Enough Is Enough. - Valdosta,GA

You have to decide what it's worth to you.

It could be that people are comfortable with the passive aggressive stance that they are taking (hating the behavior, not confronting, talking about it afterward). If you do speak up, you have to prepare for shock and maybe some anger that you would rock the boat.

It could be that you do not fit in. I married into a family with that kind of dynamic. That was not going to fly with me. You understand this is the way they handle anger. I hate passive aggressive behavior. You may want to bow out now. I did not. Yes, there were times of sharp conflict and uncomfortable silences. But in general, we found a place we could live with each other.

In fact, the one I had the biggest conflict with, became a great inlaw. The one who could only say good things to my face and talk about me behind my back, became the very worst kind of inlaw. So, you never know.

Me? I'd have to shake things up before I jumped in to marriage.

You're bothered my a girl not related to a guy you're not married to?
The world has bigger problems.
If she isn't going anywhere and you are planning on staying you better figure this out. Creating more friction isn't the answer. Sometimes taking the high road is great option.

She is the mother of your fiances grandchildren and always will be. Even if this couple were to split in the future, She holds the cards.

He in no way wants to rock the boat and end up not being able to see his grandchildren or for them to not feel welcome in his home.

And so it will be up to you to decide. Is she worth losing this man that you love, or is this going to be a contest where you make him choose between you and his family?

I know this is very difficult, but if you make him choose, be prepared for his answer either way.

I have learned that the nicer I am to the people that drive me insane, the better I feel knowing it is not me that is the one with the problem. I can always say, "Hey, I was always very nice, I did everything I could to help, support and put up with this person.. "

Oh jeez. Let it go and live your own life. Enjoy the grandbaby and accept her for the person she is. And it's no one's business if THEY chose to elope. So she (and he) decided to save $20,000 and a bunch of hassle by not having a wedding. Why do you think that anyone has a right to be angry about that?

She's not your business, she's not your fiance's business. And you would seriously break up with your fiance over his DIL? Sorry, but you sound like more of the problem than she is.

As Jim says, the world has bigger problems.

You say you would never come between your fiance and his son? Then get off your fiance's back about his DIL.

I would decide if this is a deal-breaker for me . . . and then go from there.

I would not count on changing her or my fiance.

I would also consider the possibility that everyone appeases her so that they can have access to the son and any grand-children involved. Most women set the tone for how much family is seen or not seen.

Most of all, if I was going to stick around then I would not make waves for my (future) husband and his son. Peace goes a LONG way. Most men prefer peace on the home front.

Good luck.

I think you should stay out of it. She's not a direct relative of yours and no matter what you say, you won't changer her. All you will do is create more drama and it will affect your marriage. Minimize your contact with her.

Wow--sure you want to commit to being around the situation for the rest of your life?

I guess "get along or move along" is my advice.

You can't change people. Not her, not your fiancé, not his son.
All you can do is change yourself & your behavior.

Good luck!

5 years is a long time. she's not going to change, and your 'standing up to her' will certainly be perceived as aggressive and combative.
that's not necessarily a bad thing. sometimes it's worth it to take a stand. i had a years-long rift with a SIL and was fine with it (it eventually resolved), but the big BIG difference is that my husband was fine with it too.
if your fiance doesn't have your back in this matter, you're just going to become even more of The Villain.
so you need to decide what it's worth to you.
if you can arrange it so you're rarely around her, it's probably not a big deal to roll your eyes and put up with her rudeness a few times a year. if you and your family see hers a couple of times a month, you and your fiance need to have a deep and meaningful conversation about what your expectations are. you can decide from there if you can continue in this relationship or not.
i find it a little odd that you're thinking of breaking up with him over a DIL. however, a man's refusal to hear me and respect my POV would probably be a dealbreaker.
khairete
S.

If this has been going on for 5 years - it's not going to change and you can't change it.
'Standing up to her' will just make you as rude as she is.
Is that really a goal of yours?
The DIL is married to his son and is family - how the son and his wife get along is what's important.
Apparently your fiance values his son's happiness over your happiness.
As a fiance, you're not official family till you are married - in the pecking order she outranks you.
Either accept the situation as it is or reconsider why you are engaged to someone who doesn't agree with you and won't back you up.

