I have an extremely difficult mother in law who has never liked me because I 'took her son away from her'. She criticizes virtually everything I do, especially if I do it better than her. Everything is my fault including my husbands health issues(see my other posts), everytime my kids are sick it is because they are 'dirty'. She has never treated my son like her biological grandchild even though my husband has adopted him and treats him like his son. She has told me not to have sex with her son etc. We actually moved ten hours away to get away from her and she and her husband are visiting this weekend. I am already panicking. I enjoy my peaceful home and I already feel invaded and attacked. I am seriously considering buying a bottle and taking sips through thd weekend. My husband has offered to put me and the kids up in a hotel which is sweet but won't solv anything. My husband says she is crazy like this because she is Mexican but I think it is because she WILL NOT listen or respect anyone. I need to figure out how to relax and deal with her. Any tips? Mother in laws please chime in! I should mention my husband has always without fail stood up for me and my son. Hehas threatened to cut her out of his life but I told him not to. I should also mention I am not a drinker but I would consider it for the weekend-that is how desperate I am.
Added: she doesn't say much to my face-she chooses to say it to my husband in Spanish in front of me or when I leave the room. I always can tell when she has been nasty because my husband will raise his voice(he never does) and his body language is agitated. Ir she will wait to call him and give her opinions. She knows my rules we have told her bunches of times she will not listen to anyone-even when her own husband tells her to be quiet. I just get so frustrated when people aren't logical.
I have also considered being everything she thinks I am thus weekend by not cooking, spending 'his' money, bossing him around etc.
The weekend will end - don't respond to her critcisms, don't engage in a battle of the wills, do suggest neutral topics ("I'm thinking of adding a flower bed along the sidewalk - do you know what flowers are the hardiest for this climate?") and remember that the weekend WILL end and she will leave. SMALL sips from a secret stashed bottle might help, too. :) Good luck.
You asked for MIL perspective so here is mine. First, I hope I'm not this crazy and critical. I know I would NEVER treat your son as anything less than my own grandson. That part really bugged me. That said, I have one SIL who has been very critical of me and makes under his breath comments like he thinks my hearing is that bad or I'm just stupid. Two SIL's who give me big hugs and make great eye contact and if they say anything bad about me, it must be behind my back. One DIL who is always the first to jump up and help me and always hugs me hello and goodbye. Guess who I like to be around and guess who I'm nicest to? Yup, the last three. Since you have a healthy distance separating you, try pouring on the charm, compliment her style with the kids, tell her "can you talk some sense into your son?" if she starts in on you about his lifestyle choices and his diabetes (In fact, maybe you could say, you are so good with the kids, can you give some extra attention to x (your oldest son) - he wants you to be his grandma, too. See if being chummy helps. I know I would react differently to the SIL #1, if he was different to me. In fact, I think I'll take my own advice and try to be really nice to him over the holiday. Otherwise, grin and bear it and be glad for the 10 hour distancing. Good luck!
Question: why didn't your husband offer to put his PARENTS up in a hotel? Seems like that would be the better solution all around.
Drinking won't help (and she'll only start complaining about you being an alcoholic).
Relax.
Smile sweetly.
Tune her out.
If push comes to shove,
you can remind her that considering your relative age difference,
it's a pretty good bet you'll be out living her
and you are looking forward to it.
My heart goes out to you!!
You are very, very blessed to have a husband who stands up for you. His love and respect for you is clear. As terrible as it sounds, many husbands (and wives) do not stand up for their spouses with a disrespectful mother, because they are also afraid of the mother's disapproval. This woman has gone wwwaaaayyyyyy beyond the tolerable limits, from what you've described.
The truth is, you will not be able to make your mother-in-law happy. Ever. Nothing you do will work. She could have a change of heart some time in her life--a road to Tarsus kind of experience--but you can't prompt it.
So, the question is, does your husband want to see her? If he is also past the point of wanting to be with her, then let him cut her out of his life, or tell her that this is what will happen if she doesn't follow some very specific ground rules involving respect. Then, follow through. Make her leave, or you and ALL of the kids leave (not just your son), and deprive her of a visit with grandchildren. I doubt the threat alone will change her behavior. Following through with the threat might. In any case, she will have received a warning and chosen the consequences by continuing her disrespect. That can help ease the guilt a nice person like you feels over cutting her out.
If your husband doesn't really want to cut her entirely out of his life, must he see her in your home with you there? Your mother-in-law's behavior has the consequence of limiting the time he can spend with her, and makes it inappropriate to have her in his home. He can visit with his parents in their home.
Drinking will just add fuel to the fire, and you already know that.
Let us know how it goes.
Wow, as a MIL I don't exist in these descriptions. I love my daughter in law and wouldn't trade her for the world. We do things together and that is not what I read about here. It takes about six hours to get there from my home but all is cool and I even have a key to the house (I got the key before son was married and was building the house).
If I felt unfavorable toward my DIL I would be the one staying at a hotel and visiting for a few hours and going back to the room to chill.
Make a stand, don't leave your home for someone who is not on the mortgage or deed as they have no say so in what goes on under your roof. Let hubby inform mom of the rules if she can't cooperate she has to go. Hubby can go see mom at her house.
I will keep you in my thoughts for a sane visit. Do keep us posted.
The other S.
What's that saying a leopard doesn't change spots and she is not going to change.
Hi,
Put the hotel/motel reservation in HER name and then have your DH let her know when he is available or what time meals and activities are. When she is around just pretend she isn't.
