I have a four year old daughter and have been divorced from her father for 2 years. I have been single since then, up until the last month... my daughter is usually pretty well behaved, but when my new bf is around she is out of control. She does not obey, she constantly argues and acts out for attention. I feel like I give her plenty of attention and we always include her and try to make her feel important. I want the 3 of us to be able to spend time together, but it's always so stressful and frustrating and she just ends up in trouble the whole time. What can I do to ensure that she feels completely comfortable around him and won't feel the need to act out?
maybe she is not feeling safe, she may fear him and she doesn't know how to express herself, or just not be ready for the situation. I agree with many others, if you date don't do it in front of her, get a babysitter and meet him somewhere, don't worry her yet. Just tell her you have things to do and hire a trustworthy person to sit.
Take care,
K.
Please read "10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives" by Dr. Laura. This will help give you the perspective you need.
Unless you can commit to never divorce again, you have sworn off dating until she turns 18.
She's more important than any boyfriend.
I was in the same boat a few months ago with my three year old son, and all i can say is keep up what you're doing. in time she WILL adjust and everything will fall into place. All it takes is time and she will soon love him as much as you do! That's how my son was anyways!
I just read the other responses and honestly, it doesn't sound like any one of them have been in the same situation because their ideas are not realistic. There is nothing wrong with introducing the new man in your life to your daughter as a new friend and letting her adjust. You can't be celibate forever!
yes daughter comes first....i would not push the issue and dont expect to have the 3 of you in a room together. She is not old enough to understand nor should she be taught right now:) I know you need alone time too but she comes before anyone.
I know this is tough on you- hang in there.
Whatever you work out, here's the main thing - your daughter MUST come first. If your boyfriend has to go, then so be it. Your daughter is way more important, and she's got to be #1. I have heard it said that children in divorced families are better off if their parents don't date... I know that might be really hard, but it might be best to focus on your daughter for now and leave romance for later. Staying in this situation could mean a very angry and hurt child. Good luck - I know it's not easy!!
I'm sure you've had a rough time these past couple years, and my heart goes out to you. However, your daughter is acting out because that's the only way she can communicate the trauma that's going on inside her. You may be ready to date others and replace your ex-husband, but from her viewpoint, she is NOT ready to replace her daddy.
Most reputable child psychologists will tell you to not have your daughter involved at all with anyone you date, unless it's serious enough that you're planning to marry that person. (no matter the age of the child) I'm sure it gets lonely without adult companionship, but if you're going to date, do it during times when your daughter is with her dad, or another trusted caregiver. Or maybe trade childcare with a neighbor so it's not expensive. If he doesn't understand this, then dump him now. I also recommend the book by Dr. Laura. I know it's tough on you, but I agree with the others that your daughter must come first. Hang in there.
maybe its just hard for her to see her mommy with a new person who isnt her dad... if it is possible have your boyfriend get something for your daugther that she likes (maybe a movie, book, toy or maybe a ride to the park) this way both of them can bond with eachother and she will learn not to act the way she is with him
she probably feels that since her dad isnt there and you got a new boyfriend she might feel you might not want her and want someone else..
M.,
Your child comes first. She is only 4 and you cannot expect her to understand the details and emotional baggage of adults. That is totally unfair to her.
I would limit any contact between her and the boyfriend. If he wants to see you, maybe it needs to be when you can have a sitter safetly watch your little girl, and he can take you out on a date. That way, you and your boyfriend can work on getting to know one another without interuption. I would NOT get your child involved in your relationship with your boyfriend, until you two might be making some type of commitment.(Which should be out of the question after only a month!) When you do go out on a date, you can explain to her that you are going out with a friend and having some adult time.
Give the relationship time to grow first. You may decide you don't like each other after a while!
I've heard of too many moms making selfish choices and it hurts everyone, especially the kiddos. I would especially be careful of a man, any man, whom I have not known very long, getting close to my daughter. That is a red flag to me. But, I am very protective of my kids.
Think of your kids first mom. You have a precious gift to nuture and love and you only get one chance.
I'd put the boyfriend on hold for a while or at least keep him out of the house.
Dear M.,
I am sorry to hear of such a rough time, but this jealousy could have happened in other situations too, such as the arrival of a new baby (if marriage had worked out).
From my experience so far, 3 and 4 year-olds do not like sharing mommy with anyone. Just keep up your efforts to reassure her, but I would not expect any magic solution to instantly "cure" the issue.
You might try shorter periods of time with all three of you as to not overwhelm your daughter's tolerance, or arrange for some kind of downtime during longer visits. You might also try to give your daughter a "way out" when she feels she can't take it any more. I know at this age kids are impulsive and it's hard to get them to think before acting, but you can practice the skill. Some sort of signal to you that she needs time away. (Not punishment...a break when she chooses.)
As a teacher I have found when students can communicate a need, the intensity of conflict goes down. Same works for parenting...that's why baby sign language is such a hit. Four year olds may be verbal, but they can't express everything when in states of intense emotion, so they act out.
Good luck!
