Need Advise on How to Get Child Used to Living with My Boyfriend.

I would move out until when or if you get married. You don't want her to have to go throught this all again if you breakup

I have not been in a situation like this, but I know of a children's book that came out years ago about a little girl adjusting to her mommy's new husband:

Getting Used to Harry (Hardcover)
by Cari Best, Diane Palmisciano (Illustrator) "After Harry, Pansy and I had to wait while Inky trimmed Harry's hair, tried on new shoes, and danced cheeky-cheeky to the music on the..." (more)

Good luck,
A.

Hi C.,

I wouldn't worry so much. My daughter who is 3.5 does the same even though its her own father and mother. She doesn't let us get a word together. Kids also do this when a new baby comes home. So just try to make her feel special (both of you should do this) and she'll get over it after a while. She's still young so probably doesn't know how to express her feelings. Hope this helps.

I can understand that getting married is a big step for you, but it is true that alot of kids problems come from having perspective Mommies and Daddies run out on them after they get attached and it would be a good Idea to wait till you were married.

I know you love your baby girl and want to do what's best and she seems to really like him, but that doesn't mean moving in would necessarily be ok. My husband and I put off getting married for 2 years due to money problems and finally just threw a little at home wedding together w/a JP. (It was beautiful and just as special, even if it wasn't big) What is more important to you? getting married to the man you love and giving your daughter a new loving family, or having a big grand wedding? Hopefully other Moms assumptions on him putting it off because he may want a way out & not actually want a commitment is incorrect, because that's a dastardly thing to do to a Mommy and her child.

I personally am the sorry observer of a bro-in-law who hasn't been going out w/a girl for not even a year and his daughter is calling her Mommy, the girlfriend takes care of her and he isn't even divorced yet & she is only 20. I've expressed my concerns but they just brush it off.

I think & hope you'll do the best you can, and the right thing for your baby. Good Luck

Now it's my turn to give my two cents. I think forcing a child to think of this new situation as her 'family' is absurd. He's not her family until you two are married. Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for living with your boyfriend BEFORE marriage because you never really know a person until you've lived with them, BUT in the case where there is a child involved, I think the reverse is more beneficial. Your child is 6 and there is a stranger now living with her. Since she's never had a male (permanent) figure in her life, she's probably terrified of who this person is that is taking her mom away. I'm not a prude in any way (or holier than thou), but I really think if he's a great guy, and wants a role in you & your daughter's life, you need to be married AFTER she's come to accept him or at least tolerate him.

A response brought up a good point...do you really want your daughter to get attached to him and then you or he bail out just because things aren't working out?! Talk about confusion for a child and what a horrible example that would be for her, and more importantly one that SHE will more than likely repeat when she's of age.

Another response suggested the reason for the living together as a way to get closer to your daughter. I'm paranoid by nature, but I would really rethink the decision of living with him, especially if he was more aggressive about it then you. I'm not saying your boyfriend is a predator, but don't let love/emotions overshadow your ability to protect your child. If you're living together for financial reasons, you need to move out and get a roommate.

One last thing and I will get off my pedastool, you said it's causing stress in your relationship. BIG-F-IN DEAL. You're both adults and can handle it. It's causing more stress for your DAUGHTER. DO THE MATH.

I have to add my 2 cents... It was just my mom and myself until I was 7, she met a guy and immediately moved him in. I felt like he took my mom away from me, I didn't understand, I hated him. My mom forced me to like him and hug him and tell him I love him. To this day I can't stand him, I'm 26 years old. Don't force her to even talk to him, she will never forget and always think that you were putting him way before her. When I turned 18 I moved out and never looked back. I still have the same feelings I had towards both of them for forcing me to accept he was going to be a part of my life. I haven't spoke to my mom in 6 years.

I hope everything works out for you and your little girl.

Hi C.,

I am so sorry that you got lamblasted about your request. Please know there are some well meaning intent with some of the advice, but their also might be mean-spirited. People forget that we are not here to make other do "morally" what they should or should not do. The move-in part seems to have bother people and each person has that choice to make.

