Teen Son Is Constantly Trying to Get Out of Going to School!

Please have him screened for anxiety and depression. I did this when I was young and have very bad anxiety. I ended up dropping out of school bc of it.

I would definitely make sure that each time he tries to come up with an excuse to miss school, you are doing your best to be very calm and matter-of-fact about it. Try not to show him that you are upset or stressed about it. If you seem stressed, he make try harder thinking that he can wear you down to the point that you will give in. My 12 year old use to do that. We are still working with him on it, but we are beginning to give him consequences just for asking again after we say no.

I work with college students. Years ago, I worked with a student that was like that. He just kept asking and asking, hoping I would change my mind. At first I would explain why we couldn't do it exactly the way he wanted to but that we could try A or B. He wanted it exactly his way and would go to my boss when I didn't agree. She would say exactly what I said, so he would try me again. He never got us to change, but it was a very exhausting year!

I guess my point is, teach him now to accept no for an answer. Don't make his college professors do it :-)

As far as the food goes, I would let that one go. My MIL told me that her 3 boys used to come home from school starving, eat a ton of food and still have room for dinner. She said she learned to just have lots of food in the house during the high school years! If he's hungry, eat, no problem. He should clean up after himself (yet another thing our boys are working on), but he needs to know that it's ok for him to eat. Over break I had to constantly remind the boys of the bowl of fruit on the table and the raw veggies in the fridge. The truth is, there was too much junk food around, and that's on us. They are usually more than happy to eat the healthy food, but when there's junk food, oh boy!

I checked your prior questions, and clearly you've had a problem with him for months. He's not happy. Whether his depression has flared up again or there's something going on at school (bullying, etc.), I can't say. Just because he doesn't talk about it doesn't mean it's not happening. I'd have a serious talk with his core subject teachers and ask what they are observing in class and in the hallways.

Often, teen meds for many things need to be adjusted, due to growth spurts and hormones. So I think he needs to go in for an evaluation. If he still has a high percentage of "illnesses" and "injuries" (real or imagined), he needs to be called on it.

I agree with the idea of taking the remotes and PS game controllers and so on, but not if it means you're overlooking his emotional condition. His leaving food containers around is pretty typical - unless it means he's overeating because he's high - a point well raised in one of the responses below. If he has reflux, he's making some odd choices for snacks and meals. I think you can change the foods you buys - "Coffee cake singles make you vomit, sweetie, so I'm not buying them." I also think you should not rush out to the store to replace foods it wasn't reasonable for him to eat. You can certainly allocate a certain amount of money per week and perhaps make him responsible for purchasing - but there's no more money until next week. That's not punishment - that's a life skill.

I wouldn't tolerate lying. That's a bad road to go down as you enter the driving years and even more teen temptations of drugs and booze than he faces now. He does have to earn privileges. He's not entitled to WiFi or Play Station or a phone or rides. If you aren't checking his room, his phone or his browser history, you need to. He's been telling you for months that something is wrong - maybe not verbally, but through this pattern of behavioral issues. I think you have to start investigating and acting, not just waiting for him to tell you things or turn himself around. It sounds way too easy in your house for kids to get away with things.

I have several thoughts on this...I have a 14 year old and he hasn't started high school yet, next year, but if he started the school thing I would suspect the following.

First, I would suspect that there is some sort of harassment, shunning, or embarrassing thing he does not want to face everyday at school and admitting it to mom would be horrifying in itself even though we or dad are the best to help them through it. Sudden acne, wrong clothes, bad haircut, etc. A certain girl laughed at him. Kids are pretty shallow and have long memories.

Second, I would suspect late night game sessions after you are in bed. My husband is going to start shutting off our router every night at ten pm and have it come back on at five am. If they need to be up later to study, okay but not game the night away. You might try it even if you aren't tech savvy and have to just unplug it and put the cord in your room every-night and plug it back in every morning. You can take it to work with you if he does manage to stay home.

Third maybe a previous un-diagnosed learning issue that is making school much harder.

There is always the issue of possible drugs use but there might be other signs of that...

