I am trying to decide whether or not to end my mariage. My husband has left again. He was only home 2 days. (long enough to ask me not to discuss our probs until later, make love, and for me to finish all of his laundry.) i understand needing a cool off, but he just disappears for 1 - 2 weeks at a time, won't return calls to myself or our child. Then suddenly shows up back home, and refuses to talk about what is going on in our marriage.our daughter adores him. I will do what is best for her. I just don't know what is best for her. I mean, what is more scarring to an 8 year old?, living separately from their father, or seeing families sweep their problems under the rug. I want her to grow up to be a strong, independent woman; but i don't want her to be a quitter either. She should know some things are worth fighting for. I am so confused!
2-6: HI ALL, JUST WANTED TO SAY THANKS AGAIN, AND GIVE AN UPDATE. MY HUSBAND IS HOME. WE ARE IN COUNSELLING. BOTH MARRIAGE, AND FAMILY. HE WAS GONE @7 WEEKS. I THINK HE REALIZED I WASN'T PLAYING WHEN I PACKED AND MOVED HIM OUT. I AGREED TO LET HIM VISIT OVERNIGHT CHRISTMAS EVE. BY CHRISTMAS DAY EVE, WE HAD NOTHING ELSE OF USE TO SAY TO ONE ANOTHER. HE LEFT, AND THAT WAS BEST. FOR ONCE IN OUR 10 YEARS, HE WAS BEGGING TO GO TO MARRIAGE COUNSELLING. I AGREED. HE MOVED BACK IN MID JAN. BUT HERE I SIT THINKING THE HONEYMOON IS OVER. WE ARE IN A SLUMP. BUT HE'S HERE ATLEAST. PROBLEM IS, I THINK WHEN I TOLD HIM IT WAS OVER IN DECEMBER, I MAY HAVE MEANT IT. I FEEL NUMB. I'M NOT FEELING HURT, SAD, OR EVEN ANGRY. FRUSTRATED, MAYBE, DISAPPOINTED. NOT MUCH ELSE. I LOOK AT HIM, AND QUESTION MYSELF AS TO WHETHER OR NOT I EVEN LOVE HIM ANYMORE. IS THIS NORMAL? WILL IT PASS? I HOPE SO. I THINK HE IS TRYING. THERE'S SO MUCH WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE. I'M KIND OF WORRIED THAT I DID ALOT OF MENTAL PREPARATION DURING THOSE SEVEN WEEKS, AND BECAME OK WITH BEING ALONE. MY DAUGHTER WAS DOING AS BEST AS COULD BE EXPECTED. ALTHOUGH, I MUST SAY SHE IS THRILLED HER DADDY IS HOME. I JUST WANTED TO GIVE EVERYONE THIS HAPPY UPDATE. I'LL BORE THE MARRIAGE COUNSELLOR WITH ALL THIS NEXT WEEK. THANKS FOR ALL YOUR THOUGHTS AND CONCERNS. -CC
12-13: HI, THANKS AGAIN, SOME OF YOU ARE TOUGHER THAN I THOUGHT I WAS UP UNTIL THIS POINT IN MY LIFE. I CALLED MY HUSBAND Y'DAY TO RETRIEVE HIS ITEMS. HE WAS SHOCKED WHEN HE ARRIVED AND HIS BELONGINGS WERE ALL PACKED FOR HIM. ( I THINK HE DIDN'T BELIEVE ME.) HE RAGED TAKING HIS BELONGINGS OUT. I REMAINED CALM, AND STUCK TO MY GUT. I HAD ASKED HIM NOT TO LEAVE AGAIN WHEN HE CAME HOME SUNDAY, THAT I COULD NOT BEAR IT AGAIN. HE SAID ONLY IF WE DIDN'T HAVE TO DISCUSS OUR ISSUES. WE BOTH ISSUED ULTIMATUMS. WHEN I GOT UPSET, MON., I TRIED TO EXPLAIN WHY, BUT HE LEFT. I COULDN'T KEEP MY BARGAIN. BUT HE LEFT. SO HE DIDN'T KEEP HIS. HE STUCK TO HIS GUNS, AND LEFT. NOW I'M STICKING TO MINE. I TOLD HIS MOM I WOULD BE MORE THAN HAPPY FOR HIM TO JOIN MY DAUGHTER AND I AT COUNSELING, IF FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN TO BE AMICABLE WHEN DECISIONS IN REGARDS TO HER COME UP. I TOLD HER I WAS CONCERNED WITH HIS IRRATIONAL BEHAVIOR, AND I TURNED IT OVER TO HER. I AM GOING TO LET MYSELF, FINALLY, COMPLETELY GRIEVE THE LOSS OF MY MARRIAGE. UNTIL I FEEL SOME SORT OF CLOSURE, AND FACE MY OWN LONELINESS, AND CO-DEPENDENCE, I CAN NOT BE 100 %. THAT'S NOT FAIR TO ME OR MY GIRL, OR MY HUSBAND FOR THAT MATTER. IF NOTHING ELSE I WILL BE A BETTER, STRONGER PERSON. AND PERHAPS, LATER DOWN THE ROAD OUR RELATIONSHIP CAN START OUT ANEW. I NEED CLOSURE, WITHOUT DEALING WITH OUR ISSUES I FEEL THIS IS THE ONLY WAY TO GET IT. THANK YOU ALL, I NEEDED TO KNOW I WAS NOT MAKING A RASH OR UNJUST DECISION. I WILL TRY TO KEEP YOU POSTED.
