My Sister-in-law Constantly Reprimands My Child Who Is Older than Her 2 Year Old

My SIL who is over 40 and has no children of her own feels it is her responsibility to reprimand my son as welll. My son is mostly well behaved but he is 3 and can get a little rowdy sometimes. It annoys me to no end that she won't just enjoy being his Auntie. I try to remind her of expected behavior for his age and also praise him in front of her so she sees the good and not just what she percieves as bad.

I am sorry, But there is NO WAY I will let anyone talk to my child this way. You are the parent NOT her. I have a sister-in-law and we understand each other. I will talk to her about a situation if there is one. She will handle it. I will put my foot down now. Just because she feels a child needs to act a certain way, may not work for everyone else. My SIL has 4 little ones and I have 2 little ones. We do not see eye to eye but again, we understand each because I let her know from the start how I work. I would have a talk with her, from here forward she has any issues she needs to address it to you and you will handle it. I know kids should respect there elders but there is a fine line when someone else is taking on the parent role. Sorry this just bought up some memories.

ADDING THIS: (just read your edit):
Okay, your SIL is "OCD" or something... do NOT let her mental issues.... change you as a Mom or your family.
SHE has issues. SHE is displacing it onto you/your kids, because she cannot "control" her own impulses. Thus she is trying to 'control' everyone else..
Her poor child... will grow up, adversely, due to her Mom's mental issues... your SIL, should see a Doctor or Therapist or Psychiatrist.
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Oh just ignore her.
YOU are the Mom.
She is just a Nagging Nellie and a Bossy Betty.
Sheesh.
And.... since that is her personality... she will probably continue, to act like that... to you/your kids. So beware....

I bet, she couldn't even handle it if SHE had 2 kids of her own.

I feel sorry for her daughter, she isn't allowed to be a 'child.' Just a robot. Her kids... will be really restricted... and too sheltered.
Kids are not 'robots.' They explore, play, are curious and have fun and DO laugh.... at obnoxious people. ie: your SIL.

Ignore her.
I HOPE your Husband... backs you up? He should.

all the best,
Susan

I would tell my SIL in the future, "It's ok, (her name), It would be much bettter if I take care of any behavior issues with (Johnny and Susan.., your kids names) when we are together, you have enough to take care of with (her daugther's name)." It sounds like she is a little bossy and overly controling, she will get the hint if you say this a few times when she starts to take over and I dont think it is too offensive , it sounds like you are trying to help her. Good luck, hope it helps.

I would be really upset if one of my SILs grabbed my son and reprimanded him, unless it's a matter of life & death... though maybe your SIL is a worrywort and thought it was life & death.

I think you should approach her privately (make sure your DH knows & back you up), and let her know that if your kids need to be reprimanded or disciplined, to please respect your rights as a parent and let you handle it. And also that while you two may not see 100% eye to eye on disciplining/raising children, you respect her right to raise her kid(s) and will give her the same respect that you want for your family. Try to use "I statements" and to not be accusatory or be on the defensive.

What took you so long?? I would have set her straight the first time. LOL!

Is she reprimanding him because you aren't? I couldn't tell from the story, it didn't sound like you were really doing anything about his behavior. I have a friend who lets her kid run around and misbehave which is a bad example to our kids. We gently have to be the parent for her, because she lets it all happen, and seems oblivious half the time that it makes people uncomfortable.

My sister and I have 6 kids between us, and when we are out, we take turns reprimanding whichever kid we are closer too, whether its ours or not.

If she isn't giving you a chance to parent, then by all means talk to her and get this straightened out so your outings together will be more pleasurable for everyone. But if she is picking up your slack, then take a hint and be on top of it.

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Also just read your edit. Yeah, sounds like she has some control issues, she was probably upset b/c of playing on the floor thing, I know I have some ocd issues about some of that stuff as well, and wouldn't let my child play in a restaurant either. I still would talk to her privately, let her know, if she is bothered by something that is serious, then to speak with you first. But, you can't always change people, so just know around her, things will be a little uptight. At my in-laws house, they are really uptight about some things, so my kids on are a much 'tighter leash' there, then they would be at my my grandmothers house.