The food things seems typical to me. I asked my son about it and either he replaces the cartons out of habit, hides the wrappers thinking I would be mad he was eating so much (I explained he is growing and going to be a constant starving bottomless pit...its normal. We talked about trying to limit the total junk food like packaged cookies and ice cream.) I started buying pasta and cooking it in bulk w/sauce so he could heat a plate and fill up as needed. Taught him how to make pizzas with Naan bread, sauce and cheese/pepperoni and how to wrap hot dogs in crescent rolls and bake them in the afternoon then have food for snacks after school and bedtime snacks with my dinner in-between. Also, I started letting him buy his own junk food like cookies and pockys (sp) once a week with his own money...when those are gone don't hit up the family fun food for more than a serving at a time. I buy one six pack of sodas just for him every week when they are gone...he drinks tea or water.

Once he realized I wouldn't be angry he was always so hungry he got better about hiding wrappers...but I still find empty milk cartons and ice cream. I always buy milk at the store just in case and I am usually right that we needed it. Sometimes he is just plain lazy and sticks the wrappers out of sight...but the first time he found a bug in his room attracted to the food, it helped that, too.

Good luck!!

No my kids don't try to stay home when they are not sick. Why? Because if you stay home because you are sick, then you need to rest. That means no video games or phones and no after school activities. My kids are not willing to give that stuff up for the entire day unless they are actually sick.

That said, my parents allowed my siblings and me to take 2 mental health days a year from school. We were all really involved kids, and if we felt like we needed a day to stay home and do nothing for a day, we could ask for our day off and it was fine. It was great because it allowed us, as kids, to be honest with our parents. And it allowed my parents to check in on us and say "is everything ok?" and we could explain if something was going on, or we could say "Yes, it's fine, I just need a break for a day." My kids aren't in high school yet, but I plan to do the same for them.

As for the food, that's so typical it's a common joke. What kid hasn't put an empty milk jug back into the fridge (ask your parents, I bet you did it too)? I think that's more habit than "on purpose". In my house, that's something I remind kids of, but I don't make a big deal about it. If you are concerned that he's not eating healthy foods, then don't have the unhealthy stuff in the house.

I think you need to strike a balance between enforcing healthy habits, some natural consequence, and perhaps your own role in this issue.

1. The internet should be turned off at night and all gaming controllers and phones and Ipads and tablets and electronic devices should be turned in. Period. You already stated that you purchased some kind of sonic bedshaking alarm system so a phone isn't necessary to wake up (and is a poor excuse anyways - anyone can use an alarm). If he does have to stay home sick (because that does happen) - take it all with you to work.

2. I'm not against taking a kid to the doctor - but in the real world, people try to schedule doctor appointments for before or after school or work. In the future, when he has an ailment, I'd simply let him know that you will call for an appointment that day to be scheduled for either before or after work - whichever will work for you and he should let you know if he still feels an appointment is needed.

3. Stop buying junk food. He can't use that as an excuse if it isn't in the house. Honestly all that type of food does is make a person feel tired and crappy anyways (and it seems like he does) so why bother?

4. Stop setting him up to tell the lie to begin with. Either make a true statement "if you are going to eat all the pasta, please throw the container away" or simply say nothing. This testing for lying doesn't do anyone any good. All it does is engage the negativity.

5. I'd tie consequences to his behaviors, but only ones that are "concrete behaviors." You getting worked up/stressed out before work - well that's your choice. My kids can be as mad as they want about stupid stuff and that really isn't going to affect my day. I wouldn't let it. If he is tardy to school because he missed the bus or whatever because he didn't get up on time, then he needs to lose something (earlier curfew, phone, allowance, whatever). Be clear and have a family meeting: Bobby, if you are tardy, exactly this will happen. Then follow through. While I will hold my kids responsible for bad attitudes and giving lip, I will not hold them responsible for how I deal with it. I'd not punish a kid because he "made me stressed out." Whatever you decide in this arena, be consistent and firm, but DO NOT ENGAGE.

Good luck - you really need to get this under control now. You think it is tough when they are 14? Wait two years . . .

Time for him to start earning his perks.
For his best effort on grades and chores done (with no nagging about them) he constantly earns his screen/fun time.
If he earns none - he gets none.
He needs to do his own laundry (our son started doing his own at 12 yrs old) and help with other chores - no getting allowance for this stuff - helping is just what everyone who lives under your roof does - or it should be.

