Mother Inlaw One Upping Anything I Try to Talk About

Maybe she wants to show you that you have something in common? Maybe she feels you don't like her and she's trying to "prove" her worth to you? Maybe she is trying to be compassionate.... so she was talking about someone close to her that died so you would know she shared some of those experiences.

My mom and stepmom are both like this. Self centered. It is very trying to be around either of them for very long. I just keep silently telling myself, one day they will be gone and I will miss something about them. The sad thing is they have no close friends bc no one can stand them for too long.

I would do just as you want - short answers and nothing to invite her to start telling her "story." I feel for you. It is frustrating. Makes you think she doesn't even care about you or what's going on with you. I don't think that's the case; I think she just likes herself more.

If she's old enough to be your MIL, then guess what? She's not going to change.

Your choice is:

A. Accept that this is the way she is, bring up neutral topics of conversation (having to do with neither you nor her), and just move on with your life.

or

B. Get silently upset and angry because she's not someone she's not, and devote a whole lot of time and energy to a miserable drama that will go nowhere.

Your call.

And, I just have to say, the out-of-nowhere reference to children by race, the assumption that "little black boys" as a group somehow hug you on the basis of their ethnicity ... is ... strange.

N.:

Welcome to mamapedia!!

I don't see it as "one upping" you. I see it as her trying to communicate with you and share her life with you....showing you that you are not alone in your experience(s) and you have stuff in common.

In my opinion, if she were one-upping you? She would be telling you that TWO of her family members had died (sorry for your loss, by the way. Everyone mourns in a different way.

I do NOT like that she interrupts you. That is not cool.

Your behavior is almost passive-aggressive in my book....and the threat of "shut down" is childish as well as the short, non-answers. How about communicating with her and telling her how you feel? It might open up more communication as she might not be aware that she is offending you.

Good luck

maybe she thinks by sharing similar experiences with you it can help you guys bond, help you see you have a lot in common, and show you you are not alone in your struggles. I think when we decide we are not going to like someone we then see everything they do as bad rather then trying to see how they may be actually trying to connect with us on some level. If you were mourning and your own mother shared a story of a loss she suffered would you consider her a narcissist or would you simply think she was trying to share a story of her pain to help you see that you do not have to suffer alone? We should always treat our mils the same we would our own mothers, they are after all the mothers of the men we love.

Oh, I feel ya!! My MIL is also a narcissist. Her mother passed away a few weeks ago--when we called to tell her she said, "Oh, I was hoping it would be in the spring so it would be warmer." (My MIL hates the winter, so she moved from the Chicago area to California 5 years ago). How rude that her mother's death didn't fit her weather preferences!

When my oldest lost his first tooth he called my in-laws to tell them about it. He was so excited to tell them, but my MIL immediately takes over from him and says, "Oh, I lost one too. It hurts so bad. Did you know Nana lost a tooth? The dentist told me he had to pull it out. He only wants to get the money...." you get the picture...

Some people are like that--they simply cannot help themselves. They don't stop to think that they are not being good communicators. They simply look at a conversation as a way for THEM to get their information across. Very little reciprocity involved, and they only listen long enough to have something to respond to. I try not to take it personally, because I have seen/heard her do this with EVERYONE for the past 11 years and I know it is her problem, not mine. My husband and I joke about it, which helps us put up with it.

This is how she is. You can't change it. Giving it a diagnosis won't help. But I'll try to explain what I've learned in reading and seen in this behavior and suggest a way that you may be able to make the conversations more acceptable to you.

Yes, she may be narcissitic. If so, she definitely will not change. However, she may have just not learned how to carry on conversations. She may feel less than you and is unconsciously trying to show you that she's also had similar experiences and is trying to relate with you. She may be wanting to be a part of the conversation and doesn't know how to do it. As in the case with your uncle she may be trying to tell you that she understands your pain because she's felt that way too when her nephew died. If you can give her the benefit of the doubt that she's trying to sympathize and doesn't know how to do it, you'll feel less anger.

You can learn a different way of relating with her while accepting that she's a person with faults and loving her anyway or you can learn to ignore what she's doing and not let it get to you. Perhaps you could start out by asking her what her experience has been with such and such. Let her tell her story first and then you tell your story.

When you're not needing to tell a story, sit down in a casual way with her, perhaps go out to coffee and have a conversation. Tell her how you feel using I statements and in a sympathetic way. Start by telling her you love her but lately you've been feeling irritated. Describe what happens in a kind way. Ask her how she feels about this. Be ready to offer suggestions on how to make your relationship better. Stick with just this one issue.

It will most likely take several such conversations. Get the issue introduced and be willing to let some time, say a week or more, to pass before continuing with the conversation. In the meantime give her lots of positive attention. Perhaps when she interrupts, kindly say something like, I want to hear your story but please let me finish first.

The key to making this work is to first feel love for her and acceptance of who she is as a person. Recognize that she's your husband's mom and give her respect. Accept that you're more skillful in conversations and give her a pass when she interrupts while gently guiding her to wait.