Best Wishes!
Rent a motel room for them so they dont spend the night at your house. Visit, dont argue with her, its only for a weekend, you can do it. At least you arent having to spend T-day and Christmas with her..... that's what these "before the holiday" visits are all about.
It is good that your hub is agreeing with you.... I'm sure you guys can get throught the visit and then "poof" she'll be gone ;)
WOW -I was thinking, "Typical nightmare MIL" until I got to the part where she asked you not to have sex with her son?!?! Oh my! I certainly don't think being Mexican has anything to do with it. I think being a disrespectful, trouble-causing and off-balance b!tch probably does! My grandparents were nowhere in the running with this woman, and my mother always felt this way when they were going to visit. She wasn't a drinker either, but always said she wanted a bottle when they were around! Honestly, this woman is so ugly that I think I would take my husband up on his offer of a hotel for you and your son. Really, if she's this unbalanced and is only going to cause you trouble, pain, anger and frustration -what's the point? You and your children could be having a lovely getaway! Do some special things with them, relax and enjoy yourselves. She's not going to change, and given her feelings for you -you'll never act in any way or do anything to change her. There's nothing to "solve" here because you can't make her behave on your own. In the future, I would make it a rule that unless she DOES radically change, they cannot come to your house -your husband can go see them. I'm very happy that he stands up for you and is on the right side!
get some zanax from your doctor to help ease the stress
Firstly, BRAVO to your husband for taking a stand against the MIL in favor of his family. ALLOT of husbands don't so you're on the plus side there.
Secondly, I have to ask how she is with the kids (other than the one who isn't biologically hers). I ask because my ex MIL was HORRIBLE to me but treated the kids like gold. I would also be totally against her coming if she made your son feel inadequate. It WILL effect them later. Contrary to thinking they don't pick up on those slights, they will and do.
I would NOT drink while she is there. Maybe take a low dose valium if you have one or xanax just to take the edge off and let her come to the house. alcohol will only make you do or say things you will wish you hadn't later. You DO know she does those nasty things to you because she knows you'll get riled up about it, right? My ex MIL was JUST LIKE THAT (she offered me money to leave her son because I as "white trash").
The day I decided to simply let her be the angry harmful sad excuse for a human, is the day she stopped effecting my life/emotions.
This is a power play you don't need to be involved in. Let her make her snarky remarks. Let her be angry and sad. Then tell her you are sorry she feels that way and simply walk off. TRUST me...it works. And in the end, you can sit with your bottle of Moscato (which is FABULOUS BTW) after she leaves and think to yourself...she didn't get me this time, you are the one that "won" this battle and you have a loving caring family to show for it.
Easier said than done I know.
Sending good thoughts your way.
I understand completely what you are going through. My mil was here for the entire month of October!! She isn't as bad as yours but pretty close. I work out of the house so I was stuck with her nonstop. I about went nuts!! It took all I had to not go off on her. The only reason why I didn't was out of respect for my husband. But I did tell her what I thought at times. Just be grateful that it's for a weekend and not a month! Have you and your husband put some ground rules down for her. Like for instance explain to her that your home is a drama free zone and that you will not tolerate rudeness, accusations, or disrespectness. That you would like to have a nice visit and if that isn't possible then they can find another place to stay. It is your house, your family and your rules. If she can't respect and abide by them, then she should not be welcomed in your home. It would be the same in her house, she wouldn't want to feel invaded in her home, would she? Just because she is "family" doesn't give her the right to say or do whatever and expect you to take it without a problem. From one frustrated dil to another, speak your expectations, and try to not let it stress you out. Breathe in and breathe out. Good luck!!
i'm so glad your husband is supportive, and what a star you are for opening your home to someone so difficult. also wise for restricting the visit to a single weekend<G>. put up mental shields before she arrives, and plan to respond to every nutty statement with a polite smile and 'do you really think so? how interesting!' and don't let her needle you. the only time you need to emerge from behind your protective barriers is if she's doing or saying something you don't like in regards to the kids. then you can go mama tiger on her. but even then, as soon as the incident is over return to your peaceful protected mental space. remember, no one can bug you without your permission. (easier said than done, i know.)
good luck!
:) khairete
S.
Can you find things to do with the kids this weekend? Go for a hike or to a museum. Maybe go Chrismas shopping for a few hours just to give yourself that break that it sounds like you will need.
Best of luck for the weekend. Drinking solves nothing as you have read and she doesn't need any fuel for the fire.
Let us know how it goes.
I think it's great that your husband will at least stand up for you and take your side. This should at least make things a little more toloerable with her. I know a few husbands who would just make the'mselves scarce around the house for that weekend because they can't be bothered or don't want to get involved with "women's arguments". There are plenty who don't have the nerve to stand up to their mothers. So, at least it's not like it's you against everyone else in the house. Just know that your husband has your back. Try your best to shrug it off and be polite that way you and always appear to the the better person who is civil and intellegent. Plus, your husband would be so proud of the way you handled his mother. And you will have no regrets.
i definatley would not go to a hotel room (you're leaving your home because someone makes you uncomfortable?? no no no!!) that will teach mil she can come over any time and you will leave even though YOU live there. I would make your husband call her and KINDLY ask her to respect your wishes, dont' ridicule anyone, and don't critisise if critisism is not asked for. Then maybe also gently let her know that it YOUR house YOUR rules and you guys will make the calls. then if she doesn't respect you in your own home ask her to leave.