-CC
Thank you all for your advice. I have prayed as best i could about this, had the "grown ups just need to have a time out from one another" talk with my daughter again, and talked with my husband on the phone. He says that he will come home... If we do not have to discuss our issues, until we see a marriage counsellor. I've heard this before. It's he has to work. Our child has this, that, and the other. I am in no danger. He would never hurt me physically, or verbally. His attacks seem to be emotional. Not daggers; repetetive needle pricks more accurately describes it. Things that (i think) any other person in the world would recognize as hurtful. I offer to help him with something, he blows me off. I tell him that evening that it felt like being blown off, and hurt my feelings, and he laughs. I can own my feelings without being accusatory. His response is usually well that's just stupid, or silly. I told him tonight that i am afraid he may be having an affair. I offered that i had no way to prove it, but there have been a string of several coincidences since he left. That his not talking to us, and when he does, not telling me where he's been makes those fears stronger. I remind him, (calmly) that after his first wife had an affair, he hired an investigator to document her activities, and promptly returned the favor. That he then, paid off a woman not to tell his wife, after they decided to reconcile. (this info is per him) he has a history of making poor decisions and is easily influenced. When i confront him, with any kind of hard facts his response is to get angry and leave immediately. Like it will go away if he never admits or even aknowledges it. I do not suspect drugs, or alcohol. I do suspect an affair. Please know i am not faultless. I too, have become content with sweeping things under the rug. There are so many emotions i have swept away that i have begun "pecking at his heels" ("did you really just carry socks from the hall, past the laundry room, and throw them in the living room floor so you could watch me pick them up?"...etc.)apparently i do this frequently. I've looked at this behavior. My guess is that he runs when heavy things are brought up, so i vent through petty things. It really doesn't even bother me to pick up after him, i guess i feel used. And as far as sex goes, that's me. I am the one who asks for more frequent sex. (my gyn. Says my need is well within healthy.) if i cut him off, he'd probably be relieved. And yes, i'm deliberately being vague, i should have known it would be difficult to lend any advice without info. Again, i want to make the right decision. I'm terrified of making the wrong one. Thank you again for just listening. (reading) i do feel a sense of relief by just "lifting the rug, and looking underneath."
I would ask him to go to a marriage counselor with you. Maybe that will help to communicate. If he refuses to go or to even discuss the issues at hand, I would consider a divorce. There simply has to be open communication in any marriage.
There are a lot of things that aren't mentioned here. You didn't say what you think he is doing while he is gone for 1-2 weeks at a time. We don't know if that has anything to do with his work or if he is having an affair?