My suggestion is stay calm and polite but keep your distance. If she becomes rude to you directly then you can say something to her then - just do it calmly and politely, something like " Excuse me? Could you repeat that I don't think I heard you correctly " If she interrupts you then keep talking or stop look right at her and when she is done say " Can I finish my sentence now or do you need more time to speak without being interrupted? " Always say it with a smile.

How often do you even need to see her? You don't get to pick who your daughters/sons in law are (you sort of do because you are marrying in late) and generally you just have to suck it up because it is about your child's happiness. So you see her at family functions and act polite. Otherwise, stay out of the gossip and certainly don't talk about her yourself.

What do you hope to have happen when you stand up to her? If you're thinking she will change know that she won't. I suggest that standing up to her will only cause bad feelings. Seems like others have learned how to get along with her so that when you create bad feelings they are apt to be upset with you. Since your fiance defends her I suggest that this action on your part will upset your relationship with him. I see nothing good coming from it.

You can't change her or get others on your side. But you can learn to accept her as she is. You can have boundaries so that you're irritated less often. For example if you don't like keeping the grandbaby don't do it every weekend. You could also be busy in a different room, letting your fiance take the baby so you won't spend as much time with her.

Know that your fiance has to accept his dil so that he can stay on good terms with his son and grandchild. By standing up to her you may be causing him to choose peace in his family which would mean you'd have to go.

Yeah, sorry, doesn't sound like something I'd want to marry into. Especially since your fiance sounds like he doesn't respect or won't validate your feelings. That's only gonna get worse after marriage, not better.

I'm with Suz on this one.

It does seem like the focus is on the DIL and not on the lack of support you are feeling.

You do have to decide what to do-- you are right, if you marry your fiance, you will have your DIL in your life-- forever.

Is this the only area in which your fiance doesn't support you? if it's the ONLY one, I'd seriously try to find a way to be less irritated or less present when DIL is around. If you are not receiving his support in all area...? Well, do you want to continue, knowing that very rarely do people change unless they want to *for their own sake*. That is the only time lasting change happens-- when people buy into *why* changing a behavior or aspect of their personality will mean greater harmony and happiness for themselves. Other changes may be very well-intentioned but short lived. Something to consider....

You can't change people. Simple as that. So all you can do is learn to deal with this in your own head, or leave and never have to deal with it again. Either that or confront her and cause a whole lotta family drama. If I were you, I'd be leaving.

Do you really think you can change her? I think she is who she is and your fiance recognizes that she is his son's choice in a partner and accepts her as a family member. It sounds like a personality matter and thus is not likely to change. His access to his son and grandchild involve this DIL and it sounds like he makes the best of it.

What would standing up to her involve? Do you plan to confront her and demand that she change her behavior with expectations that it will actually work?

Your real choices here are to accept her as the rest of the family has apparently chosen to, create drama by demanding she change or to not to join this family.

You say you would never come between him and his son, but that is exactly what you are trying to do. The DIL controls access to his grandkids, so if he has to put up with a little attitude I am sure he is more then happy to do so. If you love this man you should have his back and support him, not expect him to hurt his relationship with his son and grandchildren because you think he should put you first. I am sorry, but as much as I love my husband, my kids will always come first, and they also come first to him, and that is how it should be! I have to ask, do you have children of your own?

To me, this is not something I would end a relationship over, especially if I was otherwise happy.

If it were me, I would just call her on any behavior directed toward me. Like a child, she will learn that her bad behavior directed to you won't be tolerated and while she'll continue with her bad behavior towards others, she will develop respect for you because you didn't let her get away with it.

She's no different than any other child - she will respect you if you demand that she respect you. Your hubby cannot get that respect for you, it's up to you.

It's hard to find mates. Now that after 5 years you are finally his fiancé, you are not gonna leave as quickly as some mamas advise. So, just know that your fiancé values his son's happiness over yours. Deal with it.

I think I'd have a serious sit down with her.

IF it ends your relationship with fiance' then perhaps it's for the best.

IF it helps her to realize she's a "B" then perhaps it will be the eye opener she needs.