In the case with your uncle, listen to her story's. When she's finished quietly tell her you want to talk about him too and ask her to listen. Or, don't try to talk about him with her. Know who is a good listener and go to them.

Or, perhaps you'll just need to accept that this is the way she is and let her finish her story and then go back to yours. Getting upset about it while you wait is only hurting you. Try to find things about her that you like and show her as much love and acceptance as you can. I suggest that when she feels accepted it will be easier for her to stop some of this. I suggest she is trying to be a part of the conversation and may be being pushy because she's trying to get your approval.

Sounds like both of my parents.

This is classic narcissistic behavior. Every story and share is always related directly back to them. They think they are sharing, when in fact, they are hogging.

It's not going to change, ever. People with personality disorders always drive every one else nuts, not themselves.

Try and find others to share with and visit with the knowledge you'll be hearing all about their lives all the time, incessantly, repeatedly. Believe me, it only gets worse with age. So adjust your expectations sooner than later.

Depending on the relationship, you might simply stop and say, "Do you know how you are coming across? I'd like to share my entire story without being interrupted." Or "Not everything is about you."

There are people that are also nice and clueless. DH's friend's wife will talk your ear off about cats. EVERYTHING goes back to a cat they have or a cat she had. Everything. She has no kids and I think she's just trying to share, but it makes it hard to have a conversation about much else. She's gotten better, so most of us just try to listen for a moment and drag the conversation back to whatever we were discussing.

Some people also have no listening skills so you may have to say, "I was not finished speaking."

I have someone like this in my life, a 'can't get a word in edgewise' sort of person whom avoiding is not possible.

Like Christy Lee suggested-- I am careful what I share with her. AND I take a lot of breaks.

When I am desperate (in the car with the same person) I sometimes make up games for my own amusement. Some have been just plain silly "How long can she be okay with silence" (16 seconds was the record!) and a version of "how many people to the origin of the story" ("My hairstylist's mother's brother in law has a cousin who said this outrageous thing. blah-de-blah.) This makes things FAR more interesting to me, keeping track of all this mentally. It makes it far less likely that I will want to jump out of that car due to an overdose of inanity.

It's basically their insecurity. Taking breaks a lot helps too!

I'm sorry you're experiencing this.

My only suggestion is to stick only with mundane, everyday topics that you won't be offended to be one-upped on. Nothing emotional or close to your heart. Remain as unaffected by her interruptions as you can, armed with the knowledge that it is just her demeanor.

Save your serious conversations for your bestie or your husband. Share with those you can rely on to be empathetic listeners.

This is a tricky one, because it's hard to know MIL's intentions. Regardless, I can totally see why this would drive you crazy. Here are some options, and you can see which fits best for your personality.

-Be fairly direct. If she cuts you off or starts in on one of her stories, simply say "oh I'm sorry, MIL, I wasn't quite done with what I was saying, can I finish?"

-Stop sharing as much. When you feel her coming on with this behavior, just check out. Wait until she takes a breath, and then excuse yourself or start talking to someone else. I don't see this as being rude or passive aggressive, it's a survival technique. I personally don't like confrontations, so doing the first thing I mention would not likely happen. My option is to just take myself out of the equation. There are other people I can share with, it doesn't have to be her. Impart the info she needs to know about her son and grandkids and that's it.

-To move into passive aggressive territory, if you stop sharing much, and someone else mentions something, she might say "oh I didn't know you were doing x,y,z" and then you can say "oh, I think you missed it because you were talking about your x,y,z". This will let her know the score.

You will get a lot of advice about what to say, but if it doesn't fit your personality, it won't matter.

I will also say to maybe give her the benefit of the doubt. Why do you think she is like this? Maybe my story will help. My mom, who is the sweetest person in the world, does this. It makes me crazy. If someone is telling her a story, she doesn't interrupt, but instead of asking following up questions or being really interested, she finds a connection to her life and goes on about that. It does bother me, because if it was anyone but my mom I would be complaining. But I also know that growing up no one paid much attention to her. Then as an adult she always felt kind of insecure. So for my mom, she does this to be heard, and to feel like she matters. I try sometimes to gently mention that she may want to listen more than she talks, and she'll try, but it doesn't last. I can't change her. So I just have to love her for the reasons it has come to this. And then complain like crazy later! Or try to rescue conversations as they happen and facilitate more back and forth.

I don't know if your MIL is more like that- a nice person who just has deep reasons that she needs to feel important, or if she just thinks she is better than other people and likes to prove it. Only you have the best guess for this. And the answer to that should help guide you. But ultimately you can change your relationship to suit you and keep you sane. Not hate her or cut her out, but expect less understanding and listening ears from her.

Good luck. I know it's hard to deal with people like this, whether innocent motives or not.

I totally understand how you feel! Sounds like she has a personality disorder. You cannot change her, and you will have to figure out how to not let her upset you. Because you can't control her, you can only control YOU. Easier said than done ... I know! Try to change your expectations of her. She is who she is. Doesn't sound like she's a bad or mean person, just self-absorbed. You'll have to look to other people to get the type of communication/relationships that you want. Good luck!

