Advice for Something We Witness Between an Uncle and 11 Year Old

GOOD FOR YOU, I would have done the exact same thing by letting her know. This is not normal, I have a 10 year old girl and never ever would this happen. I probably would have been more aggressive and actually pulled him aside and directly told him, so that he would be aware of his unappropriate behavior. He is lucky that no one has reported him. M. C

It is not normal for an 11 year-old girl to shower with anyone, but especially a 37 year-old man, uncle or not. We have several friends with that age girl and they would not think the behavior was okay. I'm sorry if you're friend is upset, but I would report it if I were you.

that is NOT normal! i have worked in child care for 10 years and that is a huge red flag! she should not ever be in a shower with her uncle i believe especially at 11 yrs old! you had the right vibe and i believe you need to help that little girl.

S.,

A few questions before you take it to the next level...what were the camping circumstances? was she scared b/c the shower was far off in the woods, or creepy? did he actually step into the stall with her in the nude? do you know if they shower together at home? There is no doubt that 11 is too old for a child to be showering with a grown man, but we only have one side of the story here. What you are insinuating could potentially ruin this family and this mans life, so you had better be sure.

Maybe you could spend some more time around her or talk with her or her mom, before you go to the authorities? There are probably hotlines out there, where you could call and be anonymous and just see what type of advice they would offer for your specific situation.

There are actually cases out there of innocent men being accused and it's awful! I am constantly telling my husband to never be alone with young girls, not under any circumstances. Hate to be so synical, but it's just true. Please do let us know what happens - this is a very difficult situation for you...tread lightly.

Hi S. -

You were very brave to say something to your friend. If this were a close family, like the post earlier, who treat nudity and are physically demonstrative the whole family would be participating. It wouldn't always just be the uncle and niece, but sometime the aunt and niece and sometimes the whole family.

Makingn the decision to call CPS is a difficult one, but remember this isn't her father but her uncle. Her home life most likely won't be disrrupted, but she will be protected from an uncle who is not behaving normally. CPS will determine the validity of the complaint and if they think it is a low risk they will have a public health nurse visit. I would listen to the people who have worked with CPS in the past as follow their suggestions about how to report.

Godd Luck with your decision and good job for speaking up.

While some families are very affectionate, your story concerns me. As a child therapist I am a mandatory reported and this is something I would be obligated to report. An 11 year old should not be taking a shower with a grown man. While there is every possibility that what you witnessed is "innocent" and just how this family interacts, it does sound like grooming. If you know the girls parents (or are able to contact them), I would talk to them about your concerns.

That does not sound like normal behavier. No man should be showering with his 11 year old niece and the other behavier sounds like sexual behavier. I am 68 and at age 6 was molested by one of my father's sister's husbands. He just could not keep his hands off of me and I was lucky as my mother came into the room and witnessed this and put a quick stop to it and to their visits to our home and our visits to their home. At age 9 I was molested by a neighbor, the grandfather of two children that I played regularly with. We were in his backyard the first time this happened and he trapped me and dragged me into the celler and his room and had his way. The children all thought it was a game so no one helped me. When I finally escaped I ran home to tell my mother who took immediate action and although my father was never told because mother felt he would take his shotgun over there and shoot the man, the police were told and the man was removed from the home. I was very lucky to have a mother who believed me and made me understand that this was not my fault and I have handled it all very well. This behavier should be reported to child protective services and this couple should not be taking their niece places with the parents not present. If you do not know the parents of the child then you should notify child protective services directly. I am not a fan of the child protective services organization as I often feel they do not do an adequate job but this child does need to be checked out.

You AND your husband feel something's not right because it's NOT RIGHT.

All the other situations pale in comparsion to the shower. An adult does not shower with an 11 year old child!!!

You were absolutely right to talk to your friend. Too many times we try to explain away things that's right in our face. How many times do we hear, "he/she was the nicest man/woman, never thought he/she would do..."

I just spoke to my 23 year old daughter about this and she was appalled. First thing she asked, when was CPS or the police called?

Protecting the little girl and not your friend's feelings is whats most important. As hard as it maybe, call CPS.

You and your husband are on to something and should follow your gut. Report it. Each of you report it individually, and there will be two complaints on record. Anyone else who has a concern should report it. While nonone wants to believe a child is not being abused, ignoring the situation could be ruining this child for life.

DO NOT tell the parents you reported the situation, since that could make an already awkward situation more awkward. Talking with your friend may have strained your relationship for now, but it is something that she is closing her eyes to. You might lose a friend or two as a result of this situation (even if he turns out to be abusing her), but you may save a child from a life of shame and confusion.

Uh....yuck, yuck yuck. I think that is BEYOND inappropriate. I even asked my husband's opinion and his first words were "disgusting".

