I Don't Think I like One of My Nephews

Here are a couple of weblinks that may be of assistance:
http://www.wcax.com/story/17082706/study-child-behavior-p...
http://www.gaps.me/

Good luck,
MD

I urge you to be upfront with her and tell her how you feel about the way her son treats your son. Ask her if she'd be willing to stop him from saying those things.

Yes, she may get a bit defensive but I suggest that the two of you can work it out. What do you have to lose? The alternative is to not spend time with her anyway.

By pass your sister and you start correcting the little guy.In front of her if you must and let her know you feel death wishes are too threatening.Remind her that when they do that in school they are in five day suspensions and are on behavior programs, etc. etc. No fun. It's her future, too, and she needs to step up to the plate.

Your nephew could have some underlying emotional issues. Has he seen a professional? If not, this may be a recommendation to your sister. Tell her the truth.... you're unhappy being around him because of the way he treats you and your children. You love her, you want to spend time with her and her children... but you have to feel comfortable and safe at the same time. This is not going to go over well, but it's best said and important that you follow through on not spending time with them until she has him assessed and a plan is put into place. You could offer to have "sisters night out" until then; no kids allowed.

Angie, you sister needs to get him some help. There, I said it. This child has not "improved" enough. Your sister is blind because she wants to be.

I would pull back, if I were you. Not because he is a bad boy, not because you don't "like" him, but because your sister needs a wake-up call. If she doesn't get him some help, he's going to end up in a mess of trouble in school and have no friends.

Sometimes the only way we can help someone is to not spend time with them.

Good luck,
Dawn

It's time to just get things on the table and tell her your feelings and concerns. I think she knows how you're feeling already, and I suspect, since she came to you saying her kid's improving, she knows that you are unhappy with the situation, but she is hoping her relationship with you isn't done beyond repair and willing to gamble that her child may not act up, if she keeps pushing for get togethers...even if he inevitiably will.

I also suspect she has a problem bigger than trying to control what some assume is a spoiled child and she knows it, but doesn't know what to do about it. The kid sounds like he has something else very serious behavior-wise going on than just a terrible disposition. "Hate" and "die" are pretty serious words and the emotions behind them are huge...even in a 4-year-old. He may not fully understand the seriousness of the words, but it sounds like he gets the emotions and energy that are supposed to be behind them. He's troubled. The question is why?

Clearly, sis is trying to work on his behavior and knows his behavior hurts others. But what I don't think she realizes is that she may need to get outside professional help for him, or perhaps she is, but hasn't felt she can tell you that there is something wrong for fear of judgment and isolation.

Just like you, others have probably been avoiding her and it's making her afraid and determined to try to force get togethers even if it isn't the best idea for the kid right now.

Have you noticed, when others struggle with a problem, that the people in their lives seldom offer help or acknowledge it in a generous way? Either because they think it is rude, not their place, or they just don't want to share in their problem? By doing this, the people around them tend to judge (she and her kid are bad), assume (she's doing nothing to curb the problem), or avoid (don't want to confront her so just stay away). When what she probably needs is someone to sympathize and perhaps offer support. While the kid annoys and it's easy to wield blame, step back and see what the real root of the problem truly is. I'll bet it is something other than bad parenting.

She sounds like she needs support right now and is trying to reach out to you for help. Sounds like she is overwhelmed because she has a child with a problem that goes beyond discipline or parenting styles. Perhaps the child has ODD or some other problem that requires therapy or medical assistance rather than discipline measures.

Whatever the deal, I think considering you are her sis, you should in a thoughtful way talk to her about her child. Hopefully she will not take offense but be relieved that you want to help her get the help she needs in dealing with a difficult child. She is probably a very good parent in a very difficult situation that has nothing to do with her parenting abilities. It could very well be a thing of her having a child with special needs or challenges. Be a support not a judge. Not saying you need to sacrifice your child's feelings or safety to appease your sis and her son. But I am saying you should reach out and try to come up with a solution or at least explain why you will/are limiting time with her son.

If she has not disciplined this behavior there is no way of knowing if it's a bigger problem or just typical lack of discipline. Either way, it's going to continue, so unfortunately, I would avoid. I don't like my little kids around mean kids. Period. My kids are disciplined and respectful, and I don't feel the need to sit by while other kid are allowed to be mean. If I had a family member like this, I would say, "I don't let my kids behave that way, so I don't want them around kids who are allowed to act that way, nothing personal, it's just a parenting style thing". If she starts the "I don't LET him" thing, just change the subject. You have your rights and you child's happiness and safety come first.

Personally, when it comes to family, if my child was in this situation, I'd correct the kid. Your child is at risk, so you protect him. She gets mad, too bad. And I do the same thing to strangers' children if they are hitting/pushing mine. It's not right and if a parent isn't going to correct their child and I can't find the parent, I'll tell the child to stop and that it's not nice. If I can find the parent, I'll let them know what's going on.

Like the others said, you don't have to attack her parenting, or mention how you feel about her child, but you can tell her exactly why you don't spend time - focus on the behavior of the child.

And maybe she should do some family therapy if it seems like he's got bigger issues going on.

