Mr Attitude

Stop the labeling. He sounds normal. Try to remember that he's not 30 years old. He's 18 months old. He doesn't know how to communicate effectively and will never learn unless you teach him.

I recommend getting some books on child development so you can be informed as to the different stages kids go through and how to handle them.

Good luck.

I feel a huge wrench in my heart when a baby or young child is labeled in negative ways, because they really have almost no choice about their spontaneous reactions. It's ideally the parents' job to gradually teach a child what his emotional alternatives are, and that takes years for them to master.

In fact, adults can't prevent feelings from happening either, as when you were so mad when he pinched you. Fortunately, because you have more adult control, you didn't have a meltdown or hurt him back, but you still felt the feelings, yes? And your anger helped to determine your reaction to him. The feelings are just there, for babies through adults. It's what we have learned to do with them that makes the difference.

Babies and toddlers want their way, just as adults want their way. At 1.5, your S. is realizing he's not simply an extension of you, and is developing clear desires of his own. This is a good thing; it's a normal stage, and it would be worrisome if he didn't care about anything. It's his job right now to grasp everything within view and interact with it. Being denied intriguing objects is going to bring a strong, frustrated response.

But there are creative ways to guide those responses, and it's often possible to prevent the situations in the first place. That's up to our adult ingenuity. Fortunately, there are people who have lots of expertise we can learn from.

Some of the best techniques to use with littles is to keep tempting no-no's out of sight and out of mind; to have a plan for those times when they child desperately wants something that he can't have anyway; to give advance notice when you'll need him to stop doing something he wants and move on to another activity; to redirect his attention (this usually works well, because so many things are interesting to him at this age); to restrain his hands calmly and use a positive phrase like "Gentle, please," if he tries to strike, pinch or grab; and most of all, empathize sincerely with what he wants. This last point alone will help transform his experience of the world from an unfair place of frustration and denial to one of feeling cared for and understood.

I hope you'll get Dr. Harvey Karp's book, The Happiest Toddler on the Block, to learn positive, creative ways to interact with your little boy. You'll be able to keep your household so much calmer and happier. "Yes" is a much more powerful and positive word to a little than "no," which kids quickly learn to ignore. Here's a lovely video of Dr. Karp demonstrating how he connects with whining, tantruming toddlers and convinces them it's worthwhile being on his team: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ1428uYs2g&NR=1&a.... .

Good luck. These can be years you remember with fondness, and be proud of what a pair you two are.

Sounds frustrating! I have a S. like that. What really helped me was to stop thinking about him like I would think about another adult. In other words he's not rational in the sense that you and I are.

Your one year old can't do a lot of the things we do. Some things are easy to understand - he doesn't talk well, he doesn't ride a bike, he doesn't write his name, he can't add 2+2. All these things are easy to say "yep he's one and he will get there".

What's hard for many people is to apply the same thinking to his attitudes and manners. Even though they are "invisible" (you can't see a thought), they are as rough as his physical abilities.

The best thing you can do is to focus on teaching him how to understand his world and how to interact well in it. It will take YEARS until he's able to be as self-controlled as an adult. Learning how to teach him and how to do things on his level will save your sanity and also help your family be closer because it will avoid many many many battles.

Happiest Baby/Toddler on the Block are good. Another great one is "The Science of Parenting" - this was written by brain researchers who did scans to see what helps a baby grow into the most balanced adults. Giving your little one a great life is probably the best gift any parent can give.

Again I'm sorry you have a spirited S.. I know from experience that sometimes they are tough tough little cookies and will aggravate you no end. However, mold that little personality by teaching them and he will be so insightful and creative. In doing this, you will grow and learn as much as he does. It's a great thing and I am doing it right along with you.

Update for Julie L's answer:
I am experienced and well read. I think we read different books so have different styles. You can train a child by punishment and can train a child by teaching. Both can be firm and have strict boundaries. I choose to show kindness and compassion and hope my children will make the same choices when they are grown. I treat grownups with kindness and have learned that I can treat children likewise.