You are not wrong for telling her and your friend needs to take a harder look about what's going on. If nothing is happening now, it certainly sounds like a seduction. Some people may think I'm cynical but I don't think it's normal and the showering thing throws it over the edge. She is on the cusp of having a woman's body and either has or will soon have her period.

No, no, no, no, no

I think your worries are normal....it is the behavior of the 37 year old that I find SHOCKING and NOT normal. Whether or not their is something bad happening, he should not be acting like that with her, just for his own personal "good name". If I was the Aunt of the 11 year old girl, I would certainly NOT be letting my husband, a GROWN man, shower with a "pre-pubescent" girl. It is highly inappropriate and it really makes me worry that there IS something wrong going on. And quite often, the "wife is the last to know" is true....or they just turn their heads because they can't beleive that their spouse/partner could do such things...but it happens....Obviously. Sorry you are in such an awful position, but I wonder if the child's mother would have approved of her daughter taking a shower with her 37 year old uncle? Good luck

Hi S.
I too would get worried if I was to see all that and would ask some questions, but I would ask the little girl the questions because it's the younger kids that'll give the most honest answers without holding back because they don't know what to hold back on or what would be wrong. The two of them could also have that kind of a relationship, more of a father daughter than uncle and niece, who knows. I would be one to get my worries out of the way like you did, maybe it'll get your friend to do some worrying of her own if she isn't already, thay could be why she was so defensive and couldn't take it so easily, if there was nothing to worry about I'd think she'd have an explanation for it all, and like I said already, who knows.

Let's just say that I have some history with this stuff and I will tell you THAT THERE IS ABOSLUTELY SOMETHING GOING ON THERE!!!!!!!!!!!! My blood is boiling right now and you need to tell as many people that are directly related to that man and the girl and maybe someone will have the guts to actually say and do something about it. She has been changed as a person already because of it and he is priming her for something more(intercourse). Maybe it's gone to that already, but you need to do what I said so that someone will protect that little girl. Don't think that you're the only one thinking the shower thing is a little weird and people (men) with this problem have no clue what is crossing the line anymore and has told himself and the girl that it's normal. WELL, IT IS NOT! Tell, tell, tell, tell and keeping telling. Your friendship might be gone, but you will be saving that girls live, or what's left of it.

It is inappropriate behavior and you were right to say something. I would make sure the girls mother has this information. As a mother I would want to know. My sister was abused by my father and it took the family 10 years before we found out and believed her. This is a reportable behavoir to childrens services.

My question is if they are merely "affectionate people", why is it only the man touching the child? Where is the woman in all this? This is not a case of "affectionate people", it is one specific person. There is a technique called grooming many pedophiles use. It involves more and more intimate touching, slowly crossing boundaries, making the child feel they have an extra special bond so as to tie the child to them more. This also puts the child in a state of denial when someone tries to intervene. They like feeling important and special and usually defend the abuser. I would make sure the PARENTS are fully aware of what is happening and keep my own children away from this person. Print these responses and show the mother. This is a good reresentation of normal response to this situation if she thinks you are overreacting. She needs to wake up and protect her child, not the abuser. Even if it means offending or even losing a friend. This is not something she should ignore. The burden of action lies with the parents. Please bring it to their attention. I had a similar situation in my childhood, and it did not end well.

NO, there is NO WAY that this is normal! There is NO WAY that a 37 year old man should be That affectionate with any female under the age of 21 and to take a shower with a young 11 year old is not only discusting but it's illegal and needs to be reported. The girls parents need to be notified ASAP too! Your friend also has a problem or she's blind as to what's going on so if she gets offended, she'll get over it but you need to say something! This is awful and the poor girl too. Please keep your children away from these people and keep them close to you.

I am going to be blunt about this one...

NOT NORMAL!

The 11 year old's parents need to be informed as well as the authorities. Call it a false alarm if it is.

Someone needs to educate them all on appropriate behaviors if that is all it is. My hunch is that it is more than that.

I know first hand how bad this can be under the surface if this is public behavior.

I won't go on. Please, make it known.

Being affectionate is one thing, but an 11 year old should not be showering with anyone, much less a grown man.

I have 2 relatives that went camping last week with a group camp.
They are children and one was exposed to a nude man making an inappropiate comment. Maybe it is nothing but the relatives were uncomfortable and they are small children. I am not letting that go either. Where do you draw the line? What age of child, what relationship. You draw it at comfort.
And if you aren't comfortable with it now, think of how horrrible the discomfort would be if you didn't do anything and found out something happened.
It is the safe/sorry issue.
OK, NOW I will stop going on.

