My Almost 5 Year Old Is Too Afraid to Go to Sleep?

Hi P.
Not sure I should even be responding to your letter. I am not a psychologist...just a Mum and Gramma.
Ok, you have a lot on your plate that could be upsetting the child, yes.
Start with the fairy tale. You did not say which one it was. Talk with the boy and bring up the story and ask him if he liked that story. He should say no and then you ask him why . You could ask him if it was a scarey story , if he answers yes, probe that .
What scared him? Why did it scare him? Does he think it could happen to him?
Does he think that something bad will happen to him if you or dad are not right in sight?
Assuage his fears and reassure him that you and Dad will always protect him, would never let "it" happen to your little boy.
At another session deal with the moving. This is a very scarey , unstable time for a little child. His world, as he knows it, is changing and he doesnt know what will happen to him.
Are you leaving grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends behind? Address that with him.
Probe to find the source of his fears and then help him to face them in as realistic a way as a five year old can.
Five is a ticky age...it is going from baby to child and leaving the utter, secure safety of the aura of Mum.
They seem to waver between this heady feeling of independence and a "cling-on" phase. It also causes many fears of what could happen if Mum or Dad is not right there.
You will see this again when he grows from child around ten to twelve, to teenager.
The concept of being able to make decisions and choices on their own, to be "berift" of constant parental supervision is very disturbing to pubescents.
It has been my experience, as a mother of seven and gram of 17 that the best way to deal with seemingly unfounded fears is to face them head on...help the child verbalize as best they can, and remember, no matter how trivial it seems to you, it is their truth and where they are coming from.
You do not mention if you are believers.. a caring God and his angels are powerful antidotes for fears of children.
Now, is there anything else that could have set him off?
It doesnt hurt to ponder fully on what is going on in his life. Sometimes these fears grow from the most unexpected sources.
Tincture of time and patience...this too, shall pass.
Best wishes and God bless
Grandmother Lowell

Oh my- that's awfully late! I would be afraid he wasn't getting enough sleep for proper development! How frustrating for you!
My 6-year old can be equally stubborn at times. Once they get an idea, or fear, in their heads it's so difficult to convince them otherwise.
My 4-year old recently started being afraid at night. Luckily my girls share a room- so that made it easier. I did find a night light that she can take into her bed with her. It's rechargeable and has a soft comforting light. It seems to have empowered her to quiet down at night.
We had a good discussion about what can and can't hurt her. Apparently she was afraid of a ghost story she had heard at preschool. Instead of telling her she was silly or that it was just a pretend story- I acknowledged her fears and helped her to understand that there were no ghosts in our house and that the ghost story was about a place far away. That seemed to help her put it in it's place.
She still brings it up now and then, but she is empowered now and is no longer afraid.
Good luck,
S.

Hi P.,

I am going through the exact same thing with my 4 year old...even the standing in the hallway while he pees part! It started with a nightmare for my son. He remembers the dream and he even knows that it wasn't real, but he is still afraid. He has definitely gotten better since the first few weeks (yes, WEEKS) after the dream. I guess it just takes time for them to get over it. He is still in our bed (our fault, I know), but I don't think it is right to force a scared child to sleep in a dark room by himself. It took him a while, but he is now going into rooms by himself. I asked him this morning if one of his Star Wars guys could stand in the hall while he uses the bathroom instead of his Dad or I and he is open to that idea...I'm going to use that the next time he goes to the bathroom!

As for the moving part...we've been there as well. We just moved 7 months ago AND I had my 3rd baby 2 weeks before that. My poor son had so much going on. We just kept talking to him about the new house and how he, his little sister, and new baby brother were going to have so much fun in the new house. My husband would even play "moving day" with him and his trucks.

I hope it helps knowing that there are other Moms out there going through the same thing. Like I said earlier it's just going to take time. A lot of patience, reassurance, and sticking to as much of a routine as possible should help!

Good luck,
P.

same thing going on w/ mine--two things sugg by his pre-k teacher surprized me by helping...1) gave him my pillowcase as a "reminder that I am nearby, and love him, and that he's warm and safe and dry" ... he loves this! 2) we made a "golden ticket" which is his ticket to come find someone for support during the night, one time. These felt a bit more gimmicky to me than i usually go for, but he really loved them and it has helped. the other thign is at hnight letting him leave a small light on in his room. he has never had any sort of nightlight even (he's 5.5) but this has worked wonders. gotta run. good luck!!

