S.,
At first I thought I didn't know what to say.. but wasn't true.
From about age 2 we started with "first time obedience"
See I have a now 5 yr old and a 19 yr old. I was trying to avoid some of the 'mistakes' I might have made with my oldest.
So that is how "first time obedience" came about.
I also took a parenting bible class on "Shepherding Your Childs Heart" and that helped although to be perfectly honest, when I first read the book, I thought NO WAY! But after the class it was almost if it all clicked and a light was turned on.
We also learned that when I call the child's name, for example,
"Cambria" she should say "YES, Mommy coming" I know it sounds crazy but it works.. how you teach it is that you say it and teach her to parrot talk after you. If you teach and be consistant, it DOES and WILL work. The kids techniqually stop what they are doing and come to you when called. Now I will tell you as my DD has gotten older as she is now 5 1/2, I will accept her telling on occasion,Yes Mommy, just one minute please. This way I too am showing her respect by honoring something she is doing.
I also would implement the Yes, Ma'am, NO Sir policy, it makes them learn respect, not only to you but to other adults.
We also have told her as our faith is an important part of our family. God made the rule Obey your parents, the first time, not when you feel like it, or when it sounds good, or when you decide to etc.
I really hope you and your DH can get on the same page. If you don't your little girl will sense that and take advantage of the both of you.
If my DD is acting up and I am tired of talking to her, I just tell her she has 10 min in her room, if she puts up a fuss, or back talks she gets 10 more. What started out as a simple 10 min consequence can quickly become 1/2 hour= 30 minutes.
If is important to let her know that back talking is showing disrespect and it hurts your feelings. I definitely would reinforce "I LOVE YOU" although I don't like your behavior.
Never attach misbehavior=love for the child. I think your DH has it all wrong.
The need and reassurance of love from the parent NO MATTER WHAT! is crucial to the emotional development of the child.
I noticed you stated if I am correct about your DD wanting you to look at her, maybe that is when you are talking to her. Try it, make sure she is looking at you when she speaks and do the same back. It might just be what she is trying to convey.
Remember too S., it is only for a season, this too shall pass, but if you and DH don't get it under control NOW it will get much worse as she gets older.
I too don't use the word punishment, I use the word consequence as everything in life has conseequences depending on your decisions. I do tell my DD that she should be a good listner, so put her listening ears on as well as Make good decisions. :)
It gives them some 'power' to learn from their own mistakes, just like we do.
.
If I may suggest, turn off the TV, if you must have something in the back ground put some music on.
TV really influences behavior, we have had to BAN CALLIOU, and the DRAGON TALES.... WHY??? YOU wonder.....
Calliou, WHINES... literally, listen to him. I wondered where my DD was getting it from... she is with me 90% or more of the time. Sure enough we had it on when I was doing her hair and there is was in front of me. Dragon Tales... the 2 headed dragaon, Zak and Wheezy... she was annoying and when DD started to imitate her that about did it. :)
Do whatever is best for you and your family S..
Something WILL work, but then that too will wear off and you will have to find something new that means something.. this is part of parenting. I remember all to well with my oldest something would work for awhile and then I was looking for something else. :)
There is a book that I would suggest you check into and see if it will work for your family.
***Parenting is Heart Work***
Parenting Solutions To Reach The Heart of Kids
http://www.biblicalparenting.org/heartwork/experts.asp
Parents
"This is a wonderful resource for me as a parent. I was particularly impressed with the section on connecting with your child emotionally and helping children develop in emotionally healthy ways."
—Robin Downs, mother of three active and fun-loving kids
"I finished the book and am delighted by your insight, thank you!"
—Calvin Juelfs, Hampton, MN
"Parenting is Heart Work is not only for parents but for everyone. I'm a parent of a 2 1/2 year old. This has helped with communication issues not only between my daughter and me but between my wife and me as well. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"
—Jeffrey Vaughan, Jr
Here is a site you might find useful.
http://www.allaboutparenting.org/biblical-parenting-faq.htm
I also personally receive some Parenting Tips.
http://www.biblicalparenting.org/ParentTips.asp
They are Christian but most of the stuff is great support and encouragement to me as a parent. They hopefully will be the same for you and your family.