It is difficult to risk a friendship, or to risk being wrong. But trust me, it is more difficult to see the eyes of a broken child whom no one helped.

oh my god! you are so not wrong! you need to call child services for this girl. based on your friend's tone, i think she is totally oblivious to what is going on. you may be this little girls only advocate! my husband won't even shower with our 4yo daughter because she is a curious little thing and this is HIS daughter.(and mind you, my husband and i are very open to our kids' questions and understanding their bodies. we are not prudes!) i am angry for you and this little girl that your friend was offended. if it was truly that they were "affectionate people," she would not have been offended.

take care of that girl and protect your babies from him! (and possibly, her!)

Uh, no an 11 year old should not be showering with her uncle under any circumstances. I would be very concerned about this. Also, about constant PDA, a hug once in a while would be normal, but constant physical touch like that seems beyond normal for a girl about to enter puberty and a man of any age. If your friend was offended by you mentioning this, either she is hiding something, in denial, and/or completely out of touch with reality. I would NEVER allow my husband to shower with my own daughters at that age, let alone a niece!

If you can I would most definately tell the girls mother, not just her aunt. As a former teacher I was required by law to report and I did and sometimes I was wrong, but when you are right it just breaks your heart, but you will know you did the right thing and they will eventually thank you! Good Luck and go with your gut, you will more than likely be correct!

Good job, S., in both trusting your gut and making the decision to take action. Healthy people have healthy boundaries about sexual, or potentially sexually motivated, behaviors. The relationships you are describing, between the 11 year old, the 37 year old man and your friend do not, sadly, reflect healthy boundaries. I am sure that the little girl will someday be very thankful that someone reached out to help her. Take good care.

I'm a mother of a 5 yr old son. I don't think that sounds right at all. At least from the description that you are giving. At 11, she should have the right to her privacy. That's the age that a girl starts to acknowledge her body growing. She should be capable of taking a shower on her own. He shouldn't be taking one with her. He's an adult...she's a preteen. Now, this is just my opinion on the matter that you have presented. I wasn't there to witness it, so I can't really give a definite answer. You had the right to pull your friend aside and present the situation at hand to her. But, be forewarned, your friendship is now probably at risk. She is probably taking it as an attack rather than something that you are trying to help her out with. As a person who tries her best to look out for the welfare of others, I would've done the same as you. I'm a risk taker as well. If I see something that doesn't seem right...I WILL say something. But that's just me. Good luck on this situation. *hug* Need to talk? Write me. ;)

( I apologize for responding late- was out of town) --- the constant touching??? --- could somehow be explaned - but SHOWERING??? an 11 year old girl and a grown man??? - that is wrong, and CPS would definitely make tracks - that is wrong. period. It's not as though there were no adult women. No- that's wrong - I am a '''designated provider'' ( some professions require that suspicious behavior be reported to
CPS - and I would have to call them on that if I'd been inyour shoes - or risk loosing my teaching certificate permanently-- does that give you support for your ''vibe''??? -- your friend can be as upset as she wants- that is wrong. And her upset could easily be becasue she KNOWS it's wrong - and doesn't know how to stop it.

Oh dear -- good luck and God bless ---

Old Mom

Bad vibe!!!!! I was in a similiar situation only I was the 11 year old. I didn't know it was wrong - until a friend confided in me about something similiar that happened to her...I was mortified!! But when I said something no one did a thing. I help put the pedophile (b/c that's what he was) behind bars just a few years ago but the repercussions were so hard to cope with. My partner and I have talked about what to do about our babies (they bathe with me and shower with me, but are nearly 3 and 4) and we don't anymore since it doesn't seem ok. But an uncle with my daughter?!?! Would NOT happen! If she will not listen you do need to call CPS - they can do an annonymous report and worst case scenario they investigate and nothing is happening. Best case? You save an 11 year old from years of agony. Affectionate is hugs, maybe some lap time, and kisses perhaps. No rubbing, showering, or holding hands (unless crossing the street).

C.

Just wanted to put in my 2 cents worth. Yes, some families are very affectionate. A father showering with a daughter that old would be, in my opinion, abnormal. An UNCLE showering with a niece that old is absolutely the red flag of all red flags. Good for you for stepping in and reporting this! You are to be admired by all for taking the initiative to save her future! I'm curious how it went? Thank you for being a strong woman!

