My apologies for this long post but I need an outside objective opinion. My daughter is getting married Jan 2019. Her future MIL is beyond over involved in their life and it has already caused many issues in their relationship. My future son in law is starting to set some boundaries but everything is a challenge. We are also a very close family, however I do not know my daughters personal business as far as their financials. We are very close but I do not ever interfere in their lives. His mother on the other hand calls him numerous times a day and has to know everything. what their mortgage is, what their car payments are, etc. She is so overly involved on a daily basis. I didn't even ask them what type of cash gifts they received because It isn't my business, she on the other hand couldn't wait to call the next day and he offers info all the time. Holidays are a challenge as she wants them all, like my daughter is an orphan!! My daughter stands her ground and he comes around but it is a constant battle. They are not kids she is 29 and he is 31! SO it's time to cut the cord!!!!! Here's my issue. I have been working on planning her shower. I am paying, and am not asking for help from the bridesmaid as I know the expense will be huge for the other things they need to do. So I called my future son in law, and bridesmaids and asked for specific dates. I picked a date next year during the NJ teachers convention because 5 or the 7 girls are teachers and my daughter is as well. My daughter wants an evening shower, with more of a party feel. So I can't do a Saturday evening, restaurants will not be able to hold a crowd of 100 people so I chose a Friday evening. All of the teachers are off Thursday and Friday so it works for all. The grooms mother also works in a school so she would be off as well. I specifically asked him if they had any events that weekend. He said we have a wedding on Sunday, but that Friday is fine. So I booked. This was after 1 month of research and finding the perfect venue. I got a text from his mother that her nephew is getting married that Sunday and they may have the rehearsal. So I asked if she could call her sister and ask if they can do the rehearsal on a Thursday evening (this is a same sex marriage so church is not involved) The shower is planned for 13 months from now. She called back and said my sister said nothing is planned but she will be busy, so you have to change the date. I offered another date, now she doesn't want a Friday, too much traffic blah blah. She wants me to do a Saturday brunch. I explained my daughter doesn't want that she wants a party, and i am trying to give my daughter what she wants. Mil called me and said if I can't change it her sister may need her help and she won't be able to attend. So we had words. She is used to controlling her son, and everyone's lives and I feel like no matter what I do if it's not her call it's no good. I told my daughter numerous times her over involvement will ruin their marriage and she is aware, and they are making strides. I know this has been a lifelong thing for him and its a work in progress. I explained to the mom if they had rehearsal on Thursday, the shower isn't until Friday evening, even if they came for an hour we would understand, they would still have Saturday to do whatever they needed to. She said again if you can't change it I can't guarantee I will be able to make it! WHAT!! if I choose another Friday, which she still won't be happy with the teachers will all suffer because there is decorating to be done, and them having time as well to get dressed. So I feel the Friday I choose is perfect for everyone except his aunt who for some reason cannot make it, and as a result his mother will not come. Now to my daughters face and everyone else she is the most generous woman you ever met, then she gets on the phone with her son and everything is different. She is a wolf in sheeps clothing. I have asked 10 of my closest friends and everyone agrees she just wants her way and if we change it, it's only going to be something else down the road. I am very upfront with my daughter and told her of my concerns, she is also aware. The shower is over 13 months away, and they have nothing planned. AM I wrong to think that they can work around us, since they have nothing set? If I booked this two months away and they had a plan I would absolutely change the date, but I really feel this is just a symptom of her having to be in control and call the shots. Mind you not 1 dollar has been offered to me to help. I need an objective opinion. What would you do?
