MIL Dilemma (And Some Venting)

Just go and stay and enjoy, she has no choice since you are her sons wife, sounds like she has jealousy issues. If I were you I'd go and just be a happy cheerful person, bitter angry people hate that.

This is a tough one. I would go to MIL but wouldn't recommend it to others! (I let go easily, my husband says I'm like Teflon, nothing sticks on me!)
Do you have other options? (friends, cousins...) that would be less direct provocation than a hotel?
3 years ago, we had the same situation with my MIL. We visited Spain but didn't want to stay at her place. We stayed at my husband's grandma instead, arguing that we wanted to be fair to both of them.

I assume that you intend to remain married to your husband for the next five years, if not 25 years... So, my question to you is whether you want this situation to determine and define your relationship with your MIL? You can either let it go or you can let it weigh you down for the next decade or two.

It puts your husband in a very awkward situation. If it was me, I'd endeavor to let it go as a show of respect and love for him (and his feelings). Go ahead and tell him that in advance of your trip--and that you expect roses and jewelry when you get home... ;-)

I have the MIL from hell. She has admitted on several occassions of trying to sabotage my marriage with her son. For years I tipped toed around her and tried to deal with her behavior to make things easier for my husband. After the behavior started to affect my relationship with my kids, mainly because she verbally trashed me around them when I wasn't around, I had to take a stand. Your husband needs to stand up for you to his mother or it will never get better and her behavior will effect your kids. Yes, it is his mother but you are the mother of his child and unless he wants his own child to be affected he needs to realize that her behavior is unacceptable. Stay in a hotel because at the very least your child doesn't need to be around all that stress.

I think you initially apologized for your demeanor to not have more hostility in your house for the remainder of her stay, then realized hey this is my house and I am apologizing for who I am? But I'm sure you can see that it made your last few days with her less painful. You don't think she will be cordial when you stay with her? Why don't you tell hubs that ok, we'll stay with your mom, but ONE outburst or bad behavior and ALL of you are going to a hotel. I think that is a fair compromise.

Is it the truth that you don’t like her as much as she doesn't like you? Is your husband’s family the hugging, kissing kind and you are not from that kind of family? OR is your husband’s mother the kind of person who holds the attitude, “If I’m not happy no one is going to be happy”?

Since you already hugged and apologized from the last blow up at your home, your “new found anger” is sort of misplaced. You are angry at yourself for buckling under pressure.

Under the circumstances, I would recommend giving it another try and stay at your husband’s mothers home this time. However let your husband know beforehand, IF his mother pulls another scene about “your personality or your attitude” while you are there, you will (meaning YOU) will address it with her, get it resolved and/or either go directly to a hotel or home.

Yeah, this kind of family dynamics suck, but trust me, you are not alone and the only resolution is to deal with it because your husband loves you and he loves his family.

Blessings…….

I agree with going, staying with her, but setting up the expectations up front. Any outbursts and you are off to a hotel - this visit and all others. Treating someone disrespectfully (especially in their home) is unacceptable. My mother did a similar thing to my husband once while staying at our house. She completed her stay, but the next two times she stayed at a hotel. I supported my husband although it was tough - I wished it could just "pass" by, but it won't... so I did the right thing and held firm. That was two years ago - and so far three visits later, so good. Follow you gut, explain to your husband you need his support and then set the groundrules.

I'm so sorry. I personally relate to all you've said. Sucks. My personal opinion is that grace and congeniality are lost arts. They take effort and skill, and the lack of them has helped with the deterioration of our social society. In other words (not knowing if, even now after 20 years of marriage, I would be happy doing this) suck-it-up cupcake, and go to MIL's house. Everything that ever happens to you will not make you 'comfortable' and you need to deal with it as-is. Your MIL is a jerk and obviously has lost the ability to be a kind person. Dont you lose it.