I know if it were me, I would demand an explanation. I wouldn't give the pleasure of sex or do a man's laundry if he doesn't want to stay home and be a husband or a father.
It just seems there is a lot left out of this story to give you a lot of advice.
More than anything you need to find a way to get him to talk to you and tell you what is going on with him and what his plans are in regard to his family and his marriage. This conversation with him is the one thing that will get the ball rolling in one direction or the other.
Why do I think I know anything? I have been married 5 times and have gone through 4 divorces. I am not proud of this, but I have learned a lot about relationships in the process.
"I mean, what is more scarring to an 8 year old?, living separately from their father, or seeing families sweep their problems under the rug."
Sounds like she already has both. You only have control over one of these things, so take control. I know it's easy for me to sit on this side and say "end it", but sometimes a detached opinion is best. I say change the locks, and tell him it's over. Then find a good hobby you and your daughter can do together.
Marriage is definitely a partnership. From what I've read, you are doing the work of both the partners. His leaving for weeks at a time is hurting your marriage.
Do you think drugs are involved? Have you tried involving his family in the situation? Maybe he needs counseling or medication? I would explore all possibilities before deciding on divorce, but I would go get some free legal advice from a family attorney.
Big hugs to you!!
Harsh. You will be suprised how much your 8 year old wants you to be as happy as she is...
She may not be happy with her parents ending the relationship, but she will see you happy. I think that is just as important.
Divorce today is an easy out. No doubt, there will be questions of self doubt, self blame, and a question of did you really try to work it out..
If you think he is abusive, or would react harshly to an encounter, than leave emediately. make plans and go.
If you think he may recieve the point that you are willing to walk away from everything (the house and its belongings) and begin new with your child, then sit him down. Sit him down the day you plan to leave.
Work is not an acceptable excuse for him. To be chasing the mighty dollar, is not important. To be with family and a child who will be grown up before he realizes, is important.
He will use every trick in the book to stay, so be ready to give him a timeline. AND STICK TO IT
record everything in a journal.
(the good and bad)
when your child is old enough, you can share it with her or use it to reinsure yourself of the choices you have presently.
I left everything behind. took what I could fit in my jeep with my baby, and left.
left my animals behind too, couldnt afford the pet deposit on a unit, but didnt stop me from staying focused.
You can do it. either choice you make, you are becoming a stonger woman because You are focused on the future and best interest of your child.
Good luck, Ill be here if you want to talk.
Oh, honey! I can't believe you've put up with this for as long as you have. I'm not criticizing at all-- I know we all have different situations and everyone deals with problems differently, and I truly commend you for putting the interest of your child first-- but I don't think I could be that patient or understanding. Only you can decide what your relationship with your husband should be, but as for your daughter's relationship with her father-- please know that an 8 year old knows exactly what's going on. Kids absolutely do know when problems are being "swept under the rug" and having a father be absent for so long without warning has to have an effect on her. I've been an elementary teacher for years, and trust me, kids know what's up, even if they don't tell their parents. Often they don't want to hurt their parents' feelings by letting them know that they know what's happening, but they really do. If only for your daughter's interest, please consider counseling, even if your husband won't go (I know I sound like Dear Abby here!). And if he refuses to go with you and refuses to change, I'd consider a separation-- for your daughter's sake as well as for your own. Good luck with this!
Do what's best for you and your daughter...Your daughter will aways love her father, most kids do but don't teach her that a father being at home for 2 days is living with her father. A father should be at home every night unless his job involves travel. If your husband being away has nothing to do with his job, he is disrespecting you, your daughter and your home.
I read your response after I made my initial post so I'm rewriting it.
