Dealing with My Mom.....

It sounds like your mom is a bit of a drama queen & is looking for attention, lots & lots of attention. With that being said, her telling other members of the family that you're pissed at her...well, you are, aren't you? She's not calling you because that would be her giving you attention & not the other way around. Write her a letter, tell her to quit the nonsense, it's just silly & petty. Tell her as soon as she's grown up enough to handle having an adult relationship with her adult children is exactly when you'll be ready to talk to her on a regular basis, but until that time comes, she can quit trying to sell her nonsense to you, you're not buying.

Your mom is your mom and you love her, but we can love someone without really liking them. I think that's where you're at with your mom. I would just put some distance between you. She is obviously making your life miserable and why do you need that? Just go about your business and maybe call her once a week or once every two weeks, see how she is doing, don't elaborate on anything happening with you or your family, take what she says with a grain of salt,. hang up and move on. I do this with my own mother because she is a gossip monger and a liar. So, I check on her periodically, don't discuss anything with her I don't want the world to know and just keep moving forward. It's not the ideal relationship, but it's one I can live with.

S.,

I want to word this gently, because I can see that you are truly hurting and confused by this behavior from your mother. This is atypical, erratic and very selfish behavior at best which is causing a lot of frustration, drama and confusion.

Here's the thing, and I know this from experience (very, very hard experience): you cannot fix your mom. Has she ever been to counseling? Because she sounds like people I have had in my life who have suffered from mental health issues and/or personality disorders. They tend to create a lot of chaos, are sometimes selfish and often very inconsistent, all of which were reflected in your description. From what you related, it sounds as through she has very unreasonable expectations of what other family members "owe" her to make *her* feel good, whether it's your apologizing to your sister or being truthful or letting her move in, etc.

I cannot say what will work for you, but what really helped me was finding a good counselor and starting to do some work on ME. Exploring and discovering my perceptions about myself, my family and those relationships was helpful and a powerfully validating experience. There is nothing like living with crazy for so long--and having the out-of-whack person deny it-- and then receiving confirmation that "Yep! This that's nuts!" This really helped to build my backbone, and enabled me to start to make boundaries in those relationships. This did not end *their* troubling behavior, and I did get a lot of flak, but this is a long process, getting free from the influence of unhealthy people. At this point in my life, I feel 110% better about myself and who I am because I don't have people around me who would tear me down, belittle me for their own gain or place unreasonable expectations on me. When people do sometimes do these things, I now have the personal power within to say "oh hell no, you don't get to do this" ( and over the years, I've gotten a lot of coaching on how to do this gracefully ;) ).

There are lots of good Christian counselors out there too. I don't identify as "Christian" but did work with a couple of Christian counselors who were wonderful, intelligent women and able to really help me put Humpty Dumpty back together again with lots of empathy and compassion and a desire for me for live well. This has happened through their continued support and my commitment to myself. I do hope, no matter which path you choose, that you do move beyond merely forgiving-yet-continually-being-hurt to forgiving and living well, enjoying your life outside of the chaos and anger that some people seem to spread.

I'm so sorry. (My mom suffers borderline personality disorder with narcissistic tendencies, so I know how hard and hurtful this sort of behavior from mom can feel.) Please know that you have my empathy and compassion. There are also boards online (forums) for people dealing with others who have personality disorders, and I found these to help in a pinch, esp. in times when I needed extra support. The only way you will ever change your situation is changing how you want to respond to her and how you want to live. You won't be able to change her. Good luck.

are you sure we dont have the same mom? This is how my mom has been for the past 6 months. I can't even count anymore how many times I have caught her in a lie and called her out.. and how many I just let slide. Not to mention all of her games she has been playing.

If we lived closer we could go for coffee and have one major gripe fest! I hope it gets better for you. I'd try to give you some advice but Im at a loss with my own right now... so I'll send some hugs (((( ))))

She is a lair AND a manipulator. A double bogey! LOL
Seriously, you need to establish boundaries with your mom.
You already know not to really pay attention to what she tells you, so stop paying attention unless it involves you directly.
You know, you CAN hide or unfriend her from FB. You can also set it up so she CANNOT post anything on your page. If she rants about you on someone elses--not much you can do except ignore it.
YOU know you're not wrong...don't buy into her twisted manipulation.
Is there something else going on with your mom? An addiction issue or a mental illness or both, maybe? Because it sure sounds like she has all of the addict traits nailed perfectly! If so--please go to Alanon. It will help.
All the best!

First off, you can love your mother but still dislike and be disappointed in the things she says and does.

Second, forgiving your mother does not mean wiping the slate so clean that you ignore her history or forget it. Forgiveness is not necessarily for the person who has wronged you either, but for helping ease your own burdens. It's a release saying that you won't be defined by someone else's actions any longer. That's what's continuing to happen. Your mother is still calling the shots, behaving badly, and all of her daughters are defining themselves by how she treats them.

Thirdly, the fact that she's your mother does not mean that you have to do what she says or what she wants, and you certainly don't have to look to her to see what the right to do is. It's probably safe to say at this point that doing the right thing means doing the opposite of what she wants.

Fourth, she's not going to change. You're always hoping that she'll become a better person and start telling the truth but that's not going to happen. She won't remember birthdays so don't expect her to. She won't become a better mother because it's just not in her. It's time to lower your expectations and trust that she's simply not going to do what's best for anyone except herself and she's not going to ever be truthful. Anything above that will be cake and balloons.

So work with the mother you have. That probably means reducing the amount of effort you put into your relationship with her. It's very one-sided, and it's upsetting to you, so step back and just accept her as she is. Put distance between you and you might find that you're not being drawn into her dramas so much. When she has dramas with your sisters, you may have to force yourself to stay out of it by saying, "I'm sorry, but this is between you and Mom. I can't get involved." Stick to it and practice that phrase. When your mother calls you practice saying, "No, Mom. I'm sorry, I'm busy right now. I'll call you when I can talk." "This is between you and Sister A. I can't get involved. I'll talk to you on Friday."

Would you think this is acceptable behavior from a friend or colleague? I think family should be held to a HIGHER standard not a lower one.