Like most people have said, I'd stay at her house and see how it goes. I can't stand my MIL but my husband loves her so I'm very polite and pleasant but avoid her as much as possible. If she blows up, I'd look at her with disdain and refuse to fight back. And use the occassion to say that staying with her is obviously too stressful for her so next time there's a family occassion, you'll be more than happy to stay in a hotel. You don't want to bother her... I'd tell your husband that ahead of time so he's on board. Then she'll look like the crazy idiot she is and can't criticize you for not staying with her. (or maybe she will but no one will care). Good luck!

You apologized if you'd done anything wrong (whether you did or not), and after that you were cordial and polite for the couple of days before she left.
Now, the more you think about it, the angrier you become.
My advice is to not let those afterthoughts creep in.
Try staying with her, but have a back up plan. Make sure you have somewhere else to go. Check on hotel reservation ability in your area.

Keep in mind that she may feel this is behind you. Even though she said things that weren't nice, etc, you did hug and left on good terms so maybe this visit will be actually nice.
I think you should give it a try, but like I said, make sure you have Plan B.
Don't huff off at the first squint or hint of a squirmish, but give it a try.
Maybe things will be calm enough on a happy note for you to say...
"We just never know what to say or do that won't upset you and we feel bad about that."
That pretty much puts it back in her court and maybe she will be the one to apologize this time.
Try it first and have a back up plan.

I hope it works out well for you.

i would stay at a hotel. if asked why, say we just want some privacy, this is some sort of a getaway for our family too etc.
i would not stay and walk on eggshells

I vote for the hotel! Why put your family in an uncomfortable situation if it's not necessary? I would just let your husband know that it's not okay for his mom to treat you in that matter and that you will not be staying at her house. Period.

All you need to say, to ANY of her comments, is, "I am sorry you feel that way." Do not elaborate. The issue is her, not you, so don't let her MAKE you the issue. If she persists, say, "I am going to give you a little time to yourself and we can talk when you are feeling better." Yes, that is the type of thing you would say to a five year old who is throwing a tantrum, but, really, isn't that exactly how she is behaving?

Sometimes MIL just needs a time out.

I would guess your MIL is a very anxious person and that her anxiety spills out into the world in the form of anger and confrontation because she has no better coping skills. When you defend yourself or even just try to reason with her you are just ramping up her anxiety, even though it is not your intention to do so. The fact that you describe your husband as anxious is revealing. Anxious Mom, anxious kid...

You are not a doctor who can write a prescription for Zoloft or a psychiatrist who can get to the bottom of her feelings. All you can do is refuse to engage. So if you must stay with her, please try these tactics. The chances are she feels terrible and embarassed after one of her explosions (no one likes to feel out of control) so if you can gently head them off at the pass it will be a blessing to both of you, to say nothing of your husband!

I'd go and stay at her house. When your mil stays at your place you probably think you are treating her well but from what you've outlined I have a hunch that you don't really want her there because she could start a huge issue at any minute. So most likely that's coming across in some way. Relationships with inlaws are tough because you are juggling your hubby's feelings and your own. So go and see what happens. If it becomes a nightmare then that's your que to get a hotel from now on.

I agree that you absolutely should not apologize for who you are.

I'm wondering if you can let everything go and take your MIL with a grain of salt, since you know how she is? In other words, detach yourself from her emotionally. Should she blow up at you, leave the room, leave the house, whatever. In that case, just don't give her the time of day.
Other times, be as polite and cordial as you can.

I guess, just refuse to take it personally. Can you do that? I think your life will be a lot easier if so, and you can't change her behavior. All you can change is how your react to it. So rather than let her get to you and make you uncomfortable - ignore her little tantrums and go about your business.
If she has problems, she can take them to your husband, who SHOULD be the one to deal with her in the first place.

If you stay at a hotel, it's just going to escalate the bad feelings. You are going to be in contact with this woman for the rest of her life, most likely, so why would you want that? Uncomfortable or not.

