My Son's Pushy Friend

Stop coming up with excuses.

"So-and-so is very busy right now. He won't be able to play with you for awhile. You'll have to just look forward to seeing him in school."

Repeat as necessary. If the child asks what he's busy with, respond politely, "We have a lot going on. I'm sorry that we don't have the time right now."

I haven't ahd to deal with this at all, so I might not get the logistics of it. I agree that you should not send your son there if you are uncomfortable with it, but is it really so bad to have him at your house? Not all the time, of course, but even the occasional overnight visit is a problem?

You want your son to be around people who might be a positive influence in his life? Do you think that maybe your son (and your family) can be that positive influence for another child? Your son won't always be on the learning end of the lesson (picking up the positive influence). Especially while they are at this age of vulnerability and easy influence, I would think that you would encourage him to also be on the teaching end of the lesson, putting into practice what you've already taught him and gaining his own experience, building his own confidence in applying what you've taught him. You won't know that he's got it until you see him use it. And, oh, the reward when you see him share it!

stop making excuses. you do not have to justify yourself to a 12 year old. just tell him 'nope. it's not okay for you to come over right now. have a nice day!' and don't engage in back-and-forth with him.
develop other friendships for your son. it will be aggravating for a while but if you are firm and keep your adult boundaries in place with this child, he'll find someone else to fixate on.
khairete
S.

While it's admirable for some people who want to step in and help this boy by providing a stable home for him to visit, you have indicated quite clearly that you want to cool this relationship, and that is completely okay. Your reasons are valid, and you don't have to justify that to anyone. We don't need to know what the issues are at his home; you've already told us they're serious enough, and you are quite capable of making that determination.

I completely understand your situation. We've had to do this in the past with my son. It is sad for the other children involved, but I have always felt that my first priority is the safety and well-being of my family.

Use simple responses to his friend's inquiries, "No, I'm sorry, our schedules don't allow for sleepovers." No more explanations. The more you give reasons, the more you invite further conversation about it. Be firm, but kind, of course.

Hope this helps.

J. F.

I was that kid from a bad home that was always over at a friend's house. Some parents were cool with it and others weren't. Either way, I survived the people telling me no, not right now or sorry, we're busy. I didn't take it personally either. I just moved on.

You have every right to say no and not have to justify yourself.

Suz T is right, dispense with the excuses and set firm boundaries. Your responsibility is to your own son first and the example you set will help him set good boundaries and learn to choose his friends, not just fall into unhealthy friendships.

You can tell this boy the truth... "It doesn't work for us to have you spend the night here." or "It doesn't work for my son to go to your house after school." If this other boy asks why or challenges you, just repeat the original statement and avoid a long discussion which will just make the young man feel bad. It is kinder to keep it simple and from your perspective, which is some things just don't work for your family and household.

I have 2 kids who are now 5 and 9.
Ever since they were 2 years old, I have always been open and honest with them, about people, and converse with them, about people/friends, and openly talk with them about my "logic" about choosing friends or acquaintances etc. So that... they gain the aptitude, in how to "discern" people and situations.
And they have always chosen, nice appropriate friends.

I never tell them they cannot be friends with someone. However, I WILL discuss with them, about behavior and about their parents (since I know most all parents at my kids' school), and how I think about that... per appropriateness or not. ie: some parents are nice, but they are not safe... some parents are not nice and per behaviors that we can see and hear... it is not appropriate, etc. And some kids are really inappropriate and/or are bullies or are just troublemakers etc. I openly talk to my kids, about these things. I never sugar coat it. Therefore, they can also "evaluate" people... and situations, pretty well for their ages. And if they are wondering about a person/friend/situation, they tell me. Or I will ask them "What do you think about that or that person?" or, "Is it a wise thing to do?" or, "How can you say no?"

And once, my son (who is 5), was socializing with a boy in school, who is nice but can also really be a troublemaker... and his parents, are like (sorry for the expression) but they are trailer trash. I didn't tell my son the parents are trailer trash... but I explained to my son that, he is his own person and he knows that boy can be trouble, and even he sees that the Teacher was always having trouble with that boy. So, I told my son "You CHOOSE, your friends, and you KNOW that boy is trouble, so is it wise, for you to be around trouble?" My son, made his decision. He said "no, and he's not real safe either... he tries to make other kids do things we aren't supposed to... and he's sneaky."

Kids, can be taught about how to discern situations and people. And a parent, DOES have to teach a child those things and guide them on it.