Just from look at your profile, you seem like an educated, articulate young woman and should find happiness whether your child is 16 or 5. Many of these ladies just speak from experience and situations that they have seen or found themselves in. Yes, talking openly and honestly to your child is the best way to be. You have to do what you feel is right for you and your child.

Yes, you are entitled to be happy and you should be especially if your BF/Fiance is good to you and your child and accepts you as a package. I did not read the original post, so I am not sure how long you have been in this committed relationship,how long he has known your child, is there problems with the ex, etc. but just know that not everyone is here to judge you or belittle and patronise you.

I wish much happiness with your new life and new husband and your sweet 5 year old girl!

Email me at ____@____.com

Thanks!

G. B.

If you really love this guy, why don't you marry him? If she saw you going through the ceremony and the commitment of marriage, it would probably make more sense to her. Please rethink this decision. Do you want your daughter to someday move in with her boyfriend? I'm not trying to sound judgmental, I'm just hoping that you'll think about the effects on your daughter by not commiting to marriage.

I’m writing in hopes that some of the previous people who replied come back and read this.

Clearly C. is trying to do the best for her daughter. The very fact that she’s asking questions shows that she wants to do everything possible and consider every angle.

I do not know C. or her situation, but I want to point out that single moms (I am one myself) have a very tough path ahead of them.

For those of you who criticize her for “shacking up” and suggest that she wait for the permanency of marriage to provide something “stable”, please remember most single mom’s tried that and it wasn’t a “lifelong” commitment. I don’t know anyone who got married thinking they *might* get divorced, maybe it will work out. Everyone who gets married thinks it WILL work out. Keep this in mind when you preach “wait for marriage”. Some of you, who think you are in a lifelong commitment, aren’t. I did NOT want to be divorced. My ex husband left when I was pregnant with our second child. I never thought that would happen. Many of my friends thought I had married a perfect man.

Another thing to think about… lets say your husband left tomorrow (he could!) … How many of you could support yourself and your kids alone? It’s not easy. Sometimes people have to make hard decisions – and that MAY involve living with someone. No, that’s not an ideal way to make a decision, but sometimes that’s the best choice given the options you have. You can’t automatically say it’s a bad choice. Not everyone has a big bank account or family to fall back upon. That doesn’t mean they are “bad” people or made “bad” choices.

C., best of luck you. I think there is some good advice for you here, especially from the people that have moved in with boyfriends in the past.

oh C. you have my sympathy. I had to do it with a 12 & 14 year old on my side & a 7/5/4 on his part time. Hang on. It took awhile. Even now we have I hate you days. But he is man enough to understand she's just a teen. Dad also could have said something to set her off. My guys ex, always tells the kids, don't forget you don't have to listen to your step mom every time we pick them up. so those battles are fun.

Your daughter is young. She is scared you love him more. Assure her that she is the most important thing in your life. That you love her most. It will take time. ANd again, Dad may be saying stuff in the background. Hopefully not that gets confusing until they are older.

Good Luck & GOD bless you.

C.; I have to say that is very sad of you that you decided it to be a WOMAN before being a mom now don't blame your Daughter for your wrong doing! Your Dghter is asking you for what's rightfully hers.. You need to lisent to Dr. Laura I hope this doesn't back fire because it sounds to me like it is already and why did you have to move in with him?? That was wrong too. When you become a mother you need to think about the children FIRST.. Take Care of your child she already lost her father not that I am saying it was your fault, but you should have been there for her, My personal advise is for you to move back out.. Get your own place with her.. And if you want to date don't do it in front of your Child! Your mess up are not HERS.

