This is kinda long....sorry in advance! My son went back to his first grade class on Tuesday in tears b/c 2 boys he was eating with (and thought were his friends) were quite mean! One boy's Step-Father was there and writing/handing out invites to his bday party. The other boy says "Don't invite Ty" and the little boys replies "I'm not" and then the first boy looks right at my son and says "GOOD"!! In front of the step-dad and all the other kids in the lunch room. My son was devastated. Anyway....teacher did find out from other students what had happened and she did talk to the 2 boys. My husband also talked to her a little when he dropped my son off at school yesterday. We don't care about the bday party but we do care about the humiliation.
So needless to say there was an invite from the boy in Ty's backpack last night. My son thinks he was just joking when he said he wasn't going to invite him. My husband and I think the step-dad probably thought about what happened and is making the boy invite him. What do you all think? Why was he invited? Should he go? He does have a basketball game that day (which does not interfere, but would be a good reason not let him go). I have mixed feelings.
** a little more info ** I totally agree that the step-dad should have said something to the boys as it happened, but he didn't! The first boy (not the birthday boy) has been nasty to my son prior to this and on more than one occasion. We have talked to the teacher and she tried to discourage contact between my son and this boy, but she says my son is one of the few kids in class who will actually talk to him and play with him. The bday boy is in his class and in cub scouts with my son, but they have never really been "friends". So for Ty not be invited to the party was not a big deal.
THANK YOU for all the wonderful replies and advice. You are all awesome!!
My biggest concern if he does go (he says he would like to b/c the Bilbe teaches us to forgive and forget......what do you say to that?!?!) is if boy #1 says "I thought you weren't going to invite Ty" and the bday boy says "My Dad made me". Then we are back to square one and my son is humiliated a second time!! But if he doesn't go are we showing those boys that if they are mean enough they can bully my son into doing (or not doing) whatever they want. Still not sure how we are going to handle this, but I truly appreciate all your support!!
*** UPDATE ***
Ty decided on his own yesterday to tell the bday boy that he was not able to make it to his party and thanked him for the invite. The boy just looked at him and didn't say a word. SO glad Ty chose not to go!! Thank you all for you advice, stories and support. Blessings to you all!
S.
He shouldn't go. I don't think it was a legitimate invite. Especially since the step-dad didn't do anything to stop the humiliation. Thats soooo wrong! I wouldn't want my son around people who said things to him like that.
M
Do't even let him go to that. I KNOW exactly what will happen. that other boy who's mean will give Ty a hard time and teasing is like the plague, EVERYONE GETS IT. Ty didn't want to go in the first place, spare him more humiliation. Please.
Well... if that happened to my Daughter and she then got the invitation... SHE would not... want to go. I know her.
I would ask her what she thought... and I know... my daughter would NOT at all, want to go to that party... for a person like that, and after what they did to her. If that were her.
Unfortunate things like this happens.
Its pathetic.
I would say, "politely decline." The baseball game is a good excuse. My reasoning is this - this is a good chance to talk to your son about what makes a good friend - and a good friend shouldnt try to make you feel bad. Friends might hurt your feelings accidently, sometimes, but should not try to make you feel bad.
If people make you feel bad, you can still be polite to them, but you should not pursue friendships with them, unless they change their behavior.
So, my vote, stay home and have fun with the family!
I would let my son decide if he wants to go or not. Then rsvp accordingly.
Kids can be mean one day and nice the next. They get upset at each other for the silliest things, I think what happened unfortunately happens a lot. Sounds like the OTHER boy was being mean and the one with the party just agreed with him as little kids do.
It sounds like the stepdad was trying to do the right thing by making sure your son was invited. If this boy has a history of being mean, it sounds like going to a party for him is just inviting disaster!
I would ask your son, though, if he wants to go. Kids have a better idea of what really goes on than we adults do. My stepdaughter would come home in tears in first grade because her best friend was mean. Then next day they were best friends again. Sometimes we'd get a call that my SD was being mean. Let your son decide, he probably has a better idea than you!
