My ex-husband rarely sees our three kids (16, 11, 8). I am active duty military for 16 years. He enlisted when we divorced and is now active duty and is remarried. Because he lives far away I go out of my way to make sure the kids get to see him as much as possible. He had them the last two Christmases (I was deployed last year). I had them this year but took them to him on the 26th. My son, asked me for an mp3 player for Christmas. I found one made by coby that is a touch screen but no internet access. He LOVED it. Couldn't wait to show it off to his dad. I found out Christmas afternoon that his dad bought him an ipod touch for Christmas. He had told our 16 year old then made her promise not to tell me. When I dropped the kids off with him I told him I was concerned with the ipod, that he is too young and shouldn't have access to the internet and might break it. I told him as a single mom of 3 I don't have time to monitor the ipod use. He said had he known I got the mp3 player he wouldn't have gotten the ipod but when I asked him to hold onto it and give it to him when he was old enough he would not. He gave it to him anyway. So now what do I do? Do I tell the ex to keep the ipod at his house? Do I let my son bring it home and take it away from him when he gets back and let him have it when he goes to dads (he probably won't see his Dad now for a year since he is deploying soon)? Do I just let him have it and not say anything more? Do I let him have it on occasion when I can monitor use? And how do I help my son reconcile that he loved his mp3 player for two days until he was given the ipod? In all of the cases, I am going to be the mean mommy here. I feel like I should stick to my guns, but don't want my son to see me, yet again, as the mean mommy. Help.
Thanks for the advice. I definitely have thought of all of these angles over the past few days and realized from day one that, absolutely I have hurt feelings by the whole thing (mine to deal with). It is also difficult to get the entire picture into one of these chat logs. Let me say that this is the first time ever since the divorce that anyone has ever suggested to me that “I” wasn't considering “Dad's” rights/opinions as a parent. Every person that knows the situation will tell you that I am stupid overboard when it comes to putting myself out to consider his opinions and so they can see him. I could type volumes about all the things I have done to that end. I got him assigned close to the kids (at his request) and then he turned it down for a different job. I bought my home with an extra room so he can stay there to visit the kids when they have to be in school (I leave the home). He chooses not to stay at “my house” and he “can’t afford” to rent a $30 a night room on a nearby military base so he only sees them when they are on breaks. I purchased a plane ticket for him to see them while I was deployed over Christmas last year. I once drove 4 days round trip (on my vacation time) so they could spend 8 hours with him when he graduated from boot camp. That’s just the start. Let me also clear up that this is our 8 year old he purchased this for and I still would not approve of this even if I had NOT gotten our son an mp3 player. I just allowed the 11 year old to purchase her own ipod touch with money she had saved and the 16 yr old has had a touch since she was 13 (I bought her an iphone for Christmas). This is definitely not about my not trusting my kids. It's about deciding for my kids what I believe is appropriate for them (at least while they are at my house, which is about 345 days out of every year). With all due respect to all parents rights to decide what is right for their kids, for me, I am not ok with kids as young as some mentioned having access to these types of devices just because "everyone else is doing it and you can't really control it these days. BTW, this is far from the first time he has told the kids something and specifically told them not to tell me about it (forcing them often into situations where they feel they need to lie to me). I did try discussing gifts with him but he never wanted to talk about it. He won’t talk to me over the phone/skype much. He prefers to text. When I would text about gifts, he just ignored the texts. In his defense I did not make the time to sit down and email him what I had gotten the kids. My lesson learned. At the same time, it is clear to me by his telling our 16 year old not to tell me about it that he already knew I would not be ok with it. He can do what he wants at his house (different house, different rules), but because the children are with me 345+days of the year (by his choice), and what he buys absolutely impacts my house, he shouldn’t be imposing on my rules. The bottom line in this case is that I am the one who has to do all the monitoring and I know that you single Moms out there know what I am talking about when I say my day starts at 0500 and is nonstop until 12:30 in the morning literally every night of the week. I am comfortable knowing that I have considered his opinion for EVERY significant decision when it comes to the kids, while he does not. I think that AV is right when she says parallel parenting and not co-parenting. He has made it clear that he will make his own decisions when he has the kids and is not interested in including me in those decisions (and doesn’t have to, I get that). Jaimee – I have been praying about this non-stop and believe I have settled on AV’s advice. I will let him keep both but the iPod will follow the same rules as the computer. No access without me there and only able to use it for the allowed amount of time each day. I’ll keep it outside of those times.