IF it pisses her off to the point where she tells you off, well, she's shown her true colors and I'd say in a calm voice "Well, if you've decided that our visit isn't a way for you to realize how rude and obnoxious you are then I have no choice but to break my engagement to XXXX because I truly do not see myself being able to be around you for the rest of my life". Then pick up the phone to call fiance' and start dialing. If she allows you to make the call say something along the lines of this "XXX, I know we've discussed how rude, hateful, obnoxious your dil is and how you only put up with her to be around the kids but I have decided I can't live with that choice so I'm breaking off our engagement".

If she doesn't realize what she is doing to that family and that family does not have a huge argument over this then they are truly messed up. No one should allow another person to influence their happiness to this point. You're better off without the drama and stress.

IF she listens with her heart and makes any sort of "I didn't realize" statements then perhaps there is hope. BUT you say you don't want to be around her like this for the rest of your life.

IF you have this visit with her and your relationship ends then you've lost a lot but will be happier in the long run.

IF you have this visit with her and it makes a difference then you've helped them out.

When you feel you cannot deal with the situation rationally as an adult. It has been five years and you have seen what goes on. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this with an ulcer?

You might have to have a private chat with your fiancé outside of the house and tell him that it is not working and that you feel that you need to move on. There are other men out there that don't have these issues with family members may be you should one of them.

I am not one for walking on eggshells for someone else just to keep peace. I prefer a calmer family vibe.

Good luck to you.

the other S.

PS I agree with Nervy Girl on this one.

I am going to empathize with you here. It seems like the world is like that. There are a lot of rude people where I work, loud mouthed, nasty, etc. etc. ok, there's a lot of rude people in the world. And all of the time it's 'oh-he/she is just like that'. I have a bossy, bullying overbearing sister who pushes everyone into doing things or she says nasty things and again it's 'well, that's how she is'...If I had a stronger stomach I'd stand up to her for example but when I do she turns into a middle schooler and gangs up on me.Pulls in the troops and anihlates everyone in her path. And has done so with each person in our family. That is one example. She is in law enforcement by the way, so she uses that everytime she so fitting for her personality. In your case what I would do is if you really want to say something is start out quiet and a little subtle or perhaps with someone you feel would back you in your response. Not having an example of specifics I can only guess here. the other thing is to not attend family functions (not such a good idea) OR bring along a book or something to do and stay away from the B**** (brat of course). Life shouldn't be hard on our free time!

M.,

I'm sorry. I would NOT marry him. I would cancel the wedding and break off the relationship. PERIOD.

His son and his daughter in law mean more to him than you do. I'm sorry - but that's the way I see it. I don't know HIS side of the story. I don't know HER story either.

The people who are complaining? They need to step up and put her in her place. Why does it seem like they are afraid of her?

DO YOU REALLY WANT TO LIVE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE LIKE THIS?!?!?!? My answer would be NO if asked of me.

I would say to my fiance - I'm sorry- I deserve better in my life. Here's your ring back. I'm done. I want to be 1st place in your life and not take a back seat to your daughter in law. Have a nice life!!

Unless you are willing to put her in her place? This will be your life...do you want that?

Bringing so many families into agreement is always tough. When my x-sister in law was a mess, I said something. Not to bring light in a bad way, but I really felt she needed help. My husband and MIL defended her. I backed off and she eventually was asked to leave because she was such a mess. She was always drunk or on drugs. The bad thing about this, I was right, she was a mess and she made a mess of my nephew.

There really is only so much that can be said, but you don't have to put up with it. In my case, she was living with us and I asked when they would be moving. It really was my husbands place to ask them, but I stepped up because I knew she was doing something.

If you don't like it, don't be around her. Tell your fiance that. Let him know you will be leaving when she is around. I think it is perfectly okay to let him know you will not be putting up with it. He does it by choice and there will be other things that the two of you will disagree on. This is good to mention up front before you get married.

Well, sorry to say but what you want doesn't matter. She's the queen, no matter whose house she is in. I would have a long talk with your fiancé about this, before you stir the pot. And I'm in your corner. Who wants to live or be around people like that??