Friends or Frenemies?

I would NOT go talk to the mom. The "friend" is not doing anything that warrants a punishment. I cannot see myself punishing my GD because she told someone that she wasn't a fast runner. Come on, now!

What I would do is to tell my son to take these comments with a grain of salt. Seems to me that someone is making this boy feel bad about himself and he's just "paying it forward." I would try to get my son to feel sorry for the "friend" and through empathy, pay no attention to what the friend says. Or just agree "Yeah, I know I'm not as fast as you." I think if he does that, the "friend" will quit with the remarks.

To me he sounds like a bully. I'd keep encouraging your son to branch out and make other friends, and I'd limit his contact with the mean one. Just because you live in the same neighborhood and go to the same school doesn't make it a requirement for the boys to be friends. If he's making your son uncomfortable or upset, I see no reason to continue hanging around with him. If the bullying persists I would definitely get the boy's parents involved, and probably the school too. Stand up for your little boy, and give him the tools to stand up for himself by continuing to be the supportive and loving mom that you are!

Clearly, this is not a friend. Don't ever try to justify this kids behavior by believing your son triggered it somehow. Sit your son down and explain the deferences between friends and people that are not friends and ask him what he want's to do. Show support and let him make the decision of whether he wants to remain friends with this boy or not. And as his mom, you need to fully support it, because this boy has been chipping away at your son's self esteem. Good luck.

I'd go over to his house and talk to his mom. I would tell her what is going on. I'd be very nice about it, and tell her that before you cut ties between the two boys, you'd like to try to talk to her son about the things he says to your child in hopes that he will think twice about it and stop talking to your son this way.

You would be doing the mom AND the boy a favor, quite frankly. She probably has NO idea that he does it. He thinks that no one will tell on him. He needs a reality check.

Talk to him about it in front of the mother after talking to her. Tell him that perhaps he has never realized how hurtful and inappropriate it is to say "x". (You need to specify every one of these comments, by the way.) Tell him that if he wants to continue to play with your son, he needs to stop it.

If the mother is not nice about this to you, then you have lost nothing by trying. If the boy keeps up the behavior, then no more friendship between the two.

I think that your son is too young to handle this on his own and he needs to have the decision made for him.

Good luck,
Dawn

I would talk to your son and just try to get him to make other friends. My son that is in 4th grade now sometimes gets picked on cause he wears glasses and he does gymnastics. Well we tell him #1 the kid that says stuff like that is usually jealous of him. Kids that tease other kids are insecure. If it gets too bad to where he can't handle it anymore you need to talk to the teacher. We've had to do that over the years mostly with my oldest. Cause he's the one that will take things for a long time then blow when he's had enough and when he does that he's the one that gets into trouble. Kids are mean at this age it's not just girls.

I think this could be one of two things: It could be a mutually teasing relationship, where the boys both engage in put-downs and comebacks for fun. Or it could be flat-out bullying. Honestly, I'd suspect the latter.

The message you want to send is, "good friends don't put each other down." You can help your son think up witty comebacks to this kid's put-downs, since that'll help him deal with bullying situations in the future, but I'd also work on helping him to connect with other kids and on easing this bully kid out of his life.

.... so sure, you teach him to feel better.
But at a certain point, a child ALSO has to learn how to choose... friends.
And make other friends.

Sure, a kid can speak up and know how and know right from wrong.
But again, at a certain point, a child also has to learn... that they can CHOOSE to make other friends who are, nice and not mean or bullies.

I don't teach my kids that they have to suck it up and put up with it.
I ALSO teach my kids, since they were Toddlers, how to discern friends and social situations and right/wrong. So that, in time, they are... cognizant of these things and can direct themselves to better situations. And they speak, up.
I teach them not to be a doormat, and that meanness is not something to allow. My kids are now 6 and 9. They do not let mean comments get to them. They know what a friend is or not.
And/or they tell the Teacher if something inappropriate is occurring and they tell me too.

Friends, vary and can change. And is normal. Friends can also be outgrown. I also teach my kids that.

That other boy is denigrating your son.
It is NOT nice.
TELL your son that.
Be pointed and specific.
Don't teach him that HE has to change to please that friend.
It is, wrong. It is not nice. Friends are NOT that way.
Teach your son that.
And teach him how to speak up... and how to know himself for who HE is.

