Mother-in-law Issue

If we didn't take my son to "see" my in-laws, they wouldn't -- and they live about 5-10 mins away.
You'd better work something out now.
Either the baby's father takes him there. Or invite them for lunch/dinner occasionally.
You are NOT their DIL --yet--ever?--don't be bullied by them, but act graciously always--goes a long way for family harmony.

Can you make it easy on both of you and have a scheduled day every week or every other week where you visit her or she visits you? Lunch every Saturday or dinner every other Sunday, for instance. If you can agree to something on a regular basis it might not feel like you are putting forth all the effort and then she can't complain about not seeing your son.

I have never asked my inlaws when they want to see the kids. I don't even ask my own mom. when they want to see them, they contact me and ask when a good time is. that's too much stress on you and really not your problem. just my opinion but I think that's weird. good luck!!!

Yes, my MIL lies to anyone who will listen. She comes to our town twice or more each month yet only stops about 1/3 of the time. She lived next door to the other grandchildren for 10 years and brags how she didn't see them for over 6 months once because "We are not going to beg or ask to see the grandkids."

I would let your fiance deal with her and I would not do all the work. Adults need to be adults and you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of being manipulated by her.

YOU shouldn't have to do anything. Your fiance should be dealing with his mother, not you.

i have had and still have my share of mil issues. I would not continue to make an effort all the time. she is a grown woman!! if she wants to see her grandbaby she can pick up a phone and call to make plans to. If you make an effort one weekend then dont do it again until she does. Mine used to just stop by un announced and told her to stop doing that because there may be nights we dont want company, etc. i told her to at least call first and and needless to say she didnt come around for 3 years because she was mad, pouted, etc. Now she comes around again and sometimes we invite her over and sometimes she calls, but it is going much better. You may have to just stand up to her if your fiance wont and tell her that if she wants to see her grandbaby she needs to call and make an effort to see him and you will not be the only making an effort. Good luck, it is a tough situation to be in!

AFTER READING YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED: Can you see NOTHING positive has happened and probably won't be happening. Again, your not married, so you don't have a mother in law or a sister in law and you may be better off. You should not have to cater to a people in order for them to see your son. If the new child and the one on the way is your boyfriend's sister, his mother will probably feel closer to them. Is your boyfriend's sister married? If so do you know how the other side of that relationship treats her and her child?

H.,

She isn't your mother-in-law yet. Are you sure you want to marry into this family? If she's talking to the family now instead of speaking directly to you, it will only get worse after marriage UNLESS you go to her and get things worked out.

Blessings......

Yep, been there. I have the most difficult MIL to get along with. Can your husband talk to her? In my case I leave it up to my husband to plan visits. I got tired of playing the games. I finished middle school too many years ago.

what worked with my mil when she did things like that, was i simply said, ok, you what to talk about me behind my back, say goodbye to me driving you anywhere at all for the next month, have a nice day, and, oh, by the way, i am not going to be fixing your birthday cake, you will just have to get someone else to make it for you. and when she asked one of her sons to ask me to do something for her, i said no, not if she refuses to come and ask me herself.it didnt make me popular, but i didnt end up driving her around all the time either.she should be making the effort herself to see your kids, the phone line works both ways, you know.
K. h.

You sound sensitive and I hope your MIL appreciates you!

Something about what you said made her anxious. Just keep trying to keep open communication without being critical. Keep conversations "I feel" ...NOT "you make me feel."

After awhile my bet is she will be so happy you are in her life!

If you asked her when would be a good time to see him, then what's her problem? Is it that she didn't want to come visit you?

I will ask my in-laws when on such and such a week would be good for them to see DD. It's only polite to ask when I can bring her over. They do come to our house, but we go to theirs more, to accommodate their health needs. DH hears occasionally that his mom wants to see DD, but then she doesn't ask us. It's silly but I just pretend I didn't hear it from DH/SIL and simply ask when we can come over. In my case, I think she's overly worried about interfering with my schedule.

Absolutely. I told me ex's mom that I worked full time and her grandson was in various activities so if they wanted to come see him in the evening just let us know so they wouldn't waste a trip or they could come to his event or on the weekend. She didn't work so it was easy for her to complain that we weren't there but realistically, we couldn't visit during the week even if he didn't have the activities. Besides, it wasn't my fault that when her son had our son with him for visitation that he didn't take him to see her.

well when i just had one child and it was easier to visit my in laws..i tried to visit once a week. i would schedule a visit. she would consistently cancel the night before or the morning my son and i were going to visit them. then she would tell my husband how much she missed her grandson. we went onto having two more children. it was harder to visit due to grade school and activites. i kept trying it was an awkward relationship.