The quickest way to fun is to get the work done.
So after chores and homework are done is when he gets a set amount of time with his game system.
Any pranks about skipping school and he loses his system for a week.
If he tries it again he loses his system for increasingly longer periods of time.
At 14 he's getting pretty old to be pulling the stuff he's pulling about staying home from school - this sort of thing went by the wayside by 2nd grade.
He's a high school freshman and I know they can still be on the childish side at that age but he's running a bit late with his maturing process.
He'll be 18 in 4 short years and he needs to be thinking about what he wants to do for a living because staying home and playing games is not an option - and he needs to know this.
If college is not in his future then he needs to think about trade schools or joining the military - a drill sergeant at a boot camp might be a very good experience for him.

It seems he has very low degree of motivation for school and his future, so he needs some help and more responsibility in that.
He need to understand how much important is to have a balanced healthy life, he should be the first wishing that and you should just let, control and push that as much as you can.
First set boundaries that help him: teens still need 9 - 10 hours of sleep so set right bedtime, look online for effects of sleep deprivation for teens, they are devastating; the same for healthy diet, it's important not only having enough food but healthy too, no junk food but a lot of veggies and fruits; put parental control on all the electronics and set time limit (1hour a day is the recommended maximum to avoid the terrible effects of screen addiction), block the phone during homework, one hour before bedtime, meals and at night. Parental control on his phone would be usefull also to check if there's some bullying problem at school and eventually to track gps position (for school, friend's house,...).
Then set consequences for his misbehaviours (lying is one of the biggest, not tolerated here) and stick with them. He needs discipline that in addiction to rules, limits and consequences, is teaching, understanding, closeness, explanations, support and endless love, show him that as much as you can.

Not about not going to school - no.

The eating and hiding it ... I've had the odd wrapper, and sometimes if they take the last something if they're rushing out door, they just leave box in cupboard rather than take out of cupboard .. but it's not because they ate all of it.

I hate to suggest this - but my friend has step son going through what you seem to be going through. In her case (may not be same thing), her son has 'munchies' and is eating because is high. So would eat whole thing of ice cream and leave container. Or she'll find a whole thing of cookies (the package) in his room, eaten. That sort of thing. Otherwise, why is he hiding it?

It is this age (14ish) when they are starting now. It's very, very common - extremely so, and they are buying it at school, at lunch, after school --- it is far more common than we realize. It is the norm. They are often selling their own medications to buy others. Kids are buying meds for ADHD off kids - it's ridiculous.

As for being excessively tired, kids are playing their games all night. I know parents who turn off the internet at night and take all devices. That too is extremely common.

I read back through some of your questions. Kids can fake being 'ok' - I have a kid who struggles with being stressed at times. He'll say he's ok but he hasn't always been. Kids just want to appear fine as teens. Your son may still be depressed. Even if it's not clinical depression, he certainly doesn't have it easy without a strong male role model in his life. That's not to say all teen boys do and that they necessarily NEED to - so long as they feel loved, appreciated and accepted. You say though that he doesn't have a lot of interests or activities. That can be hard.

I still think he would benefit from getting a part time job soon - can he at 15? Mine did. They really benefited - gave them structure, routine, kept them out of trouble and they made friends. It also exposed them to older kids and role models - talked to kids who were in college, etc.

Yes, some degree of this is totally 'typical' and you're not the only parent going through this by any means. Just keep firm with the boundaries - that's what they (teens) crave and the more they rebel against them, the more they actually want them. They want parents to show interest. Mine do - even when they push you away :)

Well, one way to deal with such a lack of responsibility, and telling lies to avoid responsibilities, is to call their bluff. Tell him he can stay home from school since he doesn't feel well.

However, in advance, and without his knowledge, you disable the WiFi or password-protect it, and you remove the remote for the tv, and you take the controller for his game system. Put them in your car and take them to work. Tell him "I'm so sorry you're not feeling well. Seems like you need a day of rest to get better." Make sure the tv channel you leave the tv on is the most boring channel ever.

And then, if he leaves the house to go to a friend's house or go walking around, report his absence to the school as an unexcused absence, as a truancy.

