MIL Visit

I think a month is way too long for her to visit. 2 weeks is plenty, and MORE than enough! Tell your husband he needs to tell her she can only stay two weeks and if she stays longer, she must stay in a hotel. If she is staying at your home and you are displacing someone from their bedroom, then 2 weeks is bad enough for them. Whatever you do, do not give up the master bedroom. She has no right to be in there. EVER. Also, put a knob on the door that has a lock and keeo it locked any time you are not in there. She has no right to meddle in your stuff. If she goes through other stuff in the house, at least the private stuff is kept away from her. If you catch her snooping, tell her to her face to stop. Someone has to put her foot down and it looks like your need to do it with your husband;s help. Good luck! The more I think about it, even two weeks is a long time to have someone in your home. Tell her one week in your house and one week is a hotel is fine. Offer to help pay for the hotel if you are able, unless she has plenty of money. It is rude to think it is okay to stay with someone for that long, very rude.

How can your husband think it's ok to allow her to visit given all you have said? I don't know why she's allowed to come at all but for a MONTH? That's crazy. If she comes, she should stay in a hotel. From the sound of it, she has no boundaries or respect for any of you. I feel for you. :( If you are going to let her stay in your lives, it has to be on YOUR terms.

Ouch! I agree with Chrystine A, a month is a long time for ANYONE to visit!! LOL My long time best friend from Canada just came to visit me and he stayed with us at our place for 2 and a half weeks and was already kinda getting on my nerves... my best friend!! Let alone someone I don't get along with! lol

Well, I see you already got lots of great advice, so all I am going to say is that I will say a little prayer for you tonight! Stay strong, and remember to not stay "bitter" when she does something to irk you because bitterness is bad for YOUR heart. (and I'm sure there will be at least one thing that she will do that will bug you within a month!).

The way you see people is the way you treat them. How you treat them is what they become.

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kill her with kindness. Be polite, respectful, pay her compliments. Maybe she won't feel the competitive urge to meddle so much.

Then find neutral things to say to her criticisms that sound like you're agreeing with her but you're not really committing to doing things her way. Ex: "Oh, that's a good point." "hey, I'll have to think about that." " I can see your point of view." Then ignore her and do things your way anyway.

However don't let your usual rules, discipline or household routines slide because she disagrees with them. If you do your son will get a mixed message about what's acceptable and what's not. If she undermines your discipline, ask your husband to have a private conversation with his mother, saying something like, "Our son knows that our rule is XYZ and that the penalty for breaking it is such-and-such. When you try to change the rules or criticize his mother for enforcing them, you're undermining her authority AND MINE as a parent and sending him the message that it's OK to disregard the rules WE have established for him." Maybe your MIL is less likely to challenge the household rules if the talk is coming from her son as opposed to you.

Finally, while she is staying with you, plan frequent outings for just yourself -- either go for a walk alone, go shopping/errands alone or schedule a few short dates with some friends. This will give you a break from MIL and a chance to vent! Good luck!

Sounds like we have the same MIL.

I can barely tolerate my MIL for a few hours, I wish you all the luck and patience in the world trying to deal with yours for a month.

That said, the best way I have found to deal with my MIL is to KILL HER WITH KINDNESS and ALWAYS TAKE THE HIGH ROAD. This is the only way to save your sanity and ensure that you have no regrets.

Being nothing but completely kind to her will only highlight how awful she is to you. It will be glaringly obvious to others (and hopefully to her) how out of line she is.

If the situation gets too intense, you may need your husband to run interference for you. Let him know ahead of time that you may need him to step up and put his mom in her place if she really starts to get out of control.

And don't leave her alone in the house if you think she would really go through your belongings. That's just crazy!

Best of luck to you!!

Hi S., A whole month huh? there's things you can do, if there are things you don't want her going through try and put them in locked desk drawers, or boxes under the bed, since you are a SAHM maybe you can haves some plans in place that will not only keep her busy, but maybe you two can bond as well. Also It can't hurt to talk to your husband about what you are feeling, and ask him for his total support during this visist, specially with your 3 year old, my MIL was the opposite of what you are describing, i'm a mil but I told my son and my daughtet in law if i ever come close to medling loveingly let me know. If I was you I would also put a lock on your;s and your husband bedroom door, if she asks you why you did that, you could just tell her it;s to keep your son out while you are not in there. Try and be pleasent, maybe it will wear off on her, but try and keep her busy. J. L.

I really sympathize with your situation. She sounds like a toxic person. My question is, how was it decided that she is coming to visit at your house for a month, if your husband knows your history with her and that she has also manipulated him emotionally in the past?