Thank you for all of your responses. I know it is hard to imagine the dynamics of two Italian families. I know it all sounds insane. All i can say is if you have ever watched NJ housewives that is the dynamics here. Everything is over the top and grandiose. Not that it's right, or it makes sense, but it is what it is. The reason I am paying is because the bridal party hosts this huge weekend bachelorette party in Las Vegas ( again I know crazy, but this is what they do) on top of all the other wedding expenses. So since the list is long, I didn't ask for any help. I wasn't expecting any money from his mother so maybe I didn't phase that correct. What I meant was since I was hosting and she wasn't paying I didn't feel I needed to consult with her, just wanted to be sure she had no conflict. I just wanted to be sure the date worked. I did not ask her to ask her sister to change her rehearsal party, because nothing is even booked yet. I didn't even know that was the wedding he had referred to when he said he had a wedding on Sunday but Friday before was fine. I asked him he said the date worked and I moved forward. I did ask the mom if her sister, since nothing was booked if they could possibly make it another night so we can make it work since it was important to his mother for her sister to be there. The dynamics of an italian family are difficult to understand, even me and I am in it. This is why I understand your responses. I do not offer my daughter advice unless she asks me, and yes I am very concerned and as most of you have suggested I have suggested to her to maybe reach out and talk to their priest, or a professional counselor to help resolve issues before the wedding. I was blessed with a mother in law who respected my husband and my marriage, and although they were a very big part of our lives never interfered (my mil and father lived with us at the end of their lives) So i know the importance of having a good relationship with your inlaws, hence my reason for trying to make it work. However, I feel her inability to even try to make it work, and her approach in demanding I change it is what is so disturbing to me. And to say she wont attend either was shocking. When I say we had words, we did not fight, I just expressed my reasons for not being able to change it and was shocked she wouldn't try to work with me. She wants a Saturday brunch and that's it. So my gut says keep it as is, and if she comes she comes, and let her do her own thing. My heart says why can't we all just get along!! I have been trying and researching for months, the best venue, and package for this day, and most places book out 1 year in advance, so I booked early to avoid conflict.
Update: Again, i know most of you do not understand why I am paying for the shower, because the girls will be footing the bill on many other expenses, I have the money to do it, so It is my choice, wasn't asking for money, just felt that since I was hosting didn't need to reach out past my future son in law and bridal party. For those of you asking. I did ask the groom if they had any conflict, on the original date, he said they had a wedding on Sunday, so that friday was fine. He did not say it was a family wedding, he just said a wedding. So I assumed it was a friend. I did ask his mother for a tentative list and she gave me 40 people from her side of the family, I told her the plans were in the works, she never once mentioned any conflict, or any dates that would not work for them. So shame on me for not going into detail, I thought asking my future SIL would be enough. I have advised my daughter to please talk to their priest, or even a counselor, because of the issues with his mother, my daughter does talk to me because we are very close, I would never tell her not to respect her MIL. however I do tell her I am very concerned that she is on the outside here, and it is supposed to be the two of them making their life decisions. I do not pry, if she asks me I give her my honest opinion. I did change the date to avoid any issues coming from my part. I am a very fair person, and had she called me originally and said OMG that is my nephews wedding , and I am sure my sister will be busy and need me. I absolutely wouldn't have hesitated for a minute. However, what she did say to me is it's my nephews wedding on Sunday so Friday will not work. my sister will need me, so you have to change it, or I will not be in attendance. I guess I was expecting her to say let me call my sister and see if they have anything going on. I couldn't imagine a mother saying that about her future daughter in laws celebration. Despite that as i said I did not want to be the cause of any issues so I changed the date and called her. She said she would check to see, text me back two days later, and said the date is fine, that was all. Maybe I am expecting too much but I would have called and said thank you so much for making the change, I truly appreciate it. But that's me. My daughter and i are very close, and I would never influence her either way, I am a sounding board, and i am her mother, so I have asked her to please meet with the priest, make a journal of things you wish to discuss, and get an outside objective. There are many other MIL issues that she has already faced. Sharing holidays etc, which she is not willing to do. She told my daughter I have to see my son every holiday, even if you do not come. I on the other hand have never put pressure on my children, or guilt. I have a son as well, and he is in a very committed relationship, I never put any pressure on them, and my future dil and i get along amazing. They are meeting with the priest tomorrow. My sil treats my daughter great, the issues are from the outside, they have never had boundaries, and it's a work in progress if all parties are willing.
I am a believer you marry a family as well, and i want them to succeed. To say I am not concerned will be a lie, so if you all feel I am over involved, I am taking a step back, but it is my child, and i want her to have the best life and succeed in her marriage.
You are throwing shower. i think you are considerate asking bridesmaids etc. the day you picked sounds perfect for everyone except MIL. Any day you pick will not be good for her. So send out invites and whoever can make it will come. Enjoy.
There are a lot of factors here...
