My 8 year old daughter has a "best friend" who she completely adores. She met her at this fabulous summer daycamp last year, and they are in it together again this year. We had maybe 3 playdates during the school year while camp was not in session. (I need my D to go somewhere during the day in summer, because I work, and my D loves it as she’s an only child.) The friend is pretty different, and I really don't believe in or like feeling like I’m being judgmental, she's just a little girl! Everyone has their quirks. However, the sum of this girl’s behaviors has brought us to the conclusion that we would prefer she not be an influence on our daughter in the long term, and we don’t want to foster the friendship growing closer, so we’ve decided no more playdates.
In the interest of needing to attempt to keep this concise, please take my word for it, the girl has out of the ordinary issues. She’s very impulsive, the phrase bull in a china closet comes to mind, she has poor physical boundaries i.e. she's very huggy on my daughter, won't let go of hugs, does these stupid piggy grunts while she’s hugging her, sighs, rubs her back, picks her up, etc. She absolutely does not take no for an answer from me, and begs and begs for me to change my “no” on things. She looks shocked when I say no, and even more shocked when I give her the logical explanation why. I am thinking her parents rarely tell her no. She has big time food issues – I give her plenty of snacks at my house, but she asks for more, and will actually leave my D alone to sit and gnosh extensively. She is definitely in the obese category as a result of her overeating. She will get in my pantry, fridge and microwave without asking me, even though she’s been to my house only 3x. When she’s with me, she begs me over and over to take her to particular restaurants. The weight in itself doesn't matter to me (I was a chunky kid) but looking at her total behavior, I feel she has issues beyond normal kid quirks. She gets very possessive and upset if my daughter pays attention to other kids, and sends her notes about "loyalty." Every verbal communication she has is very dramatic. And I’ve been around a lot of kids this age, and seen the range – this kid is beyond.
To make matters worse, her parents are iffy. I am certain she gave my D lice, and her parents allowed her to come to our house without disclosing to me that she had it. I had her at my house on a playdate (initiated by her parents, not me), and she said "my lice comb out was a couple of days ago." I about hit the roof, called her dad, who was very condescending to me that once she's combed out, it's not contagious, “but you can bring her home if you want” followed by a guilt inducing sigh. So, not wanting to be the bad guy, I let them play together for an hour while I fumed. Well, from that one encounter, my D did get it shortly thereafter. Nobody at our school had lice, and it doesn't appear from nowhere. Whether that was the source or not, I was completely pissed that the parents had not told me and sent her to my house. And I learned from personal experience that getting rid of lice is a process, not a one time comb out!!
My D really likes her because my D is more inhibited and likes to be around kids that are more outgoing, but this is just not working for me. Additionally, my husband has laid down the law - no more, the kid's weird, we hardly know the parents and what we know is not stellar – there’s other stuff I could I say about them, but this is getting long. So the plan is I won't ask for playdates and we'll be busy if asked. However, my D absolutely refers to her as her best friend and says they will go to college together some day. So I'm feeling horrible in anticipation of the next time they ask for a playdate, I make excuses, and my D doesn't understand.
My questions – are we being too protective? How the heck have other parents in a situation like this handled it? My DH says since she’s only 8, we can control it, and we should while we can, it will be much harder when she’s older. I worry I’m blowing it out of proportion, and very awkward that I’ve met the parents a few times, and now they will be figuring out I’m ditching them and probably be insulted. And yet, I’ve got this gut feeling my DH is right. My D has other friends from her school, where I’ve gotten to know the moms better and do feel comfortable with playdates, the friendships, etc., so I don’t think I’m completely protective. When I was growing up, my mom didn’t even meet parents, she’d just send me after school on the bus to someone’s house, completely unknown. I am obviously still alive, LOL! And I’m sure some of my richer friends parents thought I was some kind of urchin latch key kid that they wish didn’t hang with their kid! But when your mom-sense is telling you something… I honestly wonder if there’s some bad dysfunctional thing in this kid’s life. I also realize it could be she has sensory or other issues?