She can't come to visit at your house unless she is INVITED to do so. I would talk with my husband immediately about your concerns and let him know that from your point of view, it would be acceptable for her to come and visit you but not stay overnight at your home. Have him call her and let her know that this is an inconvenient time for her overnight visits, but that perhaps she could visit for a brief period of time and stay at a nearby hotel. If it bothers him that you don't want her at your house overnight, you could let him know that you will help her with the cost of the hotel for a brief visit.
Bottom line is, set the boundaries with him and your MIL. Don't agree to something you are not comfortable with. You have to do what you can to protect your family from toxic influences, which it sounds like your MIL has a tendency to be.
Also, when you do interact with her, be pleasant, polite, kind and cordial to her always, if for no other reason than that she is your husband's mom. Without her, you would not have your husband in your life at all.

Best of luck,
J.

A month is too long for anyone to visit. I'm actually of the mind that 3 days is the maximum amount of time that anyone should visit another, family or not.

I know it is not easy to tell you MIL that she can't visit for such a long period of time and she probably doesn't have the finances that would allow her to stay in at a hotel for an entire month so do what you can not to be drawn up into her drama. Think of her as being an outrageous cartoon character who thinks and behaves in outrageous ways consistently and you may actually get a good chuckle during her visit.

Also, I know that our parks and rec has some great classes, day trips and activities for seniors. I would seriously think about getting her hooked up with some of these goings on while she is there. If she is out of your house part of the time, meeting other people and doing something fun, then maybe she'll be less troublesome when she is at your house.

Good luck.

Hi S.,

If the "kill her with kindess" approach fails (which it might, because it could just cement in her mind that she is superior to you), you might try my husband's approach. My mom treated him the same way as your MIL is treating you. There was nothing I could say or do to help the situation, since she treated me like a child, too. My husband finally got fed up with it and just stood up to my mom, effectively "putting her in her place", although in a very nice and respectful way. The funny thing was, as soon as she realized that he just wasn't going to roll over and take it, she started treating him respectfully. I took my cue from my hubby and tried the same approach. Miracle of miracles -- it worked!

What worked in my family will not necessarily work in yours, but it might be worth a shot, at least as a last resort. BTW, I suggest you let your hubby know what your intend to try before you do so, so that he can support you.

Good LUCK! I'm starting to think that MIL problems are worse than almost any childrearing problems that can arise.

just try to be as polite as possible. hide stuff you dont want her to find, ask your husband to defend you if she gets crazy, and lock your self in the bathroom with a glass of wine, a good book and a bubble bath. LOL!

How about planning ALOT of activities while she is here. Go to every event and park possible, it can minimize the amount of time you are closely stuck together. Also, get her overly involved, like ask her to help with everything. something like "oh, I love your recipe for ______, can you show me how to make it?" and do that at least once a week. Maybe even draw some lines early on, "like oh, this is our special time together". Make sure you talk with your hubby before the visit, get on the same page. And if things get really bad, Stand Up for yourself and your family!
if she is so whacko she is going through your things lock them up! and just for kicks put something oddly uncomfortable on top of your private papers and things like sex toys or dirty magazines. It may detour her from looking further, if not you can at least have a giggle that she had to go through those things to get to them and confront her about it.
Lastly, stock up on some wine now!
Hoping for the best for you!

S., first of all, I would like to suggest to you to ignore the nasty comments that some ladies leave on here. This site is all about helping other mom's not putting them down or making them feel bad.
With regards to your MIL, I would set up some ground rules with your husband and maybe even have a code phrase that you can use when you have reached your limit and need to get away. I do believe that it is very important to allow your son to have a relationship with his grandma however she must respect you as a parent. My mom is a lovely person, mom & friend however she can step over the line at time and I always try to immediatly address whatever bothers me so that I don't build resentment towards her. Be strong, be firm and be kind. Just be glad its only a month and not a permanent move. (knock on wood)

A MONTH! No advice, but, I feel for you. I feel really bad for you! I don't want anyone to visit me for a month.