Sorry I strongly Believe (CHILDREN FIRST)

Hi C.,

I truly understand you.. I too have an 8 myear old daughter now.. I was a single mother 4 years ago.. My daughter was 4.. Her bio dad and I divirced when she was 2 years old.. I was alone for awhile so it was here and I.. I never intorduced her to anyone until I met my husband now.. Even then like you said she would talk to him and they had a great relationship.. We included her in everything, of coarse I had no family support at the time.. I wanted to be the perfect nom and compensate for messing upher life(Not true though).. However, when I moved here almost 4 years ago and we all lived together, things changed.. Now, Mind you when I got together with my boyfriend then husband now I was very Foward. I told him that my daughter was first and I would always side with her He Knew where he stood and agreed.. He knew I was a strong charctered women but then my ex husband made me that way.. anyway, my daughter also started acting up and interrupting conversations.. She needed my attention and I noticed that I was just not focusing much on her Because now I had to share myself with both of them.. He was very understanding. She kept on and they would argue and I would get upset and argue with him, bad choice.. She knew she had me on her side. She was right. But I realized she was playing me.. I then mad a conscious decision to be fair.. She grew out of it... She still has her moments but not so bad, she now has a bay sister and he is now her father.. It will work out just don't lose your cool.. I know how easy it is to do that.. call a friend she will make you feel better...I still have to play mediator but girl buy now I just let them be.. Also your bf needs to understand that you are a package and us packages are not that easy.. He should understand if he is the amazing man you think he is..... I wish you well and if you ever need advice let me know...
L.
www.marykay.com/lnaranjo

It sounds as if you are trying to make sure you are ALL doing things together too much for her. She probably needs a little bit more just Mommy time.

Explain to her that this man is not going to be her Daddy. That she has a daddy that loves her and that he will always be there for her. You are not trying to make this man her new daddy, you are just adding a new person into her life.

Then ask her why she is upset and listen. Don't get defensive, just listen. You would be surprised the information she can give you about what is going on with her little life and you need to not compete with her feelings. Try to understand what she is saying. There may be underlying reasons she doesn't like your BF. Maybe he isn't always what he seems or maybe she feels like the outsider. Make sure no matter what she tells you, you make her know that you love her more than anyone that will ever come into your life and that no one will replace her.

I would highly suggest, if you don't already, to spend 30 minutes each night with her when you tuck her into bed. Use this time as your bonding time. Time to share secrets and bond. Just Mommy and me time...

I was your daughter when I was about her age. I hated my, what came to be, my step mother. I felt she had stolen my father from my mother. Eventually, the woman started being horrible to me behind my father's back. As a child, I felt that my daddy would leave me just like he did Mom if I told him everything that was going on. It all came out when I was 17. We all have a better relationship now, but it took a long time.

Maybe that's too much information, but I wanted to give you some background. I wish you the best of luck. I hope this helps!

Jodi

You sound like me, but mine is a 6 yr old boy. We got married in October & it has just gotten worse. of course we moved from Florida too & left our whole family there. But otherwise, we have it made financially, where as a single mom for 9 years with 4 kids, The 3 girls are adults now, so its just us)I was always just one step ahead. I dont really have any answers for you, other than to tell you, youre not alone! I will let you know if I figure it out if you'll do the same! I know I have really tried to emphasize that my new husband isnt taking daddys place & 2 dads are better than one. It seems to help a little. He also spends time with him 1 day a week, just them, even if its just a trip to mcdonalds. good luck! J. in Ft worth!

C.~

First of all I can tell that you are a good mom because you are asking for help on this forum. I know that you are really wanting to help your family cope with this life change. We all have had issues come up with parenting where we feel unable to provide the answers. I commend you for seeking the advice of other moms to give you some perspective. I am sorry that some support was masked with intense responses. I really think that this is a topic that a lot of people can relate too...especially with so many blended families in today's society.

I don't know you. I don't know your relationship with your boyfriend or your financial situation. You may not be able to slow things down and move back out until your daughter is ready. That is okay. I think that there are ways to increase your daughters coping without making another life change of moving again.

