Thanks for all your answers!
Openly admitting in writing that you are going to try to influence your 88 year old grandfather to change his will and disinherit his son is a terrible idea. That opens up a can of worms that would be best left closed.
Be there for pops and continue to ignore your father's behavior.
1st of all, You are not responsible for this. All you did was open your home to your family. Not your fault!
I know you feel the need to fix it, but your plan is not a good one. It will put your grandfather even more inthe middle, cause him more grief and pain, and push your father further away.
The only solution to this is to get to the root cause of this hateful mans issue. That may not have anything to do with you or your wedding. It could be mental illness. It could be dimensia. It could be a whole lot of things. Or it could be a simple misunderstanding taken way too far. Maybe he was slighted somehow. Who knows. If it only affected you, I could see how good riddance would be a good idea. But, now that it's affecting other people, I think I would try to get to the root.
Go see him. Take an olive branch of some sort - like a box of figs or something that yall used to love when you were little. Reach out. Go with an open mind and openheart and try to understand what the problem is. Once you know what is wrong, you will be in a better position to deal with it. If he's truly hurt - apologize. If he's just unbalanced, talk to uncle and grandad about committing his mean behind. If you tow can't come to any understanding, then lobby on behalf of your grandad and uncle. ONce you've done all that, it's really out of your hands.
DON'T step into the game. You will gain more by not playing! Be supportive as you possibly can to your Grandfather as it seems you would by your post. Look for ways to help him that are outside of the relationship he and your father have. You know your father, he did not get where he is overnight. He has had a LOT of practice manipulating people, situations so at the very least, if he can't win he'll take as many people down as possible. Make it a tactic to stay out of it and support your grandfather, that is all you can do.
NOT your problem. Do not give your narcissistic father an ultimatum. It won't do any good nor will it make the change you hope it will.
It is the result of your father acting like a brat.
Instead, get involved on the positive end:
Tell your grandfather to call you or his brother in case of an emergency.
And try to include him in your every day life.
I understand that you are hurting because your grandfather is hurting, but writing to your father is not a good idea. First, he probably won't even read it. If he does and your grandfather writes him out of the Will, he may be able to use your letter to contest the Will saying that you exerted undue influence over your grandfather.
So, if it will make you feel better, write the letter, but then tear it up. No good will come of it.
Nope, uh-uh, leave. it. alone. If you know anything about narcissism, you should know about narcissistic supply. Do be the one.
I am in a similar situation. I haven't spoken to just about all the members of my family of origin for many years. I speak to my cousin and she tells me that my grandmother is having all of these issues and whatnot, and I am the only one in town to help her. All of her own kids deserted her...all six. I know it might sound cold-hearted, but my only shot at a normal life is to have nothing to do with them. NOTHING.
I could go to her home and fix up her house and do whatever else, but somehow, some way I'll be the villain and get wrapped in the mess. I have tried it before and did not well. Take it from someone in your shoes...leave it alone and mind your business. If you think your father is abusing your grandfather financially or you think your grandfather needs assistance in living, call Adult Protective Services. DO NOT get involved because it won't work and it could possibly ruin your life you have worked hard to have.
While I would agree that this is abusive behavior, you cannot change the way your father behaves, and trying to effect change in someone who you have stated is perhaps clinically narcissistic is a lost cause. I can only suggest that you be as supportive as possible of your grandfather. Ensure that he knows that if he ever needs something, he should call you or his other son. Let your grandfather's bequests be his business not yours. This is an awful situation, and I am sorry that you (and most of the rest of us) have to deal with dysfunctional (to one degree or another) family members.
You can't stop it and you need to stay out of that. BUT you can continue to be a loving granddaughter. You don't want to get enmeshed with crazy people. But support your granddad. Your dad's behavior can't be a surprise to his own father, so do your best to help him be OK with how son is and move on.
So you will stoop to your father's level to get what you want? Ultimatums are not much different than temper tantrums.