I don't know the solution to your dilemma.. but I would posit that you should look at the Step Dad with kind eyes. He may have been taking care of something last minute that the little boy's MOM was supposed to have already done, and we all know that men aren't always cognizant of the social aspects of things like we moms are. And like one other poster mentioned... he may have had no idea that the little boy that was being discussed (your son) was standing there! And being a step dad, his disciplinary role may not be as cut and dried as the mom or dad's. So just tread lightly on the step-dad bashing. He just sounded clueless to me. Before you judge him OR the mom, get to know them. The whole scenario you described sounded sort of like the little boy has some issues with being kind and considerate, and it may have to do with adjustment issues with the mom/step-dad... who knows?
As for the other little boy who has been nasty to your son before this, he sounds like a real winner. I would make sure the teacher is aware that just because your son is one of the few kids that actually will play with him, doesn't mean that your little boy SHOULD. Perhaps he is reaping what he sows with the other kids.
And if he is overbearing, bossy and nasty in general, it may be that the boy in cubscouts with your son (the birthday boy) was just trying to appease him so HE didn't get picked on by the little bully. It isn't right, but he may just not be mature enough yet to make a stand on something like that.
My instincts on this would tell me to decline. The boys I’m sure saw how their words hurt your son but didn’t say anything right then and there about joking around? My thought is that they were being mean on purpose.
Also I would be hesitant as to how they would treat my son at the party. I'm going to agree with you and your husband on this one.
It wouldn't be worth it to purposely put my son in that situation. Plus maybe this will teach the bday boy that he can’t go around treating other kids like that. He is going to miss out on the gift your son would have gotten him so let him be devastated by that!
Absolutely talk about friendship and who is worth our time and energy, but don't decide for him. Let him work this through with your guidance, and let him decide if he wants to go or not. Explore his feelings from the lunch table ickiness, and talk through the possibilities of what the party could be like -- nasty kid being nasty, nasty kid in a good mood, ignoring nasty kid to enjoy the other stuff... what would he like to do? You can't protect him completely from rude or toxic people, but you can help him figure out how to deal with them when he crosses paths with them.
I would call and ask the dad. It wouldn't hurt to get his take on what happened. As long as you don't ask in an accusing way. Just let him know that while its sweet of him to invite your son, you aren't sure of whether it was to be nice or if the son really wants to have him there.
You should be able to be open and honest with the other parent about it without making him feel like you are accussing his son of anything, just need clarification.
Talk to your son and the teacher. I'm actually really concerned that the step-father was handing out invites at school- most schools don't allow this for this exact reason.
If your son really wants to go, then let him go but try to stay for the first few minutes to make sure he's integrated into the party. If your son is ambivalent, then politely decline.
No, take him to see a movie or something and invite another friend with you.
Unless your son wants to go. Maybe he has lots of other friends going, maybe this is a one time incident with the bday boy.
.
Why in the WORLD was a parent in school handing out Bday Invites?! In every school my three kids have EVER gone to, party invites were not allowed to be brought to school (an AWESOME idea), much less a PARENT handing them out, jeesh!
Anyway! Your son and these kids are at the very bigining of a lifelong on again off again friendship. Mean boy #1 and #2 probably WERE kidding. Kids tend to have their little rough patches and then want to be best friends again the next day.
I personally feel you will further ostracize him by NOT sending him to the party (you know, unless you're going to Disney World that day).
:)
I agree with Leslie, I would decline and use the experience as a chance to talk to your son again and friendship and what makes a good friend. We talk about that all the time in our house, because my son has certainly experienced mean kids. And I think it's really important to tell them (over and over again) that those kids are the ones with the problem, not them.
I would also talk to that child's father, and let him know you are aware of what happened and talk about your children's relationship. Depending on what went on, and how their friendship was before the break, you might also consider hosting a playdate to foster their friendship. I've found that has helped my kids immensely.