You need to establish a little bit of old home into the new home. Think about the routines that you had with your daughter. Did you eat dinner together or play a special game at home. Be consistant with all of your routines of home! That is what children come to depend on. Make time for just you and your daughter. This will send the message that she is important and help her get the attention she is craving. Slowly bring your boyfriend into your activities or let him be apart of a brand new child focused activity. Maybe you all make cookies together as a family. Let your daughter stay the center of this entire activity. You and your boyfriend will interact her with her. Through time the consistancy will build a new routine. I do agree with everyone else that it is important not to force your daughter to have the same feelings of love that you do for your boyfriend. She does however need to have manners. I think that it is important for you to remain consistant in those. If you have always had her say thank you then she needs to do it still. She just doesn't have to hug or love on her new boyfriend. If she becomes close to your boyfriend and then he leaves she will have a hard time with this. You will see regression once more. So for now, just build back her routine and slowly introduce the new one. I hope that things work out!

J.

After reading all these other responses I have to add my opinion too. I am all for living with someone before you get married. I am a single mom and if I decide to live with someone before marriage and my daughter learns that from me, great!!! I would prefer for her to live with someone before marriage when she grows up. I think you can learn a lot about a person by living with them.

When I was around age 6, my dad remarried. I remember that my half-brother and I didn't like her at the time. After spending time with her and getting to know her I came to love her and thought of her as one of my best friends. I don't even know why I didn't like her in the beginning. I don't think it had anything to do with her. I think we wouldn't have liked anyone. Oh and they were married when they started living together so the "lifelong commitment" didn't make any difference.

A woman I know has a 5 year old. She was a single mom since he was born. Just recently he met his birth father for the first time and the parents moved in together with the child in July. They are not married but are in a "commited relationship". The child acted much the same way when they first moved in. He had always been very close to his mom and once they moved in he only wanted to do things with her. He wants his mom to do everyhing. Even simple things liking waking him up for school in the morning to pooring him more drink at dinner. She has just stepped back a little and let the dad take a more active role in doing things for the child and showing him that the dad will be there for him. Within the last few months the child has gotten used to the dad being there and helping out and seems to be more comfortable with him. And as far as the interupting goes, he does that with most adult conversations. If you are talking on the phone it is even worse. She just tells him that she (or the other person) is talking right now and that he must wait his turn. Then she will not answer him if he keeps trying to interupt. When she or the other person finishes what they are saying, then she will turn to him and say that he may now say what he needed to say. It seems to be working because he has gotten much better at not interupting.

I agree with what some of the people said that you must establish limits to what she can and can't do, such as interupting is not allowed. I also agree that you need to make sure you have time for just you and her. Make sure she knows that even though this man is now in your life, that it doesn't mean that you love her any less and that you will always make time for her. I also agree that if this is the right man for the 2 of you, then he will help in any way that he can. I would also agree with the person that suggested seeing a counselor. It can be helpful to talk to someone that is not personally involved and that won't make judgements. Good luck with everything.

C.,

I would have to agree with the underlying premise of most of the responses you have received, although I think many of them could have been more constructively written. The point of this message board is not to attack anyone and I think you are genuinely looking for a solution to your situation as anyone else is that posts a request on this board. Having said that, here is my take on the situation.

I think your daughter is very shaken up by this transition in her life. She doesn't understand this new arrangement and to be perfectly honest, I don't think she should be expected to. I agree with some of the other responders in saying that I think the potential damage that could be done to your daughter long term definitely outweighs the benefits that you may receive from your new living arrangement. I would urge you to reconsider this decision and wait to move in with this man until you are both ready for a more long term commitment. You cannot force your daughter to like or love anyone, no matter how much you may love this man. If you truly think you have a future with him, then give it some time and slow things down for your daughter's sake. Give her a chance to see the positive things in him that you do and let her accept him on her own terms. If you both feel that marriage is the right step to take, then your daughter may be able to understand the family dynamic a bit more as she will be gaining a step-father. In your case, I'm sure she is just very confused right now and doesn't understand how this man is supposed to fit into her life. And, as previously mentioned, if this doesn't work out, she will be even more hurt and confused. It is very difficult to put the needs of others before your own, but when you have children, that's part of the badge you wear as a mom.