DON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE OUR FAMILY MADE BY IGNORING THIS!!!
I Witnessed the same scene some 14yrs ago between my husband's brother and 6yr old nephew. Showering together after swimming in the family pool, letting him sit on his lap while driving his car around the neighborhood, always getting down and playing car's etc. No one thought this was odd but me!!! My Nephew always seemed happy around him. FOUR YEARS LATER HE BEGAN THROWING UP AT SCHOOL! HE FINALLY TOLD A COUNSELOR THAT HIS UNCLE HAD BEEN MOLESTING HIM AND HIS OLDER BROTHER SINCE THEY WERE TODDLER'S!!! BY THIS TIME HIS BROTHER WAS A RUNAWAY ON DRUGS AND EVENTUALLY SPENT TIME IN PRISON. PLEASE DON'T IGNORE THIS! A

Hello S.,
\''/

So happy to hear that you are paying attention to YOUR intuition. You are right! You as a responsible adult should be paying attention to that creep. This is coming from a woman who was molested as a child. Molestation is a serious crime and can really destroy a girl's (OR boy's) confidence. It can be damaging in many, many ways.

In our house, we communicate topics like molestation, and all sorts of real life issues with our daughter. She needs to know what has happened to me (not in detail) but teaching her to always be aware of MEN and WOMEN in school, or anywhere for that matter.

Kids will learn a lot in school, but it's the parents responsibility to really communicate with their own children at home about real life issues.

Good luck to you and I hope that child is not being molested!
M....Take Care!

Way too many people ignore situations and you were right to express your feelings. I would have felt the same way. I am not saying that anything is going on and it may be very innocent but if you and your husband were concerned you were right to express it.

By age 11 a child should not be showering with someone of the opposite sex. One of my main questions would be were the little girls parents there? Her mother is the one that needs to know. Before I would jump and call the authorities I would talk to the parents of the little girl.

I was not there nor do I know any history to jump to conclusions. Please do not feel guilty about speaking to your friend. You were not accusing but expressing your concern. There are way too many red flags to be ignored.

I salute your bravery to get involved.

This is my #1 mom rule. GO WITH YOUR GUT! Always. If something doesn't look right, and you get the weird vibe from it, than something is definitely wrong. A mothers intuition is a gift we've been given, use it and rely on it. Good luck with this one, holy cow!
And no, you were not wrong to tell her how you are feeling. They need to realize how this looks and hopefully relook it themselves. The fact that she doesn't see anything out of the ordinary with it is kind of scary in itself! Icky. Poor girl, it is pretty obvious that she isn't going to get help from her parents and what if she thinks it's odd? This little girl clearly has no voice to advocate for her.
And for the mom to say they are just being affectionate... in the shower??? HELLO! NOPE, NO WAY, NO!!! That crosses every line! This little girl needs your help.

NO!! NOT NORMAL!!!! I don't really like my 1 year old seeing my husband naked or showeing with him and I know without a doubt that he's not a pediphile. An 11 year old should NOT be showering with an adult male under ANY circumstances!! Call CPS for the sake of this young lady!! It may hurt some feelings, but it's better than this girl being in a bad situation.

S.,

37 yr old uncle showering with 11 yr old niece??

NOT NORMAL by any stretch of the imagination. It doesn't say that there are sexual things happening...just ODD.

My nieces are all very YOUNG for their ages...always wanting to sit on laps of relatives they feel safe with. This lasted until they were around 13-14 yrs old. We would just let everyone know that there are times and places for such behavior (in front of family or close family friends only; not ever alone...etc.).

The showering issue is strange, and I cannot say for sure how I would respond. I do not like the idea, but not being there to see how things were I cannot tell you anything.

What about the girl's mom? Where is she...is this ever in front of or with others? Is the child YOUNG for her age?

If you are still feeling uncomfortable with this, you can call CPS and they will look into the situation without having to say who called. If there is nothing, CPS will find nothing.

T.

S.,
In my opinion this kind of behavior is not normal. There is never a time that an 11 year old girl shoud be showering with a 37 year old man.I would question my friendship with this person; especially if she does not see anything wrong with her husbands behavior. You were totally in the right telling this person how you feel. I am wondering if this behavior went farther between the husband and niece? Is there any way to follow up on the niece to make sure that she is ok? I wish you luck in dealing with all of this.
R.

I had a very close relationship with my uncle. I was literary in love with him, he was the most handsome man I had ever known. I use to dream growing up and marring him. I use to cuddle with him and yes, I was his girl until he had own children and moved to Germany. Well, I never took a shower with him, but I would jump on his lap and cuddle with him until I was told by my grand mother (around age 14) that I'm too big to do that. But my uncle never touched me unappropriately or with any sexual intends. To be honest I wouldn't know that back then but I know it now and I can't recall anything inappropriate. So, until you mention the shower I didn't see anything wrong with that. May be after all you should reported it and ask for a very careful approach with the investigations. Yes, if there is something wrong the little girl wouldn't know it. And yes, be ready to lose your friend. Good luck with your decision!

