her because he was terrified. Poor guy!
Give your son a big hug from me!
Don't ever let her watch your son again. And don't let her see him if she's going to berate him.
When you say MY children, this means that these are NOT your finances children. Therefore, future MIL is not their grandmother. If she has a problem with you, what would make you think that she doesn't have a problem with your children. Although there is absolutely no excuse for what she did, it's obvious she is not capable of taking care of your child.
If she was watching your child, then she would know of his medical situation and how to handle it. Since she didn't she obviously should not be watching your children. But why did you cease contact with her? Why didn't you discuss the situation with her? Where does your fiance stand on this issue?
I think it's time for your fiance to sit down with mother and have a serious conversation about your family dynamics and what the future will bring. Have you thought about what will happen if you and your fiance decide to have a child together? Is your fiance ready to cut her off, so to speak (you won't be spending holidays with her, you can't trust her with the kids, etc)? These issues should be settled before the wedding.
I would invite her over for a sit down with rules. Your future husband needs to be there for this. Rules-no yelling, talking over the other person and the person who is supposed to be listening needs to repeat in their own words what they heard so the speaker can be sure they were heard and understood and if necessary use an item to be passed to the speaker to make sure no one else speaks while the other is talking. Explain his problems to her, tell her the kind of future relationship you would like to see with both you and your son and at this meet don't give utimatums but just expectations and at the end of it ask her if she can handle the boundaries and to think about it and let you know. You will have accomplished showing her your are a mature person,capable Mom and given her the opportunity to explain where she is coming from. Also remember she parented your future husband so you may also want to talk to him and find out where he stands in how a child should be raised to make sure before you say I do that you are both on the same page.
I'm glad that you decided to go to counseling. I think that your son will learn a mature way to handle the situation and I hope your MIL can become a caring and important part of your family. Maybe she has some underlying concerns about your wedding. Otherwise, you are in for years of conflict. I agree with the advice that you should take your MIL to the dr. and have him/her explain the condition so it is not a question of a battle of wills between the MIL and your son. That will certainly make him more anxious leading to more accidents and a vicious cycle will continue.
So sorry for you and your poor son. Does MIL to be know he has a condition?? does she really understand that these things happen to him. If she does then shame on her! If she doesn't then I would print out what his diagnoses is so she will understand. You know what I would do that anyway! With a letter on how up set you are at his treatment. That it hurts you when your loved ones are mistreated.
Good Luck!!
Oh dear, I 'm so so so sorry for what she put your son through and I don't blame you for being so upset. Who wouldn't be?
I guess the task is to find a way to have peace and harmony for the rest of your life. What will happen when you and your FH have children together? Will your present children not be allowed contact? Will the new ones not know gma?
It's a hard situation. I would guess that she has NO CLUE how to be respectful and nurturing to your child (Seriously, what she did was terrible!) and needs to be taught. The only way a person will be receptive to teaching is if it is done with respect for her ability to understand and do it right. Is it possible that you can invite her to joiin you for a session with a therapist, so that she can have her questions answered and an expert who is not emotionally involved can help? Maybe if she goes to a support group she can see how other parents deal with these issues? She seems like she just is clueless and needs to be taught. Are there parenting classes for families who have children with the same issues as your child?
I think the best tactic is to calmly and compassionately -- and I know that part will be hard, but this is for the best -- talk to her about why you were upset and tell her that this is a learning curve for her and based on your child's needs, you think she handled it incorrectly. Tell her that you have made mistakes, too, and you don't blame her. She was trying her best. -- grit your teeth if you have to and say that-- and you'd like to invite her to be a part of the navigation process of raising your child. Then invite her to a learning experience of some sort.
I'm so sorry she did this. It is sooooooooooo wrong. I hope your family can find harmony and peace for the future.
Hi Amanda,
I had a similar problem with my mother in law. She would try to control my children and would make rude comments on our parenting skills Dont tell her yourself. She may not listen to you .Your husband needs to put an end to this now! Its his mother and she needs to respect all of you. If she cant be supportive of your childs condition, then she shouldnt be allowed to visit or be around. You cant let her interfere in your family life because she will continue into other areas of your life. My mother in law got so out of hand that we had to sit her down and laid out the laws. She was very upset but now thinks twice about anything she says.
i think she felt that she couldn't get to you so she used your son! and under no circumstances should he be left with her again, who's to say that after your FH sets her strait she lets this be forgotten about and she does something worse! clearly she doesn't like you and she will do anything to change your mind about your future plans with "her" son!!! and by her being astonished do you think she thinks what she done was wrong? in my opinion most likely not! letting a child sit in his own feces is not punishment it is cruelty! and the fact that she demanded respect from him is beyond me, what about her respect for him and his condition?!!!!
Oh wow, what a horrible woman. I say that on first impression. Maybe she doesn't know any better? I'd like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but if she is intentionally cruel to your son... that's just wrong. Can your fiance talk to her?
Counseling is fine, but I hope you are not leaving your son with this woman in the meantime! Your son comes first. If MIL can get her act together, then she can participate again but not until then.
It sounds like your MIL is a hateful person all around. If she's receptive to the idea of meeting with your son's physician to fully understand his condition and what the appropriate response would be, I guess that would be one route. But if it were me, I'd write her off completely and let my FH know that if we get married, it's because we've chosen to be a family and that our family comes first. So I really hope he supports you in how you choose to deal with your MIL. If he sides with her, you're in for many many years of anger. Stick to your guns and find an alternative sitter for those times you can't be with the kids. Best of luck!
Hi I don't know what he has but if he has it more with anxiety it could be Irritable bowel syndrome IBS. Talk to your Doctor about probiotics to help regulate his digestive sytem. Mother in laws are hard to deal with, you marry the guy and now your married to people you don't even know. Don't let your son be by her there is no reason for it, he probably felt her dislike for him or the situation and got uncomfortable and got nervous and ill. Anyway take care. A.. Google probiotics very interesting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just want to say that is great news! I read your post the other day & did not respond after I read the others. I simply felt the same as they did. Please do keep us posted . Best of luck!
This is absolutely unacceptable. She should never be able to care for your children again. She is destroying their self-esteem and adding to their anxiety, while modeling completely demeaning, abusive and cruel behavior. Your son needs to know that her behavior is completely unacceptable and that he is not at fault. In addition, I would resolve this prior to the wedding. As another post indicated, you do not want to look back and regret your actions in the years to come.