Hi S.:
While I would agree,that a month is quite an extended visit,I think, for your good,as well as everyone else in the household,you should take a deep breath,and calm down.Your comments regarding your MIL and her meddling,prying,manipulation of her son and disregard for your rules,come across as over exaggerated. If she lives a distance,where she must travel to stay,she couldn't be that big of a thorn in your side.It suggest that most of your complaints stem from phone calls,which you have control over.You can't manipulate,someone who isn't present.Is this something your husband has admitted, or that you've pointed out to him? It sounds to me,as though you and your MIL have had words in the past,and you can't or won't get past that. My advice would be to (Move On) Everyone grows from their experiences,good or bad. While you may not have been exactly, who she had hoped for in a daughter in-law,she realizes her son loves you,and she will try a little harder to get along with you,to please her son.You need to show an effort that your trying to get along with her,so your husband doesn't feel put in the awkward position of choosing between his mother and his wife.You have rules set for your son,that's fine.However,don't make the mistake,of cheating him of having a grandmother and Grandson relationship. She isn't expected to be the disciplinarian,while there. She's simply there to love him,and build a bond.When mom and dad seem unfair,Grandma is someone he can talk to. Regardless of what your feelings are toward her,this relationship is healthy for your son. Before she arrives,I would work on keeping an open mind,and an optimistic attitude. She may surprise you. I wish you the best.J. M

Hi S.,
Sorry to hear about your troubles. Unfortunately, it's how it is with especially MIL. I went throught the same situation with mine after I married my husband. My MIL was always in the way, tops my rules even when were were several states across globe! She calls and talk to my kids then I find out from them that she tells them the total opposite of my rules in the house and reminding them that I'm just a step mom...it hurts me so. Especially when my older kids mom ran away with another man taking every furniture including my step kids beds and all their clothing and toys leaving my now hubby and step children struggling after twelve years of marriage. I met my now hubby six months afer his divorce was finalized. I was more heartbroken after I was brought home when we first met, and saw the condition they were all in. We fell inlove, got married and laid my plans out on the most priority. The kids. I worked hard to recreat what was damage and gave my older kids everything they never had and taught them family togetherness. Then my MIL got involved. My hubby was so wrapped around her finger he couldn't see what I saw in her. She calls and if I answer the phone, no hello, how are you, love you, etc., nothing. It's a simple, "where's my son" demand. I finally stepped in after five years of marriage and gave my husband the choice. Either he moves out to live with his mom or act a married man and acknowledge that he has a wife who is raising his kids and worked hard to put happiness in the home since his ex took off. It was hard for him but he finally came around. He also for the first time, stepped up and did his part. My MIL was not very happy but I took over laying the law and respectfully told my MIL that its my house, my family, eventhough my kids are not my birth ones, but I worked hard to replenish what was taken away from them and built them high to happiness, and not a single child support, no letter for their birthdays, no phone calls to talk to them, not a visit even for the holidays, etc. So why punish me for being the good samaritan who has nothing to do with the situation? I told her if she thinks she can run my house, she's wrong but either act a grandma or don't bother. Three years of having nothing to do with each other, I was shocked when my hubby handed me a card from the mail. It was from my MIL. It broke my heart to read her emotional apology and coming to the realization that I was right all along, she finally realized that I AM her grandkids MOTHER and accepted that I did so much for them than their own mother. We paid for her round trip ticket to Hawaii. I was nervous wreck but I had my faith. We had a great time, we all got along so well, and then for the first time, her tears of love as we boarded her to her flight back home. We were the best of friends since, I sent her letters, something she never experienced, sent her gifts on special occassions, she never experienced that too, called her to check on her if she's alright, ensure my kids keep intouch with her, and I never let go at her bedside when she was holding on to her last days on earth. She thanked me for opening her eyes and teaching her a whole different side of life she never experienced. I thanked her for accepting me and I never blamed her for interfering and understand the pain and heartache her son went through after his ex took off. Mama passed away and my older kids graduated and off to the military with few more siblings following their footsteps. My advise, talk to your husband and ensure to him that YOU ARE HIS WIFE. You deserve the same respect as he does. Let him know what bothers and could be an emotional heartbreak if you MIL is not treating you with respect and fairness since you are now one. The cord has to be cut somewhere. Acknowledge that ITS YOUR HOUSE with rules thats expected to be followed and respected. It's easy to just budge in interfere with your family life but no one else is around your family 24/7 but you. You husband has a responsibility and that's to convince his mother of her place and yours. She will have to be their grandma. Not the boss. It's all your husband and his job to do the right thing....good luck

First off don't let her put you on your guard. Make her feel welcome.Put thing away you really do not want her looking at.If she tries breaking your rules. Tell her in a nice way that all children are not the same & they do not come with instruction. Tell her that you think she did a good job raising your husband.But that this is your home & your son & you would appreciate her respecting you & your home & your rules. And if she tries to change your rules or something you told you son he can or can not do.Send your son out of the room & tell her your glad she came but,if does not agree with something that she is not to go behind your back & let your son do it, or argue with your decision in front of him. Good Luck!

wow my mil is like that too and i live with her! and my husband is the same way. i know how you feel.
what i would suggest is that she stay in a hotel so you do have time apart. also tell your husband that you want to make a rule list and post it where you know she will see (like on the fridge). its going to be stressfull for you and that will feed her need to push your buttons. tell your husband that he acts different when his mom is around. also explain to your son (even though hes 3) that your rules for him still apply when grandma is here.
your going to have to take it one day at a time. try not to give her the satisfaction of getting to you.