NO! It is not OK for a grown man to be showering with an 11 yr. old girl. (or boy for that matter) The mom might have become upset because she knows deep down that something is going on but can't admit it. Sometimes people get angry with quilt.
I think everything you discribed is strange and I might take further action. With that said.............be very careful and very sure of what have seen. It only takes one accusation to completly distroy someones life. I agree with what 'JK' wrote, please find out for sure, if he indeed was in the shower nude with her. It only takes that one phone call to the authorities to cause harm to an inicent person.

D.

NO! Not normal! There is no reason an 11-year-old, girl or boy, should shower with an adult, especially one of the opposite sex. I would have been extremely uncomfortable with that. If I was in your situation, I would report it to CPS. She may be getting molested or worse. You may risk your friendship, but please think of the girl's future and mental wellness. Also, men who get away with being inappropriate with children tend to do it again.
I'm really sorry you are in your situation. Not cool.

Hi S.,
I am a mother of 6 boys, all grown, but with grandchildren and you need to follow your gut feeling concerning this behavior of the adult and child. The man should have better sense. He craves her attention and she will continue to thrive on this as she is a child and he is suppose to be an adult.
I am sorry the wife is upset, however, she knows it is right. She doesn't want to aknowledge the fact as once she does it will mean a decision on her part she doesn't want to make. Be there for her, but I wouldn't allow my children to be around it as they will believe this is the way girls should act.
You may have to call in the DHS, as this is an accident waiting to happen, if it already hasn't.
God speed S., as you and your husband are probably the only sane adults around her and willing to take the giant step.
The man involed should be shot at dawn. He knows better. He is a child molester plain and simple.

WOW, no this is not normal. Especially the taking showers together! And rubbing her where? Cuddling briefly and holding hands is not a big issue, but the showering and rubbing I am concerned about. Tough one, call CPS and ask them questions about this behaviour, then decide if you want to make a report. AND NO YOU ARE NOT WRONG FOR SAYING ANYTHING TO HER!

Your gut sounds right to me. That is NOT normal. I just want to be clear as to what you are saying though. The uncle of an eleven year old girl was showering with her? I don't think it would be that big of a deal if it was a public shower and they were all the same gender, but opposite gender at that age is totally inappropriate.

-N.

just saw your post and had to tell you a story my mom just told me. her friend and friend's sister were molested by grandfather for years. they were around that age when he started having sex with them. they were very affectionate also. always sitting on his lap, rubbing, holding hands, and then he started sleeping in their beds every once in a while. i don't think it is ever ok for a man to shower with an 11 year old! it could cost you your friendship but i would report this. save this little girl a lifetime of heartache!

Hi S.,
You are right to feel this behavior is wrong.There is something going on.Taking the shower together in my mind is a dead give away. Your friend is in denial.The girl's parents need to know hopefully they are not in denial as well.That is a tough spot to be in. I know you will do the right thing.
Good luck.
P. C.

Please call CPS, you and your husband both. That poor girl. She probably doesn't even know that this is wrong. Or perhaps she does and she's just not strong enough to say no. She sounds like she needs someone to stand up for her since her own aunt won't. Perhaps that someone is you.
H. T.

I think you are right on!!!!!!!!! No 37 year old man should be showering with a 11 year old girl, there is something going on there and I would say the mom is in denial. I think you should report your concerns to the police because someone needs to protect that little girl if her partents aren't going to. I come from a very affectionate family and we never took showers with my dad, uncles, brothers or anyone at that age and we never sat on anyones lap except maybe my dad once and awhile. My brothers are affectionate but they would never be that way with my girls EVER!!!
You know you might loose your friend over this but wouldn't you feel better knowing you did the right thing for that little girl. To many people look the other way because they don't want someone to be mad at them or cause problems and don't think of what the child is going through. I hope you do the right thing.

A.

Hi S.~
What a tough position you're in!
That doesn't really sound innocent to me. If you got weird vibes, you should probably go with that instinct. Did you also get weird vibes when you told the wife? Because that could be another red flag. (Denial) You didn't say if your children went as well, but I was wondering why the eleven year old went on the trip...does this couple have children of their own? Does the niece have siblings?
In my opinion, affectionate people hug and that's it, or perhaps an 'I love you', but surely not showers, cuddling, rubbing and lap time-especially between an 11 y/o girl and her uncle. I asked my niece as well as my husband and they both said there's no way they would have showered together at that age. My husband even added that our own girls didn't shower with him at that age. And the only other times they showered with him was when we were in a time pinch, or they were so young they couldn't be left alone for a person to get a shower in, so you put them in with you. An eleven year girl is perfectly capable showering by herself-unless of course there was a water shortage at the campground-in which case the niece should have showered with her aunt or you, but definitely not her uncle!
I DON'T THINK THIS IS NORMAL BEHAVIOR!
That being said, if it were me, I would start documenting. (You might need it for evidence) Just start writing everything down...dates, times, circumstances and maybe even how you felt as well as what your husband's thought were. Both myself AND my husband felt there was no good reason for them to shower together, let alone the other things you mentioned. We're affectionate people and we hug our nieces and nephews and tell them we love them and they do the same, but that's it.
Good luck to you, S., and keep us posted.