{{HUGS}} I have so walked down the same path as you for almost 8yrs with my daughter's father. Sweeping things under the rug, being made to feel I'm the one with the problem or loosing my mind. He lied to me, cheated on me countless times (even though he won't admit and I don't have proof, I still have my gut feelings!) used me for what ever he needed when he needed it,food, shelter, sex, showers, etc). It wasn't till I started going to Aalnon (my dad is an alcholic and this meeting gave me strenght) that I realized how I was acting just like my mother did with my father and that I was a bigger, better and stronger person than that!! I took a stand when I pulled the rug out from under him so to speak and my life has changed for the better since!! I have a great hubby and now two great kidos!!
I'll pray that the powers that be keep giving you the strength you need to keep you head up, thinking clearly and for your daughter to see how strong her mommy really is!! This will work out for you!!! Please know that you can send me a private message anytime if you just need someone to vent too.
S.
Wow.. I am so sorry for you. Of course she loves her daddy... all little girls do. I come from divorced parents and it was tough on me, so I don't take divorce lightly. But from what you say, it might be more scarring for your little girl to let him treat the two of you this way. She needs to learn that she should expect something very different from her significant other when she grows up. I think I'd sit him down and force him to talk about it and make it clear that the current situation cannot continue, or you will leave (assuming you feel it is safe for you to have this conversation). If he's not willing to work on it, I think I'd leave. Good luck to you.
CC...reading this it appears that your husband is leading a double life....I am assuming he supports your household...this behavior is very bizarre,and I know of no woman who would allow this behavior...This is DEFINITELY not good for your daughter.What type of work does he do..a cross country trucker? I mean where is he the 2 weeks he is gone? WOW lots and lots of questions...Post more info when you can..this is an odd situation...
Wow, it must be in the air, but what is it with these idiots that are so flagrantly pathetic to their wives and children?
First of all, kudos to you for keeping your daughter as your #1 priority.
CC, I'm probably not going to be the only one who says this to you .... in my opinion, you need to end this thing.
You mention that some things are worth fighting for and you don't want to teach your daughter to be a quitter. That's great, but you also don't want to teach your daughter to accept crappy circumstances all in the name of an intact family.
It's pretty telling that this guy can bail for weeks or months at a time, briefly show back up again, have intercourse with you, and then split again, only to ask that you guys not talk about this proverbial big pink elephant in your living room, and then go about your day. That is an absurd way to live your life, and one that almost invariably will read to your daughter at one point or another. Those are horrid circumstances to be under, and you can only fake it for so long.
I guess if you're game, marital counseling is an option. Do you love this guy? Have you ever leveled with him about his actions and what you are struggling with? Is he abusive towards you physically?
Do you have a dependable friend or any family support nearby in the event a break-up is necessary? A church or other support system to go to? Feeling alone during all of this is awful.
At any rate, try to wait til after the holidays to take any real action. And when you do, utilize this board for support.
All my thoughts and hope for you and your daughter.
E.
these ladies have given you some awesome advice, heres mine.
pack the daughter up for a weekend at gradma's and take hubby's keys away.it sounds like you both have some things you need to get off your chests and the only way everything is going to get out in the open is to talk about it and its hard to do that when A) there's a child present and B) one of the 2 concerned parties keeps leaving. if he wont talk on his own you're going to have to force him. Tell him that if he wont talk about it you are going to talk to a lawyer and a PI and find out on your own what he's doing. Its not fair to you or your daughter to keep putting up with this. If tellign him how much he's hurting you dosnt work , use your daugther and tell him how much he's hurting her. I grew up in a two house family, and in one where the dad was just never there ( my step father) and let me tell you , I'd take the two houses any day over the missing dad one.
Your daughter needs you to be happy so you can provide her with the very very best. You need to decide what will make you happy. He doesn't seem to be willing to talk to you and make your marriage better so that leaves only one thing. You want your daughter to grow up and be independent and a strong woman than you need to be one yourself. Leave him!!
Dear CC: The fact that your husband leaves for 1 to 2 weeks and you do nothing about it makes you an enabler to the situation. My question is: Why do you continue to allow this to happen? You mentioned "cooling off" so I assume he leaves after a discussion gone wrong or something that upset him. Regardless of why he left, the fact that he stays away so long (without any contact) then shows up like everything is fine waves SERIOUS RED FLAGS! Why are you intimate with him? Why are you doing his laundry. Start standing up for yourself. You deserve to be treated with the respect of a wife and partner. He is not giving you either. You sound more like a mom to a teenage son that comes and goes whenever they feel like it.