This is a hard one. I'm responding as very curious what kind of advice you will get. All i can think of is make the best of it. Wow a month is a long time. A week or two would be more than enough from the sounds of her.

Hi S.,

First, make sure your husband is totally on board with boundries for his mom. He'll need to stand up to her; make sure he's willing to do this or you'll come off as a total shrew.

Second, practice delivering a kind, polite, yet very firm, declaration of independence, if she really goes over the top. Again, your husband will need to back you 110% on this. If he's not willing to do this, I don't know what to say.

Easier said, than done, I know. My mom was very much as you describe when she used to visit me and I had to stand up to her and tell her this was my life, I was raising my sons my way (not hers...well, it was hers 25 years ago, but she forgot all that), and, most importantly, it was my house and she better treat me with respect in it or she could go stay at a hotel. She pushed (verbally) right back and I was compelled to tell her that if she wasn't willing to play by my rules in my house, she was no longer welcome in my life or in the life of her grandsons. That got her attention. When she turned on my husband, all he did was look at her and say that he supported me 110%. End of discussion and we were on a long road to recovery (it's been 11 years and we're actually getting along great).

Most importantly, don't engage. Do your thing, and be ready for the commentary with polite, serene come backs and responses. My favorites were "Hmmmm...ok, I'll think about that after you're gone." or "I'll put that on my list," or "Your opinion of me is really none of my business." It's really hard for someone to argue by themselves.

Good luck.

PS: Going through your stuff? That's really weird. Locks sound like a great idea.

Hi S.,

My advice would be to find a girlfriend, or a blog or something to vent to! It is extremely important under those circumstances to be able to vent your frustrations! Believe me... I know this first hand!! My MIL comes to visit for 2 weeks at a time, every 3 months!! yes... every 3 months! And I mean living with us, in our house (and only one bathroom, I might add) LOL

Just get someone to vent to, put on your best smiling face and know that this is a good thing for your son (especially) to see his Grandma. My son LOVES his Grandma that comes to visit... so I HAVE to be nice and put up with it.... hahaha!!

Good luck! And email me if you need someone to chat with!!

D.

I know sometimes it is hard for a MIL to admit that someone has "stolen her baby away from her" and she is not in charge.
I am a big chart person so my first thought was to make a BIG, bright, schedule and put it on the wall. Do what ever necessary to keep to it.

My mom comes over and insists that my son obey rules I think are totally unnecessary. If it is a favor for her ie. please do this for me, I ask him to be kind to his grandma and do it. If she tells him that he can't do something I will tell her calmly but firmly that in my house this is not a rule or a problem and he does not have to obey that, then I will kneel down at his height and ask him to make some compromise of her rule, "just this once, as a favor for grandma". At first it took her a while to accept this. Now it usually takes her a day or so to remember that this is MY house, MY family, MY way.

Discuss this with your husband and son before she gets there. If your husband supports you all the better, if he doesn't at least make sure he is not going to go against you in front of her. Let your son know that "we love grandma, but she has a different way of doing things. It is important that we keep OUR rules here in OUR home. We will always be nice to her, but occasionally I may have to do things differently than she wants me to. If you have any questions please come and ask me."

As far as her mistreatment of you, there really isn't anything you can do, you can't make a person act reasonably. You can decide how you will act! Don't let her influence your actions, she is not worthy of taking over how you respond! Whatever she does, be a calm, mature person and give her no reason to treat you badly. If she chooses to do so anyway, it is simply sad, she is only hurting herself and missing out on a good relationship with you. You can pity her.
Good Luck.

OMG! My grandmother was just like that. You need to be the advocate for your family. You need to talk to your husband and let him know exactly what your expectations are. You both need to be united. and know that your husband might buckle under his mother for so long. Do not leave your son alone with her, she sounds scary.
I don't know that you want her there that long. Have a back up plan, like trading her ticket in for an earlier flight. Does she have any old friends in the area? Can you invite them over or invite her to their house. She is there a month. she is not a guest. not after that long. when she gets there, sit her down (take son to babysitters?) and explain the rules. Then explain the consequences AND STICK TO THEM. You wouldn't let your son get away with it. don't let her. Call her on the stuff she does, EVERY TIME. be prepared to kick her out. This is going to be super super hard for you. work in some you time.
plan stuff. do a zoo, or disneyland, or something while she is there. Something that your son will enjoy too.
Good luck
R.