Guess I am late o this advice, but could not help but respong. The observations you made are absolutely not proper attention for a 37 year old man to be giving to his 11 year old niece. This could be called "grooming" which is what pedofiles do first to their victims.

I have worked as a Middle School Secretary for 24 years and have seen and been involved with many cases like this. The child is the victim, what is happening ot her is wrong, your gut told you this from the very first time you saw something between them that seemed Off the norm.

Do not worry about your friend, obviously she is protecting her husband and does not want to see him in a bad light. However, yours and your husbands first concern has to be for the 11 year old girl.

What do you do, what all of us should do when we see something involving a child especially that does not seem right, call child protective services. It is a big step, it will probably ruin the friendship, but you could be saving the child from something far worse then what you witnessed camping

Best of luck, sorry you find yourselves in this situation, but glad to know you and your husband realized something is wrong with the relationship between the uncle and niece.

Char.

Your feelings are always valid. Follow up with what you are feeling. It seems weird to me that your friend doesn't get a weird creepy vibe to have her husband showering with her 11 yr old neice. 11 yrs old is old enough to shower alone and if help is needed your friend should be helping out, not her husband. Is she getting offended because she feels it is weird also and doesn't want to acknowledge it? It is hard to risk a friendship, but oh so worth it if it can save that girl from any further problems. God bless you and them.

I would contact the authorities. This is by no way normal and if your friend doesn't talk to you any more that is ok, you will be saving a child who is being abused by her uncle.

Follow your feelings. It is in no way normal for a uncle and neice to shower together. The wife is in denial! We have a similar situation in our community, the husband was molesting their adopted daughters and her excuse was that he was just a very affectionate man. I pray that it is inocent but please follow through by telling Child Protective Services. I am sorry that you are put in the middle of this.
God bless you and your family.

Because the girl is your friend's niece, unless she has parental guardianship of the girl, the girl's mother should be told IN ADDITION to the police. If your friend is the guardian, then the state...regardless of how some people feel about CPS...should be notified.

I had a friend in the 7th grade who, with her siblings, was placed with her grandparents after being removed from the home of her mother. Her stepfather was sexually abusing her sister for a long time. He was abusive verbally and physically to the three of them, so when he moved into having intimate contact with her sister, she began to associate it with love and became very confused. Her brother ran away and got help after he was approached. Her mother didn't believe them...although she does now...and her sister is still a mess with a highly addictive personality and she has difficulty with men and relationships. She is almost 40 and still very messed up.

Because you witnessed this behavior, you have an obligation to report this. It is far better for you to lose a friendship with a friend who's husband you couldn't trust around your girls than to live with guilt when you find out later this girl was being abused and you didn't do anything to help her. My guess is your friend has fought with her husband about this before and has been beaten down...or desensitized...or she, like my friend's mom, is afraid of the truth because it will hurt.

The showering thing sounds way out of bounds. I'm all for cuddling, but 11 and 37 and constant cuddling also is approaching out of bounds. It sounds at best that they have an overdependance on each other. But your friends reaction of taking offense and being upset is the other alarming part. If she had thoroughly thought it through like a sensitive, thinking, person (like you did) she would have said, yes, I know it seems that they are excessively phyisical, but she has this or that problem and they are working on getting her to shower alone (sheesh) or at least some explanation. I mean, does she think noone will notice this odd behavior? I think you should report it too to an child protection agency or, if you know the girl's school, tell the counsellor there just to be safe. Of course, your friend will be furious at you, but at least you'll know you did something to help that little girl (almost a big girl).

I'm echoing the sentiments of everyone on this blog...it's NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR!! It is very odd for an 11-year old to be showering with any adult, even her father. There is no, good reason for her to be showering with her uncle!!! She could have showered with her aunt or had her aunt support her; or at that age she simply could have showered by herself. Although sitting on someone's lap and a some rubbing or affection may be normal, the totality of all of the issues makes this a very concerning scenario. Just imagine, if the uncle is being this liberable in front of people--what might be going on behind closed doors!! I hope by now you've decided to report it. At the very least, please talk with the parents.

Best of luck to you...this certainly isn't an easy issue to deal with.