Your nephew is a "victim" (too strong of a word but you know what I mean), so don't take it out on him. As others said, your sister is the problem and she's obviously been a bad teacher to her son. I hope you can make your point accross in a constructive manner, but I guess it depends on how humble and mature your sister is. Good luck.

I get what you are saying but even if you disagree w/ how she parents, you have the right to stand up for your child. Early on when he would say things AND hit without being corrected (at that age it may have just be redirecting) then you certainly should have at the very least said "Johnny, it is not ok for you to hit little ones" and picked your child up if necessary. But that is behind you now and you have a 4yr old being very rude to say the least. You now have two choices, you can talk to you sister and tell her (when things are not heated) that while you don't want to overstep w/ her children since you do differ on parenting you also don't want your son treated that way. Ask her if she plans to do more or if she wants you to (which as his aunt seems perfectly reasonable). Your other option is to limit your time w/ your sister to time w/out the little ones. I don't like that option either because they are cousins AND he still has to learn how to behave.

Obviously I have a different relationship with my sister because we allow each other to correct our children's issues. If I were in this situation, I would tell my sister that you won't have your kids get together again unless she's okay with me disciplining or correcting her kid's behavior. Otherwise, I don't feel comfortable or safe with them being together. I would also NEVER leave these kids alone.

If you like her company, invite her out for coffee, without the kids. If she asks, you can say, "Sis, I'm not sure how to say this, but while I like your company, the business of your son hating my child is too much. I can't subject my child to that behavior and until it gets better and/or my child is able to defend himself, I just don't think family get togethers are going to happen very often."

I don't think it's PPD. I think it's just her kid. At the end of the day, her son hates your son. Until she gets a handle on it, there's a problem. Whatever the reason for her son's behavior, it's directed at your kid (and at least in the past it was directed at other kids, too). Maybe also say, "I know that Younger Son isn't as easy a kid as Older Son was. Would you like any help in seeing what resources our community has to help you?"

I have a cousin who was hateful when we were kids. She was used to being the center of attention and never got over having to share the spotlight. I avoid her as an adult (she's still the same way) but as a kid I was so angry when our grands wouldn't believe that there was anything wrong. We didn't want to play with her because she was MEAN. The day I was old enough to latch key it, was glorious. Some kids just aren't likeable, family or not.

Have you tried just giving your nephew some attention? My husband and I had our kids after his sister was done. Her girls used to have our undivided attention. When our oldest was born, they were actually really good about it and enjoyed fussing over him (whew!). I spent as much time playing with them as I could. It helped that my MIL really wanted to spend time with her new grandson. But as he got older and wasn't always sleeping and just wasn't quite so cute, they did notice that they didn't have my undivided attention. I just did the best I could and reminded them that babies are a lot of work and I still loved them.

I would really try to give him some extra attention every time you see him. He probably really does feel replaced. He needs to know that he is still important to you, even though you have your own kid.

Oftentimes when a child is acting up it's because they are not getting the attention they need.

Try just loving him and showing a genuine interest in the things he likes. I think you'll see a difference.

You just have to tell her you will not accept the way her youngest child treats my son, and until that can change you will refrain from his company, even if that means yours. I think your style may not be effective with him as each child is different. I think for this child a parenting course may be effective unless you know of another course to take with him. I love you, but I think (insert kids name here) needs a different parenting style and attitude towards life/his cousin and until he gets that, again I am going to have to stop subjecting my child and myself to his attitude.

You, as a mother, have a right to tell another kid he is not allowed to do/say certain things to your child. If your sister won't do it, then you should tell your nephew he is not allowed to say such things, he has to learn to keep certain thoughts to himself.

If your sister doesn't have the strength to discipline her own child, then I guess you will have to do it. Someone is going to have to do it, or he will grow into someone that nobody likes. And you need to tell your sister this, despite your differences.

If your sister absolutely forbids that you say anything to your nephew, then I guess the consequence is that you and your child will never be able to hang out with her and her son. That is natural consequences for your sister and your nephew, if your sister chooses to continue with her erroneous parenting.

It's nice of you to try to respect your sister's choices, but she is wrong in how she is parenting her child, and the sooner she steps up and teaches him to control his mouth the better it will be for him.

Good luck. Try to help your nephew before it's too late.

As hard as it is, honesty is the best policy here. It is the natural consequence. If your sister refuses to discipline her child in a way to solve this problem, then she shouldn't expect you or your family to put up with it. I wouldn't want anyone to say such vile things to me or my children either. Hopefully, he is just saying it for shock value, but the more the behavior goes without some sort of punishment, he will think this is a normal way to behave. Or you should feel it is ok to intervene when he says things like this, even if your sister gets mad. Somebody has to show this child saying such things is not acceptable. Good luck!
A.

i wouldnt avoid your sister but you are the kids aunt .. i dont know how it works in your family but i have a large family and if one of my aunts/uncles/cousins was around when a little one was misbehaving whoever it was disciplined them.. in my opinion your family youre his aunt u have the right to yell at him and say u dont hit your cousin .. if your sisters defensive about her parenting theres no need to say anything to her about it .. just do it yourself

After bedtime. (As in, that's when you two can get together. When the kids are asleep).