I think you should let him have it. Maybe I'm wrong, 'cause I'm not tech savvy, but what trouble can they get into with an Ipod touch? You can make it so these devices don't have internet access. It's too expensive anyway.
I totally get what you are saying so please don't take this wrong. You need to communicate gift given more openly with your ex. I had to stay in touch with mine the whole time with "okay you get this and I will get this". My son who is 9 has an Ipod touch and it has to be upgraded on your computer, so you will be able to see what is on the Ipod. My son also has a mp3 player, he uses this for music and the ipod for games and videos.
I wouldn't punish your son for a gift that the Dad gave. You are able to control the amount of time that your son is on the ipod / mp3.
I always have to be the mean momma so I really have to pick my own battles. And I have to look at it as am I mad because the ex was able to out do me once again or I just have an issue with the ex.
And remember you are doing a wonderful job as a single momma of 3 and a huge THANK YOU for your service and time to us all.
Happy New Year's.
Honestly, I would return the MP3 player and let your son use the money to download apps and music to his ipod. He is 16, I know 8 year olds that have ipods and ipad and they do just fine with them. I would let him have the gift. You can not always control what his father gives him, and fact is his father has just as much right to give him gifts as you do. If you take it away your son will be mad at you, not his father.
Your ex isn't undermining you but is entitled to his own opinion. Definitely allow your kid to have the ipod. The beauty of internet access is that it requires wifi and if you don't give the kid your wifi connection password, therefore no internet access while in your home.
Honestly you have to trust your kid and give them some freedoms. Yes they will make mistakes along the way but we learn more from our mistakes verses our triumphs.
If the kid is irresponsible the kid will suffer the consequences for his irresponsibility and again that will teach him another lesson but I really don't see this as a reason to start a war with the ex. Lighten up. Life is an excellent teacher.
Let you kid have both and it will be just fine. Deal with you own feelings about this gift as a separate issue. You know your kid best. So try not to stress.
Well to me this sounds like not so much 'undermining you' and more like a case of simple miscommunication.
Your children have TWO parents, so yeah, your ex DOES have a say in what they can have and can't have.
It's not a competition.
I don't think the child in question will be seriously marred for life by using a device he may be slightly too young for (in YOUR opnion, not his father's, he does have TWO parents).
Of all the huge things you've got going on in your life, THIS is the one you're going to fret about?
I think it's gonna be ok if your son uses his new device. I REALLY do.
:)
I hate to say this but it sounds like you are considering punishing your son for your hurt feelings.
If it makes you feel any better my ex bought each kid an iPod touch. They came over with their big sister dropped off the iPods and snuck out the 3DS I bought them. :p So I have had these shiny, expensive, useless apparently, devices sitting at my house for three days.... Meh, sometimes you just can't buy their love.
Let the poor kid have both devices. You sound like a good mom I would imagine he is a good kid. :)
With all due respect. Is this about a 16 yr old having internet access? Or about control? Or about one upsmanship?
You can't control or quarentine teens. Then what happens at 18 when they hit the big bad world with no training? I believe it's best to give them the tools and knowledge to make good choices and arm them with the understanding that choices have consequences. Give him the acceptable parameters and tell him what the consequences will be for breaching them and stick to it.
I think sometimes it's parallel parenting and not coparenting.
I think that you need to 1. Talk to the kids about keeping such secrets from you and 2. what to do with the ipod. I'm guessing this is the 11 or 8 yr old, right? Because you said "told the 16 yr old".
I think that, mean or not, if you want your kid offline (which I totally understand!), you should look int what you need to do to disable wifi (I'm sure you can do it) and make him give you the ipod at night for charging in your room and lay groundrules with it. Just because xH gave him the item doesn't mean that it doesn't have to abide by your rules in your home. Then if the child breaks the ipod, that's between him and his father, not you. But I agree with not giving a child a web-enabled device just because someone else has one. Your home, your rules.
If you already have internet rules, maybe angle it that way. "Son, you are 11 (or 8). You know that our computer rule is x. This ipod breaks the computer rule. Our options are x, y, z." and go from there.
You can then either choose to keep the MP3 player or the ipod or both. Even with discussions, sometimes people give your kids things you don't want them to have or versions that aren't appropriate. Think about how you would handle it if it came from Grandma or Aunt Sally. I think an honest discussion with your son (without bashing dad) will help all of you.