Many toddlers behave this way. Please stop thinking of him as mr attitude. By giving him a label you're encouraging the behavior the label describes.

Try some skills that will help to prevent the need to get angry. Try diverting his attention. Instead of continuing to tell him no when he sees something he wants, give him something else to think about. For example, he saw the stickers while looking at his scrap book. Put the book up and play a game. Actually, don't put the stickers in his scrap book, in the first place. Prevention is easier than dealing with it at the time.

When you see him reach for you in anger, step aside. Again prevent him from hurting you. Then take hold of his hands and say something like, "hands are not for hurting," or 'don't hurt Mommy" or anything that is kind but teaching him that what he is doing is inappropriate. Do this before you get angry.

When you get angry with him and put him in his bed in anger you are modeling for him that it's OK to get angry and hurt the person you are angry at. In the case of bottle and bed you are also teaching him that anger, bed, and bottle go together. If you consistently do this he may not want to go to bed and he may decide that eating is a way to soothe his own anger.

Have you tried time outs? You mentioned using time outs only a couple of times. Be consistent with time outs. If you choose time outs as your main way to discipline put him in a time out every time you want to discipline him. Do so calmly as well as consistently. You take action before you get upset.

Do you give him choices? In the case of the stickers you could say, you can play with the stickers only if you do not put them in your mouth. Tell him you'll put the stickers up if he's going to keep putting them in his mouth. Calmly take them out of his mouth and give him the opportunity to continue playing with them.

I do wonder if, at 18 months, keeping stickers out of his mouth his mouth is reasonable. I would expect him to explore stickers by putting them in his mouth. This is an oral age where everything goes in the mouth. If you don't want the stickers in the mouth then you'll need to stay with him so that you can keep them out. I do wonder why you don't want him to put them in his mouth. He's just testing the world of stickers by tasting and feeling their texture.

Take the scrap book away before he reaches the whining stage. If he doesn't accept the first no then change the scene. At 18 months and on into grade school his brain isn't mature enough to stop wanting what is in front of him. You control his environment. When you know something makes him angry, avoid that something.

My favorite parenting books are the Love and Logic series by Foster Cline and . The have one entitled Parenting toddlers with Love and Logic. I also like a book by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish entitled How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. Both books contain many examples of behavior and how to manage them in a manner that shows respect for the child and teaches the child respect for the parent.

As Liz W. said, consistency is necessary for teaching our babies and children how to behave. I'd add a calm and respectful demeanor to that as being of equal importance. We teach our children how to manage their emotions by showing them how to manage them This includes managing our own anger. Intervene in each situation before you get mad.

Your S. sounds normal. He doesn't know how to behave. Parenting is teaching them social skills. At 18 months he's just begun to be a part of the world. He's had no experience in knowing what to do when he doesn't get what he wants. One way to help him is to set up situations so that you can teach him how to get what he wants and how to act when he doesn't. You can help both of you by giving him choices between 2 things that are acceptable to you. That way both of you get what you want.

This will take practice for you too. You're new at parenting. Be kind to yourself and your S. as the two of you learn together.

Response to Julie I was a child development major worked in the Child Care industry for many years. and have a 20 year old daughter..
Yes, some children become physical because they cannot communicate in a way that their parents can understand. Their parents have not learned ways to figure out their child. The parents just need to learn that if their child has to be physical to make their parents pay attention or recognize they are frustrated it is a reaction instead of a taught action of correct behavior..
The parent has set the child up to fail in their behavior. He never had a chance to learn he has options.