You are right--you shouldn't have apologized for her not liking your personality (!!??). You probably did it to smooth the feathers but I think she owed you an apology, from what you've said happened. BUT there's never any shame in taking the classier, higher road, is there?

Why is she like this? Mental issues? Menopause? In any event it is how she is. People don't change but you can control how you react to her. It may be months, years, etc., but I'll bet another "situation" is going to happen. If it did, I would get up and say "we're leaving" and do just that. If she's at your house, don't apologize for something you didn't do!

I say go, stay w/the in-laws. Be polite, respectful and helpful. Do it for hubby and smile through clenched teeth if you have to.

Personally, I would do the hotel, if you can afford it. But don't say that it is because of her behavior, just tell her something that sounds reasonable and act like it is no big deal, and nothing to do with her. She will guess why, but if you don't discuss it, you can all pretend it is not an issue. My MIL said terrible things about me behind my back, to my husband...so bad that we considered moving far away to make sure she didn't turn the kids against me. That was a few years ago, and although I will never trust her again, we still see her fairly often and we manage to get along alright.
I think some people are just completely unaware of the effects of their words and actions---like they are so self-centered they can't see anyone else's perspective...and nothing will change them.

I vote for the hotel.

My first thought is if she doesn't like you, she might be happy that you'll be staying at a hotel. I would not stay at her house. I'd tell my husband he can stay there if he likes, but I'll be at the local hotel. I mean truly, once someone says they don't care for your personality, what is left to say? Everyone doesn't like everyone else, and that's okay. No need to pretend otherwise. just be cordial when you have to be around her, like for a family event, but leave it at that. You know, we love our family, but that doesn't mean we have to LIKE them.

If you were living closer to your MIL my advice would be to set up rules from the beggining, but she lives very far from you and I don't think you guys see her much (and even less for a while)so is not wort it.
Yes, I agree, shouldn't have need to apologize for who you are, but you did it and I don't think a good idea go and tell her:"Btw, I didn't mean what I say and now I am thinking about it..."
Also, even if the problem was between you and her, there is a big possibility that even your SIL gets upset. It happens to me, I got in a fight with my MIL and now we still kind of talking with each other but my SIL doesn't talk to me and my husband, and I use to like her a lot.
This doesn't mean that you should let her walk over you, but what is done is done, and for future be polite but clear that you are who you are and that you hope she can see past what she doesn't like and appreciate the good things.

You made the plans to stay at her house..so I would go..unfortunately you will need to deal with your MIL for the rest of your life....but while you are staying there...try not to be in her presence for too long...maybe when only with your hubby....a great way is to go over to other relatives houses or ifyou have friends in the area make plans with them.

Sometimes my dad can rub me the wrong way and periodically I will stay at other relatives houses or a friends house during our stay...and since ..at that time..we lived 6 hours away...it was a chance to see and visit with other people as well....

but she is your kids grandmother and for me....there will be times where you just want your kids to be with thier grandparents.....maybe the next time you go down there make other arrangements..maybe with a family member who has kids and give the reason that you wanted kids to spend time with thier cousins...

Hope that helps. J.

Sounds like it's time to enact "Lydy Law". A friend of mine had to do this with his dad when they were continually butting heads. You, your husband and MIL need to sit down together or call on the phone. A neutral place would be best. Explain to her, in a way that is unconfrontational as possible, that you feel she and you will never see eye to eye and will most likely always annoy each other. Then make an agreement with her that when one of you is visiting the other you each need to remember that the host has control of their own house and if the guest doesn't like how things are going they can always find another place to stay.
With this agreement set up before hand it gives you an out so you can try to stay with her, but if you are not comfortable you have another option and when she stays with you if she blows up in your house you can always tell her "I'm sorry you feel that way, I think it's time we give each other some space. Which motel would you like to stay at?".

Hotel. Why should you have a terrible time at her house. You will be just upset trying to keep your emotions in check the whole time. If want to let her be her than that's good. But you should feel comfortable so you can be you. If that means not having to walk on egg shells because you are still upset about her comment, then it's ok to stay in a hotel. It's ok to have boundaries even with in-laws.

