J.-
I am a Parent Coach and Certified Professional Nanny who specializes in toddlers. When I read your story, I knew I had some information that could help.
First, I’m not sure if you’re familiar with Erikson’s Stage of Development, but he was a brilliant psychologist who developed easy to understand information about each stage of development from infancy through adulthood. I have used his theories for the past 15 years when handling my toddlers, which is my favorite age group.
At the age of 2 ½ - 3 years old children are beginning to spread their wings, develop social relationships and trying to control their environment, while seeking the approval of those close to them, including day care providers.
I believe your son is having a lot of trouble with all the changes in his life, as I’m sure you’re aware of. The support network he is use to all of the sudden are gone, and I bet he doesn’t know why. He’s probably afraid that if these important people can leave, will Mommy & Daddy leave too?
Because he is feeling so out of sorts, he is unable to deal with his own feelings and control his behaviors as he once did. Right now, he feels he must control something, which he is trying to do through his poor behavior. He is controlling his environment in the only ways he knows how, saying No and refusing to comply with requests. I believe the hitting is a result of his inability to express his fear any other way.
My suggestion would be to enforce the boundaries, boundaries to children are security blanks which make them feel loved and safe. Next, talk to your child about the changes in his life. Help him understand his feelings, I like to tell parents to give your child the words he doesn’t have.
“I bet you felt really sad when Teacher Amy went away. When I was in school and a teacher went away I was very sad. You’re sure luck though because Teacher Pam is really nice. I think she’s as nice as Teacher Amy. I do want you to know that teachers may enter and leave our lives, but Mommy and Daddy will always be here. Do you know who else will always be here…” and use this as an opportunity to talk about the difference between family & friends.
Your child will need a lot more love in the next few weeks while he works through this change. Give him a lot of hugs, kisses and support. Spend a little more quality time with him, like snuggle time in bed, to reassure him you’re here.
Lastly, when you see inappropriate behavior, take a moment and analyze why he did it before you react. Next, provide alternative behaviors which would appropriately release the energy he needed to release. One example, if your son throws a toy at another child, analyze the situation, did the other child grab the toy first. Redirect your son by saying, “We throw balls outside. Do you want to throw a ball outside?” Offering him a better alternative to his behavior will teach more than a time-out ever will.
I believe you will see changes in your son soon with the limits you currently have in place and a little extra support to him. While we understand life changes like this occur, this is probably the first time he remembers anything like this, and he’s overwhelmed by what he’s feeling.
If you have any questions about my suggestions, please feel free to contact me.
Sincerely-
R.
R. Magby
Parent Coach
Everything Baby, LLC
www.everythignbabyllc.com