Welcome to the tween & teen years. Each kid is different and they respond differently to how we talk to them. My son will frequently say he won't do something and if I argue or try to "discuss" it turns into a never-ending problem. But I've learned that if I tell him ahead of time, warr him that it's coming then he does it without grumbling. I tell him "tomorrow you have to do X after school" and almost always he'll say something like "I don't want to", or "I'm not going to" I used to argue with him at this point but I don't any longer. Then the next morning I remind him he has to do X after school. Then when he gets home I tell him to get it done. Then I back away. He does it. But it took me a long time to figure out this approach. If he's in the middle of a video game and I tell him to do something right now he will, of course, not want to do it. (If it's an emergency he hears it in my voice and will jump to it.) But if I tell him that dinner is in a half hour so don't start anything, or if I tell him when he gets home "before you start anything empty the dishwasher and take out the garbage" then he realizes he's better off doing it now. He also knows I've taken away things he really likes without warning if he's snarky. I control the wifi - and if he doesn't do what he needs to do, or doesn't stop doing something he needs to stop he won't have wifi access which is his life-blood. WArnings only go so far - but action really works.
Also realize that rules without relationship will create rebellion. So if all he hears from you is the bark of instructions, reprimands & demands to follow rules without you being interested in his day, his friends, his activities - then he won't want to do what you want him to do. I will, from time to time, sit and watch my son play video games, I never miss one of his ball games unless I'm physically not able to be there, and I make sure I know his friends. I try to pick him up from school on cold or rainy days, etc.
BUT - we still have bad days. We have times when he gets snarky, fresh and disobedient. And then he loses his priviledges and we try to figure out what's going on. Kids have bad days too. They have days when someone says they're fat, or they're betrayed by a friend, or embarassed in front of the class by a teacher, etc. And then as parents we have to help them get past those days and start fresh tomorrow.
Generally kids will rise to your expectations of them. Just liek when they were little kids and I was potty training them, telling them what we expect helps them know what to do. We tell the kids clearly, and I repeat it from time to time, that we expect that they won't do drugs or have sex. We tell them that they are better than that and they have greater potential than to get caught up in stuff that's going to sideline them and has the potential to ruin them. We also say no alot. We say no to parties if we don't know the host family, we say no to many sleepovers, etc. We make our kids volunteer. All of it helps them gain confidence in themselves and in us as parents & protectors.
My daughter is 16 and my son is 13. We have a long way to go through these teens years until we can say we've all come out unscathed. But I know that by having a close relationship with them and making sure they know we parents are the boss and set the rules seems to give them some sense of security in an insecure world.
Good luck mama. Pray too it helps.