I recently went through this with my 6 year-old daughter. You may need multiple approaches. Here's what worked for us. First, I needed her to talk about why she is scared. She said, "I don't know." Turned out to be general anxiety - not fear of monster, etc.. You need to know what you're dealing with to have the right approach. At 5 years old, your son is old enough to have a heart-to-heart with you. Explain why it is important that you all get your sleep, including yourself, and that he needs to help you work on this. If it's monsters - there are plenty of approaches out there for that. For general anxiety - first you might want to read some parent books for approaches. What worked for us was to combine "logical" discussions - you know there is nothing to actually be afraid of, it's just the "worry bug" in your brain sending you a crazy message - like a bad commercial for something you don't want to buy - you might not be able to stop the commercial from coming on t.v. - but you don't have to buy it. Just tell the worry bug ,"I'm not buying it. Go away." Combined with this type of "training" we did a reward chart - for 3 weeks of sleeping through the night and not calling, she got a BIG reward (for us, it was going to Build-A-Bear). It has to be something really BIG in his mind that he's been wanting - enough to be willing to work on things. You might make it a tad easier - maybe he can only call you once per night. Also, for the first 3 or 4 nights, I kind of found reasons to bend the rules when she transgressed - as long as I knew she was trying hard - sort of, "Hmm...I was just coming in to put some socks away. I didn't know you were awake." The 3 weeks is the right amount of time - don't make it less - it is enough time to form a "habit" - takes 3 or 4 weeks to form a habit. Also, for my daughter, books play a big role - if it's in a book, she believes it more. So I got some kids books about tools for falling asleep and relaxing - like counting your breaths (1-In, 2-Out, 1-In, 2-Out) or smelling a sachet - and it helped her immensely to see that other kids have trouble falling asleep sometimes - she's not the only one in the world (which was part of her anxiety). Some of the books turned out to be a bit more for older kids, but just to see the pictures and that other kids have trouble helped her a lot.
Another thought - if it was truly the fairy tale (this could just have been the last straw and not all the problems), but if he seems to be harping on the fairy tale - find out the story and write your own new happy ending - if he's willing, you might want to have him work on it with you - let him see that you can control this kind of thing. Alternatively, he might just feel better if you sit down with him and suddenly you have a brand new typed story - he could draw the pictures to go with it maybe. Make him feel back in control.
Good luck!

Have you tried being in the room with him in the dark and giving him a flashlight and letting him point out everything that scares him? Maybe it's something you can show him when he shines the light on it that it's really just one of his toys or there's a branch outside his window or something. I think the key is to figure out exactly what he's afraid of and then show him it's nothing to be afraid of or give him a way to get rid of it on his own. Like my kids used to say there were monsters under their beds or in their closet. So we gave them a spray bottle with water in it and told them it was monster juice and it would keep the monsters away. Just a little spray under the bed or in the closet and the monsters wouldn't come in. They were in control of when it needed to be sprayed and where it needed to be sprayed and it helped them. I would just talk to him first though and try to figure out what he's afraid of. Just keep reassuring him that everything is okay and you and daddy would never let anything happen to him because you love him so much. Good luck.

M.

My 8 year old daughter is the same way , she was always cautious but allof a sudden she won't go in a different room, leave my side go outside, even play on our swingset if I am not right beside her - she finally said it was some commercial on tv. However, the fears have not gone away - we have gone back to a night light but something that seemed to help is I gave her one of my nightgowns to sleep with.... any thing to help a little!!! We can;t figure it out!! Good luck.

Hello, I had that same problem when my son was that age. I think he was watching too many Scooby Doo movies (with the witches, goblins, vampires etc.) I think it was scaring him. During the day he wouldn't want to be alone.I have an upstairs in my house so if he was downstairs and I went upstairs he would ask me how long I was going to be up there because if it was for a hour or so he would make up and excuse to come up with me or vice versa he didn't want to be upstairs alone. I did tell him that nobody is in the house except for us and so he shouldn't be afraid to stay in a room alone. It did work after while but it took time, I think it is a phase that some kids go through. They need to feel that they are safe and secure, once he does it should stop, my son is now 7 and he is fine about staying in a room all by himself. Hope you and your son get through this.

Many great ideas...We like to review the day (all the fun things that we did, as we go to bed) If there was something troubling we will talk about how it made you cry, but then we made it better by... and wasn't this cool, and tomorrow we should do...

First things first though, maybe with him writing the scary story (as suggested), ask him what would make it scary if you can't pin it on the fairy tale...and let him be the hero in his own story. It coould be crafty and fun, and hopefully therapeutic for him. Have him make funny faces, shocked faces, scared faces and sleeping faces, to put on his pictures in his book (with him as the hero) he could add to it, and could get him talking about what is scary. A good time to talk about pretend and real? and what he can do to feel better (magic wand to turn dragons into ladybugs or pebbles with dragons painted on them?) Hope he feels better. Hope you both get some sleep. It is hard to see them so scared.