"Mr. Attitude", "Bad Temper" "He's a meaine?"
~~~~~He is 1 years old!~~~~~~~~

PLEASE I beg you .. Go to the library or a book store and purchase a parenting book!
Do it first thing this morning. Do not allow your S. to be called these names because YOU do not understand he is being a typical toddler.

Toddlers do not have the verbal skills to tell you what they want, need and feel.
It is YOUR job to teach them. When he becomes frustrated, let him know.. "you seem frustrated." Then help HIM find another activity. You cannot argue with a 1 year old.

If you did not want him to stick stickers on his body Why on earth would you even allow him to have stickers?

When he found the stickers, that you had not really put away.. should have been thrown away or placed in a drawer.. How about giving him 2 and while he dealt with those 2, you throw the rest away while he was diverted?

Why would he pinch you? Because he could not say, "I want those stickers and you did not even give me one! Instead you are always just saying No to me and expecting me to be 4 instead of i sand a half years old." .

First couple of answers I read were good ones. You asked what I would do, so I'll answer specifically to what you wrote and how I envision what happened (which may or may not be the case):
If I gave my S. stickers and he did something I didn't want him to do with them (i.e., put them in his mouth), I would say in a firm but not angry voice, "Stickers aren't for putting in your mouth, you can stick them here or here or here. If you put them in your mouth again, I will take them away." Then I would follow-through with what I told him.

When looking through his scrapbook again, depending on how long it had been since I took the stickers away, I may have let him play with them. If he asked for them, I would want him to say "please" for them and then I would say, "I'll give you 2 to play with, which ones do you want?" As I give them to him, I would say, "Where should we put these stickers? Where do stickers go?" and let him show me that he understood where the proper place is. It is very likely at this point given his age, he would look me right in the eye and start to put them in his mouth (testing his boundaries). At this point, I would say, "No, remember stickers don't go in your mouth. If you put them in your mouth again, I will take them away and you will get a timeout. Do you want a timeout? They go here or here. Which spot should we put them?" If he tried again to put in his mouth, I would follow-through with what I said I would do.

If any of this resulted in my S. pinching or hitting me, he would be sternly told that hitting/pinching/hurting is unacceptable. I would grab his hand and make him look me in the eyes (which can take awhile) and say, "Oh no, absolutely not, hitting/pinching is unacceptable. We do not hit or pinch. It's time for a timeout. I know you're upset because I took away your stickers and it's okay to be upset, but you weren't listening to me, so I had to take them away." I would then follow-through with the timeout, the apology, etc.

Our timeouts are in a 'general' location in the house (not his bed because we didn't want to associate his bed with bad behavior) where we can see him and he can see us going about our business without being upset. This also allows for us to utilize 'general' areas when we're out of the house. Any kind of chair, bench, etc. especially if it's near a corner works well. When our S. really acts up or tried to act up while in timeout, we tell him he has to face the corner (just like being put in the corner when we were kids) and I stand behind him to make sure he knows I mean it. I've only had to do this once.

Firm, but loving without anger, consistency and follow-through. It's a long road through the 2's and 3's, but you'll make it through;)

Best,
S.

He sounds like a normal toddler to me. Time outs will start to work around this age...distraction with other more productive activity is good, verbally telling him (in simple word) that what he's doing is sad and "hurts mommy".

Also, I would be careful how you react. Our kids learn so much from how we model behaviour. If you get "so mad"...seems like they are likely too as well.

Good luck.
-M

Did you say one and a half? Sounds very normal to me. If he were ten and a half or twenty and a half you might have a problem.

this will sound odd..but i hug it out with my S....when he gets mad i hug him and then we handle whats going on...now he's 4 and he has turned into such a love bug..and i get a lot of praises from his teachers about how well behaved he is..he was a wild man and now from disciplining with love instead of punishing and going head to head he has turned into a sweet child..
when i get upset he hugs me ..and tells me to talk about it with him..now we do this new thing also..we have a chart..
1.blue is excellent behavior
2. green is good
3. yellow is entering bad
4. red is bad
5 black is in trouble