My daughter once, was invited to a play date at a classmates home. That girl is known to be a bit pushy and a daredevil. My daughter knows that. The girl's Mom, is also, not very.... good at supervising her kid. Once, I saw her at a fast food place. I told her "Oh great, you got some time alone to yourself?" Then the Mom tells me "Well actually, my daughter is at home napping.... so I came here to get something to eat." Um.... what? She had basically left her child at home, and without telling her daughter, she went to get something to eat at a fast food place which was down the street. The daughter was 7 at the time. That is so, inappropriate. So I told the woman "What if Sally wakes up and you are not there???" And the Mom says "Oh she can call me, I have my cell phone with me... I left a note for her."
Duh. My kids were with me hearing this, and even my own daughter couldn't believe it and told me "Mommy! I can't believe she left Sally at home... napping... and came here!!!"
Naturally, I have not let MY daughter, go there for any play dates. Even my daughter knew that was really, not safe nor proper.
And I told my daughter... you are never going over there, do you see why? Of course, my daughter understood.

The thing is, you need to teach children about how to discern people and situations, and be open and honest with them, about it.
My late Dad did that with me, and I do it with my kids, since they were Toddlers. They need to be "educated" about things like this too.

And, no one has to be a "social worker" for other kids or families, if they don't want to.
You just have to say no.
Friends will ebb and flow and change all the time, as a child grows up. And they "outgrow" friends too. It is okay.
And per your situation and that other boy, you just say that you can't have play dates anymore.

If you don't want him around your son, just keep doing what you are doing. Say, "Not today. Have a nice day. Bye."

If he is not a bad kid, I don't know why you wouldnt want him to come over. My mom made it very clear to us with a couple of our friends that we were NOT to go over to their houses, but that they were always welcome at ours. Both kids accepted that without question and it was never a problem.

My mom also invited kids over that we DIDNT like, because she knew things were not great at their homes and I guess she wanted them to have some normalcy somewhere.

My sister and I were both "good" kids and friends here and there from "bad" homes never led us astray.

Just go with teh broken record approach. No it does not work for us to have you over, to have him come over, etc. Thanks for calling, click.

No other explanation needed. He is 12 you are the adult, you do not owe an explanation. If he persists. Repeat what you just said. Sorry does not work for us. End of conversation.

If you have the boy over to your house, can't you lay down the rules: i.e. "we don't use that language in our house" or these are out house rules" No __________, no ___________ etc.

Can you have him over sometimes, over your watchful eye? Does your son even like him? What I'm trying to say is this - you said friends can be a huge influence at this age. That is so true. So can you allow your son to be a good influence on this boy, while you are hanging out with them too? He doesn't have to spend the night. You can say "we aren't doing sleep overs anymore" and if he asks why just say "because that is what we decided". You don't have to go into explanations for kids. You are the adult. Or is part of the problem that you just think this boy is annoying for asking your son over, and inviting himself over, so you are using this other issue that we don't know about, as your leverage? I'm going to side with the fact that you could make a huge difference in this child's life. Don't shun him. And certainly don't hang up the phone in his ear as ChicagoMama suggested. That is really mature.

Focus your energy on helping your son to find other friends and participate in other activities that are in line with your values. You'll find that you really will have filled up that time and don't really have time for this other boy. Your example will show your child what is important to you. Hope this helps.

Does your son still want to be his friend? If your son does not, then someone will have to let this boy down gently.

If your son does, my philosophy is to help kids who need help and to teach my kids to be able to conduct themselves appropriately despite outside influences.

Therefore, I have never controlled who my kids' friends were. At least two of them were kids that other mothers would not have let their kids play with. And my kids rose to the challenge, and were a good influence on the other kids.

From your What Happened, it sounds like you don't want to help this boy out, so my opinion probably doesn't matter. But if your son likes this boy as a friend, my suggestion is to let them be friends, while continuing to instill your values in your son.

I agree with OneandDone.

ASSUMING your son still wants to hang out with him... (does he?) How about having him for an outing here and there? Usually when kids are home, they go off either in their rooms or go outside and come up with their own things to do (that you may not be a fan of). If you invited him to go to an arcade, or to a pizza place or to the movies, or go rollerskating, paddle boating, mini-golf... etc (you get the idea), I'm guessing the activities themselves would dictate the flow of things (kinda like school). Just so thy can have a little bit of fun together, and whenever there is talk about coming over to a house you can say: "How about we get together for pizza next week instead?" or something like that...

Since you talk to the mom, I would talk to her. Just tell her that her son keeps contacting your son and that although you don't mind them being "school friends", you would rather they don't hang out at home after school. Just tell her to please let her son know so he doesn't keep calling and asking to come over. If the mom doesn't step in, next time the son calls, I would just be honest with him and tell him that he can see your son at school but not after and to please stop calling and asking. Then don't take their calls any longer. He's 12 so he's old enough to "get it". Good luck.