And you calmly CALMLY tell him that now that he's in high school, and approaching age 15, and soon to be 16, his approach to handling responsibility, and his trustworthiness, are being evaluated on a regular basis. After all, that's a fact of adult life. Employers, for example, whether they're fast food joints or Wall Street firms, don't ever say things like "well, it's Tuesday, how has Employee X done today? Pretty good? Ok, we'll promote him and give him a raise". No, they say "Employee X, your performance over the last six months or last year has been really positive. We've noticed how you interact, how you're always prompt, etc etc, and we want to recognize that with a promotion (or a raise, or whatever)." And college applications don't ask how your week has been when deciding whether to admit you. They look over your high school performance, your community spirit, etc, for an extended period of time. So it's logical to tell your teen that now that he's in high school, he can look forward to getting a learner's permit and driver's license, and a job. He can look forward to class trips, being on a sports team or attending football games, and more independence. But that rests on his being truthful, and handling responsibilities, like a mature young man. Tell him it's up to him. Tell him that the time for hiding the snacks ended when he was 3. (And stop buying ice cream and coffee cakes - fill your fridge with broccoli and rice cakes).

Make the consequences of his actions fit the punishment. A teen who lies about eating spaghetti? No way will they be trusted with a car. No way can they be trusted with a smartphone, or using the home WiFi. And the whole independence thing (driving, working, earning money) starts now. Tell him that he'll need a complete year of proving himself before you will even consider letting him get his permit. And if he says he doesn't need your permission to get a permit (which might be true), just remind him that he DOES need your authorization to drive the car, to be insured, unless he gets his license and buys his own car and his own insurance, which of course would require showing up to work on time, every single day.

If he straightens up, and stops lying, give him appropriate praise. "Thanks for leaving the kitchen neat last night." He doesn't earn praise or rewards for just doing what he is legally supposed to, like attend school. The rewards for that will come in the future when he wants that learner's permit. But if he makes an effort around the house, just thank him. Let him know you noticed.

Talk to him about things like WiFi, cell phone bills, car insurance, and how much they cost (without complaining). Make sure he's informed. And remind him that those privileges only come with handling responsibility (paying the bills on time). You go to work on time, you get paid, you buy cell service and internet, it's just a fact of life. Help him comprehend that, and calmly remove privileges that he is receiving without any effort on his part. Hiding food, skipping school, and lying equal no WiFi, no ice cream, no extra perks. It's how the world works.

There is always a reason for behavior. You are interpreting the reasons for his behaviors as being because he is trying to get away with not going to school, which may be true, but aren’t you at least a little bit curious why that is? Words you use like “try to get out of”, and “antics” implies that your perspective is that his reasons, whatever they are, are not valid. If you are really interested in helping him to be successful in school and in life, (and of course you are), then I would set aside this perspective and try imagining his perspective.

There might be more going on at school than you know, so I would definitely check in with his teachers, letting him know you are doing this so that you can better understand what is going on at school and why he seems to want to stay home so regularly. Counseling is also always a good idea when faced with a high level of stress in your relationship. He also may be experiencing anxiety or depression, worth exploring.

As for these recent incidents you’re describing, of course this is stressful for you, and not a great way to start your day, but imagine, for a minute, what it feels like to be him. Let’s imagine that you vomited this morning and still had to go to work. How would you know if it was due to something you ate or if you were really ill? I can’t always tell, why are you sure? Maybe you’re right, but I think you might have gotten farther with him if you showed a little concern, like, “sweetheart, I’m so sorry you were sick. Do you think it was something you ate, or do you think you’re coming down with something?” You could still set the expectation that he go to school, if you think he is well enough, but you could ask him to meet you halfway, “I think it was probably your acid reflux, so I’d like you to go to school and hopefully you’ll feel better soon. If you still feel sick in two hours or so, why don’t you go to the nurse and have them call me.” Chances are, he will feel OK once he gets there, but giving him this out demonstrates that you do take him seriously.

I’d also encourage you to imagine how you would feel as a teenage boy, with an amazing capacity for food consumption (I raised three boys), and people were angry with you when you ate an amazing amount of food. Why would you assume that he left an empty pasta container in the fridge on purpose? What would the purpose of that be? I would probably assume he left it there because he was trying to avoid an angry response from you. Maybe he was too lazy to throw it away or forgot. Whatever happened, I’m not saying I would encourage that behavior, but I would try to understand them from his perspective and then you can challenge him to consider a way to avoid that in the future. For example, you see the empty carton, you ask him, “hey sweetie, did you forget to throw this away?” You listen to what he says, and then you let him know your expectation, “I’d really appreciate it if you could try to remember to throw empty cartons away instead of leaving them in the fridge. What do you think would help you to remember?” Try to engage him in a conversation where you set the expectation, but he contributes to the plan.