Hmmm...I wonder if your FIL feels the same way. Maybe you could go talk to him instead. If they've been married a long time, he probably has a lot to say and might be a better conversationalist than your MIL!

I do understand where you are coming from. My MIL does the same darn thing and I've just learned to turn and walk away once she starts in on something like that. Act like I couldn't care less (and I usually don't care).

Bottom line, you can't change her, but you can change the affect she has on you. Stop expecting anything else out of her and reduce your time together. Either she will get it and learn to converse with you differently or she won't. Like I said, you could try striking up a conversation with your FIL, he might surprise you. If not, its just not meant to be a deep relationship with your in-laws.

I totally understand how her behavior makes you feel. I've been known to politely excuse myself and go read a magazine when things get overwhelming. It may come across as rude, but there's only so much you can take if you're frustrated. Maybe it's passive aggressive, but I'd give it a half hour, then let your husband handle the rest. Maybe she's stressed, and you're the person she feels she can "unload" on because you're a pleasant conversationalist? Good luck.

I would suggest that she doesn't even know she's doing it. Does she do it to everyone? I imagine that even if you explained it to her, she still wouldn't "get" the problem. I wonder if it's mostly just insecurity - she needs to be in the spotlight, no matter the reason?

With similar people, I stay as neutral as possible, too. It stinks, because sometimes it's someone I WANT to be close to, but some people just don't make it possible. It makes me sad sometimes, too, but it's not worth the kind of heartache you get from the one-up-manship.

I'm sorry for the loss of your uncle.

I have no words of wisdom for you - sorry. But for a laugh - my father had the same problem with his SIL many years ago. She topped EVERYTHING anyone said - especially my father whom I think she just didn't like very much. He kept his mouth shut for many years (hard for him, but there was no reasoning with this woman). Finally, one day he just had it. She topped one too many things. My father turned to her and said "did you ever notice that you always seem to have to top everyone's story? If I told you I knew someone who died, you'd say you knew someone who died twice."

That shut her up - for a while at least. good luck.

Yea good luck with her changing that....hahahaaaa. My MOM is like that. It's like they always need to have center of attention and make themselves the victim and are very needy. I hate talking to her sometimes. If I even mention my back was sore or I had a headache, forget it. She would hand me a written up list of everything that was hurting her. I don't know what their issue is but I think it may be a little bit of jealousy. I would just be quiet around her because she's just gonna irritate you when she opens her mouth. Good luck Mommy!

She sounds super fun-were you foaming at the mouth when you wrote this? I would stare at her and tell her you are totally captivated and intrigued by whatever she says; tell her your life is boring and that you are nothing and ask her to put you out of your misery. If that doesn't bring her around-nothing will.

That's nothing! My MIL is soooo bad that she actually tried to take custody of my kids!

Kidding - but my point is that some people are just like that. You can drive yourself crazy over it, or just accept that she's flawed, and likely will be for a long time. Who cares what she says? It's just hot air floating off into the ethos...

Well, stop making yourself sick......stop telling her anything and keep it short and simple. Narcissistic behavior will continue, as this is a personality disorder. Unless she acknowledges it and addresses it, all will remain the same. You cannot fix this, only she can, and most narcissists don't even know they are narcissists, right?

If she truly doesn't care about what you have to say, then there is nothing worth saying around her. I think the earlier you accept that, the easier your life will be.

I would spend very little time talking to her.

This is the MIL you have, and she's not likely to change. This is likely how she relates to people and has little to do with one-upping you. I don't think it's narcissistic at all, honestly. Maybe a little socially clueless.

The trick is going to be learning how to smile and nod, and then continuing your side of the conversation and saying what you wanted to say to the other people that are there. If she's the only one you're talking with, smile and nod and change the subject. Talk about neutral subjects. Have fun with the fact that she seems to turn everything around to be about her. That's what I do.

I have a SIL and a friend just like your MIL, and so I have fun with them. I make a game out of it so that I don't get frustrated with them. Sort of like a drinking game, except it's more about earning a prize I can get later after I leave. :-)

I doubt that anything would help, but quite frankly, if I were you, I'd stop talking about ANYTHING when you are with her for a long while. IF she even notices (and who knows, maybe she won't), perhaps she will ask you. Then you should flat out tell her that she always interrupts everything you say with her own story and doesn't even pretend to care that you have a life. It might not go over well, but I can't imagine why you'd even go visit if every visit is like you are describing. Why your husband hasn't let her have it over the years in regards to this behavior, I have no clue...

Dawn

My BIL is like this. I simply stopped bothering to tell him any of our news. It irks, as he lives to tell us his stuff, but won't pay us the same courtesy.

I agree with Jen C. Maybe she just wants to relate to you and participate in the conversation and doesn't have the conversation skills. True narcissists exhibit other problem behaviors that go far beyond one-upping conversations.
If it gets too bad for you to handle, I would have a heart to heart and say something like "I really want to share this with you, but sometimes I have trouble telling the whole story without you interrupting. You probably don't mean to or realize you're doing it. But could you wait til I'm done? When you interrupt, I don't feel comfortable telling you stuff about my life".