Take some time to think about the issues that have been raised in these responses (ignore the sting of some of the harsh language) and really think about what your daughter may be trying to tell you. Since she doesn't understand these issues as they are very grown up ones, she can't verbalize them, so she is acting out in the only way she knows how. Best of luck to you and to your daughter.

V.

Kids don't act like this for no reason - maybe some but not all of this. Please talk with her and find out why she dislikes this man. Before a new person is moved into a child's life it is important to make sure they feel secure and that they have no reason to dislike this person. Is she ever left alone with him? Is the behavior worse afterwards? People like to say that kids are really resilliant but I know the cost can be really high. This is her life as well as yours and she has a right to be able to say how she feels and be listened to. I wish this had been taken care of before the move - was she even consulted or was she just told?

Btw, one of my kids was abused by a man I thought was just great..........don't say it can't happen because she displays the symptoms....good luck

I know how you feel, my daughter seems to do that when she gets back from visiting her father. I have found that leaving them alone at home and letting them have their own one on one time helps. I will go to the mall for a couple of hours and when I get back she is saying how he is her best friend. I also found taking her to the zoo or camping as a family helps also. We try to play games with her and do things all together. It is frustrating, but hang in there!!!

Also giving her some one on one time helps...whether it is just the two of you coloring together or taking her for a girls day out.

C.,
I have a child the same age and cannot have a conversation with my husband without being interupted EVER. I think that part is normal for this age. It sounds like your daughter is worried and stressed out because she feels she needs your attention and if that is how she is feeling then you should give her what she needs. She feels like her world is changing and it really is. That is very scary for a little girl. I don't know what your situation is...how long this boyfriend has been a part of your lives, why you would not make it a permanent relationship etc., but I will say that if she forms an attachment to this man and then things don't work out she will be even more insecure about your relationship and her relationship with others.

C., my advice to you comes from someone that is in your "boyfriend's" shoes. I am now a "Mommy" to my Fiance's 3 year old son. I am 19 years old going to be 20 the day before my Fiance and I get married in June!

Much to alot of the ladies below surprise, things can work out!

I graduated in 2005 from HIGH SCHOOL. I attended the University of South Carolina Upstate on a GOlf Scholarship for one semester which was the Fall of 2005.

I then, came home and moved in with my "Boyfriend" and his son.

We are still together and got engaged this past October...

I love my little boy. AND...

I love my husband/"Fiance" with all my heart.

The ONLY question you need to ask yourself is whether or not you think your boyfriend really trully cares for your daughter.

What alot of the responses that I read didn't even question the amount of time that you and your "Boyfriend" have been together?!

What about if the "birth" Father saying anything to your six year old?

What alot of the Women below said was rude and OUT OF LINE. You asked for suggestions not a Ranting from someone that doesn't know you.

My suggestion is finding the root of your daughter's feelings. Spend alone time with her just being there for her and letting her know that she can still talk to you as a Friend and a Mommy. Also, alow the Boyfriend and your daughter to spend alone time with eachother. Allow them to bond and whatnot.

It took a while for my Fiance's Son to get used to me at the beginning. But when I got back from school, I wasn't working and daycare was taking away from my Fiance's income. So, Mikey stayed with me. He bonded with me and got alot of direction. Not every child is perfect and not just one parent can do an atleast two person job.

I hope my advice helps and don't take all that these, I am sure, HYPOCRITICAL women have to say to you. THEY AREN'T PERFECT. People make mistakes. It is possible to make a mistake in this situation. From what I have read about you, it seems as though you are doing a pretty good job. If you didn't care about your daughter, you wouldn't have made the request!

Good LUCK!!