Your daughter is aware that Daddy takes off whenever he feels like it and might start (if she hasn't already) blaming herself. Put yourself in her shoes and try to imagine what she is going through. Make her the priority in this situation also and stop letting your husband control your life.
Please, please, get some counceling (whether professional or spiritual). They will help you put things into perspective so that you can start building your life around stability for both you and your daughter.
Best of luck!
It sounds to me like your husband has already left. I think if you want to show your daughter how to be a strong independent woman, you need to show her how a woman expects to be treated by a man, and that your husband is not doing! I think it's time for you to put your foot down and take control of your life and quite letting him walk in and out of your's and your daughter's life. This is causing more harm than you ending your marriage and starting over and becoming the happy person you and your daughter deserve to be! So my advice is to tell him that if he can't sit down and discuss your marriage that there is nothing left for you to sit and wait for. He can either make a commitment to you and your daughter or it's time to go your separate ways. If he does commit to trying to save your marriage, I strongly advise you to go to marriage counseling. It sounds like your marriage is in much need of repair and I don't think that will happen without a little outside help.
Please take control over your lives for your daughter's sake! I hope this helped.
LCG
Hello,
I'm so sorry that you are going thru this with your husband. I'm even going to comment on that.
But what I would like to say is that you stated that you don't want your daughter to be a quitter. Keep in mind that she sees what is going on and the situation is teaching her how to be treated by men. If this continues, she will learn that it is okay for men to come in and out of her life as they please, she will accept that it is okay to be hurt over and over again and to have limited expectations from the man in her life.
I truly beleive that you may need to talk to her and explain that adults are not perfect and make mistakes somtimes. Explain that it is not okay for daddy to go missing and come in and out as he pleases and that you two are working on correcting the problem. Tell her that you know it hurts her feelings and it hurts you too and that it is not fair to either one of you. You are her example. If you are strong and demonstrate self confidence and respect and boundaries, she will grow up to do the same. If you demonstrate that this situation is "normal", she will beleive that too.
Take yourself out of the picture and imagine your daughter is grown and married and her husband is treating her and your grands the way you are being treated. What would you want for her, what would you expect her to do? How would you feel? Well you don't deserve any less...
You're so right about some things being worth fighting for . . . things like your dignity. I would hate to teach my daughter (or children but especially a daughter) that they are worth so little as what her father is giving her. You need not destroy her father in her eyes through a divorce, but I would not teach her tolerance of such indignities either.
I would have to say RUN! You may think that it would be worse to split the family up but I think living in the situation the way it is is far worse on the both of you. Your not happy and she will sense it eventually if she doesn't already. Also he isn't willing to work on things. He comes home & gets some, gets his laundry done and then he is off again for a week or so? I would think affair....first thought on my mind....sorry. It is one thing to punish you but to punish your child as well is completely wrong of him and your better off w/o him. If he only wants to see her once a week or every other week...at least let him set you free and do it through a divorce. Sorry to be so blunt.
My first husband did that. Would disappear for weeks at a time.
At first, he wouldn't talk about it but evidence is evidence. He was doing things that he shouldn't have been doing and it destroyed our marriage and he brought home small pieces of evidence to prove my suspicions. Yes, it took 2 to make the marriage fall apart. I'm not without my faults as I could have been more understanding, more firm in my commitment for safety. But I simply wasn't going to stand going through the agony I was in when he left and even more when he returned. If it sounds like a nightmare, it certainly was.
The nightmare for you is the uncertainty and the unknown void that you look at each and every time he's away. It's doubled when he returns because he doesn't even talk with you about where he's been or what's going on.
This man does not want to be married. Period. You are not the quitter - he is. Your daughter will see that eventually if you remain consistently strong in your will, your life, your beliefs and your love for her. She will see the difference between someone with true strength of character and someone who hasn't enough courage to even discuss your relationship with you. You do what you have to do and let him go about his business.
