S.F.
Hi, TM,
I divorced my sons' father 13 years ago.. He was a drinker and increasingly violent, so there was no winning or repairing the marriage. He is somewhat involved w.our elder son, now 23 and a great success, and not at all with our younger, now 19 and really needing a father. So here's the voice of experience, not 100 percent successful, but I am now happily remarried to a wonderful man -- fairy tale ending!
Now, your situation. No. 1: your top priority is maintaining, insofar as you are able to, the kids' relationship with their father. Say nothing negative about him unless it's a matter of the child's welfare. (Example: my kids were so severely criticized by their dad that I finally told them to call me if Dad spoke to them that way and I would come pick them up, They did, I did, and he learned.)
Otherwise, you really just need to explain that we all love Dad very much, but he and Mom are just not able to get along as they need to and so Dad is going to live in a different house, but not far away. They will still see him a lot and he will come to school events, Little League, etc. Nothing else will change in their lives (and do your best to make sure of that!). It is just that sometimes grown-ups find they cannot get along nicely unless they get a little distance, so that is how Mom and Dad are going to make sure they keep getting along and taking care of you kids. And so on.
Divorce-wise, you need a good lawyer, not necessarily a person you like. Good means moving forward aggressively (if that's what you want, and do be certain before you file) while also making sure there is a sincere effort at mediation. Mediate everything you can, but always go in prepared and never let him get the better of you just to get it over with.
Whether through mediation or going to trial, again your goals should focus first on the kids. THINK LONG TERM. Get as much child support as you can get, for as long as you can get it -- till they turn 23 or graduate college. Consider some provision for increasing as cost of living increases -- these kids are young and if he has money, why not try? Also, he will secure and pay for all health insurance for the kids, as well as paying at least half of any costs not covered by that insurance, including vision, dental, orthodontic and therapeutic, till they are 25. Re visitation, be generous; he loves the kids too and surely is no danger to them, right? BUT realize that unless you are next door to one another, the kids will constantly be disrupted by your well-intentioned efforts to give each parent 50/50 time. You don't realize how hard this is on the kids until it is too late to arrange otherwise. Consider having them spend a full week at each house if that can work for both parents -- just switch on Sunday or whenever. That allows each parent to truly do the work and build the relationships. Or consider having them w/you through the school week, then weekends with Dad, including 3-day weekends so he gets some goof-off time with them. I know it seems unfair to give you all the homework time but if you are at home, it doesn't matter; you want them on a routine that keeps them stable.
Next priority: If you are not working outside the home now, you will have to get something going. Try to make some arrangement with your husband that will allow you to prep for getting a job and/or to launch some money-making project while he supports you, the kids and the house. You are not entitled to spousal support at 14 years of marriage.
Finally, therapy is a must for you but the kids are way too young. Don't get started on that path before adolescence; too early, it will not help but will put them of the whole idea for years to come. As you move forward in your life, always think of whether whatever you're doing will be best for your kids and choose whatever is best for them, even if it's tough for you. I never did go back to a full-time job, even though I was desperately poor, because I knew I would never be home and that would not be an improvement for the kids. So just feel your way and use them as your touchstone.If they are OK, you will be too, eventually. Good luck and be strong!!!!
Love,
S. F.