Do not... teach your son that being "competitive" means being mean or derogatory to others. That is NOT what it is. Some of the most competitive people, are ALSO very kind and helpful to others, too.
Don't give your son, excuses for his friend's behavior.
TELL him, it is wrong.
Don't tell your son that he must've done something to precipitate these comments. It is just, mean. Mean is mean.

Teach your son, what a friend is. And how to discern... people.

You need to teach your son to handle this himself. He needs to tell his friend when he is saying things that are unkind. He also needs to spend more time with friends who are nicer to be around. Hopefully his friend will learn something.

Roleplay with your son, who needs some guidance on handling this for himself. Have him practice what he will say when this boy (or anyone else) puts him down.Giving him these verbal skills now is vital, so that he does not end up being too frustrated to use words and lashes out physically. Yes, even the good kids will do that, if they do not know how to react verbally and walk away.

If it's any comfort: These boys are now third grade, right? The social circle in the neighborhood should become much less important to him (and to you) very soon, as kids begin branching out into extracurricular activiites where they find other friends. If your son is not in anything at all outside school, suggest something and let him try some new experiences. It does not have to be team sports, by the way, unless he really wants that; let him try a variety of things in arts and other activities if he likes. But be sure he's doing activities he likes - not just for the sake of finding friends. The friends will come, eventually.

And ensure your son is not always available if this boy comes over and asks if he can play. Sometimes, yes, but your son should be too busy to be constantly available. And I'd see that their play was something non-competitive, if you can.

If you haven't already, talk with the teacher to find out another view on what is happening and for suggestions on how to handle this. If possible go to the school during playground time and observe for yourself. Observe their interaction while they play at your house. This will give you a better understanding of the dynamics between the two of them.

I suggest that rather than telling him he cannot play with the other child you teach him how to react to this sort of bullying. Teach him to leave the other child when he's mistreating him. Remind him that he's smart and capable and that he can leave the area when anyone is belittling him.
Build up his self-esteem. Perhaps go to the playground with him after hours and let him run and play while you praise him.

Yes, encourage other friendships. Can you arrange play dates with other classmates? They don't have to live in the neighborhood.

If you don't have frequent contact with the parents I wouldn't say anything to them. They're apt to be defensive and not understand what you're talking about. I think I'd start spending more time with them so that I could get to know them before talking with them about this.

I agree it's worth finding out if there was an incident at school, but with the clear understanding that you don't expect the teacher to solve the issue.

Then I would have the other boy over for a play date and make sure to linger so you can overhear things. If you hear the other boy say something mean or bullying, intervene and say that bullying talk is not allowed in your house. If it continues (even one more time), arrange to take the child home since "they clearly aren't having any fun." Don't blame it all on the other child, just say that the boys aren't getting along and can't seem to stop the nasty talk. It doesn't matter "who started it" (which is what it will dissolve into) - it matters that this sort of talk goes on at all. Anyone trying to make someone else feel badly (you're not smart, you aren't good at X Y or Z) is not having fun.

Your son also needs to develop some skills at deflecting these comments - which doesn't mean they are okay. He can start by walking away and playing with some other kids. If the school has an anti-bullying program, familiarize yourself with it and what they advise the kids to do, and use the same vocabulary.

Tell your child that friends don't hurt friends or try to make them feel badly. And no, bullying is not gender-specific and it's not acceptable in boys but not girls. I would not say anything to the child's parents except that the play date needs to end sooner than expected or no your child can't go over to play. It's okay to say they are getting on each other's nerves and should take a break. Say that just because they live nearby doesn't mean they're going to be best friends. Do not make it all about their son or make it their problem to solve/defend. That's what makes the neighborhood uncomfortable.

You can also ask the teacher to move them to separate locations in the classroom if that's necessary, but again, you can't ask her to solve all your problems.

I think you need to teach your son not only how to be a good friend, but how to choose good friends.
When he tells you about how the other boy said or did something mean, talk to him about it.
"Oh THAT wasn't very nice! What did you say/do when he said that to you? Did he stop? Did you find someone else to play with?"
Some kids are "pleasers" who want everyone to like them, and sadly they will often not stand up for themselves. And while it would be NICE to be friends with a neighbor it doesn't always work out that way.
Spend some time with him talking about how he feels, how he wants to be treated, etc. so he can learn that it's okay to walk away from people who are not nice or don't play fair. Role play with him. This is a skill he will need for the rest of his life.