People can say what they want about marriage being "forever" and that the woman should sacrifice everything that means something to her soul to try and "work things out." I understand that beliefs are different and I respect that. I understand, also, that my God is personal, sincere in his honesty lessons for me, respectful of me and my attitude (and is helping me with the black spots), guides me and loves me deeply - with all my faults. I do not believe marriages are forever except when the couple is actually working to make the marriage that way.
But a true marriage can't survive with only one partner. That's not what my own personal God intended, or so I believe, thus, I divorced who I thought would be my partner for life. My God intended for the commitment to remain a commitment as long as the 2 partners remained committed. Sometimes, I feel the world puts too many restrictions on God's love for each individual as well as the couples. Let Him be the Judge.
My husband now is the John Wayne in my life. He watches over me, protects me, loves me deeply, tells me when I've possibly made a bonehead move and keeps me warm at night. I'm deeply entwined with this man as he is me. To me, that's Heaven. To me, he is a true partner and not just on paper. He doesn't think about being with someone else or doing anything to cause me to worry. I believe husbands should be more than providers - they should be lovers, friends, companions and true partners who have your back on things. Keep your head up, CC. I hear you and have *big hugs* just for you.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. You are a very strong young lady and I think what you did was for the best. It is not a healthy environment with him acting so selfishly. Your children also see the behavior and they may learn that this is the norm,which could potentially hurt their own relations later in life.Children are very perceptive and they can sense tension and will certainly associate this with your husbands presence. Also with him sporadically coming and going as he is, I am sure you are always anticipating on his arrival and I am most certain you probably get an overwhelming sense of emotions when he does decide to come around. This is not healthy for you.. You deserve so much better than that and we ALL have our faults,but do not allow him to try to set blame on you. You are at least there and playing the part of a good wife and mother. We all have our ups and downs and a good mature person/spouse will communicate issues with you instead of using them for an excuse to wander about.Be strong for yourself and your kids. This is his problem and it sounds like to me that he needs to seek help to control his emotions and to grow up and fulfill his spousal or at least parental responsibilities.
My advice to you as a single-parent(pretty much by choice) is to take control of your life. Your daughter sees you as her main role-model. Would you want her to be in a similar situation?Any person's priorities today should be first to God, then to his/her family. Your husband clearly has his priorities mixed up. He needs a gentle reminder of what his vows are and where his responsibilities lay.
The fact also is that he has another life separate from yours. What does he do in these off-days? That may be worth investigating before your decide to entertain him. You may be selling yourself short; settling....pray about it; believe; never compromise too much.
Dear: CC
I don't hear you mention counseling? Also, are you connected to a church family? Those are two wonderful avenues for support before you do anything! Have you read any boundary books by Dr. Cloud and Townsend? They are Christian based, easy reading and wonderful counsel in print. How about counseling for your daughter, this has to be terribly confusing for her. Even if your spouse isn't interested in talking, it sounds as though you need a healthy sounding board. Please make sure before you find a counselor that you ask for referrals from someone you trust. God Bless You.
I'm sorry but your husband sounds like a spoiled brat. He only comes around to get what he wants and/or needs. Not even thinking about you or your child together. I personally think your daughter would be a lot better off if you ended this farce now rather than later. It would also sit an example for her of a strong independant woman. It doesn't seem like he even takes you and your child into account when he is coming and going as he pleases. That is no way to live. She would be much better off in the long run. I don't give this advice lightly as I don't believe in divorce in most cases and have been married for 38 years. But I have seen the consequences of having a child waiting around for his father to come around and never knowing when that is going to happen. It hurts them greatly. I have seen this with my sisters 2 kids. She is divorced and her kids where always waiting for their father to come around. Most of time (even when he told them he would) he wouldn't. Good Luck and God Bless. S.
PS. Next time he comes around DON'T DO HIS LAUNDRY OR MAKE LOVE TO HIM!!!!! Just give him the cold shoulder and see how he likes it.