Stay at a hotel... It shoudlnt bother her.. but if it does who cares...

Can you ask SIL or an older cousin or neighbor to babysit at her house so you and hubby get a much-needed "date night"? Go catch dinner or movie and arrive back at MIL's "just in time" for bedtime? Even if you get back to MIL's earlier than *your* bedtime you can say how beat you are from the drive and "the baby will be up early" or "multiple times" or "we have a long drive ahead of us tomorrow". Bring along a portable DVD player with headphones, a couple of movies and tuck yourselves in early for the night :) Next time don't make arrangements to stay at her place. You'd really prefer for your child to grow up playing with cousins or splashing around at the pool of a local hotel... not experiencing the unsettling environment at your MIL's. Keep your interactions with her limited to family gatherings and make it clear to hubby that she is not welcome as an overnight or "hangout" guest in your home. He will need to iron out the wrinkles... the homefront is the priority. If she "somehow" ends up at your house you can always plan a "girls weekend away" or "Mom's Night Outs". You get the idea.

When I read how you handled this I thought it was great. You were the bigger person and I don't think you apologized for being who you are but for how she was feeling. You were sensitive and caring to that. I say go and continue being the thoughtful peacemaker you are and don't let anything come between the family. We need more people in the world who can think about more than just themselves. This affects a lot of people in your family. Good job ,your husband should be proud of you . You may be surprised to find that something has shifted between you and your mil since the last visit. And if not chalk this up to your trying to be selfless for the greater good. Sometimes we are just givers. Blessings

Nothing worse than feeling as if you are living on the edge of your seat, waiting for the next explosive confrontation to occur. It's not good for you, your husband or your baby. I vote for staying in a hotel and making a vacation out of it. If your MIL objects to this, just tell her that until she can get her anger issues under control and learn to express her concerns in a calm and controlled manner, this is how it is going to be. Life is stressful enough; why willingly add to that burden?

I have been in a similar situation and I have to say that I would stay at a hotel too. Deep down she will probably be happier that you did and you certainly will be. Your husband needs to stand up to them where you are concerned. He chose you and they have to accept you or accept that there will not be a closeness that would make everyone happier. Sometimes you just have to realize that not everyone likes you and you do what you need to do too keep your home happy. Once your husband stands up for you I promise that things will get much better. I hate head games and this is one that can wreck lives and marriages very quickly. Good luck to you and make that reservation!

I don't know what is best regarding staying there or the hotel but I was wondering if the family has ever considered whether she has a mental imbalance? Someone so volotile in personality could simply be a spoiled brat or could very possibly have a bipolar condition or some other mental issue. She's apparently been this way for a long time since everyone knows "how she is" and just "deals" with it. Not that you could do much about it, but perhaps it would help if you if you realize she cannot really help her outbursts without some kind of treatment. Does she get over the outbursts? Does she act like nothing ever happened the next time you see her? If so, maybe you could do the same (even though you don't feel like it) and just go with the flow for the family's sake. Good luck to you.

HI,
Sorry about your MIL. I am afraid you have to be the bigger person here for your husband's sake. Poor guy must have had a really hard childhood. I would be really nice to her and just keep visits short and as stress free as possible. I would make the visit as short as possible. If there is not nice way you can stay in a hotel, then you probably need to stay with her. Maybe you could say you are staying in a hotel because of the needs of your 1 yr old (make something up< He is in a stage where he cries all night and would keep everyone awake, something that would make it look like you would be terrible house guests, or if she has a cat and you don't maybe you could suddenly discover you have a terrible allergy to cats and your dr said you must stay away from them.)

Good luck
J.

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HOTEL!!
We have the same situation, where my husband walks on eggshells around his Mother. It's therapeutic every night to have some downtime to decompress and be a couple again. I also think of it as giving us the extra measure of grace to deal with the snarky shenanagans his MIL offers up every day. Expensive, but worth it to not further damage the relationship!