1. you should not be throwing the shower. A mom does not do that.
2. 100 people at a shower? Sounds a bit overboard - I think gift grab
That said.. It is up to the soon to be husband to set boundaries with his mom and stick to them.
They seriously need to be in premarital counseling so they learn how to partner TOGETHER and set boundaries. I would hate for my daughter to be getting into a mess like this. Marriage is hard enough when everything is moving smoothly. Throw in parents fighting over time and other issues then the marriage can tend to be broken if the couple are not rock solid with each other.
As for caving to future MIL.. You are both in a moment of "who's in power". You should not be having "words". Somehow you need to figure out how to work together because I assume you want your daughter's marriage to be successful. You DO NOT have to be best friends but have a healthy respect for each other. Do you think future MIL "owes" you by your comment that "not 1 dollar has been offered to you"?
If YOU are throwing a party, then YOU are responsible for the costs.
When you plan a party, you set the date time and those who can make it do and those who have conflicts don't. Simple as that. However, I pick up that you are not interested in his family being involved in your party.
If I were in your situation, I would stand my ground but I also would initiate healthy conversations with my daughter's new in laws. Learn to be flexible.
It would have been nice if you had used paragraphs so your post would be easier to follow.
Well, never sink to the other person's level - having "words" with this person was definitely NOT a good idea.
Why are you so bent on making sure that the groom's mother can attend the shower? The only obligation you have, in my opinion, as the party thrower, is three things: make sure that the bride (or bride and groom if it is a couple's shower) can attend, that it is the type of party that the bride wants, and that you get a list of people that the bride/groom would like invited and invite them. You need to get them invitations, and make them feel welcome, but whether or not they actually attend is all on them. Send the MIL an invitation for the party and call it a day.
As far as the rest of the controlling issues - stay out of it. The fact that you know all of this says that you are about as involved and controlling, but in a different way. While your daughter may have some tough times working through the over-involved MIL, it is HER problem, not yours. Your job is to listen, be supportive, be loving and be there for her when she needs it. Your very dangerous statement: "I told my daughter numerous times her over involvement will ruin their marriage . . ." says that you are being just as controlling.
Put on your big girl pants, close your mouth, plan the best party you can, and love your daughter come what may.
Good luck!
This sounds awful.
A few things, starting with a few cautionary things and then moving to the positives:
1) You are the mother and shouldn't be doing the shower at all. But you are, so that's that. 100 people is pretty unbelievable for a shower, frankly, and it's not going to be personal at all, but if you can afford it and that's what your daughter wants, it's your call. I'm assuming you are giving a party you can pay for and you want to pay for. Take that out of the discussion and stop defending it to MIL or anyone else.
2) You are planning it, so you shouldn't expect any money from the MIL. Even if she offered money, that wouldn't give her the right to dictate the conditions. Take that out of the discussion entirely.
Now, here's where you stand your ground:
1) Your party, your date, your venue, your call. The groom approved the date and you've accommodated the bridal party. Done. Don't even get into a discussion with MIL about a possible rehearsal dinner 13 months away!
2) Don't "have words" with her! People like this woman get off on the drama and the argument. So don't play her game. Just a simple, "I'm sorry you won't be able to make it. The date was approved by your son. If your plans change in a year, that would be great." Any further comments from her? "Let's wait a year and talk again. So, how about those New Jersey Nets?" Change the subject! Or give a cheery "Gotta go now. See you soon!" You simply don't have to go to every fight you're invited to. You are right that you cannot make her happy. So stop trying, and stop feeling bad about it. And of course, she's perfectly free to plan her own shower with her own relatives and friends. It's not your obligation to accommodate her when she won't work cooperatively.
3) It's up to your daughter and her fiancé to set the tone with MIL. Mostly, it's his job. Your daughter is not going to win any argument with this woman. I'm not sure her fiancé can either. It's up to your daughter to say to him, "Stop telling her how much we make. Stop telling her what color flowers I'm getting. Stop telling her what our mortgage is." His answer to her should be, "Mom, you raised me well and educated me well. I'm skilled at these things and I'm an adult, and you don't have to worry anymore. My fiancée and I are doing fine and making sensible decisions. So, how about those New Jersey Nets?" Or, maybe he decides to say, "You're pushing it, you've pushed it my whole life, and I've allowed it up until now, but I'm done." It's up to him whether he wants to fight with her or just deflect her. But your daughter needs to stay out of it because this woman will make your daughter the "bad guy" in the situation - best for everyone to stay out of that.
