Lack of Interest, Discomfort or Respectful Distance?

Oops. I started to answer and then read down the page. It's already been said. Sorry - I clicked "post" by accident!

Do you think maybe they are just respecting your privacy, afraid of causing you emotional pain, don't want to appear as "prying" pr are letting you share what you feel comfortable sharing at your own pace on your own terms?

I can't imagine my in-laws (who are amazing, and I love dearly) asking about my past!! It's really none of their business to ask such things. I mention things here and there, but they do not follow up with questions. They would find that intrusive. I can assume they are taking the information you give them, and feel if you wanted them to know more, you would tell them. Bringing up a past hurt, can be very awkward. People will usually avoid it like the plague. There is just no way to know how that will go over, or how it could offend or hurt. If you want them to know, TELL THEM!!

I'm so sorry if this sounds harsh, I certainly don't mean it that way. You get hurt, before you even allow another person to know how you feel, or what you are thinking. You hurt, over things you simply assume. Many of your questions are about hurt you feel, for people who don't behave how you would like them to. Yet, in the situations, you simply don't tell them the information you want them to have, or tell them what you want, or tell them how you feel. Understand, that the hurts you feel usually (in the questions you've asked,) have nothing to do with the other person. You want, expect, or feel something...and never let anyone know. This passive aggressive behavior will only serve to cause you small and large hurts, and cause rifts between those you love. You can't assume people know what you want or think. You have to speak up. Is there a reason why you don't?
Again, I really am not trying to be mean. Just a caring observation.

Is it possible that they already know what happened? I almost wonder if someone has already clued them in, so they don't know how to respond when you try to bring it up. They may not have replied to your comment, because they know how badly it has hurt you to talk about your parents. It sounds to me like they know enough to make them be unsure of how to respond to a comment like the one you made.

If you truly want them to know, then I think you need to be a little more direct. Maybe say something like, "Tom, Sue, I've been so honored to be a part of your family for xxx years. As you know, my parents died when I was younger, and it is a very difficult topic for me to discuss, but I would like to share the story with you now if that would be okay." See what they say.

My mom's side of the family is polite to a fault at times....they always want everyone to feel comfortable, so they try to avoid bringing up things that they perceive as hurtful to others. However, when you directly approach them, they will open up and definitely talk about things (and are happy to do so...they just really don't want to hurt someone inadvertently by bringing something up).

Try not to over think it. My own mother has little to no interest in my life, or my kids' lives, who are her only grandchildren. Why? Who knows. Some people are just too wrapped up in themselves and their own issues. I know it's hard when people don't act the way we think they *should* but that's just a part of life. Focus on the people who truly care about you and your children and don"t worry about the rest. I've learned to expect nothing from my mom and therefore I'm never disappointed!

I don't think my in-laws ever asked about my past. My FIL for SURE wouldn't ever bring a topic like yours up. My MIL (wonderful woman, now deceased) would probably have had the conversation with me if I was in your situation and brought it up, but only after she and I had spent a LOT of time alone together (with the grandkids, of course) bonding.

I have good friends here now where I live (good in that I've been friends with them for 5 years, not the kind I've grown up with) whose parents are deceased and I don't think I'd ever ask them about circumstances surrounding their parent's death. To me that is such a personal story, I would be so worried they would get upset to talk about it. So probably only if we are in conversation that somewhat relates to it and THEY bring it up would I get the story.

I would try a few more times before giving up if that was the first story you ever told them about your parents. If they are nice people, they simply felt awkward asking before, and may have been caught off guard when you finally said something, and then still felt like it may be insensitive to ask you....

If they're dolts they may just not care. But they have no idea you've been wanting to talk about this with them. They could be erring on the cautious side.

Now SOME people (in-laws especially) ARE kind of self-absorbed and rude. I've got my share of in-laws like that and a few family members. So they may just have no interest. But talk if you want to talk. They'd have to be reeeeeeeally rude to ALWAYS ignore you when you bring it up. Try not to feel bad if they don't ask questions, just say as much as you want. You'll know for sure when they've let you know they "refuse" to discuss it or something.

Don't give up yet. You have a long life ahead with them. Set the tone. If talking about your parents is part of your life and your dialogue, don't decide to never bring it up again over this. Don't worry about impressing them or offending them. Be yourself. Talk about it. If they ignore you every time, you can start to phase them out of your mental landscape as that would mean they aren't nice people.

It is a touchy subject that they would rather tiptoe around because if they were to say something out of line and you get hurt--they cannot retract.

I would not expect in laws to inquire into my past or certainly not into anything about deceased parents. I would find such interest strange. Perhaps your in laws feel the same and are simply being polite.

Well, I just want to say you could have the opposite as in my case. My in laws are super nosy and ask very intrusive questions. They act as if they have the right to know whatever information they wish. It is very uncomfortable to me and my side of the family. So, I think maybe they are just trying to be respectful. Maybe they think they might bring up a hurtful time or maybe they just aren't comfortable with death/loss.

I am so sorry you lost your parents, especially at a young age.

Although I find your in laws behavior odd I do not think it is because they are disinterested. I would imagine they do not want to upset you and they mistakenly think that the mere subject of your parents will reduce you to tears and that would be uncomfortable to them. Of course I do not know them and am just guessing at why they behave the way they do. I however lost my son when he was 17 days old and I often see how awkward others get when my son's name is brought up.
Have you asked your husband to try to explain his parent's behavior?

What does your husband think? He knows them better than you do.

I think there are ways to discuss this with your husband without being negative. Something like, "I'd really like to be able to share this with them. What do you think?" He really could be a great resource on this subject.

I think people who ask questions are more the exception than the rule, sadly.

You can't change them, they are either disinterested or dull, or they feel that they would be "intruding" by asking you questions about your deceased parents.

Enjoy them for what they have to offer, and forge deeper relationships elsewhere.

sometimes we just have to find kindred spirits with whom to share certain things.
i wish my husband were interested in my spiritual life and beliefs, but he's not. he's a wonderful mate in every way, so despite the fact that this hugely important part of my life isn't of interest to him, i love him wholeheartedly and share that other important part with the few friends who ARE interested.
i wish my in-laws were interested in abstract philosophical topics the way my family is. i'd love to have deeper conversations with them than the weather or what the orioles are doing, but it's not going to happen. they are warm, lovely, kind people, and i have come to appreciate them for who they are, and for their differences from my own family.
i wish my family was a little more about being there physically and emotionally for each other, and less about concepts and theories and navel-gazing. i appreciate the ability to talk and discuss everything, while my in-laws are far too tactful and conflict-avoiding for my nature, but it can be rough and painful to be so 'honest' all the time.
i'm glad i have a spectrum of friends and family who fill different needs in my psyche. no one person can do it all. and i've learned to provide for myself what i don't get from the outside.
khairete
S.

It would be better if your husband sat down with them and had a conversation about it. They would "level" with him. Then you would at least know...

I guess there could be any number of reasons. Maybe they ate afraid to talk about it for fear you will get upset? I would imagine my in-laws would be that way. Or, maybe they are narcissists? If that is the case, google the website for "daughters of narcissistic mothers" and you'll find some helpful info as to how and why they operate the way they do, as well as how to relate and cope. Good luck and I'm so sorry you lost your mom and dad.