Any thoughts or advice? Sorry this is so long.
sounds like Asperger's to me..my son 18, has it....thankfully he learned to behave socialy over the years..it's not easy...on both sides :)
Your daughter is 8.
Mine is 8 too.
ALL along her growing up, from 2 years old, I talked to her & my son, openly, about people/friends/life/social situations and why's and why nots.
Anyway, there is a good book series, the "American Girl" book series. It is for the Tween ages, which is from 9-12 years old. It is easy to read, for this age group, and meant to also be read with Mommy.
It has various book titles, so Google search it. Any bookstore has it.
There is one about "The Care & Keeping Of You," and about friends etc.
You can use it as a way to talk about certain topics with your daughter.
To guide her.
Now, any parent watches the kinds of friends their child has. My parents did that too. IF they felt another child was not appropriate for whatever reason, they told us... and why and explained fully in ways we could understand. In doing so, they taught us about life.... about how to choose friends, how to be our OWN person and not just a follower etc.
AND to know... when a friend is doing something... that is questionable for whatever reason.
In a nutshell: they taught us the SKILLS.... to "DISCERN" people and kids.
I do the same with my kids, who are 5 and 8 years old. They are 'wise' about people/other kids, even at their young ages.
There is a reason to be protective.... there is a reason to allow a child to find out things on their own... BUT.... it has to be, within THEIR best interests and so it does not harm them. It is a fine line.
BUT... if my kids are friends with someone who I feel is inappropriate OR their Parents, I tell my kids and why.
I have never had that problem before, with my kids.
They knock on wood, have good instincts about 'choosing' friends.
And their parents are like minded, like myself as well. So it has worked out. So far.
A parent exists to guide our children.
We cannot control everything... but we have to evaluate all scenarios and per what has happened already, that is inappropriate. And, whether or not.... we are "social workers" for our kids' friends... who seem to be from not a 'good' background or family life. We don't have to be. Or we can. But... if it affects your child and household in a detrimental way... then that is not real good.
If whatever a friend's behavior is... and if it is harmful/negative and starts to invade your home.... and that other child is a bad influence.... and her parents... then, you as a parent, can have boundaries. And explain to your child... about friends. And HOW to choose friends, WISELY.
And yes, listen to your Mommy radar and instincts.
As a parent, we don't have to allow.... every single friend that our kid has. And we have to keep in mind, age too.
I have had many friends. And types of friends.
No one is completely perfect.
But you teach your child skills... so that they can manage and discern.... future socializing and friends.
It is taught.
It is learned.
Also, friends always changes in school. It is a fickle thing.
Maybe just teach your child the idea that making other friends is nice too.
With my kids, I tell them honestly and point blank... my logic and reasoning for friends and how to choose. And why and why not.
I don't make "excuses" to them. That way, they learn, from MOMMY.... about how to discern friends. Wisely.
Honestly I can not say if you are being over protective, I don't know what this kid is really like, but readying your post makes me feel sorry for her. But in the end, when it comes to playdates, it is your house, your rules, and if she can not follow them than she would not be welcome.
She'd drive me crazy, and I would definitely limit or nip this relationship. I can't stand it when kids question my rules in my house. Sounds like you have an easy out as you don't live close to her, so I'd be "busy" when the mom called for playdates. Foster a friendship with someone else for your DD. As for the lice thing, it does sound like your daughter picked them up from this child, but there are people out there that things like this (lice) don't bother them. (I'm not one of those -they freak me out!) That would be the icing on the cake for me that she sent her daughter over knowing she still was infested. One comb out is never enough. Good riddance crazy mom and daughter!
as a mom with a kid who has some quirks and special needs - this breaks my heart to read.
it is hard being on the other side - do what you think is right for your daughter and family - but don't discount what your daughter's friendship may mean to this little girl.
I don't think you have to justify your decisions on this. Just do what your gut is telling you. She is your daughter, you set your boundaries. It's what moms do, right? Don't second guess yourself on this.
