Favorites in a Combined Family

If I was you I would tell him that the wedding was off until he could show some respect to my wishes and respect my children and if you are to get married the kids become y'alls . It should be fair it doesn't do any good to give one child free run because you only see her every other week . It shows favoritism.
Plus you are right to think you boys will start to think they don't matter. Don't get me wrong you have the right to be happy but always but you kids first .Don't let him do this to you kids. I know I probably don't help much but you have to stop him from mistreating you kids its not fair to them. I hope that you find a solution and I wish you the best of luck. I have been married for ten years almost my son is not my husbands ,but he treats him like he is . My husband and I have also got two daughters together even the families of my ex and my husband treat all the kids like theirs even at Christmas . They all get the love and the respect from every one involved . Totally equal treatment . My sons dad and my husband get along and when one cant be around the other always is . I hope the best for you.

Hi
I have never been in the situation you are in but my very good friend has. I was worried about her boys to and when we talked about it she said that she had told him that from that point on he was not the parent there was raising her boys she would tell them right from wrong and if he did not agree with things she did they would have to sit down and talk about it without the kids. After about 3 month there communication was really good and he started looking and treating the kids different. It's hard to say what you should do except what id best for you kids they should always come first.I hope you find out what to do.

N.,
Sit down with your fiance if there could be some agreement of what the house rules are. The same rules need to be applied to all children when they are all together. It seems to me that his daughter is getting the "guest" treatment. That will not allow her to feel as part of the family. Maybe if you approach him is terms of what is in the best interest for his daughter, he will be more willing to hear you.

More importantly, dont let anyone be hateful to your children. If you feel that the relationship between your fiance is not a loving relationship, then what are the feelings toward you.
Can someone who truely loves you be so disrespectful to the extension of your world, your children?

Hope I can help,
M.

As a former stepchild I am going to be totally honest with you. Your boys will not understand why you let this happen they will blame you just as much as the step dad. When they grow up things may change with how they feel about you.But then again they may not. THey may decide they want to live with their dad. IS that a risk you are willing to take? YOu need to be firm with him tell him all the children are treated the same. If he still will not then you choose is it your happiness or you boys happiness?

I had the same problem and i decided that i would disipline her
since he wouldn't. I treated her just like i treated my son. She is 12 now and boy is does she know how to get what she wants. It's tough, but your kids will eventually start to see what is really going on if you do nothing. It took me telling my husband all the time that she was getting worse and he finally saw her bad behavior. He decided that he was doing more harm than good by letting her get away with everything. Stick to your guns and lay down the law when it comes to all your kids, not just yours. Good luck, it's so hard i know

I would really think before I marry this guy. Your kids would be the ones to suffer in the long run.

N.,
I understand completely where you are coming from. I have 3 boys from a previous marriage. My husband and I have been together now for a total of 6 yrs, but married only 9 months. He too was a live in fiance for a while.
My boys went back and forth between my house and their fathers, similiar to your situation. The way I delt with things was to make the communication clear between all the kids. You and your finace need to sit down and have an intimate conversation with your boys letting them know they are not loved any less than than his daughter. With both of you doing this together, it will help ease their minds a bit. *** side note, men are always harder on boys because they feel they need to instill how to act like a man, ya know the whole macho thing...just remember to let your fiance know they were already born with men instincts and they have plenty of time to use it, now is the time to show them how to treat people and the mannerisms or respect of a man*** Your fiance needs to understand the way little girls learn how to get things is through manipulation, if she is already displaying this type of behavior then he needs to understand that he's not doing her any good. He's teaching her how to use people for what she wants. If you are afraid she will not want to come see him if he lays down the law, she will eventually get over it. The same sit down conversation needs to happen with her as well, let her know how much she is loved and wanted in the family but that she will have to follow the same rules of the house that everyone else has to follow. Then perhaps follow both intimate conversations with a family meeting. State the house rules that apply to everyone so no one feels excluded. Hope this helps.

E.

P.S. It takes a while for the communication bug to work in a household, but when it sticks its really nice. Hang in there and don't let your children stop you from having the relationship you want. Couples work as a team with children.