No it is not normal. I would call child protective services and tell them what you witnessed. Let them talk to the child. It may be the only time someone has a chance to help her. If nothing is going on nothing will happen. Good Luck be her hero do not over think this!!

no, no way, I would run it by cps

I do not think that it is appropriate for the man and girl to shower together. I would not even shower with my own kids at that age. It sounds like the uncle is really crossing the line. Maybe your friend was trying to ignore or pretend like nothing weird was going on. She probably needed someone to bring it to her attention. Hopefully, she will think about what you said and do something about it. S.

You need to go with your feelings. That certeinly doesn't sound right and you may want to talk to your friend again and start by apologizing for offending her but restate that you.ve never seen an uncle/niece relationship like that, possibly mentioning the rubbing. You were not and are not wrong to mention this and it is probably worth persuing further. good luck and I hope you don't lose a friend but an eleven year old girls life is simply more important.

I think you are absolutely correct in feeling uncomfortable and concerned. I'm a preschool teacher and an in-home provider, and I would be horrified if I had witnessed what you had. Personally, I think that your friend may have been offended because she is secretly concerned herself and probably doesn't want to accept the possibility of molestation. The best thing you could do is let your friend know that you love her and that you just want to do the right thing for her niece. Gently remind her that she(the niece) is the most important person in the entire situation. Hopefully she'll put her own fears aside and look at the situation through open eyes. Good luck.

in my oppinion not very normal for a father and daughter and deffienently not ok for an uncle and niece especially if her aunt could have taken her to the shower. I would mention it to the mom. I know that I would want to be informed of anything like that. mom of two girls and a boy

I feel that it is highly inappropriate especially the showering. I understand completely why this left you feeling weird inside. I do not know if you see this uncle and girl very often or have any information about them. But if you do I would keep watching this and make a notebook of what you see. You may have to report this to CPS.

You could lodge an anonymous complaint with CPS. It sounds like you are the girl's only hope for help because the mother is in denial. Be a hero and a save this girl's life! I know it's hard, but good for you for checking it out! :-)

No it's not normal for a 37 yr old man to be showering with an 11 yr old girl. When my kids were infants, my husband would take them in the shower and hold them to bathe them (9 mo and younger) I came in and got them 4 minutes later and dryed, diapered, dressed and nursed them and to bed they went. But no way, no how would my 11 yr old daughter, my 1 yr old daughter be bathing with her father. Cuddling or snuggling with Dad, I don't have a huge concern with as a stand alone behavior, but when the other is added, Dad needs to be told to stop. Maybe nudity is a norm in their home. Nothing could be happening, but she's at a stage in her development where boundaries should be set and privacy given. Where's her Mom? What does she have to say about this? Is she concerned?

S.,

I think you not only need to report this behavior, but you should tell the parents you reported it as well. The reason is that you do not agree with this type of behavior and you are taking action and reporting it to authorities so they can have it on file. Many parents chose not to believe that things are going on, so they deny it. By reporting it you are taking a stand for what you believe in and taking a shower with an eleven year old girl is not appropriate behavior! When you report it, at least they will put it on file and possible contac the uncle on the situation. Also, the parents may be informed which may make them take the situation more seriously. The most important thing that may happen would be the daughter is talked to about the situation because in many cases they are happy for the attention and don't think anything is wrong or that it is love. It's important for 11 year old's or any child to understand appropriate behavior.

Keep us imformed, and I know you will do what is right.
G.

i would go to the authorities and say i not sure if anything is going on but i was concerned and they will send a social worker to talk to the girl adn see if there is anything going on.. cus he should not be showering with her, no 37yr old should be showering with an 11yr old wether it is a boy or girl.. ANd NO you are not wrong in telling her if she is blind to the fact that is very inappropriate adn most likely something else going on you need to let the authorities know. cus i have friends that were abused by their dad and it went on too long. soo you want to nip whatever in teh bud before any more damage can happen... good luck with it...

Absolutely not!!!! You are so right to check into this...you could be the only one that has seen the red flags, whether or not your friend is offended, you need to check into it for the sake of that precious 11 yr. old.

Absolutely not normal; absolutely inappropriate as you can see from the concensus below. Seek professional help immediately.

That seems unusual to me also, especailly for a child of that age. If the child were under 5 then I would not think as much of it. If it were me I would be thinking that there may be an inappropreate relationship going on there especailly with them showing together.

ok, the hair on the back of my neck stood up when you said that a 37 year old man and 11 year old girl were showering together....Oh, so not ok. You did the right things by saying something but unfortunately I don't know what else you should do. Sorry

Your feelings of uneasiness are right on! The shower thing is a BIG warning sign and a BIG no-no! The only way that this would be called "normal" would be if there was a group of people with bathing suits on in the shower at the same time. I'm not sure how the showers were set up at your campsite, but one-on-one with an 11 year old and a 37 year old man without supervision is wrong! Your friend needs to have a deep-down talk with her husband and have him back off from this girl! Keep us posted.