GAWD, WHAT IS WITH IN LAWS!!!!
OK. Maybe you're letting your kid be a raving brat all the time, and maybe she's worried about the welfare of her daughter with your son and secretly hates your parenting etc. but STILL!!!! (by the way, I know you're not and your son is good, just saying even if that was the case ) She should not feel free to reprimand your son, and it's your job to tell her that.

I'm a very strict parent, I always make sure my kids are well behaved, especially in public and with other kids, but even SO, once my elderly neighbor reprimanded my son for something I didn't think was wrong-whacking a plastic golf club toy on the sidewalk, and she told him to stop and then sternly took it away from him. I was SHOCKED at how mad it made me. I let it slide because she's over 80, but sheesh! There is a serious boundary when it comes to reprimanding other people's kids, and it shouldn't be crossed. I would NEVER reprimand someone else's child, even friend or family's. I may tell them not to do something in a friendly manner, like not hit my kids or something, but I would leave the heavy lifting to their parents.

For the friends with kids all wild doing things my kids can't and stressing us out, we just don't go to restaurants with them anymore etc. We would never TELL someone's kids what to do.

Tell your SIL from now on you only want your son listening to you for discipline, it's something you and hubby decided, he only takes orders from his parents. Make sure hubs backs you up. If she says something like, "But you don't do anything" then say, "Well, if you don't want to hang with us then I understand, but don't reprimand my child."
Be strong. She' s way out of line.

I agree with one of the responses below about teaching kids manners in public. We've been taking our 3 year old to restaurants since he was born and we've always tried our best to teach him manners while waiting and eating. He's not always a gem, but he knows for the most part that he needs to wait in his seat and cannot run around like a crazy person. It is very disrespectful for others who are dining out, if random children are running amock.

I get the feeling that your SIL felt the same and way that since you weren't doing anything to stop the situation, she felt she had to step in. She was probably kind of embarrassed that the kids were running around, whether people were sitting near you or not.

If this bothers you, maybe try not to eat out with them anymore since you seem to have different opinions on how children should behave in public.

I've been parenting for 25 years, and a daycare provider for 24 years and I know that most people hate it when others discipline our own children, even our own spouses. That's just pride and we all feel it sometimes, but it's really an unhelpful emotion. The real question is why were you just letting your child run all around? Children shouldn't be running all around like that in a social situation, especially while waiting. It's rude and annoying for others that would rather not be on edge waiting for a child do to something unpredicable that might hurt themselves, fall and start screaming, etc. and or knock something down, break something, and otherwise destroy the nice time the adults are trying to have. You should have enough personal pride to not want others to think your child is undisciplined and that you are rude enough to allow the child to control social situations. I personally would have no desire what-so-ever to spend time in public with a child and parent that will simply ruin my little bit of free time I get. People work hard and it can be difficult to get everyone together for these kinds of family dinners. If the children are to be present, they should be taught to wait patiently, quietly, and use good manners.

It's not appropriate for her to reprimand your son when his parents are present to do it, and you and hubby should speak to her in a non confrontational way about it. If she reprimands him again, you can say, "I'm right here, I've got it under control." If she doesn't want her child out of her seat in a restaurant, you may both need to come to an agreement, or it may be time for the 2 year old to learn that not all moms have the same rules and that it is not fair that your 4 year old can't do normal 4 year old things simply because there is a two year old baby there. However, if your son is giggling when an adult tries to speak with him seriously, then there are some behavioral issues that need to be addressed and perhaps letting him run around at a restaurant instead of remaining seated isn't the best thing. My kids are 15 and 11, and I expected them to stay seated for meals when they were young, and if it was too much for them, a parent would take them for a walk. Kids really do need to learn proper table manners and how to enterain themselves when there's nothing to do. Bring your own crayons, paper or small toys/games for them to amuse themselves during downtime at a restaurant

You know, we all make decisions about when to allow a kid to be a kid and when it is time to step in and make them conform to adult rules. Clearly kids should not be allowed to run all over a restaurant but their needs should be respected too. It sounds like they were playing and not disrupting anyone in the process but that is a matter of personal perspective.