My situation was very similar to yours, my ex-husband and I divorced when my son was 14 months old, however I wasn't single long. I married my currnet husband a week after my son turned two. But, even with my son being so young when all of this took place the dependency he and I formed those first two years has had very lasting, lingering affects on him. He and I were everything to each other. I had never even left him with a sitter until he was eighteen months old, and to this day my husband cannot be alone together without him banging on a door to be let in, or him trying to crawl in bed to sleep between us, I can't even close the door when going to the bathroom without him freaking out. I have been told that it is all very normal in our situation. He was the man in my life his whole life, even if it was only two years of mine. And, for someone to come into his life, take away his mother and start being a father figure, with all the bossing and telling him no about certain things and so on, well, that's alot to take on from someone his age. He's four and one day it will all come together for him, and he does have a great one-on-one relationship with his step-dad, but if you throw me into the mix, than it is every man for himself. So just continue to be patient, set boundries (don't let your daughter be rude or get away with things you wouldn't normally just because you think she is going through a tough patch, kids depend on us to set limits) and do NOT force a relationship between the two of them. It will eventually happen, maybe not quickly, but naturally, and that is a bond that will last. Good Luck.

K. C.

Hello C.,
I feel the need to reply to your email seeing advice. First of all and above all else, you need to realize that your daughter comes first! Her feeling of security and happiness are the most important, not yours. This is a classic case of her not feeling secure in this set up and that's where her actions are coming from. Since you are only living with this guy, not married to him, she has no way of being sure that this guy is sticking around. There's no "bond" such as marriage to keep you all there and there's nothing to keep him from wanting to cut and run when it gets tough. Basically, what she sees is you guys playing house. Think of what kind of message you're sending to your daugher....that it's ok to live with a guy, and drag your child along, when you're not married. No wonder she's acting out. Obviously she's a smart child and you should take her actions as a warning. I should not look for it to get any better as long as you're "playing house". There's nothing there to provide any stability or security for her and she probably feels like she has to "share" share you with your boyfriend. I'm sure you love your daugther but you need to look at this from her perspective and what's best for her. Good luck!

I have never been in your situation but i have two step children and there mom has been ingaged twice and they usually go through an adjustment somewhat like your daughter. i would suggest maybe spending some time with her alone so she dosnt think she is being replaced bc it has only been you two for so long maybe thats what she is afraid of. i would also make sure her dad is adding to any of her doubt. shes still to young to understand the situation and with our kids we have had to tell them that their mom still loves them very much but she also loves the person she is with also. it dosnt mean that he is taking her place but adults need other adults around to love them too. then you might see if she would go do something fun with just him so she can get to know him and maybe see that he is just a new friend in her life that someday may be more... this is a really hard adjustment for everyone but dont give up hope if you really love him she will eventually see that and warm up to him too.

C., as a former social worker, I think you already know the answer to your questions...you just need to take a step back and figure things out.

Now, I agree with a lot of what the previous posters said, though I think some of them were a little crazy. You should not be expected to wait until your daughter is 18 and moved out to start dating...that is nonsense! BUT, you do need to put your daughter's needs first, especially at this young age. You said you "moved in with" your boyfriend, did you move to his house, or did he move to your place? Moving by itself is stressful for kids, especially if it meant moving in with sommeone who is taking Mommy away, as I'm sure your daughter sees it.

Also, how much time did your daughter spend with your boyfriend before you moved in together? They need to spend some time getting to know each other. How long have the two of you been dating? Are you planning to get married? What is the rush to move in together? Have you asked your daughter what is going on? If not, you need to. You and your daughter need to have a heart-to-heart about how she is feeling. She does need to understand that rude behavior is NOT tolerated, she needs to treat your bf with respect, even if she doesn't like him. Try to understand where she is coming from. Life as she knows it is over...this is a huge change for her.

That being said, it is possible that your daughter is just craving attention. My 3 year old is very clingy and interrupts if she thinks I am givng too much attention to her Dad or her sister...that is what little kids do. But, she needs to know where she stands with you and that her feelings matter to you. Ultimately, it is your responsibility to provide your child with a loving, safe and secure environment. Find out why she feels she is missing some of that.

You cannot force her to love, or even like, the man in your life, but you can expect her to be civil and respectful of him. You need to ask yourself some tough questions and then determine if your current situation is what is best for your daughter.

I wish you the best of luck!