4) Your daughter and her fiancé should get some pre-marital/couples counseling, starting now, on how they are going to make financial, religious, family, professional decisions as a couple, and what their boundaries are for sharing that info with others. If they get a house and have kids, this woman is going to be in their faces. Many marriages have broken up over this sort of thing, and the most you should do is encourage your daughter to talk to her fiancé and get professional help if she wants to. Stop telling her this is going to ruin things - you'll be just as intrusive as the MIL you despise! Don't advise her beyond that, because you'll just be crossing boundaries you've been very careful to observe up until now. Down the road, your daughter is going to need that support more than ever. Don't change who you are because of someone else's nonsense. Back away from this!
You make a date and too bad so sad if it doesn't work for everyone.
If they want to throw a shower that works for them they are free to do so.
When you can't please anyone you need to please yourself.
If anything - your daughter and fiancee need couples counseling NOW - well in advance of the wedding.
They need to bond as a couple and independent family unit without his mom being present to wipe his behind at the drop of a hat.
Because if that whole dynamic doesn't change well before the wedding - there should be no wedding at all.
One month to three months before you get married is the sweet spot for holding the bridal shower.
Booking it in advance is fine but 13 months ahead of time?
Re-read the prior paragraph - I'm not convinced these people should marry at all and you really DO NOT want to hold a shower if the wedding is a no go.
As a side note - really? 100 people for a wedding shower?
For 2 established people in their more or less 30's?
Maybe the whole definition of wedding shower has changed when I wasn't paying attention but it use to be an intimate occasion of the brides closest female friends and relatives - like 20 people tops - to celebrate a woman becoming a wife and setting up an independent household away from parents for the first time.
They have a household (and a mortgage) - she doesn't need dishes or towels or bedding or a toaster or even a sexy negligee I would bet.
I really have to question why you think 100 people for a shower is appropriate.
Now I would understand a large wedding reception - I've been to weddings (and even funerals) with 300 people - but not a shower!
Okay lots going on.
1. Shower. Generally, the mother of the bride doesn't give a shower. Its done by friends or other family members. To me, this is more like an engagement party than a bridal shower. Over 100 people? My son got married in May. My daughter hosted the shower here in Houston at my house. Son and DIL live in the midwest so some of our family had not met her yet and were not going to be able to attend the wedding in that was out of state. We had around 30 people. Mostly family. We picked a date that was best for the bride and groom to be. Her mother did fly down with her which was nice.
2. Your party, your expense. Why would you expect money from the MIL? Again, not her party.
3. Your assumption about this other wedding. While the other wedding might not be a big deal to you, it is to the MIL. The Aunt can't make it because her CHILD is getting married that weekend. You think its okay to ask them to move THEIR rehearsal dinner to Thursday but when the MIL asks you to change your date you get upset. I would love to hear from your future SIL. I suspect he might say the same thing about you as you say about his mother.
4. Stop talking trash about the MIL to your daughter. She knows what she is getting into. They have started taking steps to put boundries up. Just be quiet. You do not need to share every thought you have about this.
As I said, my son got married in May. We had issues with the brides family. BUT I only complained to my husband. NO ONE heard a peep out of me.
I think that expecting the groom's family to attend a wedding shower less than 48 hours before they will celebrate a wedding is asking a bit much of them. Surely you want your son-in-law's female relatives - mother, aunts, cousins, etc. - to be welcome? They will be busy with the nephew's wedding that weekend, period.
Honestly, I think that 100 people at a shower is silly. I also think that if you really tried, you could find a venue 13 months from now that could host a party on Saturday night. It seems to me that you are digging in your heels a bit. Yes, what you originally planned seemed ideal for your daughter and her friends. It won't work for the groom's family. You and your daughter can decide that having the date and place that you want is most important, or that having her future in-laws be able to attend is important. But it appears that you can't have both.
