5 1/2 Year Old Daughter: Defiant and Strong-willed, Yet Very Sweet spirit...need

I recommend you get Dr. Sears "Parenting the Fussy Baby & High Need Child." My 3 year old is very stubborn, very smart, very focused, and has a very big heart. He was a very difficult baby, none of the "typical" parenting advice ever worked for him. Dr. Sears explains this type of kid as needing more of everything - more attention, more patience, more more more - but they also give back more affection, and so on. Good luck, you're doing great!

I too have a very strong-willed child. From the day he was born it seems I've always struggled with him and many times feel like he just hates me - like I've done something horribly wrong. I've read nearly every discipline book - none of that advice works for him. I also started feeling worse as I have many friends who are parents and they talk about - "keep a routine" "discipline consistently", etc. etc. - as I believe someone already posted on here.......However if you have never had a spirited child you do not honestly know the challenges that come with. I have two children - both raised the same, one knows the boundaries I set are real and listens, the other, spirited child, pushes - and pushes - and pushes.........everything seems like a fight and many days I feel I'm in survival mode.....Getting through a day without some sort of fight seems like a miracle. HOWEVER - my spirited child is also extremely passionate about activities and pours his heart into things he loves......he's the best cuddler ever and can be the sweetest little man. From nearly day one I've referred to him as Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Logan..

I know what you mean about the defiance - my son LOVES going to the park however if we suggest it he will automatcially say NO as it was our idea.....Do you want chicken nuggets (his absolute favorite) - NO he says since it was our idea....Everything seems to have to be his own way, his own idea, etc. etc. Even so - he's so 'independent' he still "needs" for us to help him get dressed and still hides in the corner when he has to poop (he's 4.5)......

So - to actually answer your question - no I do not know of a parenting support group but would LOVE to be part of one! Is there an online board specifically for this maybe?

I have this issue with my just turned 4yo dd. It is a daily struggle. We don't have a diagnosis for her, so it may be just "spirit" or could be something neurological. Given some key behaviors, I'm guessing neurological.

Although I have no advice or help, I love Melissa L's response. If you don't have a kiddo like this, you are unlikely to understand. They are a force unto themselves, and it is completely draining.

The only thing I do know is that spanking or physical discipline will only make things worse. You don't want to go there. We just got the "positive discipline" book, which I think will help us. It certainly won't solve the problem or get rid of the issues, but we're hoping it will reduce episodes.

Good luck!

My son's kindergarten teacher told us that she thought he was ADHD, and we never followed through with getting him diagnosed. He was put into the Gifted & Talented program in 1st grade, which helped all through elementary school. We've used NAET treatments to make sure he wasn't reacting to foods/dyes/pollens, chiropractic, acupuncture, and a whole host of other methods to see if we could get the physical/energetic root taken care of. Read books, talked with other parents of similar children, and attempted to be as consistent as possible. He's now 16 and we're about to start Neurofeedback through Dr. Walker/Ditt Welch. Because he's been through several concussions, I thought perhaps that was part of the problem so we had a SPECT scan done at The Clements Clinic. That revealed that he probably does have ADD, so we'll try this last route (with counseling, too) to see if that works. In addition, I found a website called www.EmpoweringParents.com, and it's had a lot of great support and advice. My son came out of the womb sunny-side up, and has been a challenge since then. The sweetness that comes out occasionally is amazing, but it does get difficult to remember that part of him during his rages. Hugs to all of you mamas out there who have these 2-headed children!

Hi A.,

Your daughter sound a lot like how my son was at that age. We went through a lot together and I read a ton of books, researched on websites, and did some counseling to find answers. Things have gotten a whole lot better, and I wrote book to share what I learned. "Better Behavior Without Stress" is on Amazon.com in paperback or you can get the Audiobook version on my website http://www.socialwhizkids.com/book.

I would recommend that you check out http://www.chadd.org as they have parent support groups all over the country as well as lots of good information about ADHD that you will find helpful. These groups are really helpful in giving advice about good resources in your community as well.

There are answers out there. Don't wait to start getting the help that you need for your family.

All the best, K.

How old was she when she was adopted? If not a newborn, she could have oppositional defiant disorder. I don't usually label children or think everyone has some kind of disorder, but only from personal experience.

I only say this because my little brother was adopted when he was 4 months old and he had this and attachment disorder plus add. He was diagnosed as young as 3 because he had some pretty strong problems, though with help in his youth, he is a well functioning adult now. Apparently, this disorder is very common with adoptive children.

http://aacap.org/page.ww?name=Children+with+Oppositional+...

I'm only vaguely familiar with Love and Logic, but Dr. Sears has some excellent discipline and behavior shaping advice as well. Scroll down the page to the 'bothersome behavior' section for more specifics:

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

I just finished reading "Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child" by Dr. Robert MacKenzie. I really liked it because it was simple advice with real-life scenarios that did NOT advocate spanking. You did not mention in your post what discipline techniques you have used so far but this book does emphasize very firm limits, consistency and parents presenting a united front. Strong-willed kids will test and test and test, over and over sometimes, just to see how serious you are - you just can't give in and you always have to appear calm and in control. I would read this book and see if you find it helpful. And it does also state that it doesn't matter if the kid has ADHD or not - the rules are still the same.

I wish there was a support group for us parents of these strong willed kids. I too have a little girl with the same issues. She isn't adopted but she has been diagnosed with ADHD and is extremely defiant. She's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Very sweet one minute and defiant the next. We never know what to expect from her. Our daughter is 7 getting ready to turn 8. She on top of all this is very immature for her age which is not a good mixture with the ADHD and the defiance. Everything is a fight with her as well. Takes her literally 30 minutes to put socks and shoes on. They have to be just right! I could go on an on but I don't need to since it seems as if you are going through the same things as we are. I would love to join a support group if one was available. It's a shame we live too far apart. I'm in Texas too but I live southwest of Dallas. Not too far but not close enough. However, if you want to correspond through here, please feel free to pm me. I, like you are at my wits end. We have tried various different positive reinforcements, incentives, punishments, etc.....but really haven't found one that works all the time. She is on meds and she is in counseling. I feel like we are doing everything we can but at times, I feel like it isn't working. I do know that consitentcy is a major key to the discipline and reward system. Right now what we are doing which seems to help some but it's just the beginning is what they call the Roll of the Dice. You come up with 6 consequences (have her help you come up w/some). Number them 1-6. When she gets into trouble have her roll a die and whatever number comes up that's the consequence she gets. It takes the control away from you and gives it to her. Strong-willed kids like to be in control. Put her favorite things down on the list. For my dtr I have stuff like: No DSI for a week, No trampoline for a week, No bike or scooter for a week, etc. We've also been doing a marble reward system. We have a jar and for good behavior, chores, etc, I will have her put a marble or marbles into the jar. Once the jar fills up with marbles, she gets a reward or prize. So she has a goal to work towards. But again, the key is being consistent with it. Which isn't easy to do. Again, if you would like to pm me, please feel free. We can share ideas and just support one another. Good luck! You are definitely not alone.