It is hard to be the mother in law to some daughter in laws. I think that if your mother in law is wanting you to make the effort it is because she isn't comfortable just showing up and if you are like one of my daughter in laws, you make it clear you rather be doing something else with anyone else. I thought at first that we could have a close relationship like I do my other daughter in law. I took her shopping for wedding stuff, buying all the bridemaid dresses, flower girl dresses and the toast glasses and such that her parents didn't have time to shop for with their busy schedules at work. I didn't mind doing this, I loved it. After the wedding she and I spent a lot of time together while I taught her how to do machine embroidery and we had a great time with it. Then after she got her own machine it seemed that she didn't need the friendship anymore, I would offer to help her when she didn't have a car to go to the doctors appointments while pregnant and she would cancel the appointment rather then take me up on it. When my youngest son died she posted it on Facebook and that is how my sister in law and neice found out he was killed in an accident. When they came over that day she insulted not only me, the widow but also two cousins who were very close to my son. Then when they came over for my 50th birthday she posted on her facebook that she was here and if you could save me, now is the time. Then I became the "bi*ch" as she calls me on her FB. I don't have much to do with her, I go through my son to see the kids. They did go to my parents for my dad's bd party and that is the first time she didn't have some excuse that they couldn't make it in the year and half they have been married. I had printed off my son's journal for him. I kept journals on all three of my kids. I felt bad that my youngest son never had a chance to really read his and knowing that my oldest son loved reading his while he was little, so much so that he had me read it to his class in 3rd grade, I figured he would enjoy it. She claimed it would get ruined at their house, that they didn't have any place they could put it, so he left it at my mom's for her. Yes I do complain that I don't get to see my grandson and granddaughter (my son adopted her daughter from a previous relationship) often enough and no I don't go over to their house because to do so wouldn't be met very well unless my son is there. I also don't drive in the winter, especially now that I lost my son in an accident, the panic attacks are really bad. But I don't put my problems on facebook and I don't act ungracious to her when we are around each other. I love my children and grandchildren with all my heart and would do about anything I could for anyone of them but when I do go over there and it seems like a inconvience to her then what are you suppose to do? If I call before hand, she is too busy, it isn't a good time... always... that is if she even picks up the phone when she knows I am calling.

So make the effort or let her know it is ok to drop in on you if it is. Set up a certain day for her so there isn't any effort on either part, it is just their time together. Most of all make sure you have a friendship with her and then there is no effort. My yongest's son's widow and I are very close and I know I am never intruding when I see my granddaughter. She brings her over here every weekend and we either meet half way or she comes here to pick her up after church on Sunday. We shop together, we go to plays together and we have a mother/daughter relationship that is strong. That is what I want with my oldest son's wife but she isn't willing... and that makes me closer to my youngest son's daughter then my other two because I know her better having the time to bond with her.

H.:

This W. is going to be in your life. You need to figure out how to get along with her. You both love the same man - she made him who he is and the man you fell in love with. So - with that being said - it's NOT all about you. It's about your son.

I don't know what age your son is - it might be entirely possible that she's upset that her son has a child out of wedlock!! There was a time when that was a sin - seriously - it was poor form!! Now? It's like it doesn't matter. I don't know how old she is - but she could be from the generation that babies happen AFTER MARRIAGE NOT BEFORE - and she's flipping over that - it could also be that she's flipping over having a grandchild - I know my best friend was a grandmother at 39 - she freaked out - LITERALLY!! No kidding - no exaggeration - she flipped! I AM TOO YOUNG TO BE A GRANDMOTHER!!! :0

Now, you need to work on the relationship with your soon to be mother in law. Take her out to lunch one day - get to know her. Don't invite your son - this is about the two of you.

I don't know how old your son is - but let her know that you would like to schedule a routine visit for you guys - NOT A BABYSITTING trip - but a play date, etc. what ever you want to call it so that she can have some one-on-one time with him. Ask her if this will work for her and then make it work.....

You need to forge a relationship with her. Is it easy? Nope. I was lucky the first time - my former MIL was a ROCK STAR!! My MIL now is dead and has been for 5 years...we had some rough times - but we worked it out....it just took time and patience.....and most importantly - a willingness to make it work....if you are negative about it - and complain to your BF - then it will NEVER be easy. If you are ever in ear shot when she says how much she misses him - bring it up - please tell me when you would like to see him - we'll make it happen!!

YOU CAN DO IT!!