Where does he go? Does he make any excuses about where he has been? You should fight for your marriage you made a bond before god for better or worse. As my mom has always told me marriages are sometimes going to be both people madly in love with each other, sometimes one is in love and one is not so much and sometimes it will flip. You just have to put up with the times that you are the one madly in love and he is not so much and enjoy the ride when both of you are in love with each other. I too have had moments when I wonder about whether I can deal with my husband but then I just think about how hard it is too be a single mom and how lonely. I try to stick it out until he gets over his mood and things get back to normal. I tell you to stick it out. Make him talk to you. Find out where he his going and why. If he will absolutely not tell you, then find out why he won't tell you. If you find out and feel you still want to fight then try counseling. If you feel all is lost and you cant make it work then by all means divorce. Your daughter should know that you respect yourself enough to continue with life. Good luck and keep trying.
Okay CC. This is a hard one. You are asking what we think you should do. What do you want to do? What would be better for you and your daughter? You must love and respect your husband, even if he is not loving and respecting you. If you feel that that is not the best thing, then do something about it. If youa re being abused verbally and emotionally, then you need to change the situation. You cannot sit there and allow him to do this to you. I am not saying that you do something crazy, but you must think about your safety and the safety of your daughter because your husband is not. Take some time and really pray about this and talk to God about all the feelings that you are having and allow him to tell you what you need to do. If might not feel good to do and I know that you love your husband because this is not the first time this has happened and you have stayed. How has your husband loved you? How has he met your needs? Weigh the pros and cons of staying and leaving. I know this is hard for you and I am sorry that you are going through this. But trust God and take care of your family.
C C-
I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. My question to you is: what is better for your daughter...to see her mother make a "strong and independent" decision to leave or to see that the way her daddy treats her mommy is okay? I hope there isn't anything going on, but the signs are pretty big that he has already checked himself out of the relationship. You are young and can find a man who will treat you right, whereas, he is old enough to know better and you know the saying of can't teach an old dog new tricks...he will be alone because you can't treat a woman like that and expect her to stick around. If he won't talk about the relationship, then maybe it is time you talked and took a stand. No sex (you may be making love, but he is having sex) unless things change...and stick to it. If he really wants the relationshp then he will stick around even without sex. Pleasure should be something he earned not a given. Do what you can so that you have no regrets but at the end of the day, what is best for you and your daughter is probably to give him the final ultimatum and if he doesn't change, then you take the steps to legally separate. That is a real eye opener to a man when his finances and success are at risk.
I am going through something similar right now, but I would not question my decision if my husband went MIA for weeks at a time. He is my husband, so he at least better respect the choice even if we are working on making our marriage better. I do want to say that my husband did make a choice to move out to save our marriage, but the big difference is that he truly means it...I don't let him call the shots all the time and I stand up for myself and our daughter. I've made it very clear to him that if he can't be present in our relationship and make time for me, then we might as well as call it quits now. He is also a workaholic, so I make a point to be clear on what the priorites in life are and if he can't live up to those then he will be along.
I wish you the best of luck and know that someone is thinking of you in this time, and if you need anyone to talk to please don't hesitate to email me. I am 27 with an 8 month old little girl, with a husband who is 10 years older and was a bachelor too long before we married.
T.
