My Son Thinks Everyone Hates Him

From time to time, my kids will say, "You don't love me," then they put a smile on their face and giggle because they know I do. That has led to coversations where I tell them I always love them, no matter what. Even when I am mad and don't like their behavior, I love them.

When I discipline my kids (usually with timeouts or removing privileges) I give them a hug and tell them I love them. As appropriate, I explain my jobs as a mom - to teach them how to behave, keep them safe, teach them how to make good decisions, etc. I also explain thre rules and consequences often so they know what to expect. After discpline has been handed out, we talk about what better decisions could have been made, then we do the hugs, kisses, I love you's. When they are behaving I try to praise them or show them affection - a quick hug, a smile, etc.

My son (my oldest) will be 5 in a few weeks and rather than saying that "everyone hates him" when he is disciplined, he says, "I want knew parents who don't grumble at me." I guess this is an age where they are sensitive to criticism, displine, etc and increasingly aware of socialization. Good luck!

Have you talked to his Kindergarten teacher to see if something happened at school? I would do that for sure if you haven't already.
My son is 6. I tell him that I love him every minute of every day but sometimes I don't like his behavior. I tell him this when he's NOT doing something wrong so he's not having the "poor me" feelings when he hears it. I also tell him that when he misbehaves, I still love him but he needs to sit and think about his behavior. Maybe if you make the difference between "him being bad" and "his behavior being bad" he'll eventually understand? Good luck! Tough little nuts, boys that age!

Lots of good suggestions already; here are a few more:
1. There's a good story about a cat named Rotten Ralph, the family cat who is "hard to love"--but no matter what he does, the family reinforces their love for him (even when he eats the family's lobster dinner!). You might read him some of these, if you find the message fits with your outlook.

2. Separate HIM from his BEHAVIOR, and let him know that you always love him, even if you don't like his behavior. If he does something inappropriate, it's not that HE is bad, it's that the behavior that he's chosen isn't appropriate for a particular situation.

Best of luck.
L.

Is he being bullied? Talk to his teacher they can ask around and help find out what is going on. Talk to your child let him know he can talk to you about anything. He may be stressed out from school who know just keep talking to him, don't push at him just keep conversation open. My oldest had a hard time and was extremely stressed out to the point of desperately asking to be homeschooled. so I feel for you and your son. I will be praying for you both.

good morning A.,
Someone ' hurt' your son to the 'core'
sounds like he is very sensitive by nature [ an artist]
or the school yard ' bullys' found him .
If an adult and or teacher hurt him ..... take legal action and help your child.
This is called ' MOMMY RADAR"
start watching him .... take mental notes ...
mommys know the answer .
a grammy

One thing you could try, and do it several different times to make sure it gets through, is to talk to him about behavior and consequences When He is NOT in trouble. When you're not mad, no voices have been raised, accusations thrown etc. A calm talk.

Here is an example of how it could go.

"Mommy's job is to make sure you learn what to do and what not to do. When you do what you're not supposed to do Mommy's job is to tell you about it. I know when you make a mistake it makes you upset but everyone makes mistakes. I'm just trying to help you not make as many.

So what are some of our big rules (no hitting, yelling, talking back etc.) Well, when you do something you're not supposed to do what is Mommy's job? (To give time out, make me sit, send me to my room) Right. So we both have jobs to do. You get to learn to do what's right and I get to help you do that. So when I correct you just calmly and without screamig or yelling go and do what you're supposed to do and it will all be over quickly. I will always love you, even when you make mistakes." Etc etc etc etc.

I know it seems lengthy and maybe not worth the effort BUT it clarifies expectations, how to deal (for him) with the situation.

If you want to take it a step further practice it.

"Ok, I'm going to give you a pretend time out and I want to see how well you can do it." You can even reward this with a lollipop, game etc if he does well. Even tell him that in advance. Do this several times too, with each different consequence he'll do.

This will reinforce that for obeying us when he is being disciplined there is a benefit.

Good luck and happy parenting.

By the way, if your child is in time out he might be one of those who tries to talk his way through it. If he's yelling these things out in order to avoid the silent time please tell him in advance that part of your job is not to talk to him during time out and that you will not answer him until it is over.

Sounds like he is insecure about himself due to the way he is treated in class. That may not always be a bad thing. Sometimes we put our kids first and what may be acceptable in the family is not to other kids or the teacher. I would call the teacher and discuss the problems and see if she is aware,since the teacher has to be with them for 6 hours.

Hi A.,

This is a very delicate situation as you already know.

Evidently, your son is not being able to express his feelings to others.

I would suggest that you start asking him how he is feeling in as many situations as you can.

For Example:

When you talk to him, use this format.

"When you .............(describe the behavior), I feel.................(describe your feeling). In the future,............(describe what you need him to do).

Give your son the opportunity to do this same thing.

Teach him how to give you and others feedback with the same format.

Good luck. D.

I have to agree this is a power play move. When he says this he gets comfort and he's not in as much trouble. Hey, at least he's smart enought to learn how to work the system!

My son says stuff like "I hate myself for doing that" or other things to the like. I tell him to stop being a drama queen and to stop whatever he's doing, or sit on the naughty step or whatever I was going to do anyway.

If you're concerned about what he's saying however, deal with it when he's not in trouble so you know he's not manipulating the situation.

OK, Of COURSE, you open the channels first, and look around to make sure nothing bad is happening to him at school, which i'm sure you already know.

BUT, since he ONLY does it when an adult corrects him-looks like a new found power play or way to rebel against being told something-using a new vocabulary he has learned at school about "everyone hating him" etc. He's the natural age to not want to be corrected, and he has new insecurities and independence, so it's a new phase.

It is sort of a backwards way to talk back to you and other adults when you reprimand him. I personally would change that answer from him (once I have made sure there is no situation at school as I said above) by not indulging it at all or letting it throw you off course for your original reprimand.

The first time, you could say, "No one hates, you, we love you, you are not bad, you just shouldn't do this. You are not allowed to...." Always finish by repeating your original position and enforcing it. Don't let him guilt you out of it with the "you hate me" thing.

Then after a couple of times, you can correct him for saying that by calmly telling him not to say it, like "Do not tell me I hate you when I am telling you how to behave, that is not nice, you must listen to us when we tell you this or that..." and if he still continues, and you are sure he understands he is not supposed to do it, you should enforce discipline for doing it so he stops. Treat it like talking back. Defiance takes many shapes over the years, stay ahead of it, and stay calm!

Be sure to add in some new big boy fun times into his routine to counterbalance the new school woes if he seems unhappy any other way, and always praise him when he accepts your reprimand properly. Good luck!

When it happens, just respond consistently, with an I love you, AND I want you to behave. Don't use an I love you, BUT line. Make it an "AND", because that's what you really mean.

Make lots of time when things are going well to sneak hugs and I love you's in. We still say it to our girls every night at bedtime, and with my young adults, we close every conversation with it. I made a conscious decision that if I should die, and not see them again, I wanted to be sure they knew KNEW I loved them. So we repeat those words all the time. That's how I close conversations with my own Mom, too, know. Probably people think I'm nuts, but it was a conscious decision to be sure I said it to the people I love while I'm here to remind them.

I think you'll find that it's a stage, and he's trying to work you. So just counter it with the truth. You love him, and because you love him, you want him to grow up well. You may also want to let him know sometimes, that you do things wrong to at times, that you make decisions you wish you could have changed, and sometimes you make mistakes. Everyone does, and we all pay a price for those things. When we're kids, we get disciplined for them, when we are grown up, we have to pay the cost of the decision, whatever it is -- like not getting a raise at work, or losing a friend, or whatever it is.