you take a clothes pin and write your child's name on it and then u put it in the color area that represents their behavior..but your S. is a bit young for this..but now when we're out and about and my S. starts acting up i just say.."you're in the yellow zone" and he says.."i don't want to be in the yellow i want to be blue" and he behaves himself..

try hugging it out..and telling him that you love him and lets work this out..it really does calm them down and you get better results..then going head to head.

xo

D.

The Supernanny book really helped me. Also watching the shows. If you use her methods of disipline to a T you will see a big difference. Consistency is key. Remember, you are the Mom. Good Luck.

Time out...I have a two 1/2 year old foster S. that used to ball up his fist and sock me or his brother or sister when he didn't get his way. I have given him a consistant dose of timeout when he has violated the set rules and his attitude has turned completely around since I got him. It is also important not to react as this is what he is trying to get you to do.

Sounds like he IS getting a temper!! Does he go to daycare? They can really pick up horrible habits from other kids. Or is he around someone with a bad temper? I tell you that the BEST book for that age is TO TRAIN UP A CHILD from Michael Pearle. I read it and it changed things for my family. This is not out of the ordinary. You need to realize he's getting to that age of pushing you and seeing how far he can get away with everything. If you don't get it taken care of now chances are he will just get worse and worse. I strongly suggest not just putting him to bed unless he needs a nap if he's crying while he's in there. His body will produce cortisol, the stress hormone, which can cause major problems for him. Also it doesn't give him a real chance to deal with being told no. Just like if he get's a hold of your key and you tell him no and put them up where he can't reach them. He doesn't get to really learn the word no. He needs to be told no and have the chance to learn self control to not touch them again when they're right infront of him. Read also RAISING BOYS by Dr. James Dobson. I can surely sympathize with you, my S. is 6 and my daughter is 3. I've been through that. I have to commend you for sticking to you guns and not giving in. That's one of the worst things you can do is say no and then give in. I saw a mom at the dentist with a child about that age screaming, not because he had dental work done. But because his older brother got a toy and he didn't. His mother kept telling him to hush so she could talk to the receptionist, but he wouldn't. As soon as she said O.K. I'LL GO TO THE STORE AND BUY YOU A TOY IF YOU STOP FUSSING he immediatly STOPPED fussing. That proves 2 things. 1. If you give in when they fuss, you are training them to fuss to get what they want. And 2. a child, even a small child, DOES have the ability to stop fussing when told to do so, he just chooses not to most of the time. Usually because #1 is not followed. But again, read the first book I told you about. After reading it I can't tell you just how bright the room got with all the light bulbs going off. Best of luck!!!

As an experienced mother of 27 years, you need to teach him to be gentle, nothing personal against Liz or Laurie, but it sounds like they have not been parenting very long. Discipline starts with the behavior issues start, not letting things go because they are only one or they are only two, pinching you is not normal behavior, my 3 never pinched me or did anything physical towards me out of anger, and in 13 years of running a home daycare i have only had one child do physical things out of anger, she's 19 months now and it was nipped in the bud from the get go, she still gouges her moms face, she grabs her glasses off her moms face. When you tell your S. no about something, and he acts out then you need to discipline him. 1 1/2 are a little young for stickers, they end up stuck on other things or in their mouths. Don't call him a meanie, he is only doing what you allow him to do.
One more piece of advice, and it's only advice, 1 1/2 is to old for a bottle, by 6 months most baby's can use a sippy cup, mine all did, and all my daycare kids parents had them on cups by 6 months. J.

That does sound a bit over the top to normal toddler behavior. Be consistent, be stern and don't allow him to think his behavior is acceptable. Decide on a punishment and stick to it, and always use the same one. Children usually learn very quickly if you show them the limits you've set.

I would NOT read "To Train Up a Child" for starters.
He's not a meanie...he's 18 mos. old.
You should have closed the book after the first time you told him "no".

BE CONSISTENT!! It makes a huge difference. Set boundaries and consequences for his actions. Make sure all family members as well as caregivers follow your regimen. It will be miserable at first. Stick to a specific time out or discipline for his actions.But just remember when you get discouraged..... "Amateurs built the ark, yet Professionals built the Titanic!"