Well, here's the way I see it. My kids have all have, um, friends, who are VERY different from MY kids. I have used it as a learning opportunity, or a bonding opp with my own kids.
I should mention though, that I find ALL kids fascinating, especially the little weird ones. I like to know them, it's way more likely a little of MY family will rub of on them, then THEM rubbing off on my kids. I like to embrace them all!
It is likely your daughter will soon reach a point where this girl is too much trouble, considering their personality differences. As this happened with my kids, uh, unique friends. They have enough self respect to set their own boundaries, you know?
Use this one friend YOU know to show your daughter how to be a GOOD friend, but still to respect HERSELF when it comes to the differences. Since there will be MANY friends of your daughters in the very near future that you will never meet, or even know about.
:)
It shouldn't be too tough to phase it out. It sounds like they don't go to the same school. Can you send her to a different summer program next year? Continue to be "busy" with other friends. You could also have a talk with your daughter about your concerns about her behavior and her manners (lack thereof), and encourage her to invite over some of her other friends.
:) I smile because I have a 8 year old as well. His best friend was this strange kid that ended up crying at my sons birthday party because we did not have the flavor of soda he wanted (he wanted mountain dew). I had bad friends all through high school. My mom was ok with it just as long as the play dates were at our house so she could watch over the situation and make sure things went ok. I have handled things the same. A lot of the friends I had liked hanging out at my house as older kids because it was there only chance at getting a glimpse of a stable home. I will be interested to see what others say. Good luck!
All this worry over what, 3 possible playdates? The lice thing would have made me angry though (not at the kid, but the parents).
If you don't want your kid around this other kid, that is okay. Stop the calls or communication. Since your daughter has other friends, encourage them to get together.
Maybe next year, the girl will have matured a bit. You'll find out at camp, right?
I think your husband is right on track. Just follow his lead.
Nip it in the bud without another thought. of course you are busy. i would not tell your daughter, but you are done with them.
i did it and i wonder why i ever settled for x and y. yes, my daughter needed friends, but time with them meant time she was unavailable for real friends.
I agree with what Leigh R. said. A little empathy can go a long way, even while still encouraging other friendships for your daughter.
Yes there may be something dysfunctional in the friend's life/home---such as lack of food, boundaries etc.
Yet pulling the 2 apart may not be the best idea---and can cause confusion in your D'.
I remember my mom not liking one of my dearest friends. She had made a judgement call that was totally wrong, -------why because my friend was not quite middle class. It caused resentment from me toward my mom! 35 years later we are still dear friends and I value that friendship to my mother's dismay but eventual acceptance!
Sometimes parents make judgement calls, that can cause unintended results without knowing al the details. It is possible that the friends outgoingness is good for your D as they balance each other---who knows
they are little girls who think/believe that they are BFF, unless negative behaviors have begin---lying, stealing, drugs violence----let it go!
I would be worried about that little girl, it sounds like something is not quite right...
I might not invite her over if she isn't decently behaved, BUT don't tell your daughter to look for other friends. It is good to be friends with a variety of people, and learn that you can still appreciate people who are not considered "normal"- but still expect her to behave according to your expectations!
If you are not "hip" on the parents, don't let your daughter stay over there. If something is going on at home with that girl, you don't want your child involved (sometimes the problem is the parents are "inactive"- which is not necessarily a crime, so don't jump to any conclusions, but be safe with your child).
Now, my daughter is 2.5- so way younger, but she is a big "hugger" and kisser. She would smother our baby, our dog, and her friends with love if we didn't stop her... some kids just are that way... But by age 8 I would expect a child to have some self-control, but they only get it through guidance!
Now, don't set a double standard though, if you won't have your daughter go to their house, don't ask her over to yours, that WILL insult the parents, and they may be fine people, even if the are "different." Instead, if the kids are dying to play together, plan a play date at a park or something. Other than that, the kids can play at school.
Some of my longest lasting friends were a little "dysfunctional". But deep down, they were good people, and having those friends taught me a lot about tolerance, compassion and acceptance. BUT, most of those friends never had me over for sleepovers either.
-M.