Oh, to smooth over the hotel thing- I would tell her that you had some promo card/ extra miles about to expire/ found a deal you couldn't pass up on Priceline...

Good luck!!

stay with mil...... be polite in an avoidance type of way by having a sudden headache & needing to stay in the room to rest, with a good book or magazines.....family is fun :)

be comfortable in a hotel and piss her off. :o)

Do the hotel. MIL is testing her 'power' over you and your husband. Take it back by giving you a zone (ie hotel room) where you can truly relax.

When I was pregnant with my first son, my mother told me that I would be a terrible mother if I worked. I really did not have a choice. I had to work. My husband came home to a sobbing wife (pregnancy hormones raging). He called my mother and told her if she ever wanted to see her first grandson and subsiquent grandchildren, she would not get me upset. You know, its been ten years and she has pretty much been well behaved when discussing the grandchildren.

Family is important. My mother has been a wonderful grandparent to my children and a wonderful parent to me (minus her overbearing opinions). But it is important to provide find the boundries that work for each family. About five years ago, my mother looked at me and said, "Oh, that's right you're a grown up." I don't think she really recognized that before. Perhaps your MIL has 'forgotten' that her son already picked you as his wife. It's a done deal, she doesn't get to express her opinion any longer.

Good luck!

From personal experience - you need to come to an agreement with your husband. He needs to stand up for you, not let someone in his family treat you so badly, or over the years you will lose respect for him. It will affect your marriage. My husband walked on eggshells, made excuses for his parents and out of love for him and family, I didn't make any waves. I come from a close family and thought that it was important that the kids know their grandparents. For over 15 years my FIL "forgot" my name & other controlling behavior. It wasn't until my inlaws came to my son's & my family birthday party and completely ignored me (not even a happy birthday -I don't expect presents). After that I put my foot down with my husband and told him that his parents were no longer welcome in OUR home. It not right that I should be subjected to such disrespect (and out right hostility) in my own home and I didn't think it was healthy for my children to see such behavior. We rarely visit them, as there are too many rules to make it comfortable for children ("don't step on the grass etc). We go there, visit and leave. We are completely in control and it makes it much more tolerable for me.

The inlaws now do come over for an occasion - birthdays or Christmas, never just because they want to see the grandkids and they are better behaved. We will never be close, they are much more interested in themselves than anyone else, but we still have a relationship and the kids know their grandparents. Interestingly, once my FIL knew he could no longer bully me and his son supported me, the inlaws were much less interested in seeing/insisting we visit them.

My advise is - your husband and you must come to an agreement over the consequences if she misbehaves - go home, go to a hotel if you are staying at the house, return to the hotel etc. You leave the room and let him explain why your family is leaving. Good luck - I feel for you!

Good to know I'm not alone with having a nasty and impulsive MIL!
We just spent 3 weeks at my in-laws with my husband, 10 year old, 3 year old and 4 month old. They invited us, paid for our airline tickets- very nice. But then 3 days into the visit my MIL started yelling at the kids to be quiet and then when I asked her not to yell at the kids, screamed at me, "I can't stand having you guys here!" I just stared at her and she stormed out of the house. 2 days later, I slept in till 9:30am and she yelled up to me- "I hate how you sleep in all the time!". I answered back, "I really don't like how you yell nasty things at me that you will regret." She looked at me and stormed out of the house. I had my husband talk to her and he told her to yell at him- not me and the kids. The rest of the visit was uncomfortable...but they do have a nice house and Grandpa is a sweetheart:)
So, that said, before we would ever visit again, I will ask her if she wants us to stay with them again, given what happened last time, or if we should stay in a hotel...maybe you could call your MIL and ask the same...:)
Good Luck!

create an environment that wins for everybody. I would certainly include her in the discussion, express your concerns and see if you guy's can come up with something that works for everyone. I'm in the same boat......although we haven't told her, my husband decided that his mother is no longer allowed to stay at the house due to high tensions and stress kids cause her! It's not healthy for anyone, so she get's to stay at someone elses house or at a hotel....her pick. The point is, we want everyone to win and this will work for us in the future. Please tell me how this works out!