NO, and NO! A 37 year old male should not be showering with a female of 11 years. Call Children Protection Services and ASK them, I have no doubt that they will same the same thing!! Good luck and God Bless.

Not. Normal.

Especially the showering.

11 is WAY too old for that.

You are right to be concerned.

Hope you can help your friend see that without damaging your relationship.

Good luck.

No you are not wrong. You did the right thing in my opinion. This behavior is not normal & if there isn't anything "going on" it still is not ok!I believe She is too old & he is not teaching her proper affection. I am glad you did not just look the other way because someone may need to look out for this little girl! It never hurts to be sure (it might hurt the relationship) but I think it is worth sacraficing in these types of situations. I am sorry you are stuck in this situation. It could be a blessing that you are there.

A.
www.hyenacart.com/thecandlebug

My opinion is the same as yours............ That doesn't seem normal to me.

I commend you for telling your friend what you saw and felt. She may be mad now but since you have alerted her, maybe she'll be keeping a closer eye on her daughter.
No, it is not normal for an eleven year old to be showering with a man that age or any other male above five years old.
You are a true friend and maybe with time your friend will come to realize that, whether or not your feelings are proven to be right or not. Thank you for being brave enough to think of the child's welfare first and foremost! We all need friends like you.

This is absolutely not okay. This girl is about to hit puberty if not already. I have been a victim in my life time. This reads danger all over it. There are lines to affection....showering with an 11 year old definitely crosses that line. This is her Uncle.....80% of molestation is from family members....this is a national statistic.

Seek help now!

I find that very odd and suspicious. I am glad you spoke up.I hope you have planted a seed of doubt with your friend. She is way too old to be taking a shower with a grown man. It seems a little too close.

I wish you all the luck I can send you.

RED ALERT! Just reading your post gave me a wrong vibe. I do NOT think it's any way appropriate for a grown man to do those things with an 11yr old girl. I would understand a hug, maybe a kiss on the cheak, but not showering, or rubbing or sitting on his lap. Maybe she is looking for love and attention in the wrong place or way. I think telling your friend was right, maybe she got offended because it bothers her too, but she was showing the offence because she realized that it's not ok. Who knows? That's very strange and not ok behavior I think.

That is not the wrong vibe you got. Your friend is in denial. This is how pedophiles groom their victims. The majority of the time children are sexuallly abused by family members, they have the most opportunity.

man i would be freaked out. i do not think that is normal.

I have a 7 year old daughter who is very affectionate. She loves to cuddle up to her mom and dad and hold hands with us. She gives her teacher a hug every day before she leaves.

I think cuddling up together sometimes is normal, even holding hands. But excessive rubbing and showering are beyond the realm of what is normal or acceptable. I wonder if the child's mother knows what is going on. If she doesn't, she needs to find out. If I saw this between my daughter and husband I would do make sure it stopped, so it definitely should not be going on between a young girl and any man.

S.,
unfortunately, that is not normal behavior and you did the right thing to mention it to your friend.... That would be a huge red flag for me, if i was in your shoes. I honestly would have done the same thing and said something....
I am beside myself right now, and im pretty lost for words.... So i am just going to leave it at that, before i spout off and say something about him and it wont be nice.

Please tell this childs parents what you saw and let them decide what to do.That kind of behaviour is NOT normal.It's completely inapropriate and just reading about it gives me the creeps.

S.-

I agree with you.

Good Luck-

L.

It might be normal for them, but it's not normal, and you were right to mention it to your friend. Your friend needs to know that her daughter is at an age where that sort of thing is no longer innocent. She needs to start learning that there are sexual boundaries and inappropriate behaviors.

That is totally wrong between the uncle and niece.

S.,
For the shake of the girl and other childern you must report it. If you are wrong, Thank God, But if this child is being sexually abused are if it is the start of it, then either way you have done the right thing by reporting it. There are so many people out there that see are know of these things happening but they don't report it, because they don't want to get involved, or ruin a friendship, ect, so many resons they have not to call it in, and so many childern being hurt.
If it was your child would you want to know or would you just be in deniel like your friend is, plus it is only their neice, not their own. A childs life and welfare is worth more then then a friendship or the love of ones husband.
I will tell you that when you call it in do not hesitate to give your name. As an anonymous caller, the Dept. of Childern Services will put it in a file and follow up on it only if they get other complaints, this is because so many people make false calls out of spite or for whatever reason, They feel if you are making a real complaint and care enough to call you will give your name, so please CALL AND DO IT NOW, they have a 24 hour intake line , call now for the sake of the child.