It's funny because my 3 year old daughter started preschool this year and was taken under the wing of a slightly older busybody in the classroom. At first, I thought it was a good thing, but as time went on I realized every morning in the coatroom this child would tell my daughter who they were going to be friends with that day. (as in, today we aren't going to play with so-and-so, only so-and-so). Wow, at THREE? Horrible. Anyway, the funny thing is, my daughter had a great friend at school, and the 2 of them didn't like being told by this older girl that they couldn't play with each other, so now they have completely ditched her and are fast friends. Funny how most kids just know that is wrong.
Anyway, good luck. Kids are mean but hopefully this was just an off day.
First of all the step dad should have said it is not nice to say that. He probably had a conversation with him at home about it. So the stepdad did the right thing. Have these boys picked on your son before?? Are they normally friends? All kids will have off days here and there. If that is the case definitely let him go but if it isn't and you are uncomfortable about it then don't. How does your son feel is the key. If he is over it and wants to go let him. That's another consideration.
Nope skip that one...do you really want your son hanging out with such horrible kids?
These are the things that break a mom's heart...!!!!
Take a deep breath. Realize that this stuff goes on with kids all the time. For all you know the mean-boy might have been mad at your son beucase he wouldn't share his chocolate milk, or give him a cookie. Kids are still in the socializtion process and they say and do things that most (not all) adults have learned to filter more appropriately. The boy who didn't want your son invited was probably trying to push himself into a strong position with the soon-to-be birthday boy. At age 6 a classmate's birthday party is a huge social thing. The kids in the class begin discussing it and they all look forward to being toghether outside of the school environment.
With kids this age friendships and loyalties are VERY transient - they change from day to day. So the mean boy's influence over the birthday boy may very well be over. My kids probably only went to about half of the birthday parties they were invited to - since we were in a tight money situation at the time. If the kid wasn't a good friend, or if I didn't hear this kids' name mentioned all the time I figured they weren't that close and we'd decline. Looking back I'm not sure I made the right choice - friendships are forged outside of the classroom and the kids come back to school the next day and they talk about the party. A child who doesn't go to the party may feel out-of-the-loop socially. That's not always a bad thing - but it's something to consider.
See how your son feels about it. Consider talking with the birthday boy's mom and mention your concnerns in a very non-acusatory way. Kids will be kids and they say stuff at one moment that they don't mean an hour later. At age 6 you probably wouldn't leave your child unaccompanied at the party anyway - so you can always go and if your son begins to feel uncomfortable and wants to leave you can claim that he doesn't feel good and you have to leave. Give him an out in advance.
Don't assume that these boys are evil kids. They're 6 and they do and say things that come out sounding mean. Chances are you son may have said some very similar things like that too - about other kids. Just remember - they're 6. They haven't yet learned how to exert their own opinions over more socially adept kids, they say things that they don't mean, they fall to pressures that an adult wouldn't and they don't realize that something they're mad at right now is not going to be a bid deal after lunch is over.
This parenting stuff ain't easy - and you're asking all the right questions. The tough part about all of this is we never know the real "right" or best answer. We muddle through and hope we make the best decisions for our kids. As long as we're there for them, provide a sounding board for them and give them different perspectives to consider, and help them get up, dust themselves off and begin again after a fall - then we're doing our job!
I wouldnt let him go. He can find better friends that arent little brats. And if I was the parent sitting right there, half of that wouldnt have happened. Guess we know where they get it from.
Note: I typed this before there were any responses, so I am just now reading the other posts...
That boils my blood, just thinking about it. I know kids do dumb things all the time, and they don't always think about how it feels to hurt another child's feelings. BUT STILL, it infuriates me. I am so sorry your son had to go through that. I think about my son in that situation, and I could scream it makes me so upset. This situation reminds me EXACTLY why I constantly harp on my son about how his behavior affects other people. I sometimes think I go overboard on the whole *how other people feel* thing with him, but after reading this, I remember now why I do it, so thank you for that.
I don't know what the best thing to do is. I am interested to see what other people think. I'd be worried that if I did take him to the party, that the kids would do something there to alienate him - since they were so cruel to start with and may, in fact, have been forced to invite your son (thank God at least the parent had some sense, although if I were the parent sitting there writing out invites - which why in the world would anyone even do that and why is it even allowed? - anyhow, if I were sitting there, I would have nipped those 2 little meanies right in the bud and confronted them right then and there on their ignorant behavior.) If it truly was a kids-just-being-kids thing, where they are friends one minute, and not the next, then it would probably be ok to go, but I just don't know.