I am an MIL myself. My advice is to set rules with your MIL before she arrives. Have your husband agree to them and then tell her she is welcome, but there will be a few rules. Your rules, I don't know what they will be. Let her know that you are the wife, and mother............she is not.............If she doesn't want to abide with the rules, don't let her come or have her stay in a rental.
This is the only way you will have peace in the home during her visit. You want a good peaceful time with her and your husband and child want that too. She doesn't respect you and this must come to an end with you getting some nerve.

Hi S.,
Any chance of having your husband to convince her to shorten her stay to only a week? A month seems like a long time to have to have any person living with you, especially someone that is emotionally abusive. And given that your husband is aware of her emotionally harmful behavior I am surprised that he would want to deal with that. Additionally, I wonder why he would want to subject his wife and child to that kind of treatment. I don't think he's as far along in this process as you think.
Dr. Laura has a book called Bad Childhood, Good Life. There was some great advice on how to deal with difficult parents as an adult. Perhaps you should give it to him as a gift.

Hi S.
One thing is for sure - if you continually ignore the situation and let her come to visit without setting ground rules - things will never change - I honestly believe that confronting the situation head on is the best way to handle any matter that involves people like you have described - I also feel that because it is your husbands mother that it is really HIS responsibility to protect his family and say what I am going to share with you - but if he is not willing or is unable to you can still do it - Here is what I would say (and it is NOT going to be easy to do but WILL be very worth it)

[her name] when you come to visit it would be nice if everyone could enjoy your company. However in order for this to happen I believe there are certain ground rules that need to be established. Then list her behaviour that you do not appreciate and tell her that this type of behaviour is NOT acceptable and will NOT be tolerated. If she doesn't feel she can abide by these rules then perhaps it would be better to hold her visit until such time that she feels she can. This is a short version of the process I go through with people with this behaviour. I sit down and write out what I want to say - I try to leave all emotion out of it - and just mention her behaviour - how it makes me or us feel - and what behaviour you expect from her. Here is a sample.

When my son and I are having a disagreement and I am trying to parent him, I need you to stand back and let me do my job as a parent. Although I do appreciate your years of experience, I do feel that as his parent it is ultimately mine and my husbands responsibility to parent him. Yes we may make mistakes and if you have any suggestions that you would like to share with us, then we would appreciate you doing so in private away from his ears. We believe in being a united front as his parents and would appreciate you respecting our methods of doing things when in our home.

Anyway something like that. I know it will be difficult and you may NOT feel like doing it but to keep the peace in the home it is the best method. Now if she still continues to interfere in front of your child you MUST make that child follow YOUR instructions. You can NOT give up that control as it will be very detrimental to your relationship with him down the road.

My mother came to visit me and my daughter (who at the time was between 12 - 18 months old) and we went shopping, now the rule was when we go shopping my daughter has to stay in the cart at all times - and before we leave the car I go over the rules with her so my mother heard the rules and knew what they were (hahahah like that was going to matter). Well grandma was there so of course my daughter thinks she can get away with things being different. Half way through shopping my daughter asked if she could get down - of course I said NO she needs to stay in the cart until we are finished shopping. My mother heard me tell my daughter this and went behind my back (I was literally turned around) and took my daughter out of the cart and put her on the floor. I could not believe that my mother could be so disrespectful of my descision. So I picked up my daughter and put her back in the cart and told her that she is my child and has to abide by my rules. My daughter started screaming and crying and making a huge fuss that made me feel like the meanst person in the world. I mustered up all the strength I could and told my daughter that it did not matter how much she screamed that she was NOT going to be allowed to get out of the cart until we reached the car and if she continuted to scream she would receive a spanking when we reached the car. Of course she did not want that so she quited down and never made another fuss about it. Well I was so angry with my mother for what she did I didn't want her to get in the car with me. Of course I let her. But as we were driving back home. I told my mother in a very calm but stern manner that I did not want to discuss what happened but I did want to tell her that I did not appreciate her behaviour going against what I had established as a rule with my child and that further interferrance with the raising of my child will not be acceptable. And in order for any futher visits by her to my home she must be willing to accept my house rules or her visits will not be welcomed.

Well S. - I truly from the bottom of my heart wish you all the best in this situation. I would be very interested in learning of what happened during your mother-in-laws visit, please let us know.