I suppose another alternative would be for the groom's family to host a small shower for her if they really wanted to, but I don't think that it would go over well in this scenario. I've seen that where the families live really far away and it made sense to have one party where one family is based and another where the other part of the family is based, but we're talking distances like Boston and Chicago.
Separate out your feelings about the MOG. Everything that you say about her may be valid, but it doesn't change the fact that you want to plan a party on a weekend when the groom's family already has another major event planned. It's too much. Find another date.
It sounds like you are just as involved in their lives as the MIL you despise. It also sounds like you are happy to engage in a battle with the MIL just to knock her down a few pegs. Don't have "words" with her. That makes you just as bad as her.
Also stop bad mouthing her to your daughter. Stay out of it. I bet the MIL could say some negative things about you also. The fact that you bad mouth her proves it.
Plan the party, don't expect financial help from anyone and that's it. End of story. If someone can't attend, too bad. Don't turn this into a battle.
I, too, did my daughter’s shower on top of everything else. (I totally understand the MIL thing.) Plan it for when it works best for you. The date is set. Tell her when it is. If she can make it, great. If not, that’s ok, too. And tell her that. Stick to your guns.
If she doesn’t like it, she can plan another shower on her terms. I’m so over these MIL’s.
Added:
Saw your SWH.
Sorry I missed a few of the finer points because it's all one long paragraph (not to be picky, just hard to read). So if this is going to be a big wedding weekend for the groom's side in general - seeing how it's a big Italian family as you describe - then maybe you don't need to host it that Friday. I think I missed that originally in your post.
My advice really was more on having the couple figure out boundaries before they get married. That's really between them. It's really up to the husband to be. Your daughter should just support him, but they need to come first and boundaries make happy families.
My other thought (reading some other responses) is that maybe this all needs to be taken down a notch (I get it's a big affair) ... but that's why we disliked our wedding in the end. It was impersonal and not about us because my MIL went to town inviting people who we didn't need there. It then became about them - and we wished we'd eloped. Just a word of caution ...
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You could be describing my MIL in many ways. And it will affect your daughter's marriage (I think) unfortunately. It will get much worse when they have children .... but I digress, and sorry to be so negative. This has just been my experience.
I think you are 100% reasonable. This is about YOUR daughter and this works best for her and the guests overall. This is not about her future MIL.
My husband and I do not celebrate our wedding anniversary. My MIL took over our wedding. Even though we are a very strong couple and love each other very much, we weren't prepared for what we went through. It became all about her.
So I do agree you should put your foot down. I agree with you 100%.
This really needs to be addressed between your daughter and her fiancé. Your daughter needs to think long and hard about her future. I thought I could handle it. It just got worse and worse. Thankfully, my husband deals with her and I stay out of it. To my face, she's lovely and says how much she loves me. She just can not cut the strings. She says "But I'm your mother!" all the time. My husband is almost 50.
As to "What should you do?" - personally (and this would be for anyone) I would accommodate if it was something they couldn't miss or would definitely affect them. But this is her husband's aunt who I am sure can spare her sister for a few hours. So I would stick with what you have decided.
In a way, you are just as involved, or over-involved, as the MIL. A shower should not be the responsibility of the mother of the bride. Families sometimes throw engagement parties for the family friends and relatives, but a shower is traditionally a gift to the bride from her bridal party or her closest friends. If you look at it another way, you have gone to considerable lengths to check teachers' days off, inviting a very large crowd, and you're trying to get another wedding couple to move their rehearsal dinner. It's not too far off from what the MIL is doing. You're both way way way too involved. It's no surprise that the groom's family hasn't offered to help, because showers aren't the responsibility of the parents of the wedding couple.
Both mothers - of the bride and the groom - should allow the bridal party and the wedding couple to manage their wedding plans. If none of your daughter's bridesmaids or her maid-of-honor wish to give her a shower/evening party, that's up to her to sort out.
If you wish to give your daughter an engagement party for your friends and relatives, you may. But that's not the same as a shower.
I don't think you should attribute this to a specific ethnicity, or show any disrespect to the nephew's wedding and wedding plans. Whether it's same sex or opposite sex, whether it's in the Notre Dame Cathedral or in a backyard, it's still a very important occasion to the gentlemen who are getting married, and to their families. Perhaps they have met with opposition, and your daughter's future MIL is trying to support her sister and nephew as much as possible.