We got our 11 yr old son an Ipod touch for Christmas this year. A few days before Christmas I opened it and set it up for him. Such as I put age limits for the stuff he can download and watch on there. Yes there is an area where you can set the age limits just like on your direct tv box and computer. I also set up his itunes account to one of our email accounts so I can watch what he does that way. I also then made sure I was the one that loaded his music on there. We set down the same rules as for his computer/internet usage. He has to ask us first if he can download any apps and so on. If I ask to see his ipod he has to hand it over right that second without touching anything so he can't close out anything before I can see it.
So what you decide to do is up to you just know you can set up the ipod so that you can monitor what he does on it or has access too.
My kids had ipods at those ages. We just set the rules up that they could only use the ipods in the living room so we could check up on them while they were in use. If anything was going to be downloaded we had to be asked and we were the ones that downloaded the games or music for them. Ipods get turned into us at night when its bedtime so we know they aren't up late sneaking the ipods. I completely understand where you are coming from, but I don't think it's all that bad as long as you sit down with your kids and go over ground rules and stick to them. And, yes, make sure you check in on what they are doing on the ipods. Good Luck!
I was in the exact same position. I took the ipod from my daughter and did not let her have it. He can buy her whatever he wants, I can't stop that. But I can control what she is allowed to use in my house. I also had to talk to my daughter about keeping secrets from me with her father. I made it clear that as the custodial parent, I set the rules that guide her life and those are the ones that have to be respected and keeping secrets from me or breaking my rules simply because she's with her dad (grandmother, aunt, whoever) is completely unacceptable. I am always the mean mommy. Occupational hazard. Good luck.
First - a big thank you to you and your ex for you service to our country!
Okay, to answer your question. I am a mom who's kids all got KIndle Fire's for Christmas. My 8 year old got an ipod touch for her birthday in June. She also has her own cell phone and laptop.
I trust my kids to do the right thing. When they prove to me they are irresponsible with it, they will be done.
My daughter uses the ipod touch mostly for games (angry birds, fruit ninja, make your own cupcake, etc...) but also never for a long period of time. She dances, plays, reads, etc.
You don't have to monitor him 24-7 unless you don't trust him.
I'd try to communicate more with your ex on plans for gifts...it will save a lot of this kind of feeling.
Good luck!
Wow! Thank you for your service to our country! You really can't go wrong with what you decide. Any one of your suggestions would be OK. I'd keep in mind that you may not be married anymore but you both still co-parent so he does have some say also. If you pray, I'd pray about it and see how God leads. Otherwise, go with your gut. However you strongly feel you should go. If you feel like changing your mind because your EX thinks it's okay for him to have the iPod, then change your mind and just monitor him. But if you're pretty adamant that he shouldn't have it until he's older and shows more maturity and responsibility, then go ahead and keep it put up until later. HTH Good luck to you!
Oh man. This happened to me to. My daughter and I got my son an mp3 player and he was thrilled to death. Guess what his dad got him? You guessed it.
Well, the way I handled it was for him to have the iPod at his dad's house and the mp3 at my house. I think that might be the solution for you as well. I mean, I know he doesn't get to see his father all that often, but if it gets broken, lost, whatever, it can happen at dad's house and you won't be on the hook for it.
My son said that he actually liked the mp3 player we got him better because it did things the iPod didn't do. I can't remember the brand, but it was a lot less expensive and he liked it better for whatever reason.
I have tried communicating with my ex about gifts so we don't double up, but for a very long time it seemed he tried to "one up" me and the iPod year kind of taught him a lesson. If we inadvertantly get the same thing or close to it, one stays at dad's and the other stays at mom's.
In your case, since it might be a year until he sees his dad again, you can let him have it with the rule that you get to monitor it's use and put it away when he's not to be using it.
You don't have to be the "mean" mom, just the responsible one and your son will learn responsibility from you.
My son has a half brother that was going on 19 when my son was born. Several years ago he bought my son a video game that was absolutely not appropriate for him at his age. My son thanked him for the gift, and said he didn't want to sound rude, but he wanted to trade it in for something less violent.
He made that decision all on his own and those are the times you don't have to even be the bad guy because you've taught your kids to make the right decisions.
Maybe the iPod will be a good tool for teaching your son to act responsibly.
Just an opinion.
Best wishes.
Our kids have access to the internet and we have parental controls set up. Your kids are ALL old enough to have Ipods and other things like that. Hubby just doesn't want to argue with you about it so he told the kids to not mention it. I would try and let this go.
We got out 4 and 8 yr. olds tablets for Christmas and they are the last of the kids their age to get them. They don't do much except go to the market and download free game applications. The older kids will go where ever they want on their computers, their friends computers, etc....it is not something anyone can control anymore. Teaching kids to be responsible when they are on the internet is the challenge now.