Personally, I wouldn't want my son anywhere near those kids, but I know that doesn't really solve anything. If I had a basketball game to use as a legitimate excuse not to go, I think I'd probably decline the invite, and be sure to accept other invites he receives in the future, so as not to further alienate your son from other kids in the class.
Man, that sucks. Curious to read your responses.
Best wishes to you and your son... :)
Kids can be so mean! If this happened to my daughter in who is in kindergarten, I would talk to her about how real 'friends' should treat each other, and how it made her feel to be treated like that. I would explain to her that it will happen again (maybe at the party but for sure in her years ahead of her) and make sure she has the right response to protect her self esteeme.
To me, this is a form of early bullying and I would want her to know that its not ok for anyone to treat her like that and help her find the tools/words to manage the pain it causes, letting her know its ok to stand up for herself. Then, I would let her make the choice to go or not and I would attend the party with her, instead of just a drop off.
He's in first grade. Kids go from hating eachother to being best friends in under 5 minutes. If your son wants to go, let him go. They will work it out.
Perhaps when you drop him off at the party you can talk to the mom about he incident and ask her to keep an eye on them to make sure there aren't any problems. Just so she'll be on the lookout, then you two can talk again when you pick him up.
It is up to your son. If Ty wants to go or not. He needs to discern whether the nasty boy is worth being friendly with in the future.
It is highly inappropriate to write out the invites in the lunch room. Obviously the step dad is a real social misanthrope. They should have been written at home and handed out quietly since not everyone was going to go to the party.
The school is missing out on controlling bullying here too.
wow - I'd have mixed feelings too! I guess I'd probably let my daughter go (if it happened to her), but I'd not get a gift more than $10... and I'd stay to see what happened at the party. If the 2nd boy is the instigator and not the birthday boy... I'd have a talk with that boy's parents.
I personally would never allow my child to go to a party where he received a pity invite. He'll be better off not going than going and being singled out by what sounds like some mean boys. Take your son out to a movie or something on the day of the party so that he forgets.
I would call to rsvp and state that you appreciate the invite but your son won't be able to make it. If they inquire why or mention the incident tell them that although you understand they are just kids your son would rather not attend as he knows that b-day boy didn't want to invite him and he would feel really ackward attending now feeling he was made to invite him. Add "maybe next year".
I am rather surprised your school allows this sort of thing. Our school will not allow invites to be handed out in any manner at school unless the ENTIRE class is invited...PERIOD. Otherwise, you can call the school and they will give you the addresses to mail out invites. No matter what you decide...and I would probably just plan something really fun for your son that day with a friend or two...and then speak with the school about implementing a policy where this cannot happen to anyone else in the future.
i would not send my child to swim with the sharks if you know what I mean? they obviously said some hurtful things, joking or not, and I feel he is being told to invite your son, I would in good faith decline and send a small gift anyway to see if things change with this group of boys before I would let my son interact on a personal level
Talk to the birthday boys parents.As an end result no I wouldn't send my child to the party regardless of play or intent it hurt someones feelings that being your sons.What happened to the birthday invite policy we have one at our school you either invite everyone in the class or ask for the mailing list from the teacher to send a personal invite via snail mail...
I would not attend the birthday party because then that means that you have to go out and buy a present for a kid who didn't want your kid to attend his party! I DON'T THINK SO!!!! And why was the step dad there doing invitations there in the first place?.. he should have done that at home and had the teacher put a an invite in who she knows are his kid's friends. I as a parent would not allow my child to say anything so mean and hurtful like that to his classmate, I don't care if they are friends or not. What kind of step dad is he???? He should have stepped in and said something, he's wrong for letting that happen!!! I can't stand parents that let their kids talk crazy like that to other kids and they don't say S***!!!!! UGH!!!!!