S.

Alykat, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I am blessed with a great mother in law who I adore-- my husband was not! Meaning both my mother and step mother! This is from my personal experiances.
Your husband has been walking around on egg shells since he learned to walk and tal being "anxious" is another word of fearful of what way she will and when she will humiliate him around his friends or family. So for him avoiding a fight and battle is a survival skill not a sign of weakness. I am glad that he is man enough to still expose his family to her, and has a relationship with his sister that does not have to include her(MIL).Since she is so close by what made her want to stay a week?
I am not a person that drinks but I might have considered it if it had been my mom or step mother-- or valium!!
My sweet husband becasue my step mther was swearing in our home --very kindly said " We do not talk that way at our home, I want my daughters to learn to be young ladies of respect" that was 35 years ago and she is still talking about it- and refused to come to his funeral( that's another issue). She needs someone that will stand up to her and stop letting her be a BULLY. When no one stops a bully then a child is wounded and hurts quietly. You can tell her that since she set the standard of telling her thoughts while at your house-- you know that the same rule applies to being at her house, and how much you appreciate that honesty. It will throw her off -- trust me! If you must stay at her house stay as long as possible with your sister in law and get in late and leave early. OR use the baby as an excuse and say that you want to stay at a hotel as the baby is having cranky nights from cutting teeth and you don't want to disturb the household if he cries all night. What can she say-- your a bad mother? not likely! She sure can't argue with cutting teeth. She has no life, may have few friends that will endure that treatment,and is controling and wants to think she can contorl your life. Just don't let her. Is there any chance of just saying that you are going to visit your family wen ever she wants to come to your home? You don't mention a father in law but one has to feel sorry for the man. I used to tell my step mother who is the leader and teacher of your mil-- that what she doesn't like about me is something she sees in herself that she doesn't like and its magnified in me--- made her crazy!!
I wish you great luck, and hope you get lots of great advice from the women on mamasource.

My MIL is a huge pain. Our personalities totally clash. I used to try, but after about 50 episodes like the one you just mentioned, I now no longer try. She' such a difficult person, that even my husband knows it's her not me. She's herself, I'm myself, we don't like each other, we deal with it. I have to put up with her because my husband is her son, she has to put up with me because she loves the grand kids. When I quit trying to be civil, and snapped at her for her awful remarks, she actually got better, because she was the one that caused my reactions and feared she would see the kids less if I hated her-which I never implied, but really, I'd never spend five minutes with her if she didn't insist on seeing the grand kids.

Don't dwell on that episode. There will be plenty more where that came from. Hold your ground on stuff, feel free to snap at her when she's being a creep, and don't apologize again. Your husband will not like you better if you reduce yourself on her behalf. If it's always her causing your "snippy reaction", you have nothing to worry about. Just be yourself.

Well...........I agree and disagree (very little) on your situation. I mostly agree, though. I only disagree with the apology-part. I teach my kids to "say sorry" even if they hurt someone's feelings BY ACCIDENT.........it's similar. We cannot help it if we anger someone else......but in order to "keep peace" we sometimes need to apologize. So I 'm glad you did :O)

Everything else, I agree with your frustration!..........Actually, I have a family member that makes me "edgy/crazy", I almost get anxiety just thinking of seeing that part of my family. But I take the extra steps for our kids to know eachother, and for us to see eachother........my hubby says I am the "bigger person".......Does it make me feel better to make these efforts year-after-year (they live 5 hrs away)???? No, not really.....but yes because it's fun to watch our kids laugh together. Double-edge sword scenario, as I'm sure you can relate. In order to try to make it work, I take them in "small doses", as it's the only way we can be successful............