I think you should cancel your shower and tell your daughter and her fiance that you respect their privacy and their responsibilities as adults. Tell them that you're sorry that you got so involved, and show them how families should act. Give your daughter encouragement that any future mother-of-the-bride would give, and not dire warnings about her future-MIL. Apologize to the MIL and set the tone for the marriage.
"I'm so sorry you can't make it."
I do want to point out that you said many times that you are not involved with your daughters personal business but then you said that you have told her your concerns and that NUMEROUS times you have told your daughter that her future MIL will ruin her marriage. To me...that is over-involved.
I don't understand Italian families...but I get Mexican ones! lol. There's always someone that wants to make it all about them.
"I'm sorry you can't make it."
I don't understand, a bridal shower is usually for the bride and her family and close friends, maybe coworkers. Of course it's nice to invite future mother and/or sister in laws (and people often do) but why would you plan the whole thing around them? This is for your daughter. Not everyone you invite is going to make it, that's just life.
Please keep in mind you may be sharing future family events with this woman as well as possibly grandchildren....is this the relationship you want with her? Can only imagine how much the tension level will rise as everyone gets closer to the wedding......
You describe her as controlling yet you are telling her to move a relative’s Wedding Rehearsal Dinner to accommodate you? That takes some nerve. If you thinking booking a shower 13 months in advance is what one must due to get the ideal venue, how long do you think it may have taken them to get the wedding venue, let alone accommodate everyone in the wedding to come to the rehearsal dinner.......
So you called everyone but the MOG to give you some good dates? Perhaps she was hurt by this? So you weren’t initially concerned with what dates would work for her. Which is fine, but stick to it. Are the groom’s relatives invited? If not, perhaps she can throw her own at a more convenient time?
I think you are putting the horse before the cart. People who really want to make the wedding shower will, despite what else is going on in their lives. I agree with others that couples therapy would be a better investment for your daughter and SIL then a shower venue at this time.
I think the best response to your daughter when she complains about her MIL is to just lend an ear and empathically say, “Well is sounds like you and John need to talk about this and figure out how you want to handle it together” because honestly you pointing out how MIL is so controlling is really you just inserting yourself in your daughters relationship with her fiancé.
This is how my MIL is. My mother let me handle it. I was not happy about it at first, but it helped me stand on my own two feet and decide what kind of marriage I wanted to have. It also empowered my husband and I to set boundaries with her as a team. We had to learn how to communicate, work together, let things go and decide the level of toxicity we wanted around of marriage and children.
My husband no longer speaks to his mother because she would not respect his boundaries, with multiple chances.Your daughter needs to let her husband see the need for boundaries with his mother and he needs to decide to set them with her. If you tag team him with your daughter and put pressure on him, he will resent your daughter and hurt their relationship.
Please step back and look at the big picture.
Learn some healthy coping mechanisms to deal with his family because your relationship with them will not end after this shower.
Well, it's unfortunate. But I think you really should have talked to the MOG like everyone else you checked with before booking, especially when your future son-in-law said they had a family wedding on Sunday of that weekend. MOG is just responding to you based on her family's wedding events that she herself did not plan intentionally that weekend to get in the way of yours. What would you expect from her? Your asking her to ask her sister to move or plan a rehearsal date around your even wasn't appropriate. You put this woman in a difficult position. I would be very stressed out if this was put upon me. All she did was tell you she could not guarantee she could make to your party. That's fair. It doesn't sound like she demanded that you change around your plans to accommodate her. If she or other of her family members can't legitimately make it, if they don't really make any effort, or if anyone chooses not to attend your even out of spite, that is on them. I do think you are wrong in expecting they should work around you. I think the fact that you don't like her behaviors around your daughter and SIL is clouding your judgement.