I agree with Gina, I think he may have someone else on the side. No man who loves his wife and child would leave for weeks at a time and then ignore issues that may cause his marriage to fail if he wasn't already past the point of not caring. I know this may be hard to hear or even consider but if it were ME not saying this is something to do. But I would do some checking up. Ask him where he is going when he leaves and then call or drive over without ur daughter and take a peek to see if he was honest. It does smell of lie's and just ignoring it wont make him confess nor will it help your marriage. I personally couldnt be with someone like that...to decieving and to much emotion baggage. I say get to the bottom of where he's spending his time and go from there.And as far as your daughter and showing her some things are fighting for...love is worth fighting for...but not if you arent recieving love and ESPECIALLY not if your husband is seeking his elsewhere and you are just someone who takes care of the dirty needs that his g/f wont on the side. I am convinced he has someone else...my husband speaks openly to me about how and why guys do things they do and from my knowledge and guy who respects and loves his wife wouldnt even consider the option of leaving for weeks without being in contact or his wife knowing his whereabouts. I say confront him and give him his choices...either be honest and work through his faults WITH you or choose his secret lifestyle and lose the comfort of you and his daughter being there when he's bored with the other women. Id also like to say that in these cases where the guy has to spend weeks with the other person its likely b/c she may not know he has another life so he has to lie to her as he does to you...and there also may be a possibility that he may have a child with her. Granted there's no proof yet...of the child anyway. But his actions scream affair and you'd be a fool to think otherwise or to not atleast get some truth.
Stubby I agreed with you all up until the point of you basically knocking everyone else's advice. My husband also is not JUST a provider...me and my husband are like BEST friends..true friends not the type that only smiles to your face. My husband has never lied to me..even on the small things and I never to him. A husband is not just someone who you bend and mold into your own little Ken.They have faults and as long as their faults out posioning you and your soul then love those faults.So husband's are great in many different ways as are we. It took me only once to find mine.
Hey CC
I am just so curious what is the issues he doesn't want to talk about when he comes home and gets mad when you try to discuss them? It just doesn't make since to me. It is so strange when someone doesn't want to work through their problems and work on their marriage.
I do not have advise on the situation other than lean on the Lord, he can change hearts. If you want me to pray for you over the phone I can do that ###-###-####). I have never prayed over the phone, but I just had a friend pray for me and it felt great to leave the situation in the Lords hands, not mine. New topic: I could really use help with my lawn. Our home in Michigan does not have this kind of grass and our SC home's grass looks aweful. It has dead spots? Help!
In my opinion, I think you should leave him. I say this because you have to watch what you are teaching your daughter. By dealing with that amount of disrespect, you are teaching her that it is okay. I do believe that some things are worth fighting for but you all are not children and he knows what he wants or doesn't want. If he wants to be in the street or where ever he goes, let him. You are way to valuable of a woman I am sure to allow that amount of disrespect to continue. By keeping him around (when he is there) you are probably blocking the path for a real man to come into your life. My thought is that men only do what we allow them to do. If we allow them to hang out in the street and then come back and make love to us, that is exactly what they will do. Think about all of the potential diseases or whatever he could be bringing back to you. If he brings back HIV, think about the impact THAT will have on your child!!! We are all valuable and deserve to be respected and if there is someone in our lives who refuses to respect us, we need to let them go. I would suggest, not allowing him back again and see how you feel. He will probably try to straighten up for a while if you don't let him come back, but I can promise from experience, that it will only be temporary. But just remember, you are beautiful and are worthy of the utmost respect. If you can't get it from him, move on. I wouldn't suggest getting into another relationship right off hand but I would suggest taking some time to raise your level of self esteem (men usually tear that down first), make some major decisions about what you will and will not accept and become strong enough to demand the respect that you deserve from him or any other man that may come in your life.
I would seek counseling from a Christian counselor. Trinity Presbyterian Church in Statesboro has an excellent counseling ministry. My husband and I are in counseling there now, and it's making a big difference. Hope things work out for your family.
I think you already know the answer to your question. 1-2 weeks is completely, 100% unacceptable. In my opinion, your daughter seeing you and her father "sweeping your problems under the rug" isn't the worst of it. She is learning from her mother that she should not expect anyone to ever have any respect for her. She is also learning that she should never bother showing HERSELF any respect. The most important role model in a child's life is their same-sex parent. She is watching, and mimicing, every move you make. She WILL end up in the same, or VERY similar, situation one day. Count on it. Luckily, it's not too late. If you wonder what you should do, imagine your adult daughter telling you that her husband abandons her for weeks at a time. If you were in that situation, what wouldn't you give to go back in time and change what she was taught? What wouldn't you give to change it? Just the opinion of a stranger. Good luck.