I think that you should let your SIL know that you and your DH are in charge of your kids not her (and vice versa for you). She may disagree with you but when you are with your kids, you are the one who is responsible for deciding how and when to discipline them. Hopefully you are establishing clear boundaries and sticking to them consistantly with full confidence that you are doing the right thing and teaching them what is appropriate behavior in public settings and at home. This is not negotiable--it is a parental responsibility. Your and your SIL are family--you all should focus on providing love and affection without judgement. That is what family is for.

One more thought--your son was giggling at her while she was reprimanding him? Clearly he does not respect her. Personally, I would have taken him to task for that even if you did not like what she was doing. Like it or not, she is his aunt and an adult and he should be taught to respect her. I wonder if he is picking up on your feelings about her--something to consider. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!

I am definately with you on this one. If you are there and don't consider what your child is doing to be a problem...she needs to back off. However, she is also your children's aunt and as an adult should be able to correct your child if necessary (if you and your husband are there it is NOT necessary).

I disagree with Amy J in that your child should NOT only listen to you. When he goes to school he will have a teacher, principal and other adults to listen to. When he is with a friend and their parents tell him something he needs to listen. Telling him otherwise is setting the stage for more problems later (part of the problem kids seem to have with authority these days).

I suggest telling your SIL calmly that you do not agree with how she seems to want your child to behave and therefore would appreciate that she not take the iniative to correct him unless it is an immediate safety issue or you or hubby is not there to step in as his parents.

On a side note...it isn't fair that her child had to sit but that was her call. Kids will be kids!

Wow. Just dealing with this myself. I'm on the more relaxed side myself. We don't have blanket restaurant rules for my 3 year old. If the place is quiet, sure, I'll let her walk around if she's restless. If there is a lot of traffic and servers moving around she has to stay in her seat. Or, more likely, we won't eat there.

But I have a friend who is more like your SIL. A lot like her. And she recently berated me for a lot of the issues the previous commenters mentioned. Not parenting my kids, not taking responsibility... etc.

I don't see it as a matter of pride that I'm offended. I choose to parent differently. My child will absolutely learn rules and manners and appropriate behaviors in a restaurant. But I don't expect perfection at age 3. I also avoid taking her places where she'd feel frustrated and I'd have to tell her control her beyond her tolerance. At a quiet outdoor tavern restaurant.... sheesh.

Also - giggling is a sign of stress. I don't think he was trying to be disrespectful. More afraid and uncertain of how he was supposed to respond. Forcing children to meet your gaze is very threatening to them. They meet your gaze naturally when they trust you and understand the situation.

Sounds like you handled the situation appropriately.

good luck with the future... not sure how i'm going to handle my friend...

Just thought of something else... someone mentioned that your son needs to learn to respect his Aunt. I agree with this. But the questions is HOW you are doing to teach that. I think kids can handle some pretty sophisticated rules. For instance, you can teach him that at her house we need to follow her rules, even if we don't agree with them. You can still teach him that she may not yell at him or punish him, but that he can calmly (as much as possible) come and find you if he has any difficulty with her so that you and your SIL can discuss the situation. And he will know that in her house you may agree with her, even if it is not a rule you care about personally in your own home. If you're meeting at a different place, like a restaurant, you could discuss her expectations with him ahead of time, explain to him how you care about her feelings (even if you don't) and come up with the temporary "rules" for the day. This would teach him that you care about family and their quirks, even if you don't agree with them. I've tried to explain to my 3 year old that different people have different rules and in their own house, they are the boss. I've also taught her to respect our guests - so when Grandpa comes over, for instance, she has to wear clothes at all times. Even though we don't care about naked toddlers, it bothers Grandpa :)

She needs to back off. Unless there is imminent danger or something like that, it's the mother's job to talk to their child.

If your SIL is that neurotic, you are probably not going to be able to change her (though having a civil discussion with her, in private, is probably a good idea). You might want to have a talk with your son, explaining that this is how Aunt So-and-So is, and we all just have to deal with it, so that he doesn't get too upset by her reprimands. This may just be one of those things that you have to accept, because you cannot change it (however annoying it is!). She is family, after all. Good luck!

Okay, I agree with her pulling him away from the water's edge. I have a fear of kids falling in water... but after that her scold should've only lasted a few seconds. Since you were right there she should've let you and hubby handle it.