Because all the teachers have that extended weekend off, that would be a ideal time. But that week and weekend is still busy for a lot of other people. It's not "wrong" and technically, you can just keep all your plans and tell MOG you hope she can come but understand and will miss her if she cannot, because you are hosting and planning the party. 13 months away is plenty of time for your daughter's friends and bridesmaids to save another weekend date. It's not about that you're paying. It's a royal pain, but I think the nice thing to do would be to extend the olive branch to MOG and offer to plan the party another weekend
Holy Smokes what a lot of drama! I have a super large family and when we plan things we just pick a date and who can make it, makes it. The others can't. Honestly, if she doesn't like the date let her throw a shower for her side of the family and you do for yours and whoever your daughter wants to invite. I wish your daughter luck in the future, she's going to need it.
This is what I would do, I would move it to another Friday and tell her you are sorry for not being more sensitive to the conflict beforehand. I would then say nothing more. ( i would get the approval of all the bridesmaids like you previously did).
I do think you are expecting too much. They have a family wedding that weekend. Folks will be in from out of town, there will be last minute needs, etc. While none of this involves your future SIL, it does involve his mother's family and his aunt. How would you feel about being expected to attend a shower for a nephew a few days before your daughter's wedding? (if i'm following all this correctly).
I agree with the folks below: you should not be throwing this shower. In my world, close friends of the mother of the bride throw the shower. This way the young bridesmaids don't have to foot the expense, and this way it isn't a family looking like they are seeking gifts. With that said, in my world the shower is a brunch, a formal but simple affair of no more than 40 or so ladies.
I would remind her that she is able to host her own shower when she feels it's right for her but you have planned this one and it is done.
Stand your ground with her and have a fun shower.
It will take her some time to let go, seems like her son has let her manage him for his whole life.
Why don't you change it to Thursday? You said the Teachers are off Thursday & Friday. I would call her and say we can plan it Thursday or Friday, which one would work for you.
i would book what you want and if that aunt cant come then so be it, and it the mother of the groom wants to be a pain in the buttox and not show then she can suck a lemon. its your daughter, its your party and you are paying. do what you want and give up on the controll freak.
the groom needs to put his mother in check. he needs to inform her that its his and his brides wedding and that things will be done the way the bride and groom wish. its not about the mother of the groom anymore. if the bride wants a n evening party style wedding then thats what she gets. if the mother of the groom wants saturday brunch she can plan and pay for it.
Personally, I would want my future son in law's mother to make it to the shower and I'd just make the shower for another night...a Thursday...a different Friday. I'm sure she doesn't have a say in the date of some other family member's wedding and rehearsal dinner. I would want her to be able to come and would just pick another day. Boom. Done! This is a long way away, so it shouldn't be that big of a deal to change the date. --I would like to give you some advice though...stop telling your daughter "numerous times over" that her MIL will ruin her marriage. Let your daughter and son in law deal with her and don't worry about it. If your daughter asks for advice then advise her to tell her husband to deal with his mom and to set boundaries. --I get it though. This woman is controlling and annoying. I hope you don't have to see her very often in life after the wedding is over!
A few thoughts:
1) A close family wedding takes importance over most other things. That moment when you asked your future Son In Law if the date was okay...? If you meant to ask him whether the date was okay for his *mother*, you should have asked her directly!! To the son, it's his cousin's wedding - maybe not close enough to him to control his whole weekend. But to his mother - her sister's son is getting married that weekend, in a type of relationship that until fairly recently was not even allowed to be legally married (a dynamic which might have caused emotions in their family for many years). So, I do understand MIL saying for that weekend really her focus has to be on her sister. (And really - "aunt who for some reason cannot make it"??? Yeah, see how YOU feel less than 48 hours before your daughter's wedding!! Really not the time to go out for a non-wedding-related huge evening party!)
2) All of this drama, is part of why traditionally mothers do not plan Bridal Showers. I am *not* saying that the bridesmaids should shoulder the cost. Oftentimes either the shower is hosted by someone like the bride's aunt or the bride's mother's good friend who has been like an aunt to the bride, or, the bridesmaids plan the shower but it is paid for by the mothers. Just having a bit more distance from the planning, prevents shower planning from crossing over into all of these family dynamics.
3) At this point, in this situation, it seems like you might as well go on ahead and plan "your version of the shower" however you want / whenever you want, and maybe the groom's mother and aunt will not be there. MIL can plan a separate brunch shower if she chooses. (Although I agree with the post below that says two showers are usually only done when the family is spread out over two different geographical areas, so two showers means that no one has to travel to attend the shower.)