So I ask..............How far away is it? Do you absolutely HAVE to stay the night? Can you make the effort to drive back-n-forth in the same "for work reasons?" Possibly SAY you're driving back and forth, but stay in a hotel somewhere coming home? OK those were my "chessy" suggestions to NOT stay at your MIL's :O)

The reality probably is that you HAVE to stay the night, then...... you simply have to......suck it up and "be the better person" :o) again.........I would try to only stay 1 night, though. It's too much to ask anymore of you. You can handle your MIL in "small doses", so try to keep it at that.

If you're anything like me...........I need to "get myself emotionally ready" for these situations.......it takes me about a week to be prepared........

Good luck!

~N. :O)

Updated

Well...........I agree and disagree (very little) on your situation. I mostly agree, though. I only disagree with the apology-part. I teach my kids to "say sorry" even if they hurt someone's feelings BY ACCIDENT.........it's similar. We cannot help it if we anger someone else......but in order to "keep peace" we sometimes need to apologize. So I 'm glad you did :O)

Everything else, I agree with your frustration!..........Actually, I have a family member that makes me "edgy/crazy", I almost get anxiety just thinking of seeing that part of my family. But I take the extra steps for our kids to know eachother, and for us to see eachother........my hubby says I am the "bigger person".......Does it make me feel better to make these efforts year-after-year (they live 5 hrs away)???? No, not really.....but yes because it's fun to watch our kids laugh together. Double-edge sword scenario, as I'm sure you can relate. In order to try to make it work, I take them in "small doses", as it's the only way we can be successful............

So I ask..............How far away is it? Do you absolutely HAVE to stay the night? Can you make the effort to drive back-n-forth in the same "for work reasons?" Possibly SAY you're driving back and forth, but stay in a hotel somewhere coming home? OK those were my "chessy" suggestions to NOT stay at your MIL's :O)

The reality probably is that you HAVE to stay the night, then...... you simply have to......suck it up and "be the better person" :o) again.........I would try to only stay 1 night, though. It's too much to ask anymore of you. You can handle your MIL in "small doses", so try to keep it at that.

If you're anything like me...........I need to "get myself emotionally ready" for these situations.......it takes me about a week to be prepared........

Good luck!

~N. :O)

humm this is hard, I think it was big of you to apoligize and it sounds like you did not REALLY apoligize for being you just for the fact that it bothers her. you are right you should not be sorry for being you, but you can be sorry if what you do makes others upset (even if they are wrong and slightly crazy LOL like a few friends i have had lol). it is hard bc it is your husbands mom and if he does not want to stay in a hotel you might have to suck it up and go w/ him. you can be polite and distant just as you would to anyother person that you did not really like. great thing is that you dont live close and dont have to deal w/ her a lot. good luck! xo and here is a quote you might like: “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”- Dr. Seuss w/in reason of course LOL

my vote is the hotel, heck i would find a campground to pitch a tent just so i didn't have to stay with her. The only thing i can think of at all to make this better is if you are really only using her house as a hotel and could somehow eat all your meals out and have activities planned so you don't ever have to hang out at home with her. Could she just be having trouble with menopause that might someday pass? hang in there!

I would go stay with her but try to find ways to not be around her as much as possible go to your SIL house and help her out with the party stuff and at night when you go back to her house just go straight to bed or sit outside or go anywhere she is not to avoid a conflict. Good Luck

Don't be petty, be the bigger person. MIL's forget sometimes that they are not dealing with the teenage girlfriend, but with a grown woman... I'm not saying forgive and forget, but remember that no matter how rude she is to you or others, she will always be his mom. I don't know if you've ever made a mistake before, or maybe said something (true or not) that you shouldn't have... Look at it this way and let it go. Keep your guard up around her and try not to stay in the same room alone for too long. But don't be the aggravator by going to a hotel, when you habitually stay at her place. Sometimes, being a reasonable adult means "sucking it up"

Good luck!