My now-ex-husband used to be strict on my girls, and more lenient on his kids. The problem was that when they became teenagers, and he tried to "lay the law down" for his own kids, on what they should wear, no body piercings, etc., they rebelled, and stopped coming for visits. Please, tell your fiancee that he has to be his daughter's father, and not just her friend. Please, tell him that if he expects to be able to "lay down the law," when she's a teenager, and make decisions on what she shoud do, who she should date, etc., then he needs to start now. Don't wait, because it will make her hate him. He doesn't want to turn out like my ex, and have his daughter hate him, and not want to come around. Also, if you feel he is going overboard, on disciplining your boys, don't be afraid to tell him. Because, otherwise, your boys will grow to hate him, because he favors his daughter. - Just like my girls hate my ex, because he favored his kids.

It is very hard to try to combined separate kids from different partners. But you got to think that this little girl feels neglected and by sharing her father makes her feel that she is loosing her father. Patience is the key your boys don't deserve to be treated like that either. Give it time and I suggest that for now he should see his daughter separately from your boys just for awhile. All she wants is attention and unfortunately her father is responding to her needs the wrong way because he feels guilty. Talk to him maybe the times he is alone with her he will make his daughter understand that he also has two boys to love and raise that she and the boys need to live in harmony.

My daughters are older now (19 and 13), but I have dealt with this earlier in my life. My divorce is almost 9 years old, and I am not married (yet) because of a similar situation in which you find yourself.

Your gut feeling that this is wrong is right on the mark. Your fiance' needs to understand that rules and boundaries are ways he shows love and good parenting to his daughter and do not equate to "mean." The best way parents can love their kids is to establish boundaries and keep kids safe (even if it is from the kids' own self-indulgence). He is not doing that girl any favors by showing that he has a favorite, and it is grossly unfair to you and your boys. You would be better off without this competition. Your boys WILL resent you and their stepdad if this behavior continues. They deserve better than that, and so do you.

fair is fair if he can be cold to your children just because they live with you, what message is he sending to them and how will it make them feel in the long run to see that he is one way with them and another with her . I think it is great that you are atleast realizing/seeing this before you marry him. Remember that when we are given the gift of a child we are also given the responsibility of protecting them in every way possible. Children are children and we are there voices until they find there own.

Hi N.,
When I was 3 my parents divorced and I lived with my mother. As I grew up, my siblings wanted to be with our father, but his wife didn't want us and he took her side. We have gone to him and asked for his help with things we went through as we were growing up, and he would promise to help, and then speak to his wife, and then decline. My point is, there are 5 of us, and not one of us resents his wife. We all resent my father because he is the one that was set to govern and watch over us, and instead he chose someone else over his responibility and even as children we saw that. Your children see it too, even if they don't know exactly what it is. It is your choice who you decide to help govern your children. If you want them raised with love, you must pick someone who is loving toward them.

In time, his daughter will resent him as well. My father eventually became the same way. Evertime we were around him he would let us do whatever we wanted so we lost respect for him. Children CRAVE limits. They NEED a gentle, but firm hand. Discipline is NOT about being mean. You don't have to be mean to discipline. What makes him think in order to get through to her he has to be mean to her? If you are mean to a child it will teach the child to be mean. If you are loving, it will teach the child to love. (So what is he teaching your kids?)
He NEEDS to TALK to her. She is 9 years old which is just around the corner from being a teenager. She's in her formative years. He needs to stop acting like a child and be her FATHER, not her friend. I promise you, she will resent him for that (not stepping up to the plate) later on as well. If when you speak to him, he will not listen, then you will know what life your are stepping into with him. If he will not change his ways, then it is your responsibility to change the situation. God bless.

You have to think of your boys first and foremost- you are their advocate, their number 1, their MOM. Listen to your heart there.

ok, not gonna say what to do but from personal experience would suggest to think abut your choices very carefully. I am from a combined marriage. My Elder brother and I, had a stepfather when mom married second time,he also had teo children just a year older than each of us. The daughter was very deceptive and rude acting out, and long story short in some ways recent my mom for marrying the second time. She is now devorced and though I have a younger brother now. My stepfather was mean, cruel. i think if it is in both your hearts to come togeather and love each others children ( He your boys and you his daughter) then it will work out. However, its like I was told once, kids will make you or break yeah'. Maybe some sort of family counciling through church or other...if He will not come to some middle ground or council wold think real hard about the whole thing. ( p.s. I think after a child turns about 4 then the responsiblity of a child being parented by anyone else than natural parent/biological to be in some way contour productive) ...hope to have been of help....good luck,

I think you are right, your children may resent you if they are not treated fairly by your fiancee. If you are already having doubt about getting married do not do it. Good luck and I hope you figure things out.