Remember, behaviors always have a reason. Ask yourself, what is he communicating to you?

My son just turned 15. Partly it’s the age, and hormones, etc.. The rest could be behavioral issues, social concerns, body concerns, medical, etc.. My son often will gripe about having to go to school. Most often on Mondays, and if he will be having a particularly hard week. However, if he shows more of an intense issue with attending school we often have a sit down conversation.

My son suffers from migraines. He will often worry before going to school or to an outing with his scout troop or other social activities and that he will end up having one. One the second day of High school during a pep rally, he experienced a Migraine and had to get up off the bleacher and head to the nurses station. He was totally embarrassed. For this reason alone he often worries and stresses about school.

Fortunately, during an eye exam his doctor recommended special lenses he can wear indoors that will help with light sensitivities and to wear during a migraine attack. Now he feels he has a bit more control at school with the glasses, and has been less stressed.

My advice is to ask your son if he has any reasons or concerns. If he can’t identify any, and this behavior continues it might be helpful to talk with his doctor . He may have some anxieties or depression that need to be addressed.

Another thing to do would be to email his teacher or guidance counselor. If you don’t have frequent access to his grades our how he’s doing with homework and course work, it may be an indicator that he is struggling..

While teens can be teens with their reluctance, and attempts to stay home from school, often times than not their validity to it.

Seen a little of this with both my of teems at various times. It is very frustrating!

I like having kids take the natural consequences at school for unexcused absences. If they're not really sick, I don't do ANY calling in or writing notes, that's for sure! But how helpful letting natural consequences take their course depends A LOT on the particular school, and how they react to unexcused absences. My younger daughter's current school is terrible with that. Big school, and they simply don't have time to care. They expect parents to deal, and spend no time enforcing any kind of truancy reporting or attendance consequences. Absences sit forever in their system marked as "unknown" reason. They only spend the effort on the kids who are self-motivated to succeed and those who are major troublemakers. Those who are not big behavior problems but who struggle quietly fall through the cracks. On other hand, my other daughter had attended some smaller charter schools and they did notice and report absences, which was good and logical, and it did keep her in line. When she wasn't attending, it was certainly more noticeable, and school staff would be on the kids about it. Also, one of my kid's middle schools did a great job with sitting the kids down and making it very clear and real things were how they could get into a truancy situation if they were going to just blow off and skip days or skip classes.

It doesn't happen much anymore, but the occasional time my younger daughter tries this, I will stay home to make sure she is just home as well. No internet, except for school iPad to do homework. I temporarily disable her phone service and wifi. No going out with friends or having friends over after school dismissal or in the evening if she doesn't go to school that day. For her, she's also punishing herself at the same time because she can only stand being out of contact with her friends for a very short period of time and it becomes not worth it for her to avoid school, get bored and miss everyone and everything else.

If I feel like there is an over-exaggerated medical complaint, I will offer to take them to the doctor, or they can go to school. Most of the time they choose school. The option they really wanted was to stay home in bed and just be excused sick, which I did not allow.

I have been a stay at home mom and have done contract work off and on over the years, so this works great when I am available to be home, but it gets to be harder on ME when I have to choose between being a responsible employee and keeping an eye on potential teenage rebelliousness.

We have experienced this with our son and after much time and therapy learned that it has a clinical name (school refusal), usually has a reason (depression in my son’s case and common for many kids as well as anxiety, bullying, etc), and there are many more kids and specialized therapy programs for this mental health issue. I was shocked to learn how many kids this impacts. Our son did not “seem” depressed and he didn’t think he was either. He wanted to go to school but couldn’t get himself to go, and when he did, he would have migraines or stomach problems. It’s possible some of the strategies others mentioned (limiting electronics, good sleep, consequences, etc) will help but please consider getting your son assessed by a qualified therapist / Program for school refusal, depression, anxiety. He might open up to a therapist or in a good program. Good luck! I know how challenging this situation can be.