And you may, quite frankly, need to create a rift for a bit.

"Hon... If I say I hate ______... to him, you're okay with that? I can tell him I hate him and wish he'd die?"

OF COURSE NOT.

Unless, she says "Sure, no worries, go ahead, etc."

At which point... you know her meds are off and she needs to go inpatient, pronto, because she's having severe neurological problems (either PPD created, or med created) and they're expressing in sociopathic or psychopathic tendencies (complete lack of empathy)... and she needs some major medical help. Fast.

Empathy is a learned behavior... but it can be shut off, as I'm sure you know as a medical professional... by certain drugs OR chemical imbalances in the brain (no addict, for example, can be labled as either... because many drugs create this problem... and children can't be dx'd as either, either... because it IS a learned behavior, and can be 'taught late' although it's rare for it to be taught late when not taught young.

Regardless of parenting "style", she's already showing a marked lack of empathy by the treatment she's allowing her son to inflict on others, it's SHOWING in her son, by his lack of learned empathy for others.

I'm NOT a medical professional (just a student), and I'm certainly not trying to dx from 3 paragraphs... but what you describe has me very, very concerned that either her PPD has not been appropriately addressed, or that her medications are off.

If I were in your shoes... I'd hit up some of your colleagues over in neurology or psychiatry and present your concerns as you have here... and get their take. As a student, however, what you've described is textbook "Get a full eval, asap." situation.

I would guess (and I could be completely wrong) that this is half of your concern. Red flags popping up in your mind, being squished down by "everyone parents differently" and "but this is my SISTER" and not wanting to be the overreactive mom upset at someone else's parenting style. AKA hit up your colleagues for an objective opinion.

I stopped getting together w/ a dear friend because of the same situation - I'd even attended her home birth! But her son was horrible to my same-age child; punching him on the sly, throwing toy pans and pots at his head, shoving, pinching. I wasn't aware of the pinching and the other actions that were done on the sly - my then 3-year-old for some reason didn't complain. But he started having nightmares about this child and the rest finally came out. We just stopped getting together. I miss my friend, but not her son. Maybe in another year or two we'll re-connect and give it another go.

I'm sorry for your situation, esp w/ your sister - that absolutely sucks. But you're right - the health (mental and physical) of your child comes first, always.

I think everyone has it all wrong about your sister being the problem. It's always easy to blame the parent. And I think it's tantamount to sexism to toss PPD out there as a cause for bad parenting. What a low blow to mother's everywhere. That's like when men say women are b's when they're on the rag! Heck, until 10 years ago, people even believed Autism was a mother's fault, calling these mother's "refridgerator mommas" and saying their inability to properly nurture the child caused them to go into themselves. Scary and archaic reasoning I'd say. Let's get some common sense going here ladies. Sis has a difficult child, plain and simple. She needs help and isn't getting it, plain and simple.

Why no one ever considers that a child and their general make-up and temperament could be a problem, I'll never know. There are just some things that cannot be easily fixed with a prescription or book written by an over-paid pediatrician.

To say your sister can't parent or is under the influence of hormones being the cause of this child's behavior simply makes no sense whatsoever. How can her oldest child be a perfect angel and joy but the younger child an absolute terror and demon? I'm certain mom didn't switch up how she parented either child. Even if she had PPD, you would have noticed "both" children suddenly having problems if her parenting were problematic. Not just one child.

Encourage her to find resources for help, give her opportunities to talk, and most important be patient and empathetic. Yes, she'll be defensive and probably for a while. You don't have to walk in her shoes. But you could help keep her from stumbling or falling. Patience and kindness for all parties involved is the key here.

As for kid get togethers, keep it limited to large family gatherings (like holidays) for now. Make all of your future get togethers one-on-ones until she decideds how she's going to deal with her situation.

He is only 4 years-old. He probably can sense that you do not like him. Kids can feel these things. Maybe that is why he says it to get your attention. I really think your issue should be with you sister and not this child. What would she do if you said, "Hey___why do you say that about your cousin? Maybe try spending some time with him like read him a book or something. I actually feel sorry for him. I think what he is saying is completely innocent. Look for the good things. Tell you sister that you want to have better communication with her about your children. It is OK that you have different views on parenting. I have always felt as though my sister(who has very little patience with my children) does not like my child. It hurts. Some people are just not kid-friendly? Every child has strengths and weaknesses.....give him a break!

First of all, based on the fact that she has discussed the behavior of her younger child, SHE KNOWS you don't like being around her youngest. Why on earth would you not tell your nephew to behave? It is your job to protect your child until such time as s/he can protect him/her self. Why do you like being around someone who allows her son to say he wishes his cousin were dead? something else is going on here.

Being around his cousin saying these things can be very damaging to your son. I wouldn't get the cousins together again. Perhaps you and your sister can have an occasional adult outing where the dads watch the kiddos at home. I would also tell my sister that you can't have your son hearing those negative phrases from his cousin. Maybe you can invite the older cousin over for the day on occasion for a visit. Good luck.