Your daughter does not want to betray her dad. You living together changes the family unit, which at one time was you and her and her dad and her.She is very insecure right now. She needs your patience but also for you to be firm in letting her know she has to respect him. She feels your boyfriend does not belong with you. Your boyfriend is going to have to develope a loving relationship with her, that includes respect. he is going to have to gradually step into that role of parent. You are going to have to let him love and disipline her. If you don't she will never respect him. She needs to spend time with him. He also needs to be a permanent thing your lives. If he is make sure your baby knows that. My son was 5 when I married my current husband. It was so hard as a mom to let this man who I let into our home disipline and love my baby. But my son is now 21 and he and my husband are very close. Make sure the disipline is loving. Good Luck I hope it all works out.

C.,
That is a tough situation. I know b/c I have been there. The relationship I was in did not work out fortunately for us b/c he didn't turn out to be who I thought he was. However, it was hard for my daughter to get adjusted to him living with us. She did some of the same things that your daughter has done, too. I had to be very firm with her and say that I understood that she felt that she might be left out but that was not the case. In fact, he was just one more person to love her and do things for her. Just remember to try and include her in as much as possible and to save your serious conversations for when she is in bed or at her dad's house. You also want to make sure that she is not going to her dad's house and saying things that might cause a problem for you. Not that she would, but kids do strange things when they feel left out. Just give it time mostly and she should eventually accept things. You just need to be sure to reiterate to her that this is the way it's going to be and she will have to learn to live with it. I hope things get smoother soon. Good luck and take care.
Amanda

My assuption is that she feels left out or as if she's being pushed aside for this new man. Many times children without a consistant father figure grow to be very warey of all men and sometimes either dislike them or are afraid of them. She probably sees the love and affection you are giving him and is used to having it all herself and is afraid he is more important than her now.
If he is truely a wonderful man, he will understand and give it all the time in the world, as well as continue showing her kindness and affection.
You should make sure to give her just as much, if not more attention (not spoiling, just time, talking, playing, etc.) as you did before he came into the picture to reafferm your love.
Always remember- she is your flesh, she will always be your daughter, men can come and go (hopefully not!) but she should always be your #1 and know it!

I just read some of the comments and replies that people have left you and what they don't understand is how HARD it is to be a parent. I couldn't imagine having to do it alone. So I have so much respect for you. You are not dead you know! You have a right to have a life too and It's as though these people are saying you can't have a life until she is 18. I DON'T THINK SO! My mom was a single mom and remarried when I was 5. I went from having a dead beat dad to having the best father anyone could have ever asked for. So I wanted to say that there is nothing wrong with your situation. You have the right to want to a father figure for your daughter as would any WONDERFUL mother and ultimatley what people don't understand is you aren't being selfish you are putting your daughters needs first. Congratulations on the engagement and I hope that you have a very happy marraige. You sure deserve it!

C.,
This is her life, as much as yours, and as was mentioned, she is your flesh, he is not. If he is so great, he & she should have had a great understanding & love for one another BEFORE you shacked up together. Marriage is a wonderful thing with the right person, and live-in relationships have a terrible track record for failure. Does your daughter need the tumult? If he is upset now, it doesn't sound like he's ready to step in to the role of "step-dad," & this relationship may not last long enough to go through the efforts of forcing her to care for him. If you want to live with a guy, that's your call, but as a child of divorce whose mother remarried a man I detested- she deserves to have her feelings respected and heard. It is not just about you & your needs. What she is going through at this time will affect her relationship with you, as well as men, long term. She needs to know you value her & that if a relationship is not good for her, you're not going to keep pushing her into it just b/c it's what you want.

Read Dr. Laura Schlessinger's "Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives." It might clarify a few things for you.

Put your daughter's needs first. You can always shack up later. It's only 12 years until she's on her own & you will have plenty more life to live, but this time with her is priceless & finite.

D.

A little about me: I have been married to a great guy for almost 15 years, and have 4 & 7 year old daughters, that mean the world to me.