Mom in Detroit Area Seeking Help with 3 Year Olds Temper Tantruams

I feel where you are coming from. My 9yr. old has this problem. It started to show when he was about 3. It wasn't until he was 7 before we found out he has O.D.D..oppositional defiant disorder. Last school year he caused so many problems he had to be home bound in November for the rest of the year. I actually had to quit my job a few years back just so I could be able to go to school when they needed me. I had him tested by a psychologist and he has odd and adhd. I took him out of public school because they just didn't want to help with this at all. I found a charter school "which is free" and they are ready for children with these behavior problems. I was told my son will have a harder time get past this because we didn't catch it early enough, but he was right on the time border. After the age of 8 they say it's harder for them to "grow" out of this disorder. Medicine is helping, well making things not as stressful around the house!! He won't be like this forever, I wish you good luck and I hope this will help!

Hi B.~
Unfortunately behavior issues are so difficult. My oldest son was in this boat and I felt so helpless. I remember thinkning when he would act out ("is this chaos what he is feeling on the inside?") I don't know your son and I make NO claims to be able to diagnose him...and behavior problems come with sucha stigma these days, it's hard to know what to do. I have to say that it sounds like a true problem, and not just discipline since his behaviors don't change when the environment does. I think you just have to gather the bits of energy you have left for one last rally, and demand some answers...right now, right here, no excuses! You need help with him and it is nobody's place to let him fall through the cracks. Everybody has a supervisor and you have the right to go to the highest level of authority until you get the answers you deserve! And if you don't already, spend some time with your Highest Authority and pray...for answers, guidance, patience and peace of mind! God meets you where you are and right now it sounds like you are at wit's end! Good luck to you!
~L.

I also am a school support person. I think you need to know the Early On people legally have 30 school days(about 6 weeks) to finish an eval.If they ask for an extension ask them how much longer it will take,a week or a month? Hold them to their answer and than if they don't produce go to their supervisor and complain. Or If you just can't wait do it when you've had enough, he's your child and you need help. The school district I work in would not be happy to hear that it is taking so long and you are at your wits end. Legally a IEP will be held at the culmination of the evaluation process, make sure you get it. I also would try to find a infant mental health specialist and see if there are any programs that can go out to day care and observe your son and the caregivers. Sometimes the caregivers contribute to the problem instead of making it better. Development Center in N. W. Detroit used to have such a program. You will need to call them to see if they still do, ###-###-####. If not, maybe they can direct you to another program. It occurs to me that a parent advocate may be able to help by attending meetings with you. Advocates know the law and can help you assert yourself when necessary. I think calling your intermediate school district would help you get in touch with a advocate. Hope that helps.

Hi B.,

I know where you are right now and it is AWFUL!! I went through all of this about 3 years ago with my oldest daughter. It was a long process, but we are finally working with someone who "gets it!" We covered all of our bases (hearing eval., Social work, OT, etc.) We have had CT scans, etc. We finally found that our daughter has Sensory Integration Dysfunction. She can't control things on the inside (noises are too loud, lights are too bright, clothes bug her, etc.) so she tries to control everything around her to make up for it. It is tiring and It was difficult to listen to people talk about your child in a negative way.

I would call the special ed. director and voice your concerns. They usually are supportive. I am a speech therapist and had experience with all of this like I'm sure your husband has. It is incredibly frustrating to not be able to help your own child.

Hang in there. It may be a longer road, but you'll get there.

C.

Of course I know nothing about the dynamics of your family life or what kind of a medical or psychological challenge your son may have but it seems to me like you might look to into your emphasis on work as contributing to your problems. You describe yourself as a "full-time and exhausted mom" and mentioned that you were "late for work because you had to listen to caregivers tell you about all of the problems with your son's behaviors." Daycare workers are just that and cannot parent and guide and correct and discipline and seek professional guidance like you can and should.I had a high stress career and left work to be home with my son who is now twenty one and just graduated from college. Even as a stay at
home mom we had our moments..especially when he was three !!
But the problems you see in a three year old come back in a different way when your child is a teen and can resist
your authority and other authority figures in more dramatic
or destructive ways. Again, I don't know your situation and
am not judging or trying to tell you what to do but I would
certainly take a look into the kind of hectic schedule that you have put yourself and your children into that you resent the time daycare workers are taking from your workday to tell you about your son's problems. This seemed like a red flag to me. I have seen children acting out and looking for someone to set the boundaries and respond in a consistent way to their misbehavior and yes it is exhausting because they are persistent. You and your husband(as a professional)could make a strong team if you have a plan to get your son under control if you are consistent and on the same page. Please make your
little boys your first job even if it is very difficult and you will have the satisfaction (whatever the outcome or their unique problems) that you gave it your utmost priority and
tried to do the right thing for your boys.

i have a every active child who will attack me when she was younger if could do it i would hold her or set her in a chair with my body accross her legs til she clamed down but i have to watch it cuz they tend to hit you and i have nerve damage but i would do this so she wouldnt hurt herself (whitch she sometimes did)or others but me just an idea feel free to email me

I am a grandmother raising a girl 7 and a boy 4. I too have the same problems as you do, the girl has ADHD and is on medication, which has helped alot. The doctor said the boy will probably be the same, he is very active and throws temper tantrums. I have found that counseling and be understanding as much as you helps. I have in home couseling for the boy and she see what kinds of moods he has and has advised what to do. Each child is different in how they express themselves. I hope this is some help to you.

I didn't read anything about discipline, using "time out", or taking away special toys or privileges. Have you tried talking to your son, one on one to see if you can reach some type of agreement on his behavior daily. I would advise, placing your child in a small daycare center, where he can just about receive one on one interaction with the teacher, and peers. There are some very nice centers on the Eastside of Detroit that are small in enrollment, if you are interested in looking into them. Don't forget, your 3 year old has never lived this life before, so he will only do what he knows and allowed to do by his parents, as an authoritative figure and parents. Good Luck.

B., I can define my son politely as "strong-willed". He is nowhere near on the scale of your son (he's never thrown a chair to my knowledge), but has been very particular about things since he was able to express himself (down to what music he thinks I can listen to in the car, what clothes he wears, what he eats, etc.) and he expresses himself loudly if things don't go his way. Essentially, we would do a dance about everything, arguing about what was best and who was in control. I had to stop the dance and not get sucked into his power struggles. I did so by applying some actions I learned from "Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child : Eliminating Conflict by Establishing Clear, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries" by Robert J. MacKenzie (on Amazon).
In a nutshell, it was sort of like the five steps mentioned earlier - get to their level, talk softly, and respect their feelings, but come to a resolution where you both win.

Dr. MacKenzie says there are two types of people: compliants and testers. Your little darling is definitely trying to test you and everyone else in authority, which is where clear, concise and respectful instruction is key. I can actually see a difference in my son between what I do after reading the book and what my husband does after ignoring the book ;)

Good luck and keep at it! It's great you're starting to look for answers this early so you can guide him gently into making better choices before Kindergarten.