hello,
just wanted to give my two cents on the situation... well when i was about 8 or 9 my dad moved in with this woman who was totally different from my mom and I, and the way that my mother and father had raised me so far.. it sounds like the exact same situation as what i went throught with my dad.. he and i were sooo close and he loved me soo much, but realized he loved her a little more than me and would let her walk all over me.. i can't tell you how many times she told me i was fat ( and i am just built big and tall, i and 6'1" and she is 5'4" maybe) she would also make me clean her entire house with horrible chemical cleaners that would make me very sick.. and the list goes on and on.. my dad used to think i hung the moon and i felt the same way about him..we went everywhere, and did everything together.. now we hardly even talk..my 2 year old son thinks he has only one grampa because when we do make the trip up to round rock from austin, my father hardly even gives my son the time of day..but makes sure to let his new baby boy know how much he loves him (yes my dad is still having babies he has a year old son and a 4 year old daughter and don't get me wrong i love them very much they are half my blood) i have chosen stupid men( which my husband is absolutely not one of them, he is wonderful.. he is my high school sweetheart) and i have even had a drug problem in my teen years do to losing my dad..it took years for me to build self confidence and self worth after they got together, but now i have pulled through the heart break and know that i am smart, beautiful and TALL! I will never forgetthe day they got married and how hard i cried during their wedding ceremony and miserable it was to know that i was losing my dad..but my husband was there and helped me through it(mind you this was in about 9th grade, way before he and i were married).. well i guess what i am trying to say is be careful as to what decisions you make for you and your children, it is hard to choose against marrying this man, if treats your kids this way.but you have know idea as to what damage this can do to them even if it seems like just a little picking or nagging.. i would hate to see you loose their respect and love because you decided to marry this man.. and what ever you decision you end up making, be sure you lay down the rules with your fiancee and let him know that your children come first and always will. if he really wants to be with you he will respect you and your children.. don't let him hurt your boys!if you all are to be a family he needs to act like it...

hope this was helpful and not too radical i don't want it to sound like a silly sob story. i just
don't want another family to go though this..
sincerly,
S.

Well it sounds like you will never be happy with the way your fiancee is treating your sons. If you have already talked to him and nothing changes (after the first week) then it will probably never change. The question is are you ready to break off this relationship. If I were you I take my kids over anyone. If they are not treated right (in my eyes) then I look for someone who will treat them right. And no I don't think he should treat them any different than his daughter. If she does something wrong then she should be punished too. She is taking him for a loop as I would say it. Always getting her way.

Hi my name is A. , i am a mother of two kids. My 14 year old is not my husbands. But we have gone through the same thing you are going through, and i know its tough. But trust me when i say you need to really think about it before you marry him if thats the way he treats your kids. Because if he expects you to treat his daughter good then it needs to go both ways, no matter the difference in how much yall get to see your kids. You have a tough decision and it wont be easy but know that you can email me if you want to. My husband and i are going on 8 years of marriage and its been really trying, we were going through a divorce last year becasue he is really tough on my 14 year old. But after about 5 months of not being together he decided thats not what he wanted and he changed. He still gets tough on her but its a lot better because now when i bring it to his attention he will stop and think, so i hope this helps you but like i said if you need someone to talk to that has gone throuhg it email me at ____@____.com good luck! A.

i have been the child in that kind of relationship and i do have problems with my father for not sticking up for us kids. if you talk to him and let him know how much it affects you and he still does not change, then it is not the best for your children, no matter how good he is to you. that is one of the hardships of having kids and starting a new life.

I totally understand what you are saying. I went through the exact thing. Except I married the guy and I left after 3 months later. We had dated for 2 years before that. The way I see it, I am responsible for my kids welfare and they need me to protect them. If they are not being treated equally then maybe it's not the right guy. He has to love you and your kids.

imho, you need to seriously reconsider marriage until you are compeletely comfortable w/how your fiance will treat your children. i have seen this happen w/my family and the marriage did not last more than 3 years. those boys are your everything and you would not put them in a daycare, sporting event, etc. where you felt they were being mistreated. the same goes for your home. they are your #1 priority, and if your fiance is going to play favorites your sons will come to resent him and in turn make your marriage miserable. if your husband won't change how he is treating them on a more permanent basis, then i would step back and reconsider your life choices. good luck.

Rule number 1........never let anybody mistreat your kids.

Better single than sorry. YOur kids deserve respect and love.